Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

[UniversityProblems]

Posted here for traffic.
In shock.

DD20 went to Uni Sept 2023. She started in foundation year because she didn't have the required grade in two of her A levels.
She failed the first year at university as she did not complete all her modules and had to repeat the year. In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

Everytime she was asked, she was very positive and I thought all was well. She never had any complaints and chatted happily about uni and uni life.
She went back to school in September (5 months ago) like everything is normal. This week, I found out that she was not actually a student anymore and I went down to find out what was going on. When I saw her my heart broke, it was true. She was in her rented shared accommodation, not really doing anything and she was so thin. She was short of money and had lost significant weight. I brought her home.

She is not talking about what happened, why she didn't tell me what was going on. I really don't have any idea how it all occured and how she was dropped from university.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?
Anyone been through similar with their DC?

This happened to me when I was at uni (the first time). I had a massive breakdown after starting uni and fell apart. I had a lot of trauma unravelling and being away from home was the catalyst but it was for the best. I moved back home and took a few years out to get psychiatric help and figure out what I wanted to do. I was deeply unhappy but I was at least safe and family supporting me. My parents were very patient and understanding about it all. I ended up applying to a different uni and committed to it, got a degree and later on, a masters. Uni at 18 can be too much - nothing wrong with being a mature student!

I personally think the biggest issue is that she went back to uni and pretended all was ok for five months. I think you need to have a gentle conversation about that before anything else

Apologies. I didn’t see your later post that you studied part-time.
As far as I understand it, the part-time fee grant is dependant on your income? But it’s not an area I work with, so thanks for highlighting it.

Sounds like maybe it’s too much for her. My daughter went to Uni at 20 as she felt at 18 it would be too much for her. She did a Degree then a Masters. Maybe look at other options a job with on the job learning or an apprenticeship. Or University later if that’s what she wants she needs support & care & maybe an honest talk about how she is doing. Good luck.

Similar experience with our daughter. Problem was a boyfriend which my wife soon sorted out. Definitely be sympathetic and help her find a job. She will soon find her feet again. It's not easy at that age - relationships, living away from home, finances - it all ads up.

Yes it is. It's income related. If someone has less than 25k a year in household income they can get a part time degree funded as long as they meet the criteria. NI is similar but the threshold is lower and Wales has something similar again for people on low incomes but it's a mixture of grants and loans

There's also no maintenance loans for part time students in Scotland so you either self fund or get your fees paid

I think you need to look to yourself here. Your DD did not get the grades required for uni. Did she beg and beg to go anyway and do a foundation course? Or did you force her and pressure her into it?

Did you know she failed the year at that point? Yet she went back, clearly not able to cope with the work. Again, is it what she begged for or were you pressuring her? She failed again - no wonder she did not dare tell you.

The telling thing for me in your OP is your comment 'is it worth me having a chat with the university? seriously, you need to get a grip. your DD did not have the grades to go, failed the year twice, was scared to tell you cos god knows how she feared you would react, and you STILL think you should contact the uni. utter madness.

Focus on looking after your traumatised DD. Help her see university is not the be all and end all. and do not let her know you are ashamed of her as she's not at uni anymore.

We have had similar - though as far as we know SD 23 is still at uni having her third attempt at year 3 ( and there was a foundation year too). But it’s perfectly possible that’s not the case - we never know if she’s telling the truth… shes always been like that since early childhood unfortunately.

I cant say we have handled it well or got it right … mainly because there was a long history of poor behaviour which we started to tackle before we knew she was having problems at Uni- so unfortunately we got in the way and it had repercussions ….but based on our experience as parents here’s my advice

maybe she just isn’t suited to it - I certainly wouldn’t have handled Uni in my teens/20’s

The Uni probably won't be allowed to talk to you as She’s an adult.

Also, from personal experience just before I was due to start uni, there may be trauma that’s caused disruption - maybe . It’s not unheard of - but tread gently and don’t assume that’s the case, or over worry.

for now just love her with a safe home and a lot of gentle care.

Uni can be a worrying experience for some at 18 if they've never been away from home. I would always encourage a gap year if possible, whether to work and/or travel. That year will also help them to decide if they really do want to go to uni or try something else. I am not sure why the rush to go from A Levels straight to uni. I just think that everything is so rushed. Starting uni a year or two later is no bad thing for some young adults and the gap years if they work and/or travel will do wonders for their CVs. Look how many that have degrees that cant find a decent job - many employers value a CV with something to show maturity.

I had this happen with my middle kid. They really struggled to get the work done with so little structure and accountability. It took them some time to tell us what had happened, although not quite this long.
It turns out that they had undiagnosed ADHD, and research we did at the time suggested that neurodivergence often makes itself obvious in changes from GCSE to A-level, and from A-level to university.
Also, hiding things that have happened like that can be due to the rejection sensitivity that often comes with neurodivergence, whereby you're terrified to disappoint people.
It sounds like you're a sensitive and understanding mum, so I hope your DS can talk to you about it all and accept some support. Best wishes to you both

I just want to echo that struggling, and failing, at uni much more common than people realise.

My friend failed his final year twice and lied to his parents about it. I don’t know if they know but they didn’t during our 20s and he felt intense shame about it all.

I struggled through college and uni despite being “gifted” when I was younger. I couldn’t concentrate during long lectures, left coursework until the last minute so underperformed, and always had to do summer resits. Came out of uni with a 2:2 and my self-esteem in tatters.

It turns out I had undiagnosed ADHD and I’m not suited to traditional classroom learning. Once I left uni and went work, I was grand - I learn well being hands on. Ive done well in my career, get great feedback and enjoy my work. I was just a square peg trying to jam myself into a round hole.

Hopefully it’s the same for your daughter and she just needs to find the right place for her.

What on Earth were you thinking sending her to Uni? She hadn't really succeeded at A-Level, so how on earth was it ever going to get better from there-on at Uni where self-study is paramount and at a much harder level? You made a catastrophe-in-waiting by letting ger go to Uni. Now that's all fallen asunder, do your best to get her a decent job so she can stabilise, pay rent, feed herself, and get on her own career ladder.

Chiming in here because when I went to university, I had the same problem. My grades dropped, I was kicked out, however, I fought to go back. Noted, I did pay my way through university. It was because I was sexually assaulted.

She did 4 A levels according to the OP

Just offering another perspective. I was very bright at school and always excelled. I found the step up to uni extremely challenging. Not to the extent of your DD, but not far off. It's actually a family pattern - both of my sisters found the same to different extents and one dropped out of uni.

Neither of us has SEN. We just had very nurturing home environment and a bit of a spoon-feeding school; these things only support for so long. I was still academic but I was struggling with workload. I was really embarrassed to admit it too. Who wants to tell their parents that they are no longer their genius daughter?

Not to say you shouldn't allow her to consider ASD. But just to say that it's not the only reason this could happen to someone who was a bright child.

We're all doing OK the other side of university :)

My brother went to uni with four Scottish Highers. From recollection three Bs and a C - he finished his degree. People don't have to do exceptionally well at A level to get a degree -the Royal family haven't always

Hi, OP

I was your daughter, once upon a time. Turns out I do have autism and so do my children. Eating disorders are a part of the package. You didn't know about uni, so how can you know about the lack of an eating disorder?

Question everything. Get her a counselling referral via the GP and get her on the ASD pathway for an assessment, because they can take a very long time.

I now have a degree via the Open University, and I'm about to start my Masters. The OU might be a fantastic choice for your daughter - Studying from home with lots of support, healthier lifestyle, she can even apply for part-time or FT work. I worked while studying and still do. It can be done. It will keep her active and keep her constructive in life.

There are many ways, but first of all - GP. Mental health and physical health, is paramount. Don't push the questioning on what happened. She will tell you in time. You sound like a fantastic parent. I wish mine had been as supportive as you. Instead, I recieved abusive parents.

My eldest son went to uni (4 hour drive from home) in sept 20.

He was the only person in the shared uni accommodation, all classes were online.

We didn’t know at the time but he developed a raging drug addiction.

He called my husband in March 22 sobbing and asking to be collected as he’d got into massive debt with dealers and he was a mess. He’d hardly done any classes.

I had no clue, I spoke to him a lot and he came home for Christmas and he was fine as fair as I could tell.

I hope that she can talk to you about whatever has happened. I don’t think the kids realise that uni isn’t all partying and they need to do work and it’s not easy without someone watching over them.

most kids go from living at home and everything being provided for and suddenly they have to make adult decisions, and they don’t always make the best ones.

Without knowing you or her i would say she is clearly not academic and has been trying to live up to her perception of your high expectations.

Some students in this position have even committed suicide. So the first job is to make sure she knows that whatever happens in the future success or failure all you want for her in life is too be happy whatever that means. The second job is to get some career guidance to find out what she enjoys doing.

There is always student welfare or whatever who would nbe able to advise her. Or a local HE establishment that is short of students. Failing that there is the Open University. Dunno about funding though.

I've heard a few similar stories recently where students have found uni just isn't for them and how are you going to know until you try? Your dd has tried and is now probably relieved that it's all out in the open. I wonder if she put pressure on herself?

Whatever, it doesn't matter now. Luckily she has you who obviously realised somewhere in your gut that something was amiss. Better than spending another few years somewhere she didn't want to be. Sometimes even if people get through the degree, they're not always happy but put pressure on themselves to continue and then come out only not to do the job their degree was aiming towards as they realised that career wasn't something they enjoyed.

Your dd is fortunate to have a supportive and loving family. Once she gets back on track, she'll be all the stronger for it, I'm sure.

My friend is a graduation manager and it happens every year. She gets parents shouting about their incompetence ‘missing’ yp off ceremony and all they can say is you need to speak to yp. Worse she had last year was one who had dropped out yr1 and pretended for 3 years. She’s also had parents fly in long haul for international students and they hadn’t attended course.
My DD’s flatmate didn’t enroll yr2. It came to a head when they got a massive council tax bill. I was worried re her wellbeing and emailed her mum who had no idea. The none student is liable for full council tax less 25% single discount if she’s only none student in house.

Foundational courses are one of the most common routes into full degree courses. 1000s of students a year do not get near the grades and enrol on foundational courses. I know several people who ended up with Firsts after starting at foundational level.
So yes harsh byt more importantly completely ridiculous and uninformed.

My mum didn’t care.
You WILL go to school and you WILL do well.
She didn’t give a shit that I hated school or that I was sinking or that I’d lost 30 pounds in my first semester of university.

That was a ME problem and I by God better work everything out because GRADES ARE WHAT MATTER.

So in my 2nd year I just didn’t tell my parents that I dropped out to take a position at a local tv station.

If I could encourage parents to do one thing, it would be to listen to your children - both verbally AND physically.

So much good advice already on this thread.
As you mentioned you think she might be autistic, I wanted to make a book recommendation. It’s called Aspergirls by Rudy Simone. It’s a bit old now (published in 2010) and uses some old terminology like ‘Aspergers’ but I still think there’s lots of interesting information in it. I’d recommend you read it first, and then if you want to, to pass it to your daughter. I’ve attached a photo of the book contents list, and the first page of Chapter 10: Higher Learning, which you may find particularly useful. Your daughter may find Chapter 5: On Blame and Internalizing Guilt, useful too.