Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

[UniversityProblems]

Posted here for traffic.
In shock.

DD20 went to Uni Sept 2023. She started in foundation year because she didn't have the required grade in two of her A levels.
She failed the first year at university as she did not complete all her modules and had to repeat the year. In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

Everytime she was asked, she was very positive and I thought all was well. She never had any complaints and chatted happily about uni and uni life.
She went back to school in September (5 months ago) like everything is normal. This week, I found out that she was not actually a student anymore and I went down to find out what was going on. When I saw her my heart broke, it was true. She was in her rented shared accommodation, not really doing anything and she was so thin. She was short of money and had lost significant weight. I brought her home.

She is not talking about what happened, why she didn't tell me what was going on. I really don't have any idea how it all occured and how she was dropped from university.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?
Anyone been through similar with their DC?

Also when I failed out my parents immediately pushed me to find a new course to enroll in. I chose a completely different subject (science to business) within a week. I completed the degree but I hated all of it, I did the work but my mind was only half present and I was deeply unhappy - it was the biggest mistake ever.

yet parents don't have any right to know if their child drops out of or is asked to leave university.

This.
Had i known what was happening the first year, we maybe could have saved a whole year plus of misery. And if not a whole year plus, definitely, the last 7 months. She must have been so miserable.

And her student loan must have stopped, that's why she is so emaciated.

There are quite high-profile cases where parents have taken universities to court and won after something awful has happened, which means the rules about 'absolutely never speaking to parents without the student's permission' aren't quite as watertight as they once were — but this would be for enrolled students where there were safeguarding issues around something like mental heath, and it sounds like your DD hasn't been a student for a long while. It's probably best to draw a line under this experience and start again with thinking about what she might do next.

@UniversityProblems in answer to tour questions about approaching the university they simply will not discuss it with you or have the ability to do so as your DD is an adult.

Whilst I appreciate as a parent that maybe frustrating there is little to no point going back through it.

It's brilliant that your DD is surrounded by love. Focus for your DD will be what other careers or aspirations she has and there is more than 1 way to achieve it for many professions. Keep reminding her of that and her self worth.

And my parents weren’t interested in finding out why I failed the first time - they only wanted to know I was studying. So I kept up the pretence that I was doing fine in my second degree course but it was even worse tbh, the bar was just lower so I didn’t completely fail. I’ve never been able to be honest with them with any problems since.

What I mean to say is that it’s important to work on building a connection with your daughter so that she feels she can open up to you without feeling judgement and shame. She needs to feel she can fail and that it’s ok.

She definitely was her normal weight during the Christmas break. I have gone back to look at pictures incase I was mistaken in what i thought I saw.

Yes. Look after her.

Op sending big hugs. If you live anywhere close to CJ and want a therapist DM me.. this is a familiar narrative and there’s a lot of CBT type support that could get your DD back on track.

Otherwise, love her unconditionally and give her time and space to figure out what’s next.

a friend of mine did the same thing at uni.. she had an abortion and completely broke down after it and left university without telling her parents. Once her parents found out they supported her to work out what she wanted to do with her life. She applied for nursing and loved it and never looked back.

Gosh. I am sorry to hear this. Such a shock. I work at a University, and I think they probably wouldn't be able to discuss anything with you without DD's consent, as she is an adult.

I imagine she was ashamed and felt she had failed you, which was why she didn't tell you - but I expect she is now very relieved now she is no longer carrying that big secret. Don't press her too hard and I am sure she will open up when she's ready. Uni really isn't for everyone, but something will be - and she will find her way, I'm sure. Give her space to process and ensure she knows how loved she is. Her wellbeing is paramount - everything else can wait. Take care, OP.

I’m so sorry OP. I hope she gets strong soon and finds her way. Hopefully she will feel stronger in a few days with food and rest.

How did you end up finding out?

Hi @UniversityProblems I am so sorry your DD has had such a difficult time. It must have been so hard for her to keep hiding what had happened and then finally tell.

Apologies if I have missed this, but were you aware she had failed her first go at the foundation year? Or did she allow you to think she had moved to the first year proper?

It sounds as tho she went from amazing GCSEs and high A level PGs to less strong actual A level results and then uni really not being the place for her. If you cannot get through the F year then that’s not a great sign – in the sense of whether uni is right for you I mean. You don’t say what course which is fair enough for sure, but if it was something quite high pressure and high contact such as engineering or vet med (can you even do an F year for that? I don’t even know) then I think that won't have helped her.

I know numerous YP who have struggled at uni in various ways, with various outcomes. That btw includes me – went from top dog at school to nobody at a uni where everyone else on my course seemed to have spent the previous year living in Germany (MFL degree). I did go on and got my degree. Some people on my course did not tho. Equally some of the more recent YP I know have continued and graduated, some have left uni, at various stages.

It will work out in the end. I suggest strongly that despite your desire to see what the uni can offer her, that uni life, independent study, is not for her. I wouldn't worry too much rn about why that is. Get her physically well, mentally better and then start to talk about what she can do now, what she would like to do now.

All the best to her.

I think the advice to feed and nourish her and let her gently rebuild at home without pressure is good advice. When she's ready, she'll talk but whether it was mental health, academic struggles or something else altogether, she needs help to heal from it. Practical steps like a nice walk or doing a bit of gardening can be helpful too. I hope with time your daughter finds a route forward that brings her joy.

You are right to support your DD to get well and hopefully she will explain more when she feels able. You don't want to worry in future that she can't/ won't tell you if things are difficult.

For what it's worth, my brother barely scraped a Pass degree (too much partying and drinking and missing lectures). Got a very basic job then a few years later moved into another area of work which required further study. Interested and motivated he achieved top marks nationally!

I have now read all the posts.
I sincerely appreciate all the support and advice. There are so many I would love to reply directly too but there are so many.

For pp that have mentioned finances/accommodation/council tax etc, thank-you. That totally slipped my mind. I will keep it noted so i can return to it when I have a bit of space to think.

To the posters that have expressed surprise that my daughter failed her foundation year twice and I still want to speak to the university... I hope I can explain - until yesterday, I had a DD who was always top of her class, always had great ambition and a clear focus of what she wanted to do as an adult. I had a DD who to the best of my knowledge was thriving at university academically, socially, mentally and physically. My brain is still trying to catch up to the new reality.
Of course, my initial instinct what has happened? How? When?(which i am still not sure of), can i speak to the university find out what happened, how can i help her, can i help her preserve any part of her dreams so it is there when she comes through whatever is going on. These were/are my instincts. I know what my DD has always wanted, planned towards.. I guess i was just being her mum. Wanting to save something for her, do my best for her.

I am not going, yep you have failed your foundation year twice, i am not having that, you must go to university etc etc.
I know university is not for everyone and may not be for her. But i don't know what's going on with her right now.

To the posters questioning my parenting, I can only smile.

What shared housing is your DD in? Is it connected to the university?

I used to work in a university. Sometimes i would find myself talking to a very troubled student who felt they were on a course they didnt like or were struggling with. I would explain to them that life consisted of many paths and that it was ok if you found yourself on the wrong path,to change direction. It was a great relief to many to realise it is quite common for students to experience finding themselves on the wrong course. For some university wasnt the right path for them.Also, some passed modules can sometimes count as credits towards other courses. I wish your daughter well.

When I was at uni 20 years ago, a friend lived in a house share with two other students in second year.

One of his housemates had failed first year, failed the summer resits in August and so was not actually a student when they all moved in for the start of term at end of Sept.

This housemate lied to both of the other housemates for an entire year that he was going to lectures etc. he would leave the house and say "I've for medieval military history this morning".

They realised this in the second term when they spoke to some other people on the same course.
So they would ask "how was your day? What was the lecture on today?" And he would give them all this detail about what they had studied that day that was all made up. He would ring his mum and tell her all about his course as well and complain about essay deadlines.

They didn't let him know they knew. The other two were doing a third year abroad so there was no question of renewing the lease and he claimed he was going to move in for third year with some other people from his course

He went home that summer and they never heard from him again.

Incredible set of lies to keep up for a year. I do wonder what happened to him.

I think he was deeply ashamed of having failed and just didn't know how to accept it. I think he may have had very structured teaching and close supervision of his studies at school and so didn't really have the independent study skills required for university. He seemed quite sheltered as well so I think not living at home had been harder than anticipated for him in first year.

So it isn't that rare. I think she needs some reassurance that she hasn't disappointed you or anyone else but also don't let her fester at home moping and not doing anything for too long. She needs to get back out into the world rapidly so that she doesn't start to view herself as a failure stuck at home who isn't capable of more.
She needs something new - part time job in a bar, volunteering role, etc. Something that helps build some self-confidence up again and independence. The skills atrophy if they aren't being used.

She can then think about next steps, studying or working.

My DS is just about to leave his Foundation year, I think… he’s still been at home, though, so it’s been quite obvious, but the experience just hasn’t suited him at all. The course subject still interests him, but the learning methods and the wider experience he was ‘sold’ at the open days have been nothing like he thought. He is very disillusioned…
Its hard to watch because I really regret not taking my chance to go to uni and could be in a very different place by now if I had - but I’m trying not to project my feelings onto him and to respect his journey. I hope your daughter is soon back on her feet and finds her path, OP - it’s tough x

Are you sure it is your daughter’s dream and not yours?

My dream for her is to be happy with whatever she wants to do.

Apart from academics, she's extremely gifted in styling.
From a young age, she's styled her siblings, myself, her aunties, friends, my friends.
Once she's home, family and friends come round to ask her opinion on their outfits. A friend of my sister's gives her budget and she will go and shop for her. She is a very good thrift shopper. Buys clothes at very affordable prices but when she styles them... you would never guess. She truly is a great girl.

I am sure it was her dream.

I thought it might help to have some ideas to help her get back on her feet bit by bit (things my mum got me going with when I dropped out or was struggling mentally in my late teens and early twenties). Going to the gym, singing in a choir, voluntary work, part time work at the local pub, short course at the local college. Dad dragged me on obligatory dog walks and a bit of hill walking. I suspect I was a bit grumpy for some of it, but it did build me back up. I'd spent my whole childhood being defined by being 'the clever one' and without that and a 'proper job' I didn't know who I was, or how to value myself. All those activities helped to put the pieces back together. But in the end, it was only when I met my husband to be that he told me he loved me for being kind, not clever that I got it sorted out in my (probably ASD black and white thinking) head. So find things to praise her for, and say them out loud ( I don't know why but my mum and dad never did).

I can relate to this.

Oh, and she's entitled to sign on with the job centre and get help from them too.