Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

[UniversityProblems]

Posted here for traffic.
In shock.

DD20 went to Uni Sept 2023. She started in foundation year because she didn't have the required grade in two of her A levels.
She failed the first year at university as she did not complete all her modules and had to repeat the year. In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

Everytime she was asked, she was very positive and I thought all was well. She never had any complaints and chatted happily about uni and uni life.
She went back to school in September (5 months ago) like everything is normal. This week, I found out that she was not actually a student anymore and I went down to find out what was going on. When I saw her my heart broke, it was true. She was in her rented shared accommodation, not really doing anything and she was so thin. She was short of money and had lost significant weight. I brought her home.

She is not talking about what happened, why she didn't tell me what was going on. I really don't have any idea how it all occured and how she was dropped from university.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?
Anyone been through similar with their DC?

This is bizarre. You are the one who spoke badly - the OP has been extremely polite in her response to you.

Your post is so cold. Scientists are saying our brains aren’t fully developed until at the very least, mid to late 20s. Goodness, what must it be to be as perfect as you.

Op: am i being unreasonable?
Me: yes!
Op:You seem so angry. Not sure why. Maybe my post triggered something. Whatever it is, I wish you healing.

A mistake is a one-off error of judgment, not 6 months of sustained lying to someone close to you!

One thing you will need to do is find out if she owes rent -unless she's paid up for the full year. If she hasn't she could potentially try and sub let the room to another student. Some students do look for short term lets due to circumstances

Are you guarantor for student house @UniversityProblems

My DD started university at 19. Partway through her second year her stepfather (my second DH) died. He had been more of a father to her than her actual father and her uni work suffered as her mental health was so bad. She came home and did temp jobs whilst deciding what she really wanted to do. In the end she started at a local university (living at home) doing a Mental Health Nursing Degree and now, 9 years after graduating, she is highly regarded in a senior post with her own home. She just needed time to decide what she wanted to do with her life.

Not everyone makes choices from a bad or selfish place. If you read the comments, you'll see lots of other examples of at a minimum reasonably successful women who experienced similar situations for various reasons. Trauma, undiagnosed medical conditions, mental health difficulties. Instead of jumping on blame and negativity, what is the harm with starting to support, help and understand?

You also haven't read very thoroughly as you have stated a number of incorrect facts in this reply

Sometimes people struggle living away from home. Other people thrive on it. I was just homesick. I didn't actually drop out of the year. I failed all my exams and passed four out of five on the resit and could have carried one forwards -but I didn't want to. I knew at that point I just wanted to go home.

My brother went to uni away from home at 17 and loved it. I had friends at that college but we didn't socialise together. I was in a relationship too. Was just co incidence he was at the same college but he was settled there -was the year above me

The ou actually do an access course,in more than one subject-its won't get you into a brick uni as far as I know -but I have heard very good things about them -I don't think they are too expensive either

Edited to say if she was on a qualifying benefit she would get it paid for

Also. She needs to find out if she can get a statement from the uni detailing how many academic credits she has -because she could potentially use these as credit transfer in the future -not sure how that works with a foundation year though.

You need to go to bed and get some sleep.
im guessing there is some projection here from something in your own life.
Get your facts straight and Dont slag off OPs DD

It's usually a sign your kid has gone off the rails.

It sounds like she was struggling academically. It isn’t for everyone and I honestly think some people go as they aren’t really sure what to do.
My son has just dropped out of uni, never went back after Christmas. Did a foundation year and then started the main degree in Sept. He just struggle, failed an exam and despite studying just couldn’t get to grips.
i would rather her dropped out than made himself stressed or ill over it. Also would prefer that he didn’t accumulate more debt unnecessarily.
Give her space and time to recoup and recover

@UniversityProblems

Which A Levels did she take, OP?

I think this was me in a different way. I wanted to go to uni (and it was expected) but when I got there I hated the course and the place… failed one year and resat and finally failed one exam in my finals (I had anaemia but didn’t tell anyone). I’d already organised a good job that didn’t need the degree.
Nobody asked me in all that time whether I was OK or happy, and I didn’t have the confidence to speak up.
My kids now have a couple of degrees each and it hasn’t been plain sailing; they all had some kind of problem along the way, but I have asked (bored them rigid?) on many occasions asking if they’re happy, as I now know that it is possible to change course etc.
I wish I’d known that earlier.
This maybe isn’t relevant at all OP, but maybe she just wasn’t happy with what she was doing and once things had gone wrong she didn’t feel able to say?

What on earth are you talking about?

Even if she is in Scotland, the government only contributes to a first degree - except in some cases, where there’s PG education required for certain professions (teaching, healthcare, etc)
Even if you do another BA (or MA as a first degree where offered), it’s usually not funded. Obviously I don’t know the particular circumstances of the PP, but I want to disabuse folks of assumptions university is all free here.

Very similar story to my DS. Scraped through 1st year, failed 2nd year and avoided contact with us. We took him home. 10 years later he is a very happy sports instructor. Academic life was not for him. So lots of love and support, and help your DD find something she enjoys.

This is vile!

I'm so sorry, that must be really hard. I did the exact same thing at her age and didn't tell my parents for ages. I had been pushed into medicine initially and really didn't want to do it. I rarely went to class and was told not to come back after my first year. My parents were gutted. Then, as I had always been a singer I was pushed into music and got a full scholarship to one of the best music schools in the world, studying with an incredible soprano. I lasted 2 months, hated every second. Didn't tell my parents, moved in with my boyfriend (now husband of 24 years) and was basically a total shit from a parental perspective. Looking back I think there were several factors at play, the main being I wasn't ready to commit to something for the rest of my life and the second was undiagnosed ADHD. Maybe there's an underlying mental health condition that needs support rather than a specific event?

I think all you can do is be there for her, listen to her and be supportive. She will find her way with love and support.

That's not true. If you do a degree part time and qualify for the part time fee grant you can do as many as you like as long as you fit the criteria

I knew two people who did this at uni. They both dropped out after a year and it took them over a year to tell their parents. A mixture of reasons felt embarrassed, worried how their parents would react.

They have both ended up happy in life, married with children and have jobs. So definitely not end of the world

just be there for her and listen.

The university wont talk to you unless she gives explicit permission. Even then, as far as they’re concerned she’s gone. Personally, this feels deeper than the university to me and it requires proper support for whatever is going on for her.

I didn't go to university until I was 22, none of our children went straight from school. They all worked and travelled and went from 3 to 7 years after finishing school. None have lived at home since they were 18 or 19. Our eldest is just finishing her first degree and will be 30 but she has worked and lived in Berlin and Chile, another worked in Italy another spent two years travelling in Europe and working. They all ended up at university but doing subjects they wanted and were interested in and focused on the course and not the challenges of being independent or doing a course that they chose because there was nothing better to do. Or a 5th choice course because of their grades. They all say it was the best thing they did not going straight from school.
Getting healthy and happy and building her self confidence back up is the main thing now. Choices of career and future directions and options open to her can wait. There's always options and choices for bright young adults and a stuttering start doesn't define anybody as long as they receive the support they need.
These are the times when being part of a strong supportive family come into their own.

She didn’t get the grades to get in, so guessing it’s not her first choice university. I would say uni is not for her! She failed to meet deadlines on multiple occasions which is why she was asked to leave. I’d suggest looking at apprenticeships.