Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

[UniversityProblems]

Posted here for traffic.
In shock.

DD20 went to Uni Sept 2023. She started in foundation year because she didn't have the required grade in two of her A levels.
She failed the first year at university as she did not complete all her modules and had to repeat the year. In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

Everytime she was asked, she was very positive and I thought all was well. She never had any complaints and chatted happily about uni and uni life.
She went back to school in September (5 months ago) like everything is normal. This week, I found out that she was not actually a student anymore and I went down to find out what was going on. When I saw her my heart broke, it was true. She was in her rented shared accommodation, not really doing anything and she was so thin. She was short of money and had lost significant weight. I brought her home.

She is not talking about what happened, why she didn't tell me what was going on. I really don't have any idea how it all occured and how she was dropped from university.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?
Anyone been through similar with their DC?

I'm not sure university is the issue here. She dropped out having failed to complete projects - why? What was going on with her? Then her reaction to that was not rational. Hiding it was never going to work long term. She seems to me like she needs mental heatlh help. Start there maybe, not by looking for another Uni?

My daughter finely admitted that she had been dropped and did not want to attend any longer. She thought I would be angry, I was disappointed. I told her that school wasn't for everybody but she now needed to find work because she wasn't going to live in the house rent free and I expected that she should have a job within 30 days.

God bless her. You can only wonder what she went through. If I were u I would go to my GP. They should be able to tell you what help is available for both of you. Maybe some sort of career assessment/advice. And just time, she just needs to be loved and nourished. Good luck to you both.

Don't you think she knows that? My mum had that attitude after I dropped out of uni. My dad was much more "let her be, she'll find her way". The pressure I felt from my mum was immense and made everything so much worse when I just needed some breathing space to think and make a plan for myself. I wasn't a lazy person, I was just lost and all at sea. The worst thing you can do is force your DD to rush into something and it goes tits up and just creates another "failure" for her.

I hope you haven't caused her to lose trust in you forever. She will sense your disappointment, even if you haven't told her outright. Poor girl.

One of mine did this. Went AWOL for a long time at first uni. Think he was ashamed that he had ‘failed’. He was immature and struggling. Lots of stops and starts later, he got himself together and is now happily working and married to a lovely woman. It took a lot of heartache to get there, though. Keep being their parent while allowing them to make mistakes. Do hope it works out.

Poor girl my ass. She was so thankful that I wasn't mad. We let her know that she did not need to give until she could afford it, had her fiance move in for 6 months so they would have a nesting, told her to move back in 2 years later when they were buried in debt and encouraged them to save this time so they could get back on their feet.

Has she been pressured that she must go to university it obviously isn't for her and hasn't felt she could tell you.
Vocational training..college courses ..higher national diplomas.. lots of other pathways other than uni.

I don't agree. Lot's of people have false starts. I did and I'm just about to finish my third BA degree

She's still young, OP. She will find her feet. Feed her, love her and lead her! If it's pride she's struggling with then take the reins for a bit and let her be cared for.

Sounds like the pressure got to her. It happens to the best of us! Making mistakes is normal and it's how we perservere through it that makes us who we are. Show her that she can bounce back!

This must be such a shock for you but I am so glad you have found out and can bring her home to support her. Someone very close to me failed their degree and was kicked out of uni. They couldn’t face telling anyone and pretended they were still at uni. Eventually, when their graduation should have been approaching, they took their own life. This was many years ago now, and the repercussions never go away. Take time to help your daughter plan a new course and find a new direction that suits her. Please let her know that a degree doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

With three lots of tuition fees at £9k per year plus maintenance loans? Well, at least it is if you're in England & Wales. I'm guessing from your handle that you're in Scotland?

I was very similar to your daughter. I really feel for you both. She's home now, safe and loved, that's what matters. I did care work for a bit when uni ended for me, loved it. Found it really helped ground me, defined shifts, people to hand over to at the end of a shift, getting to know residents. I see other people have suggested p/t jobs or volunteering. It did really help boost my self esteem and I would really recommend this. It's almost better if it's not something she's interested in as a career as totally takes the pressure off.

Sorry what? I graduated for the first time in 1992. When poor people like me got grants and my mum gave me some parental contribution as was expected even though she didn't earn a lot

My second BA degree was done part time -if you live in Scotland and you earn less than 25k you can do a degree part time and get it paid for. Similar in Wales and NI

And the only reason I am back at university this time is because I shattered my leg to pieces two years ago and can't work

The first time I did an ou degree it was because I was stalked and couldn't cope and had to give up my shit zero hours job

This time it's because I'm recovering from an accident. A life changing one

Don't respond to me please. You have no idea. I did a post grad 20 years ago and paid for it myself by working shit min wage jobs. Don't assume that just because people live in Scotland they have it easy

I'm done. This place is a cess pit. That first ou degree more or less saved my life. Sorry for having an opinion

And before I step out of this thread OP. This isn't on you. But there is something wrong that your daughter could not say why she failed. I'm not suggesting that's on you -but at some point you need to have that conversation and you need clarity on why she lied to you -why she went back to uni in September when she had no course to start

Driving lessons aren't going to sort it in my view and it doesn't matter how happy and chatty she was -she lied to you. It sounds like she was suffering from serious depression and couldn't tell you she was failing-and I get that.

But the most concerning thing is that she went back for a third year knowing she had no course to go to.

And -for the people who think she needs to go out and earn her keep

If you are struggling really badly mentally -its not that easy. It's for the OP to decide what's best for her family -not us

I've been in places over the last six years where I could barely get out of my bed -never mind earn my keep

During the worst of the stuff I was going through mentally I was just glad my flat was paid for

A 20 year old girl who is emaciated should not be put in under any pressure right now -she clearly needs a large re set

And for the record. Even though all my family have degrees. I wouldn't care if they didn't

My mum is doing an open university degree and she's 77 next week

There is always a way to get an education and that was my point earlier. Nothing more

When I was in college a girl failed 3rd year and repeated. She never told her parents. She managed to get through 4th year in the end but it could have been very different. It happens. It must have been dreadful.

I did my second degree part-time too. I'd really love to do a third degree with the Open University.

Surely it's okay to fail. Happens all the time

@UniversityProblems you sound a lovely mum and I think that just taking care of her (but not allowing her to wallow through the little acts others have suggested) is key.

I had a house mate who failed first year twice. He was bright. Had been head boy. But he didn't have the maths foundation needed for his course and should never have been accepted onto it. Is it a key skill somewhere underpinning things that she just doesn't have? Sometimes students are admitted onto less popular courses when they really shouldn't be.

To reassure you, that housemate went home, met a lovely girl he's been happily married to for 20 years and started work in a company where he's worked his way up (and he bought a house ahead of all of us so probably ended up in a better position overall).

I have a relative who dropped out but returned after quite a few years out and has achieved incredible success.

Right now, a year feels a massive period to her but in the grand scheme of life it's nothing and won't define her long term.

Keep her head up and reassure her it's not the end of the world. Dissect the ins and outs later.

Hard work but would totally recommend. I did criminology and sociology and got a two one. Lots of support. I'm prouder of that degree than any other. Probably because my life was in the bin when I started it.

I think some people put incredible pressure on themselves and failure isn't an option I suppose. When it happens they struggle to deal with it.

@NotMeAtAll Did she tell them that she was working in her university town or something? I’m just wondering how she kept it a secret- although if DD quietly repeated a year, didn’t ask us for any financial support, and told us that she was doing something else, I suppose we wouldn’t know either.

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Hi OP,

I'm going to preface this by saying I will relate my own experiences of sort-of-similar but that I am not trying to say that any directly apply to your situation. I’m just illustrating how multi-factorial these situations can be.

I was the super bright kid. I knew what I wanted to do, but that was very different to what my parents, the school and the world at large wanted me to do. I felt a lot of pressure to do what they all wanted. I was also dealing with various forms of trauma (sexual assault, childhood neglect, addiction parent etc.). When I went to uni it all just sort of mixed into one and being on my own for the first true time, and also having space to process things, it was all just too much. I was actually doing quite well there academically but I stopped attending lectures and just dropped out. My parents’ response was pretty terrible honestly, and there was a lot of shame associated with what happened. It’s decades later, and I went back and studied what I originally wanted, and got a 1st, then did postgrad and got a distinction. My family isn’t aware I did this because I’ve never told them. I now have a well-paid job.

I think I’m sharing for several reasons. The first is that I wish I had a mum who cared in the ways you are showing here. And I can’t state it enough: make sure she knows that you are not ashamed of her, that her wellbeing and happiness are your priorities. She may not have felt a certain sort of pressure from you that I did from my mum, but making it super clear to her repeatedly can only help her. The second is that if things are already going on in her life, university can act almost as a catalyst to bring it all to a head. I would certainly investigate therapy if you can for her. The third is that it’s a hard age anyway - you’re told by society you’re an adult and you’re meant to really know what to do, and yet you don’t. That can further compound some of this stuff.

Also, at that age, everything seems permanent. Keep reminding her it isn’t. She has her whole life to choose to study, or follow whatever career path. Right now, work on building her up: her mental and physical health (exercise together, eat together, cook together, do mentally healthy things together). Encourage her hobbies. Give her space and time to grow if you can, but also encourage her to get at least a part time job to give her a sense of purpose.

Whatever it is, it doesn’t seem like she wants to talk yet. But there’s going to be something else going on, whether it’s as simple as the not-ideal course like you indicated, or other life factors. Just be there for her. She will come through this.

Hi. I'm so sorry, this is so sad. I just wanted to mention that I have two daughters who are diagnosed asd and as such I used to be heavily involved in the local asd parenting community. There was a specific group for parents of asd girls and I know from that how common it was for very academically able girls to go to University and for everything to crumble, to the complete bewilderment of the parents, who never suspected a thing.

Autism in girls is very badly misunderstood. Girls often mask like mad and have more sociable acceptable areas of interest. Being "shy" is not flagged in the way it is for boys. Not going out partying but staying in to study is seen as healthy.

I was convinced a girl in my younger daughter's class was autistic. Her mother seemed completely unaware. I met her a few years ago - her daughter crashed in her first year at uni and never went back.

So anyway, it is not unusual. I suggest you connect with parents of asd girls/young people if you can as well as getting your daughter assessed. Your local carer's network might be able to sign post you.

In terms of what next, don't panic. Again because of my involvement in the local autism world, often it just takes our yp a bit longer to find their niche.

In the meantime she might want to consider volunteering. Being a buddy for a yp with additional needs for example. It will be good for her and something she can put on her cv.

Best of luck x

Really encouraging to read your story.
Lots to take away from your post.
Also, a big well done and congratulations on your achievements - First Class and later Distinction. Impressive.