Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

[UniversityProblems]

Posted here for traffic.
In shock.

DD20 went to Uni Sept 2023. She started in foundation year because she didn't have the required grade in two of her A levels.
She failed the first year at university as she did not complete all her modules and had to repeat the year. In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

Everytime she was asked, she was very positive and I thought all was well. She never had any complaints and chatted happily about uni and uni life.
She went back to school in September (5 months ago) like everything is normal. This week, I found out that she was not actually a student anymore and I went down to find out what was going on. When I saw her my heart broke, it was true. She was in her rented shared accommodation, not really doing anything and she was so thin. She was short of money and had lost significant weight. I brought her home.

She is not talking about what happened, why she didn't tell me what was going on. I really don't have any idea how it all occured and how she was dropped from university.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?
Anyone been through similar with their DC?

Sounds like she struggled with the lack of structure and oversight. I wouldn't write off uni altogether, but maybe living away from home and studying at the same time aren't a good mix for her.

Could she enrol at a university closer to home, or go back to college to resit her A Levels?

Our daughter dropped out of university in the first term, hated it!! Came home and got a junior clerk job. Immediately happy and enjoyed being in this office job, flourished. Changed job several times, enjoyed them all and plenty of promotions. Now in a very well paid job managing many staff in a prestigious law firm. A degree is not necessary or desirable for many people and jobs.

I never comment on these threads but feel like I have to here.
I’m a 27 year old male and this is exactly what happened to my then-girlfriend at the time.

She was forced to leave by the Uni due to poor first year performance but was too scared to tell anyone and just sat in the uni house morning, noon, and night doing nothing other than crying.
She eventually reached out to me saying that she was considering having to steal food as she had no money but made me promise not to tell her parents.
She told me the only thing keeping her going was playing games online and painting her nails every day.
I ended up sending her money for food and told her she’d be much better off telling her parents as I’m sure they’d understand.
It eventually got worse and one of the girls she lived with ended up reporting it to the mental health service and she got taken in and the hospital informed her parents.

She ended up coming home, told everyone everything and I had many thank yous from her parents for helping her when she was in need.
We broke up a few years later, but she now has a decent job and a new boyfriend, and they both live together and are very happy.

I didn’t go to Uni despite thinking at 18 that I should be, and instead trained to be an Electrician in a local college.
I got through it, started working for a company in 2020 on £40,000, then after a while I took a career break and became a Driving Instructor.
I did that for about 3 years and was on about £1,000 a week with a company car included.
I taught many Uni students to drive and every one of them questioned why they were still there.
The workload along with never having any money just destroys them.
I used to pay particular attention to these ones by giving them extra encouragement and asking questions about their week.
I also told them that my number is not only for booking lessons and I’m always available should they need a listening ear.

I then left and went into self-employment as an Electrician, where I’m now earning at least £80,000 a year. Just me and my van working in my city Monday to Friday 9am-4:30pm.

University isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
My three closest friends from school all did degrees. They graduated 7 years ago, and since then, two work for a homeless charity, and the other works in Asda.
Meaning they’ve never even used their degrees.

I’m earning £80,000 a year with just 3 GCSEs, no A-Levels, no degree, and no debt.

The only reason I’ve gone into so much detail about myself here is just to prove to everyone on here and the girl in this case that there are many other well-paid pathways into work other than degrees.

Give her plenty of food and reassure both yourself and her that there is a bright life ahead.

As a teacher, this is one of the reasons you should never over react to a child being clever or getting things correct. And this isn’t a dig to you, because as a parent you want to correct but children need to learn how to find things hard, how to fail and what to do if they do, teachers and schools also need to allow children to ‘fail’ sports days and other ways to allow children to do well but also not be the best. I may be wrong but it sounds like your daughter has always been academically strong and not struggled in particular and therefore doesn’t know what to say or do and feels an overwhelming feeling of failure and fear of causing disappointment to herself but also her family. Not that you have or haven’t put pressure on her because it’s natural either way.
College’s also need to not put so much pressure on children to go to university, it isn’t for everyone and lots of careers can be achieved a different way. It can be really difficult, because you feel rail-roaded to go to university, even if this is what she wanted to do I think other options should be shown.
I ‘failed’ my first year at college due to not being good enough in my exams but taking academic subjects I thought I was better at than I was. I luckily was given options from a teacher who knew what I wanted to do but from college it was game over. Again this is wrong, they should support with what happens next if they don’t let you continue. There has to be a duty of care. Just like football clubs now do more to those that don’t make it professionally they can’t just wipe there hands clean.
I hope your daughter talks to you soon and realises that there are so many options and that you sound like you will support her in any way that you can but you need to know and understand to be able to help!
Wishing your family the best and I hope you manage to make a plan xx

Not been through this personally, but a friend of mine fooled his parents when we were at uni - saying all was fine when he’d failed. He’s now 40, a Director of company, married with two kids and living a great life. He doesn’t think his parents know what happened at uni even now…!

It doesn’t sound harsh at all.

What she should have done is re-taken her A levels to get the grades that she needed. People forget that it’s a massive jump between sixth form/college and university. We acquire skills from revisiting “our failures”.

If she hasn’t suffered a traumatic experience then it means that she hasn’t acquired the skills for independent learning. This is something that parents needed to ensure that their children have before send them out into the world. You need to understand how to assess your work so that you can improve. I’m not talking about a full on critical analysis-that’s a teacher job. I’m talking about being able to say “I can better in this small area”.

It’s true that university isn’t for everyone. But please try to ensure that if she’s not going back that she doesn’t feel resentful about it. I have a sibling who failed her foundation year because she lacked the skills and 20 plus years later is still giving the rest of us hell about it.

It sounds like she's embarrassed and ashamed. Maybe it's best to wait and see if she opens up. In the meantime is it possible to find a part time job to give her confidence and earn a bit of money?

Thank-you

Im personally proud of the work that I did in homeless units. And my post grad got me that first job in the unit. I originally wanted to be an accountant. I'm glad I didn't take that pathway but I'm still happy I did my degree

I get your point. There are other pathways -but we don't all need to use the degree we did, my first degree was in business studies-that doesn't mean it is a waste.

There was a mumsnet poster last year that got as far as hotel before graduation and the ds told them in morning when they were all dressed up there was no ceremony as had dropped out. I suspect it’s a lot more common than people think.

Sorry, don't have time to read all the posts but I'm raising an AuDHD boy (and awaiting my own diagnosis) and recently found out about RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria). So much about my son and me in my younger years made sense to me. Have a look into ADHD issues like procrastination and inertia, perseveration, for ASD, and I think you might connect the dots. Good luck.

Perhaps something happened that she doesn't want to talk about right now. The fact she carried on as though nothing had changed.
If there was no pressure coming from home to be in uni. Maybe the pressure came from within.
She may talk about it when she feels able.
It could be something sensitive. That she finds difficult to express.

I had a similar experience with my son years ago. His ambition was to become a Doctor, and to his delight, he was accepted into the medical course. He went off full of hopes and dreams.
However, things went downhill from there. He just couldn't cope with being on his own, and uni life in general. We had no idea until he came home and said he'd left the course. We were devastated

I’m amazed that you aren’t furious at the level of deceit she has used.

She went back to her flat at university after she had failed that course. For nearly six months. Obviously something has gone very wrong somehow

She probably feels very ashamed and stuck, seeing no future and trying hard to deny the present.

I'd hold back on your questions. Her worst nightmare has come true - i.e. you knowing she has failed.

For now, focus on getting her back to health.

Depending on how she seems to be (willing to talk about it or not) suggest a therapist, if she thinks it would be a good idea to talk to a neutral party about what's been going on for the last few years. A checkup by her GP would be a good idea, to assess whether she's depressed.

Above all, bite your tongue and avoid the topic of deceit, and dont indulge in questions along the lines of 'But why couldnt you tell me?' She probably feels terribly ashamed, and has probably been extremely stressed for a long time.

A little holiday might do her good - could you and she get away to somewhere warm and nice?

That would be the absolute worst approach the OP could possibly take.

OP you asked about groups for autistic girls

On facebook there is a national group _ I think its called Autistic Girls Network

I am in several SEn/autism / girls autism facebook groups mostly related to my part of the country and some national.

there will be something in your town if its big enough.

I want to add - I know others have said it but I remember a couple of friends really finding Uni so hard because it was just nothing like school.

It was also hard for those young people who perhaps were 'star' of school - you mention she was 'top of the class' - that's (in my personal opinion) an odd thing to say about primary school - I am not sure how you would know that and I wonder if it's been something that has been a lot of pressure for you and for her to always think of her in that way?

I don't believe that children of 8/9/10 can be measured against ecah other easily - or children of any age but certaintly not so young.

It sounds like you are giving her lots of love and care - I want to say that as the parent to an autistic girl - life (as you will know anyway) doesn't go in a straight line. Children/young people/adults - can learn at any time

I am not sure why there seems to be a worry on your behalf about immediately getting her back into university. Could she just step back a bit and work out what went awry for her - and be very careful at considering her next step on lifes path ...

So many things can go wrong when you start a degree course. I only lasted a few months. My main problem was that although the degree was Environmental Studies which you would assume would be about the environment and ecology and stuff it was advanced mathematics and sociology.

I can only assume that eventually they would have taught some biology and geography (they were my best subjects at A level) but nobody explains anything to you. At school I failed maths O level first time round and managed to pass second time, promptly forgetting everything.

If you've been sitting in lectures on calculus and not understanding anything for weeks you start to wonder what you're doing there. If I had known the course involved learning calculus I would never have started it. They should have known someone with poor maths skills wouldn't be able to understand anything.

Just throwing this in here, this happened to my sister. Frankly she was young, immature and ill-prepared (and chose the wrong course). 20 years later she got her degree first class honours.

This is probably not reflective of your DD or her abilities. She’s clearly struggling, needs support and some mental rest. She (and you) needs to put university aside and after some recuperation concentrate on a new path entirely.

Working in homeless units is a great job.
But my point is solely that young people feel very pressured that uni is the only route when it definitely isn’t.

A girl I taught to drive did an English degree but couldn’t find a job so became an accountant and she actually enjoyed it.

My friends do say that their degree was a waste as they’re repaying their loan every month for something they’re probably never going to use and none of their degrees were required to work in homelessness or Asda but obviously that’s all down to personal interpretation.

If I bought a car and paid road tax and insurance for several years but never drove it anywhere, I would consider that to be a waste.

I was personally never pressured into going to uni by my family. My mum and uncle were the first people in my family to go to uni back in the 60s because they got a grant. Both my mum and uncle were very clever and my mum said that her parents worried about how they would get there. My grandpa worked full time. He was an electrical engineer but they couldn't have afforded to pay for their study

Of course it's not the only route.

I graduated last year at the age of 56 and that's the degree I'm most proud of. But I know friends of mine who left school at 18 and went to work and went to uni in their 30s and older

I have friends in their 50s who graduated at the same time as me with their first degree

Lot's of people do degrees later in life and that's great

Timeline wise- what’s happened with this years rent and fees? Because if she started the year even for a week I’m guessing she’ll have been charged fees..?
Plus rent for the term/year.

Or did she drop out in the summer and not register this year. I would find this out.

I’m sure this is way more common than you’d think. It’ll feel like a big deal, but it isn’t.

Rest and recuperate for a month, then explore options, of which there are loads.