Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

[UniversityProblems]

Posted here for traffic.
In shock.

DD20 went to Uni Sept 2023. She started in foundation year because she didn't have the required grade in two of her A levels.
She failed the first year at university as she did not complete all her modules and had to repeat the year. In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

Everytime she was asked, she was very positive and I thought all was well. She never had any complaints and chatted happily about uni and uni life.
She went back to school in September (5 months ago) like everything is normal. This week, I found out that she was not actually a student anymore and I went down to find out what was going on. When I saw her my heart broke, it was true. She was in her rented shared accommodation, not really doing anything and she was so thin. She was short of money and had lost significant weight. I brought her home.

She is not talking about what happened, why she didn't tell me what was going on. I really don't have any idea how it all occured and how she was dropped from university.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?
Anyone been through similar with their DC?

You don't get charged fees if you aren't enrolled on a course. Rent obviously

i Haven’t read all the comments but I want to say I can relate to your daughter. The difference for me was my situation happened in the last 18 months of high school so my mum found out about it by the school contacting her about my lack of attendance and I did have to disclose to her that I failed some of my exams the year before. Until this point I was top of my year, always getting awards and excelling academically.

Looking back on it I think I was just burnt out and I didn’t know how to communicate about it. I felt ashamed that I had slipped academically because I knew I was capable of more and just became more detached from my studies. My mum told me she had been notified and I just broke down. I decided to leave education for a while and got a full time job. That was the best thing I could do for myself.

I then worked full time for a few years, started a part time college class in the evenings when I was 21, went straight into second year of uni when I was 23, graduated at 26 and took a year to just work and decide what I wanted to do learning from my past experience. Then I did a graduate programme, by the time I was 30 I was a qualified accountant and now at 39 I have built a successful stable career.

We all need to go at our own pace but I think when you’ve been a gifted kid it’s very hard to expect anything different of yourself in your teens/20s and so while people might not be applying pressure it’s still in you. When you’ve always succeeded you also don’t have the tools to ask for help.

if I were you I would let your daughter know you will support her in whatever she wants to do. Acknowledge she will get where she wants to be eventually and it’s not always linear and encourage her to create some other kind of structure for right now, be it working or something else.

When i went to uni many years ago, I remember the Dean giving us an introductory talk and saying that sadly some of us would find it wasn't for us and would drop out and he urged us to contact student services if we were thinking of it. It's definitely not as uncommon as people might think. My nephew failed his second year last year - didn't tell anyone til it was too late. He was staying at home and doing a remote learning part time degree so his parents didn't realise. He is now doing an apprenticeship and is much happier.

I’m not saying no one should go.
Just that no one should feel it’s the only route as I know that definitely happens.
And I know a lot of parents apply the pressure and that’s probably how the girl in this situation felt.

You know eventually this will turn out to have been a good thing. Whether it’s diagnosis, a realisation that some skills need support, a belief that there is nothing shameful about struggling (hard to not be the star student and harder still to see that it is entirely worthless on a personal level) - some goodwill
come and this. You have had some arsehole responses - go gently on yourself and I wish you both well.

This is almost word for word what happened with my stepson. Had to repeat first year, then dropped out of second year but stayed in his accommodation. First we knew about it was a letter from student finance (which he asked us to open, possibly knew it would tell us the truth without him having to) saying he had to repay the term's loan because he had withdrawn.. he now has to pay monthly until it's repaid, because he'd spent it by staying in the student house! He ended up on anti depressants and has been on a minimum wage crappy hours job ever since (a good few years now).

Currently going through similar with DS who is the same age. He hasn’t been chucked out yet and I became aware of problems Nov last year. He is second year as had a ga year to have surgery on his shoulder and to earn some money.

His situation is the result of a unique set of events that you really couldn’t make up but accumulatively have had a massive impact on his mental health. The straw that broke the camels back was picking up scabies while in Prague last summer that has defied months of treatment. The scabies itself has gradually cleared up with regular use of insecticidal cream but the itching has been tortured. I do nt think he slept more than a couple of hours a night for 4 months. The itching is worse at night so he was catching up during the day.

Anyway he eventually broke down on the phone and said “ I didn’t sleep any to be here” he did not mean uni or his flat.

I mediated contacted the wellbeing service at uni and they phoned him within an hour. Unfortunately mental h although problems aren’t fixed overnight and it has taken hm until now to get back on track. He didn’t want to go through therapy or take meds so chose to try exercise and started playing rugby regularly. The shoulder repair was the result of rugby but he plays for an understanding team whose physio monitors him and advises him when his shoulder has had enough.

He's an intelligent and normally well motivated individual but had seriously lost his sparkle, was irritable and argumentative ( not his usual laid back self). After a couple of months of regular exercise, healthy eating and cutting back on alcohol he is making progress. He admitted using alcohol to shut out the noise. He had become agoraphobic and would only go out with other flatmates. I was worried that he may have been assaulted but denies it.

Initially when I became aware of his non attendance I was annoyed and tried to encourage him to buck his ideas up, but having gone through the recent scents with him I realised that he was displaying all the symptoms I was going through but as a young adult and not a battle scarred ancient adult who has developed the coping mechanisms that helped me get through it.

He is due to have another meeting with his tutor who has the full story and has made some suggestions re going forward. Initially he didn’t want to retake the year, when he was at his lowest but as he has come out of it he now sees it as the best way forward. He’s sorted out accommodation for next year and one of his housemates is only first year s has two years left.

His flatmates and network of friends have been great and very supportive they’ve known him for years so we’re aware that something was going wrong.

He’s home this weekend and is so much better. From my own experience you can’t rush recovery. Hopefully he’ll keep on improving and be his normal bouncy motivated self by his he end of summer.

Although I would have liked him to have some therapy I think the fact he has worked it out for himself is a positive for the future. It’s just so sad he has had to face so much at such an early age.

Finally I think that his school year group ( the same as your DDs) had a unique late teens experience with the pandemic and how it affected their exams and their social experience. We are just starting to see the longterm problems it is causing. As I said DS’s situation is somewhat unique and most adults would have struggled to cope.

OP your DD may need support. Unfortunately the NHS is swamped. I would start by just letting her come home and sleep. What’s done is done so there is no point looking for answers, when she is ready she will hopefully open up and you can get to the bottom of it all. Get her the support she needs, if you can afford it go privately. She may be reluctant but talking will help. The internet is full of young people competing for sympathy so you f you can try and keep her off the usual social media platforms.

Since Christmas DS and his housemates have been watching Game of Thrones, I had started watching it so we have a What’s App discussion on a regular basis. Gently opening up lines of communication seems to help. You can drop in questions about how they are feeling amongst the general discussion. I now have real adult conversations with DS rather than mother -son which seems t o encourage him to open up. I think that sometimes you have to give them permission to adult and reassure them that it’s ok to be independent. But if things go wrong you will still be there.

I apologise if I repeat anything others have said
My ds went to uni, failed his 1st year, went back to retake the first year and was not doing any work by the March of that year. He then crashed out spectacularly and I had to get involved as he shut down and his mental health was on the floor. It was a lot of phone calls and chasing different departments for answers and making sure he filled in forms and ticked the correct boxes on computerised forms. The admissions team and I were on first name terms by the end of a week!! Uni will not talk to you without your DD explicit written consent. Practically, you also need to find out if her student finance has been cancelled, if she's still under any contract for accomodation and whether she still owes tution fees for this academic year, as these don't automatically cancel just because a student has withdrawn. You need to do this quickly as I think it's something like the beginning of April where you can preserve not paying for the rest of the years tuition fees. It's vital that your DD tells you whether this has all been done and you have written proof. This does mean she needs to talk to you sooner rather than later as you really don't want to find out about unpaid bills. As to what she wants to do next, once you've established those practicalities, you can also find out if the uni would accept her deferring or if they've completely closed the door. That gives her time and space to decide what happens next
My ds didn't return to uni , relationship problems also blew up in his face and he moved into full time employment instead and continues to do very well.

Same, but not from an Asian family. I was always the capable one both academically and emotionally, until I was on my own and I didnt have the same pressure to keep up the pretence anymore. I didnt know what was happening, but when I went to uni I didnt know who I was anymore and I started questioning everything, and as the walls of pressure came down, so did the emotional stiff upper lip and I crumbled.

Don't talk about the future, and for now dont talk about jobs or studying, let her decompress for a while. Then hopefully she will come out the other side off her own steam, if not then gentle guidance to take steps. But let her flip flop between jobs if thats what she needs to do to find out what she wants to do next. Maybe she has to completely rebuild her identity if she was dead set on a particular course and career, so she needs to find what is right for her, not just anything. Oh, and dont spread it around the family any more than you have already, no matter how close and supportive they are.

You sound like a lovely mum, let her take the lead from now on, and let her know youre not disappointed and you love her now and even if she chooses to be a bin collector/brain surgeon. Her future career does not change who she is

I have experience of this situation from a loved one, I had no idea. It turns they have ADHD (possibly autism too), they needed far more support than the average student to keep on top of assignments and deadlines. They would put things off, and then they became scared of reading emails so they stopped reading them, it all just spiralled.

You need to speak to the disability team, explain your concerns, there is a good chance they will be able to accommodate her. My family member was told to seek out a diagnosis, then appeal (if they wanted to continue).

She will need more scaffolding, but that can be provided at university. Most of all she needs to know that it is not her fault, she is smart and capable, but she needed more support than she was offered.

University may not be for her, but if it is, she can get there with support, if she wants to.

I spoke to the uni because it was too much for them face initially. We decided that shorter professional qualifications were better for them and they are doing well, they were much older than you DD at the time.

Just reread my post and autocorrect has ha a field day. Just to clear up my son broke down and said “ I don’t want to be here” which rang alarm bells. I took immediate action and contacted student welfare who were brilliant

Many years ago I left university after 2 terms as I was homesick. My tutor (a lovely man) tried to persuade me to transfer to a different course close to home - partly to save me losing some of my future eligibility to a student loan (as I would if i should choose to leave and then start a course later). I wasn't in the right place for it then though. Instead i lived at home and worked as a trainee accountant in the NHS alongside a 4-year day release accountancy course. After 3 years of that I decided i was ready to give university another go and started a completely different degree which i could do while continuing to live at home. My NHS colleagues couldn't believe it (as i was just 1 year away from qualifying as a Management Accountant). Throughout all this though, my poor parents who had no further or higher education just supported me, no questions asked, no criticism, but they must have been pretty worried. Thankfully that time i finished the degree with first class hons before going on to do a PhD elsewhere and then working as an academic for 27 years. I think i just wasn't old enough the first time round. I'm sure with your continued love and support your daughter will also find her own path whatever that might be. And I can tell you she'll be forever grateful to you for supporting her tgrough this. Best of luck to her and to you.

My cousin did this. She’s now 40 with a good careee.

Not the same situation as your DD OP, but my DD withdrew from university just into her second term. And she's had a gap year. It wasn't the right time and maybe the right thing for her. However, what I wanted to say was I felt so the emotions you are feeling. I felt guilty we'd not recognised this path wasn't right for her. I felt extreme worry about what her future could look like without a degree and went into overdrive trying to think of a plan b, trying to fix things.

Once I got DD home I felt burnt out by it all. In some ways that helped because I took some time off work and created a calm environment for DD and treated her and myself with gentle care. No agenda. We watched TV and did some yoga, crafts, colouring whatever... I also told her we liked having her home. I think she needed to hear that as she felt like a disappointment and a burden to us.

What I would like to say is, 6 weeks or so on, my need to sort things out for her or worry about her future has lessened. I'm just letting her be and that is good for her but also good for me. She does have a pt job and we've arranged some counseling and we'll see where she is in a year.

The adults and other young people DD has encountered have all been hugely sympathetic and also know someone or gave had their own experience of a false start or the wrong path or wrong timing. It is so common.

Wishing you and your DD well.

Not to eorry you further, but i think you need to get to the bottom of how she has been finding thousands of pounds for rent. That might be a whole new can of worms!

Am sure you have been giving her lots of love and food since you brought her home but next week you need to start on some of the practicalities. Talking about these might also get her opening up a little bit about what happened:

Did she leave uni in June 2025 so wasn’t enrolled this year and owes no tuition for the current academic year?
Did she enter a full year rental contract for her accommodation so still owes rent till June 2026? Is she behind on the rent?
Is she overdrawn with the bank?
Does she owe money for electricity, gas and water? Does she owe this to the providers or her flatmates?
Does she owe money for council tax? Did she fill council tax forms in saying she was a student (a lie obviously)?

Presumably you are going to have to help her settle any of these debts particularly if there is a risk of county court judgements being taken out against her. And if she owes her flatmates then settling those debts will help repair the friendships which are presumably quite important to her. I would be treating any debts you settle for her as a loan to her which will hopefully get her thinking about the future and how to pay you back.

Has she been doing any work while away over the last few months? I don’t know what benefits she might be able to claim - perhaps job seekers allowance if her plan is to look for work? Perhaps you could look into that together. Again that is an opener to talking about the immediate future. The long term future can wait as she probably needs a bit of time to get over the stress of the last few months.

I agree. The girl probably didn’t say anything because of the fear of anger repercussions.
She needs to just be listened to and understood.

I did the same thing as your daughter. I didn't cope with being far from home and living on my own. I was so ashamed that I hadn't succeded at Uni and depressed that I wasn't making friends for life, doing all the fun things I was meant to be doing as well as not studying so I hid away and covered it up for as long as I could. I got into a lot of debt which caused further stress and depression. I didn't know I had ADHD at that point and was quite immature for my age. I came home totally defeated and severly depressed. My parents were a mixture of angry and worried but were very supportive of my return. I worked in retail for a year to clear some of the debt and sort out my mental health then started University locally doing a totally different degree which was funded and I did really well. I lived with my parents for the first year of the new course then stayed local. Being near home was so much better for me as I could become more independent in stages. Hopefully your daughter can take some time out to figure things out and get herself back on track. I remember at that age how truly awful I felt and I wish someone had told me that everything would all work out. Some of us are just late bloomers, particularly if neurodiverse.

l forgot to say- her University wont tell you anything without her consent. You are allowed to fail a module a certain number of times then after that you have to leave the course. Unfortunately Universities are often well aware that students aren't on the right course but they hang onto them as long as possible for the tuition fees rather than suggesting they leave. I would encourage your daughter to spend some time away from University to figure out what she really wants to do.

Hi
Main thing is your daughter is safe and she can now have time to plan her next move.

My son took a year out and then declined his place at Cardiff Uni. and instead is now studying/working on a Modern Apprentice degree in Project Management with BAE at Barrow-submarines.

He is basically being paid to get a Honours degree with a secure job!

WRT to your daughter there are multiple levels of apprenticeships she could access Level 2 to 7 (degree level).

Your daughter would be eligible for at least a level 3 if not higher.

If you Google 'UK apprenticeships' there are lists of companies that offer a variety of levels-TV production/fashion/accountancy/engineering/computing etc.-the list is long!

Aldi offer a range of store manager apprenticeships linked to Kingston Uni-pay is 20K + a year-not bad for a 'student'.

But as of 5th April 2026 the UK Gov. is planning to allocate the apprenticeship funding more to the lower level apprenticeships so your daughter might want to start planning her next move.

Anyway, being 20 and not sure of what you want to do is not the end of the world-I was the same but took my father's advice, got my Economics degree and then had a wide range of jobs-ended up in Penang, Malaysia-I would never have seen that scenario happening at 20 years old!

Good luck.

I believe so too. It will turn out to be a good thing.

Look, she's too afraid to admit she failed. The bottom line is that her university career is over. She can't get full tuition from SLC to complete it SO TODAY that's her finished.
The warning sign was that she didn't have good enough grades which implies she's not an academic and was pressured into applying for uni.

I failed 2nd year. Twice. That's me done for life with uni. £10k a year fees? Dream on! Uni costs £25k annually, so unless you got that as spare change to waste in continued failure go ahead.

You never mentioned what course she enrolled in either, so can't help you with alternative advice either.

Maybe I can suggest sending he abroad for a couple years to Australia on a working holiday. She'll grow up, and being away from home, will bring out the adult in her... with a lump of accountability too.

I went through this with my DS. Regardless of how well you think you know your DD, she has a whole inner world you don’t know. I wish I had hired a private detective for a couple of days to check into my DD for a couple of days before confronting her. It may be that she simply didn’t cope with being one of the smart kids to being a big fish in a small pond. She may have been unprepared for the realities of university life. It could be that she has gotten in with a bad crowd/has a dodgy boyfriend. Either way, it’s better you know what they’re really up to, even if it’s nothing. I supported my DD for months and found out she had been skiving off from classes and working in a pub. Good for her that she was working, but that is not what we had agreed upon. My DD is also rather socially vulnerable due to her mild ASD and I found out that her “friends” were financially abusing her. She took a couple of years off study and worked. She is now almost finished her degree and has been supporting herself through this.

"What can I do to help her?"
Unless you know the cause, no.

"Is it worth having a chat with the university?" maybe, but your dd is probably the best one to sit with and be honest.

"From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?" is not default university issue, it's funding.

She showing classic symptoms of depression and social isolation in your description. Maybe she had a bf or intimate encounter that went wrong and that distracted her badly enough that she won't talk about it. Seen that happen so many times over the years. I'm not some youngster anymore and look forward to retirement more than building a career.

Try www.edx.org and let her decide what to do if she even wants to do anything, but never forget she is an adult and the effort must come from her first.

Thanks for this (your name makes sense now!), but, for me, life is about much more than money. I would rather have the knowledge i have and the personal growth I experienced whilst attaining it than all the money in the world.