To ask how to set boundaries with DM without hurting her feelings?

[tigerlilt]

So for a bit of backstory, I’m due to have my first baby via c-section ( for medical reasons out of my control ) in 2 weeks. DM lives 3 hours away and I’m really struggling to manage her expectations for visiting ect once he’s born.

Several times during my pregnancy she’s made commitments about ‘driving straight across’ as soon as anything happens and i’ve tried to kindly ask that we have some time as a three when she is first here, I thought she had got the message but on the phone today she said to make sure I let her know when I get my section date so she can come and be with me in hospital. I tried to kindly suggest that this would not be the case, and I would prefer if she waited until we are home to visit; she laughed and said ‘okay we will see’ and I just feel she hasn’t taken me seriously.

I just really don’t want any visitors in the first 24 hours, especially not in hospital- I hate attention like this and really just want it to be the three of us to begin with, and then have visitors in our own home when I feel comfortable.

AIBU?! I feel bad for my DM as she is the first grandchild so she is of course very excited, I love her and don’t want to hurt her feelings but I just need some space and my boundaries to be respected. How do I approach this? Or maybe I am BU, is the the norm to have family in the hospital? I know some people would love to have their mums there but i’m just very private and want it to just be my partner and I.

OP, you might find you are in too much pain to do anything, apart from breastfeeding, after a C section, and DH is too exhausted after 2 nights without sleep to be up to much either?

DD2 had a baby by planned Caesarean yesterday morning. She had already decided nobody was going to see the baby for a week, while her immune system got stronger.

By 4 pm, her partner asked me to go sit with DD2 as she was worried about bleeding, if he wasn’t there, because he’d gone home to feed the cat and have some dinner. I spent about 5 hours at the hospital, changing several nappies, rocking and walking the baby round, as DD2 couldn’t get out of bed, what with the spinal still working.

I’ve just got back, after spending 8 hours at the hospital, looking after the baby, while DD1 slept, helping DD2 breastfeed, winding the baby, rocking her and walking around with her - DD2 and her partner had been kept awake all night with the baby screaming. He wanted to go home and do some laundry. I told him to get some sleep, as he’d be more use to the baby at 4 am this morning after some sleep.

IMO, it’s better to have a grandma there to look after the baby in the daytime, so you and DH get some sleep, because the chances are you won’t be getting any sleep at night? I heard babies screaming all around us today, so DGD is not the only one!

I don’t see where OP has said her DM is a narcissist or the relationship is strained.

The most is past ups and downs - which is the norm for any parent child relationship:

I have caveated but based this on there not being a back story, since OP hasn’t shared one

What OP has said is she loves her Mum and they have a close relationship.

I do think it’s controlling to say her DM can’t meet her DGD for 3 days and not the norm, which is what OP was asking,

If you read the PP there are lots of different perspectives offered. For example, I have also said to be direct with her DM if she really doesn’t want her there, others have said to lie.

Good for you! Love that :)

Great response!

How far away is she? Visiting for days I would say absolutely not - especially whilst your DH is off and at home with you, that’s your time together as a new family

Re hospital visits - v normal for family to visit - but only if you want them to!

I had emcs at 10.30 am and couldn’t wait for people to come that evening. But that was me, this is you, and everyone is different!

I would say having first visit in hospital (if you are in a few days) might be a clever move as it will automatically be limited on time; you can invite her an hour before visiting ends and staff will kick her out!

You can of course always ask her to leave whenever you’re ready when she visits you at home, but it’s not as easy!

Stick to your guns and tell her you will call her when your medical professionals agree you are past the worst of SURGERY (emphasise it again!) and when you feel up to it. That could be hours or days - entirely up to you

She has no idea how many times your scheduled CS could be bumped for emergencies (3 times for me with ds ELCS!) and how long you will take to recover from GA.

If it’s easier when you are tired/feeling vulnerable, just say “doctors say no visitors yet, mine and baby’s health is priority”

I felt like you but actually everyone visited me in the hospital and it was really fun with Baby 1. If family visit you in the hospital then they physically can not stay much longer than an hour so you get all the meeting done and then can be left in peace.

With Baby 2 everyone came to my house a day or so after the hospital and I could not get rid of them. I hated it!

Both of mine were planned sections and I felt physically and mentally up to visitors straight away. It was trying to get breast feeding started in the few days after that wore me down and made me want privacy.

Good luck with whatever you decide

A partner can divorce you, a mother is a mother for life. Great that you've overcome the ups and downs, which is normal.

Would you feel the same if you were a single mom with no partner around,

Or if you were having a hip replacement?

Seems you want her around when it suits, which is your choice of course, but she'd be there for support and out of love.

Your partner has to be firm and make sure its only for an hour.

In some ways a first visit is easier to manage if you are still in hospital. No cleaning or hostessing about. No staying overnight or needing to provide meals. Fixed visiting hours so an end to the visit. Then she has her fix, she goes away and you can settle down and recover. I hated the audience, but this seemed the least worst option to me.

The good thing about a visit in hospital is ypu can keep it short. Let her pop in for half an hour, job done.
I did tell my parents they were not to be waiting in the hospital like in american sit coms (not sure that really happens I think the hospital would send them away). Instead they stayed at our house while we stayed at the hospital and they came to visit for an hour

My family did this with my first so it does happen.

I think a lot of it stems from changing roles of men and women.

I think sometimes the DM grew up with a dynamic - which is still the way some mumsnetters live - where a woman's co-parent was their mother not their husband and they expect this dynamic with their daughters.

But times have changed for most of us and dads are much more involved.

I really didn't need my mum in the first couple of weeks because I had my DH and two people for one newborn (even though mine had medical issues) is more than enough.

I still had her come and meet the baby but she took it quite hard that I didn't need her help more but I not only didn't need it, I actively much preferred and wanted my DH

Write her a letter explaining how much you both love her and are happy she is in your lives and will share in the joy of your baby. Then explain that the plan is that it will be just you 3 to start off with and she will be able to visit as soon as you are ready but it might not be straight away. Explain that you know what a caring person she is so you know she will respect this. Tell her you might need her help in keeping everyone away so that it can be just the 3 of you til you are ready since you know that she will understand your wishes but other people might not take it on board.

Why do posters on here find it difficult to accept that other people feel differently than they do? You wanted your mum at the birth/there immediately afterwards? Great, good for you. That's not what other people want! With DC1 my DM and in laws came to the hospital about 12 hours after dc was born and it was awful. I hadn't slept in 36 hours, I was in pain, was hugely struggling with breastfeeding and just wanted to hide away. But as it was "magical grandchild number 1" for all involved, I didn't feel able to say no. With DC2 and 3 I'd grown a back bone and said no visitors at the hospital, we will let you know when we're home. I wasn't mean about it, they only waited 2/3 days. But it made a world of difference to me. At the end of the day this is not about the grandparents' wants. It's about the mother's needs. And if OP needs her mother to wait a day or 2, that is what needs to happen. Without drama or guilt trips.

100%

Not everyone has the same relationship with their mum. I wouldn't feel comfortable with her at a vulnerable time. Yes maybe that's a bit sad but it's not my fault that our relationship isn't as close as some.

Its a huge red flag that any mother would push back on this.
A really genuinely loving mother who wanted the best for her daughter would listen, hear, and respect her daughters wishes.

That she is refusing to hear and insisting she will do what she wants is why you have difficulties in your relationship with her.

I always find it so bizarre that so many posters cannot comprehend any view point different to theirs, that not all relationships are the same, be it with parents, siblings or a partner.

The OP has every right to insist on what she wants.

In this case if her mother continues on to selfishly disregard what she has asked for, the OP should push the date out completely and insist she not stay.

In this instance you are blessed she is hours away from you.

My mum was going to be like this and ex-H didn’t want it, so when I went into labour he just didn’t tell her. I wasn’t in any state to tell her myself so she didn’t find out

100% agree with this. A loving parent would put what they want to one side at such a vulnerable time and be responsive to their child's needs. OP my first DC was born in lockdown and no one could visit us (we live abroad and there was no travel). It was absolute bliss. If you feel like you want solitude, you have absolutely every right to insist on that and let her handle her own disappointment.

You're quite right ~ she doesn't take you seriously. You've had a go at setting a boundary and she said, 'Let's see.' The thing is, when you set a boundary, some people will abide by it and some people won't. Your mum won't. Therefore you must enforce it. Tell her the doctors have decided you can have an extra week before having your baby. Have your baby in peace. She will present you with her feelings which have been 'hurt'. She'll actually be enraged that you didn't roll over, as usual. It's very important that you learn to stand your ground and that you morph into someone who means what they say. A book you'll find really useful is 'When I Say No I Feel Guilty' by Manuel J Smith. It is an oldie and goodie which you can get second hand from AbeBooks and you can read it, bit by bit, when you're resting after the birth. You'll soon get the hang of it. Setting boundaries isn't a cruel thing to do, even though your mum will say it is. She will soon get used to the new assertive you, and you'll all be able to flourish. The best of luck.

I don't think you're being unreasonable it's your choice.

I would say though my kids extremely excited and capable father was useless at both births, fainting at the first and vomiting at the second. I really needed my mum on the day and I'm so glad she was there.

My sis had a complication at her youngest birth and was rushed into surgery. Her husband was a wreck and left my nephew with my mum whilst her stayed with her.

Congrats on your baby x

You would probably appreciate an extra person there, one to look after you and one to help with bay /do shifts while you sleep. Food prep and laundry too. Unless you don’t get on with your muM or she is lazy, you’ll both really appreciate another adult being there.

You must be as thick skinned as the DM to need it spelled out

OP has said this is the first time she wants to insist on her way. Slight giveaway

further to that she told her mum what she wanted to happen and that she refused to accept what OP had said

I’m in the exact same situation as you. I’m due to have a c section next week and I’ve decided to not share the date with my DM because I don’t want the visit at the hospital or at home. My DM doesn’t pick up on nuances or even direct requests for boundaries so it’s needs must! With my first born I felt exposed and awkward under her gaze, she arrived 4 hours after visiting hours closed (my DS was born at 9am) and woke him and myself up… we then didn’t manage to get him back to sleep again for a couple of days! It was a nightmare. This time I’m taking back control. No one knows the date of the c section except my cousin who is babysitting my eldest whilst I’m in hospital. Once I’m home, and ready, then I’ll share the news and open my door to visitors…