To ask how to set boundaries with DM without hurting her feelings?

[tigerlilt]

So for a bit of backstory, I’m due to have my first baby via c-section ( for medical reasons out of my control ) in 2 weeks. DM lives 3 hours away and I’m really struggling to manage her expectations for visiting ect once he’s born.

Several times during my pregnancy she’s made commitments about ‘driving straight across’ as soon as anything happens and i’ve tried to kindly ask that we have some time as a three when she is first here, I thought she had got the message but on the phone today she said to make sure I let her know when I get my section date so she can come and be with me in hospital. I tried to kindly suggest that this would not be the case, and I would prefer if she waited until we are home to visit; she laughed and said ‘okay we will see’ and I just feel she hasn’t taken me seriously.

I just really don’t want any visitors in the first 24 hours, especially not in hospital- I hate attention like this and really just want it to be the three of us to begin with, and then have visitors in our own home when I feel comfortable.

AIBU?! I feel bad for my DM as she is the first grandchild so she is of course very excited, I love her and don’t want to hurt her feelings but I just need some space and my boundaries to be respected. How do I approach this? Or maybe I am BU, is the the norm to have family in the hospital? I know some people would love to have their mums there but i’m just very private and want it to just be my partner and I.

You've no idea how you will feel.
This is your mum. Not a random visitor. Of course she wants to come straightaway.

I think the issue is that it won’t just be an hour, it will be a whole trip for her, probably lasting several days.

Then it's up to you to tell her she can't come to stay for a few days, but if she wants to book a hotel or B&B she can come for an hour each day. I can't see why she'd think that was unreasonable, given you don't have space for her.

Presumably in 20 or 30 years you still feel that your "precious baby's" feelings matter and if they tell you they are completely overwhelmed with the whole experience and need some alone time, you'd respect that over your own hurt feelings?

We had similar with parents recently, setting those expectations and getting a few comments. In the end they were all keen but respectful and no one turned up uninvited or pressured us!

I know it’s tempting to lie / hide info to avoid an argument (been there) but you’ll need to enforce lots of boundaries in future if she’s going to be involved with baby, so I’d practice being firm and dealing with the discomfort now.

You’re not being unreasonable for wanting some time as a 3 - it’s your and your partner’s baby and you’ll never get this time back, so do what you want. The midwives at our hospital were really supportive of this and we used this a bit with parents saying this had been the midwife advice - to enable bonding (lots of skin to skin), establishing feeding, recovery. If you feel differently when the time comes I’m sure your DM will come over quickly if needed

Don't be guilted in to doing what others are happy to do.

I would tell her you love her but you need to look after yourself and you will not be having any visitors for the eg first week. You want to come home, figure out your routine and have a few days recovery before you see people. It's non negotiable and if she shows up in that time she will be asked to leave.

What's your relationship like with your mum generally? It sounds like you find it quite hard to say no to her, and that might be because you're really close, or it could be because you're worried about what would happen.

I was in this position. Me and mum were codependent - single mum, only child. But she also had a temper, and would give me to silent treatment if I upset her, so I'd learned not to. She assumed she would be in hospital with me, but I just wanted DH. The drama and tears that came from that. She and MIL were the first people to meet the baby in hospital the next day, but to my mum this was still disrespectful because she was not the first, alone. When we got home she wanted to visit every day, and when I finally asked her for peace she demanded to know how many days a week she would see DC, and on what days, like a custody arrangement! It was gruelling and definitely unneeded stress after an emergency c section, but she literally could not see my point of view.

Be honest, say you want some time to yourself. My first night home with our first we were exhausted, I was delighted to see an extra pair of hands the next day. The tiredness is off the scale as you won't sleep well in the hospital.

I’d just make up a date after the real date that sounds plausible and then tell her when you’re ready to after baby is born. If she questions it just say “you know how it is, things don’t always go to plan”.

I forgot to add that I also have to have the section under GA, another reason I want a bit more time to recover before seeing anyone!

Make up a later date. She is saying “we will see” because she thinks it’s her decision, and not yours. It’s infantilising. You need to be firmer with her, I think.

I am a mother of three grown people and cannot wait to be a grandma. I would love to be as involved as I possible could just like your mom seems to be. However, your feelings and needs have priority here and I am sure your mom would understand. Why not just say, "mom I know you want to be here, but please wait for us to tell you when we are ready."

Good luck OP.

That’s outrageous.

I cannot understand this trend of no visitors, I was dying to show off my babies and loved having visitors

Don't worry about what other people are saying about loving having everyone in the hospital, this is about you not them. I didn't like it, catheter in, feeling sick from the anaesthetic and exhausted from a failed labour and EMCS.

I would probably lie to her, give her a date 2 or 3 days after your actual c section date. She is clearly tramping all over what you want. Can your Dh/Dp have a word with her? Set it up now so that she is not staying with you so she needs to look at hotels/BnBs or AirBnb.

My Mum is incredibly helpful so I was happy to have her stay with me when Dh went back to work. My ILs are more like visitors than family so they make work. Stick to what you want. Her feelings probably will get hurt but that is no reason to change your plans of what you want.

People are different? The OP is having a c section under general. She doesn’t want visitors straight away after major surgery. This is about what she wants, not what her mum wants, and respectfully, not what you and the other posters who have said they wanted their mums there, wanted.

Be clear, be clear again and again.

“Mum, it’s really important to me and DH that it’s only the two of us in hospital while I’m giving birth and recovering from the surgery. As soon as the baby is born we will call you, but we don’t want visitors until we are home.”

“Ok, we’ll see.”

“No mum, I want to make sure you understand how important this is to me and DH, we don’t want any visitors in the hospital. We will tell you when we are ready. I know how excited you are to come and we can’t wait for you to meet the baby, but please wait.”

“Ok, we’ll see.”

“No mum, please hear what I’ve said.”

Repeat…

But can you also accept that not everyone will feel the same way? It's not a trend, it's natural human individuality. Some things we do in our family, I am quite sure, will terrify you - like kissing babies on the face and grandparents having six-week-old babies overnight to let parents rest. I was spending three months every year with my grandparents abroad since I was two. I'm sure, you'd find it pretty unacceptable as well. Which is why it is so important to actually listen to what parents want rather than assume it will all be alright because it worked for you personally.

It's not anything to do with trend. It's personal opinions.

“Mum I’m having major surgery, under general anaesthetic. I’m going to feel groggy and sick and sore. I can’t wait for you to meet the baby, but I want to enjoy that moment too - so please wait until I’m feeling well enough to introduce you to the baby”

I think go with your gut. If you change your mind and want to show her off then that's no biggie.

I had my first in lockdown which was a bit of a relief visitor wise, as it was so restricted. I'm due my 3rd on the 6th April, best of luck!

Not everything is about you. Jesus Christ almighty. Some people just don't want to after a pretty huge medical event.

Would it really hurt her mother to wait a couple of damn days while OP gets herself together?

Get your DP to have a firm word with your DM along the lines of
“We need to respect xx wishes, she is having a GA and major abdominal surgery”

Does your DM have your dad? - in which case get your dad onside too - for him to have a firm word with your DM and reinforce the boundary and expectations.

Identify the nearest Premier Inn / AirB&B now - and pass the details to your DM in advance - set the scene of what will be happening now.

Ultimately it's your decision and she should respect that. I had 2 emergency sections and waited 48hrs before allowing people to visit us in hospital. Grandparents understood and were happy to wait until invited