Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

[UniversityProblems]

Posted here for traffic.
In shock.

DD20 went to Uni Sept 2023. She started in foundation year because she didn't have the required grade in two of her A levels.
She failed the first year at university as she did not complete all her modules and had to repeat the year. In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

Everytime she was asked, she was very positive and I thought all was well. She never had any complaints and chatted happily about uni and uni life.
She went back to school in September (5 months ago) like everything is normal. This week, I found out that she was not actually a student anymore and I went down to find out what was going on. When I saw her my heart broke, it was true. She was in her rented shared accommodation, not really doing anything and she was so thin. She was short of money and had lost significant weight. I brought her home.

She is not talking about what happened, why she didn't tell me what was going on. I really don't have any idea how it all occured and how she was dropped from university.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?
Anyone been through similar with their DC?

My son has international students in his course who have almost no English and no way of following a lecture but they pay a lot of money to the Unis and that's all that matters for a business*

As someone who has put children—and now grandchildren—through British universities as international students, and who has seen many of my children’s schoolmates and other family members go on to Western universities, I tend to take claims that students have “almost no English” with a pinch of salt and question the motives behind making them.

I have been through something like this with my DS. I am not going to lie; it has taken him a long time to recover. He suffered from extreme generalized anxiety and became incapable of attending lectures or completing any work. He dropped out, managed to get a minimum wage retail job, and eventually, after years after stagnation, went back to uni online, got a BA, and has recently got a TEFL qualification. He is now looking for TEFL work, but his years of inertia are still a ball and chain.

Try not to look too far into the future. Take one step at a time. For now, what your daughter needs is your love. She also badly needs to acknowledge to someone - not necessarily you - the reasons why uni didn't work out for her, and her share of the responsibility. She has to be clear in her own mind about "what went wrong". My son refused any kind of therapy or help; he insisted he had to do it all on his own, and of course, when someone is in that mindset there is no way to get through to them. I hope you have better luck with your daughter.

But that's still in the future. For now, all you need to do is love her. But don't spoil her; make sure she has responsibilities around the house she needs to fulfill.

I left university without my degree despite being bright and capable. I was seriously ill and had to resit my first year, and I think when I went back I was just a bit done with studying. Nothing more than that. I fully immersed myself in student life. But there became a point I just wasn’t enrolled on a course. My parents had no idea, and I just put my head in the sand. I got a job around the time I would have left and was just a bit vague with my parents about the whole graduation thing.

While I really regret not getting my degree (and the massive overdraft I ran up) and it’s led to a few awkward conversations over the years (particularly with prospective employers), ultimately things turned out fine and I have a very successful career and senior leadership role.

I share this (having tweaked a few outing details) because for me, there was no trauma or stress or drama. I just dug myself in a hole that I never got around to getting out of, and to be honest, I was having too much fun participating in student life to deal with the inconvenient problem that I wasn’t doing my degree. I don’t know what’s going on with your daughter, you’ll find out in good time and figure out how to deal with it. Me, looking back, what I needed was my parents to find out and give me a good kick up the backside. They never did though, it was years before I fessed up!

No, no, no. She has effectively failed 3x (A-levels and 2 years at uni). Why would you keep pushing her to do something that doesn't suit her? Think of the harm that'll do to her (sounds like) fragile self-esteem.

She doesn't NEED uni to be a success in life.

What you do now, how you care for her and support her, will be the important factor.

I appreciate this. Thank-you.

I am sorry to read this. Well done to your DS for getting his BA and a TEFL qualification.
DD has just got home, hopefully, in time she will talk about it.
Thank-you for sharing.

I will ask her.
Appreciate this.

Just want to say thank-you properly.
Your posts have been really helpful and given me insight to where i could support her when I know what she wants/what went wrong.
Thank-you.

It is very unlikely that the uni let her go without any contact to her. So there should be a paper trail somewhere

I left school at 18 with four average Highers. Two Bs and two Cs. I did one year of an HND -hated it. Failed. Came home. Went back to school to do another 3 Highers-started a degree the next year.

For me it was a combination of the wrong course -and I hated being away from home.

Got my degree. Did two post grads and graduated last year from the ou with a degree in criminology and sociology .(I had reasons why I started that one. Long story).

It's okay to fail. I have failed loads of exams in my life -but I got there in the end

I did my last degree with the ou. It's self study and it's hard -but it might be an option if she ever wants to go back. You don't need any qualifications either

Sometimes you just need a re set. It doesn't mean you aren't capable

I think at some point she should let you know what went wrong. It's harder to support someone when you don't know why they've been suffering

Foundation years exist for this reason though, not everyone is able to get the grades at 17/18 for a variety of reasons or they might pass one A Level and not the other two. I believe certain Oxford colleges have them. They’re important for mature students too.

Anyway uni definitely isn’t for everyone and I’d say in every cohort I teach 1-2 students drop out or flunk first year, although drop out rates are higher in second year when the pressure really tends to hit. I think the jump from A Level is higher than many realise and I honestly think 18 is too young for many. Always advise people take a year out to work or travel before starting, just to make sure it’s definitely for them and gain some life experience.

She sounds very similar to myself 6 years ago. I went to uni but only stayed for 4 months as it didn’t suit me at all. I have since been diagnosed with autism and honestly it makes so much sense university was just not a place I would thrive! I had A*s going into the course but just hated the lack of contact hours and structure. I came home with no plan and worked a retail job for a year. Then I decided i wanted to do an apprenticeship so I started that just over a year after I left. I am now chartered in my industry, have my own little house. Not that it is the important thing but I out earn all my friends who went to uni. I just want to show that having a pause and coming home was the best thing for me and I felt so so behind in life at the time but sometimes you need that to get on a path more suitable for your own nature.

Apologies in advance I haven't read full thread but what you describe is not unusual at all. I am in Ireland so appreciate things may be different but the drop out rate in university here has increased a lot. Students are working so hard to achieve the grades to get there that the reality of university and the skills needed to sustain their place are lacking. Skills such as self motivation, managing your own assignments, big anonymous lectures etc without anyone encouraging you or guiding you can be tough. It sounds like academically she is fine but emotionally she was just not ready. My own brother failed 1st year got the repeats and then failed 2nd year, he dropped out worked for a while and went back to do something completely different he was more mature and ready and thrived.

My advice would be to give her time to recover from the experience, it has been tough, encourage her to maybe take a part-time job to build some work experience and get back to a routine look into a local courses that may offer support to build life skills, personal development etc and look at re-applying next year if she feels ready. It is tough she didn't feel able to fill you in on what was going on but hopefully your support now will make her realise you would have been a good support so she won't keep you in the dark again. My dd1 is autistic and in her final year at school, we (and she) feel going straight into uni could be a disaster for her because she does not transition very well and will probably spend the first term just trying to adjust and cope in a new overwhelming and over stimulating environment. We and she has decided she will do a year long adult further education course close to home in the area of study she is interested in, it includes modules on study skills, writing assignments, life skills etc and then she will be older and more ready for uni. These kind of pre university courses are very popular in Ireland and often a more sustainable pathway into university because you can also use the results you get for university access, you are slightly older and more ready.

OP, you have said that your daughter is "emaciated".

I think that it would be advisable for her to speak to your local GP practice about re-registering and also to make an appointment to discuss her
emaciation and the best way forward.

Shame? All that potential that the poor girl couldn't fulfil for whatever reason?

It's because of gdpr that they can't tell you.

So basically she went back to uni knowing she had no course to go back to? She wouldn't have got a maintenance loan for this year so unless shes had money leftover from last year or a job she is potentially in debt over and above her student loans

At some point she'll need to try and say what really happened -so you know how to best support her

@UniversityProblems You sound lovely and there have been many helpful responses. I just wanted to add: Does she have a driving licence? If not, perhaps now would be a good time to do it - maybe it would help recover some self-esteem as well.

@UniversityProblems
Let her know that she can return to university at any stage of her adult life. It is always an option waiting for her if she wants it.

If she goes after the age of 25, she may be assessed financially as an independent adult, so your household finances will not be taken into account. (Check this out at the time, rules may change).

It may be that what she needs now is to get a job, any job, and start to find her feet as an 'adult', i.e. earning some money and paying a contribution for her "keep" at home (whether or not you want her money, you should take it to encourage her to feel responsibility). She needs to be learning to relate to colleagues and bosses, how to behave in a workplace, all in a low-stakes way, before even thinking about further study or a demanding career.

This happened to my brother (very high grades student, not that it matters), I wouldn’t contact uni and don’t send her back. Close the chapter.

You need to see what she wants to do but she needs time first imo.

I would suggest she gets a normal job and allow her time to say what she wants to do. This is not missing the opportunity. I can hear in your posts you think she is destined for greater things, maybe, but please don’t make her feel she’s missing her potential or other rubbish, let her get roots/community or friends and learn some life skills/ mature and then she can decide what to do.

Years later my brother is healthy and happy with a lovely family. It’s irrelevant to his life now.

Actually, she doesn't drive. That's a really good idea. Thank-you.

I think its already been mentioned, but there's a lot I resonate with here from your daughters side. Now, over 20 years later, with my own daughter going through ADHD diagnosis, I am realising that quite a number of the traits and 'problems' associated with ADHD are the same as what I experienced then in particular. ADHD can also often be associated with perfectionism, which can make it hard to admit mistakes.

Might be worth taking a look at when you both have chance. One resource I have found useful in helping to understand ADHD in women is the Pause Purpose Play podcast.

I hope she manages to feel better soon and work out what she wants her next step to be. Its lovely to see she has a very supportive parent to help so I'm sure she will soon be absolutely fine.

She may benefit from a similar course. Something to look at if she decides she wants to go back to academia.

I am going to get her assessed for ASD. I suspect she may have it. I have always wondered about it... it runs in our family.

Appreciate your post.

OP, I wonder whether she would be suitable for short term therapy via her nearest NHS Talking Therapies provider.

it may help her if she can talk to someone outside her family.

www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/find-nhs-talking-therapies-for-anxiety-and-depression/

No problem.i honestly do think most of us who work in HE really want our students to succeed, so want to support them.
I wasn’t lucky enough to be able to have my own kids, but I’d have hoped to support them like this too.
Give me a shout (or PM, if there’s real specifics) if you think I can help at all.
good luck to you both.

University is clearly not for her as she's been struggling to complete what's required. Listen to her, find a different way forward. There are so many other opportunities out there, which cost a lot less as well! X