Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

[UniversityProblems]

Posted here for traffic.
In shock.

DD20 went to Uni Sept 2023. She started in foundation year because she didn't have the required grade in two of her A levels.
She failed the first year at university as she did not complete all her modules and had to repeat the year. In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

Everytime she was asked, she was very positive and I thought all was well. She never had any complaints and chatted happily about uni and uni life.
She went back to school in September (5 months ago) like everything is normal. This week, I found out that she was not actually a student anymore and I went down to find out what was going on. When I saw her my heart broke, it was true. She was in her rented shared accommodation, not really doing anything and she was so thin. She was short of money and had lost significant weight. I brought her home.

She is not talking about what happened, why she didn't tell me what was going on. I really don't have any idea how it all occured and how she was dropped from university.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?
Anyone been through similar with their DC?

Thank-you for your post. I don't know why but it's made me teary.
Maybe it's your kindness, or the shock wearing off, maybe it's wondering why people would conclude i am a bad parent because she didn't confide in me, maybe it's the pure loveliness of most of the posters.
I feel like i have been running a marathon. I am tired. Thank-you for your kind words and suggestions. I hope you hear lots of praise now.

Ah.. thanks.
I didn't think of that.

Honestly, i haven't really been able to think.
Just want her to feel safe and loved.

my eldest struggled with the transition from high school to uni, developed extreme exam anxiety and although excellent at class and course work failed multiple courses due to the final exam...two years later he returned home.
worked and insisted he really really wanted to take the uni course that he had his heart set on. we said he could only do courses at the local college, this is where we got to see the excellent work he was doing and equally the debilitating anxiety that had developed to exams (vomiting diarrhea). with a few successful courses under his belt from the local college (which only offered the first two years of uni courses) he then moved away to another well regarded college. eventually assessed, diagnosed with inattentive adhd. while working part time and taking courses part time he eventually completed his desired degree.
no employer cared, the fact it took him several years to complete his degree didn't have any repercussions.

so op, what ever caused your dd to struggle the past 2 years. it will be okay.
at some point you and her will need to know what courses she did complete.

Good post from @MojoMoon

This in particular resonated:
I think he may have had very structured teaching and close supervision of his studies at school and so didn't really have the independent study skills required for university. He seemed quite sheltered as well so I think not living at home had been harder than anticipated for him in first year.

I think this is a real and perhaps understated issue. I would not presume to say this is the case for your DD @UniversityProblems as ofc it may not be; but I know a good number of YP who have had an issue in this way.

I wish I could tell you all the people I know who have left uni without their degree @UniversityProblems – not bc it will console you, necessarily (tho I do believe that experiences are not wasted if we can learn from them) but to show how common it is.

What is the subject and what were her A level grades?

Your poor girl. I glad she is home. X

You sound like a lovely mum and she sounds like a lovely DD. I suspect it’s a small lie that got out of hand and became a massive one. What course was she studying?

just keep things normal but don’t let her fester and withdraw - walks, normal life and exercise will help I hope. In time she might want to talk but it might help to tell her you love her, understand something has been going on but you don’t judge her and if she is ready to share you are here.

This must be really upsetting for you all. I completely understand, and have worked in support for students at university for 20 years.
My top pointers just now would be:

• Let her 'be' for a little while. Continue to be supportive, and make sure she gets healthy - both physically and emotionally. Offer to be there to listen to her.
• Practically, the university won't talk to you as the parent, unless your daughter provides written confirmation you can discuss. She's a young adult, despite everything, and HEIs have to make sure they are not discussing students/ex-students with parents who might be estranged or abusive, for example. (Not for one moment suggesting this is the case for you.)
• A clock starts ticking when a student is required to withdraw through failure/non-submission. In my experience, I've not seen an appeal be heard once 8 weeks have passed. This seems likely that it means the ship has sailed with this course/university.
• You've had some good advice on getting a potential diagnosis for your daughter. I would say that if you have that, she would be a candidate for consideration under contextualised admissions, where any disability would be taken into consideration at application stage.
• If she wants to go back to study, she needs to be prepared to be open with any other universities she applies for about what's gone wrong this time around. If she did have an SEN diagnosis, for example, this would be quite a compelling reason. I think it would be fairly unlikely she would get back in to do the same thing in the same place - but might do, if it's a recruiting course, rather than selecting.
• Finally - telling extended family and friends is up to her. She has to be ready to do that. The reasons for her coming home are really nobody else's business. Just 'I'm not at Uni any more' is fine. Shame and gossip isn't helpful in these situations.

I truly hope that she finds a way forward, gets healthy, and finds something else to drive her forward. Take care.

Agree with this. Especially as she has lost loads of weight.

Well done for bringing her home and for looking for suggestions for how to help her. That in itself says to me you will find a way to get her through this. I definitely think this is more common than people realise - young people struggle but don’t want to confront the issues or disappoint anyone. I would let her decompress for a bit, encourage her to check in with her GP around mood / weight if you think there are issues there, and maybe in a little while encourage her to look into some volunteering or a low pressure job in something she might enjoy to build some skills and get some confidence back. Loads of people have a false start or several false starts before they find their feet. It’s hard when they have told such a massive untruth but it’s just desperation at that point and she must have felt so awful. At least now it’s all out in the open and you have her home. Some young people end up ending their lives in this kind of situation because they just don’t know how to get out of it, you have done so well to see what’s happening and get her home. She’s safely home, the rest will fall into place when she’s ready.

OP, is it possible that it was just the course that was wrong, not being at university? Is there something else she would like to study? If so, maybe going to her local uni and living at home would be better. It does sound like she needs support.

If not uni, there are other training opportunities, for which hopefully she could live at home too. An example would be hairdressing/beautician training. People pay a fortune for massages, highlights etc! Or there's the police, or primary-teacher training, or nursing. I know the last two involve uni, but they might be courses that suit her better. Also, there are apprenticeships.

It's not the end of the world! So this course didn't work out. There are plenty of other things she can do!

I think she needs to be at home with you for a little longer, that's fine. Maybe a local Uni or college course might work better for her or straight into employment. I think employment actually, let her have a break from academia and earn a bit of money. I had a couple of years in work after my undergraduate degree and then went back to Uni for a masters and felt highly motivated.

It's the clock starts ticking thing that had me wanting to contact the university. Finding out that she had not been in university since September at least, filled me with urgency to try and all I could think was 'it's been so much time'. Also as @FloofBunny has said, it may be that it is university but the course.

Helpful to know that clock stopped at 8 weeks. A pp mentioned, she may have been given academic advice when she was dropped. I will find out when she is ready to talk.

Re: your 5th point, also very helpful.
Such a helpful post. Thank-you. She is home for now, I will wait and see if she still wants university.

@FloofBunny and @MojoMoon

"OP, is it possible that it was just the course that was wrong, not being at university?"

"I think he may have had very structured teaching and close supervision of his studies at school and so didn't really have the independent study skills required for university."

I appreciate this and very good points. These both have also occurred to me.

Just to say I think you sound like a great mum! I wanted to share my experience from being in your daughter position.

I once didn’t tell my family about a big (negative) life event that happened to me, not dropping out of uni, but similar. I also lied to everyone for many months about it, pretending everything was fine when it really wasn’t. I also lost a lot of weight from dealing with the stress of it all on my own.

I couldn’t really articulate why I didn’t tell them at first. Maybe because at first it felt too big of a thing to tell them and I was just focusing on making it through each day. And maybe it felt nice to pretend for an hour every few days when speaking to my family that everything was okay.

Also my family had some other hard stuff going on at the time and I didn’t want to make things worse by burdening them with my problems as well.

Then as time went on, I wanted to tell them but then I was worried about how I would explain why I didn’t tell them when it first happened, and if they’d be angry about that. And then it just spiraled and became this massive thing that I just didn’t know how to fix.

I have since had therapy and have talked through some things with my family about why I found it difficult to share when bad things happened to me, and there was some things in my childhood that led to it - which therapy helped me realise.

A big one was my mums depression - when I was younger I didn’t like upsetting my mum because I knew she was already upset sort of thing, and this feeling made its way into my adult life as well.

Your daughter is probably feeling very relived right now, but also may need some time to decompress. I would recommend getting her a few therapy sessions, so she can talk freely without fear of judgement.

Thanks for sharing that @winterwarmer8274 .

Check out the Universoty’s Assessment Regulations. They should be easily accessible on the website. They will be clear on timelines. There will be differences on whether she chose to withdraw; or whether she was required to withdraw. She will have this reason on her exit paperwork.
Once you know this, you can move forward with knowing whether there’s grounds for academic appeal.
Also, please do consider contacting the Students Association/Students Union offices. It’s not just for sports and societies, but offers really good advice and support for students in these situations.
Tell her not to worry. We’ve seen/heard it all before. People will be as understanding as they can, but there are rules, for everyone’s sake.
Finally, this isn’t the be all and end all. Being happy is more important. It might seem like the end of the world right now, but in a few years, this will just be a blip.

What she needs now is cups of tea, Netflix (watch together) good food (cook together) the odd take away maybe and lots of peace and quiet.

Is there anything she enjoys in the house, things like crafts or adult colouring books.

There is no point contacting the uni, they can't tell you anything.

There are a few possibilities:

She didn't want to go to uni but felt she had to / didn't know what else to do
She struggled with the course and could not get back on track.
She studied the wrong subject.
She had something traumatic happen, not necessarily what a PP said, it could be breaking up with a boyfriend / girlfriend, she could have been ill, mentally and / or physically

None of that matters right now. It might never matter.

She needs to not just know, but also feel she is loved. That is what you can do now. If she wants to talk to you she will.

Is it just the two of you?

This has happened to me, in that i was the student who failed first year, repeated, failed again and pretended I was still at university. I can't properly explain why, my brother was born when I was 12 and had severe learning difficulties so my parents were very preoccupied with him, despite being lovely. I was a people pleaser and a perfectionist, and struggled if I failed. I really didnt want to go to uni but my parents were set on it and at that time there weren't many other options. I have also recently as an adult been diagnosed with ADHD, which I think had a real effect on maturity and ability to deal with issues. My parents are lovely but were side tracked and too set on uni is the righg way. At uni I ended up self harming as a cry for help. My parents were quite cross at first but calmed down and were lovely. Helped me work out a plan and I went into work, and in time did a degree while working which was far better for me as it provided structure. There are different options now, lots of apprenticeships and that would have been a brilliant option for me. If it helps I am now 50, a Chief People Officer with children of my own. Stay calm, help her work through options get her some counselling, let her see there is a way through. I would try if possible to get her doing something, even if it's voluntary soon. Doing nothing is rarely a good thing. Don't blame yourselves, we all do what we think is best, but work with your daughter now to find the best way forwards.

Sadly, I'm not so sure that it is. Two of my friends' daughters were raped while at University.

Ah it sounds like you are being really supportive of her and that’s all she needs right now.

I don’t really have much to add advice wise but just to say I dropped out of University and I have gone on to have a decent (whatever that means) career and further studies etc it just wasn’t the right time or environment for me. One thing I will say and I don’t say this to be negative at all - I do wish I’d delved a bit harder into why I left ie was it the course/uni itself because I just kind of left without much consideration. I’m not saying this to worry you but just ask her is she ok and sure she doesn’t want to continue studying elsewhere at this stage - ie for September and this isn’t a conversation I’m saying you should have with her now but just to keep in mind

Anyway she’ll be fine no matter what because she has a lovely supportive family. This doesn’t define her or how her young adult life will be . Hopefully with the pressure off and lots of love she’ll get back to where she was x

The only way this post makes sense is if you are a rapist.

it May be worth finding out from your daughter if she’s had any help from (or can still access) the student support at her uni?
it’s often the case that students have access to counselling, careers advice, SEN assessment via their uni - and this can be much much more quickly accessed than any nhs resources.
she shouldn’t need to be onsite as she can probably access it remotely, but it may depend on whether she’s still registered, etc.
big hugs tho. To you both.

she needs to rest and reset
no decisions needed

Bless her.

I had similar with dd during COVID, thought she was doing her lectures online in her bedroom and she wasn’t. Found out after a few months and she’d failed the year by then.

I do agree with others that for your dd it doesn’t sound like university was right for her. I wouldn’t even talk about future decisions for a good few weeks.

if she finished her second year she may have had enough credits for a HE diploma. Even finishing year 1 may have got her a certificate in HE so that’s worth her checking