Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

[UniversityProblems]

Posted here for traffic.
In shock.

DD20 went to Uni Sept 2023. She started in foundation year because she didn't have the required grade in two of her A levels.
She failed the first year at university as she did not complete all her modules and had to repeat the year. In the repeat year, she completed 3 out of her 4 modules. unbeknowst to me). The university let her go. I was totally unaware of this.

Everytime she was asked, she was very positive and I thought all was well. She never had any complaints and chatted happily about uni and uni life.
She went back to school in September (5 months ago) like everything is normal. This week, I found out that she was not actually a student anymore and I went down to find out what was going on. When I saw her my heart broke, it was true. She was in her rented shared accommodation, not really doing anything and she was so thin. She was short of money and had lost significant weight. I brought her home.

She is not talking about what happened, why she didn't tell me what was going on. I really don't have any idea how it all occured and how she was dropped from university.

What can I do to help her? Is it worth having a chat with the university? From experience, would anyone know if there are any other options for her at the university?
Anyone been through similar with their DC?

Indeed, autism in girls is badly misunderstood and usually diagnosed quite late, if at all.

How can one connect with parents of girls/young people with ASD?

I have not read anything other than the original post but...

This happened to me. I was really smart but found that I wasn't ready for uni, couldn't handle these structure or the drinking after breezing through school.

I have since realised I was in a basically 4 year depression, which should have been noticed by me as I went through 4 residences where the only constant was a floor I couldn't see for the mess.

All i can advise was my.mum held me as I cried for 5 hours when my friends were all graduating

I got a call centre job then when I was ready got my degree (the first of two) from the open university and have had a happy ending, so keep believing in each other, and good luck.

You could contact your local National Autistic Society group. Also NAS run a service you might find helpful https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/help-and-support/parent-to-parent-helpline

Your gp might be able to help. Also try your local carer's network. Mine runs monthly support groups for parents of asd adults.

There are also Facebook closed groups. Have a search on Facebook and you will get suggestions.

Then there is the annual autism show https://autismadhdshow.co.uk/

Thank-you

This is great advice. I think your DD needs to know she has a loving home she can return to and just reset herself.

I was (untypically) on TikTok yesterday after my DD sent me a link, and the next post on my feed was from someone saying they’d spent a year or so at university, but had made no friends and it was the worst year of their life. It had about 600,000 replies.

Stop trying to put a square peg in a round hole. Academia is not for everybody.

Could she do some voluntary work in the community while she decides what she wants to do long term? It would help to build up her CV and would give her some valuable experience.

Am i reading a different post to everyone else?
Op says her dd didn't start uni til she was 20, so after nearly 3 years of these shenanigans is, or is nearly 23 years of age!
She must have know by last summer or more probably earlier, that she was being chucked out of uni, yet for 9 months or so has been happily lying to her parents-op describes her as being cheeerful and chatty at Christmas. What has changed since then? What has she been living on? I guess s combination of monies swindled from her parents and debt. I guess shevis now comingbto the end of her credit lines and its all coming home to roost?That is what is behind her sudden weight loss and change in mood!

She is not a 'poor girl', she is a feckless, deceitful woman in her mid 20s who had made her own bed, but instead of leaving her to lie in it, mummy and daddy will follow her round witha bucket, cleaning up her shit!

@ByQuaintAzureWasp The OP says that:
She had her mind set on uni and there was no reason to discourage her. Her DD wanted to go to uni, it just hasn’t worked out.

Most likely you are reading a different thread. DD is 20 (will be 20 this June).
Her mood never changed at home or on the phone.

Yes, she knew she was going back to 'school' when she was no longer a student. But she didn't swindle any money from me.

I don't expect you or anyone who hasn't met her to understand, she is a truly lovely person. A good egg. She has never been feckless or deceitful.

I will support her and help her get back to living a full life.. if that is what you call running around after her with a bucket cleaning up her. And I will support her happily and proudly. If i do not support her, teach her, guide her, who would?

She made a mistake, I don't know anyone who doesn't. Even adults way older than '23' still need help and support. I still do.

One thing i know, is that no matter what happens to her going forward, she will never feel the need to hide it or suffer alone. All her family have rallied round her, me and her siblings.

You seem so angry. Not sure why. Maybe my post triggered something. Whatever it is, I wish you healing.

My DD would be absolutely fine.

You realise many apprenticeships require university study too? Or are you talking about level 3 hairdressing or something equivalent?

There are loads of non academic apprenticeship routes to try out for young people. Not everyone is interested in gaining a degree.

Just a few that don't require going to uni...pharmacy services, or business admin. Not just hairdressing. Butchery is also another one.

OP, how did you discover it all, did something make your DD tell you in the end which led to you going to get her?

You sound like a lovely supportive mum. Ignore the nasty poster, absolutely unnecessary.
I have DC coming up to Uni age and this thread has given me some good tips in terms of what to look out for. I'm sure your DD will be fine - she has your support and a loving family which is more important than anything. Good luck to you all

@UniversityProblems
I've read all your updates, your OP made me very sad, the thought of your DD hiding this, that she felt she had to keep up the pretence of returning to Uni.
That must have been awful for her and devastating for you when you found out.

I didn't go to uni but I have what would be considered a "good" job with an equally "good" salary.

I work in the rail industry (NetworkRail), no qualifications for my role when I joined and no real interest in the industry.
I started at the bottom and worked my way up.

Dependant on your DD's interest could you look at apprenticeships, entry level roles etc?

We offer "A Year In Industry" to young people for experience, other companies may offer similar.

We also have hundreds of different roles from admin level upwards.

At 20 your DD has time on her side this isn't the end of the world it's the beginning of her new life.

Right now she needs cuddling, feeding up and love and understanding which it sounds like she's getting from her wonderful mother and extended family❤️
When she's ready I'd be telling her to stand up tall and proud "Chin up, chest out" and let's move forward 😘

I have been taking note of all the helpful and practical suggestions. I would also take note of this. Really helpful.
It's lovely to hear people's journeys and their achievements.
Thank-you for your lovely post.

@Trampoline , a couple of other posters have asked the same thing.
I couldn't reply then and still not sure how I will handle reliving it. But I will try.

When DD went to Uni, she came home every few weeks and would happily take cooked food, groceries and money. Sometime last year, I noticed her visits were tailing off but thought it was her studies, thought she was more settled in Uni etc.
When going back to Uni last September she didn’t take food, refused money said she was okay. I know she got gifts of money from family over the summer holidays (belated birthday gifts).

By December, she hadn't been home since she left for university. When she came for Christmas, she seemed her normal self. Going back to Uni in January, again will not take food and refused money.

Which i know realise she didn't feel she could take because she wasn't in school as we all thought.

I have another DC in uni much further away who never comes home, so I often surprise visit taking food, groceries, treats etc. It was all the stopping of DD's visits, refusing food and money.. so, I decided to surprise visit her and that's how I found out. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I still haven't cried. Don't think I can.

Aw I can see this has been very traumatic for you and her op. She’s with you now though and you can help get her back on her feet. X

She needs to be able to demonstrate there are substantive new skills if she is undertaking an apprenticeship at the same level as her A levels were. So a real change is probably advised. She will also need to work 30 hours or more which may be tricky currently especially if she hasn’t been able to maintain the few hours of her degree course.

I'm so sorry OP, I can't imagine how tough that discovery was. Thank goodness for your surprise visit.
I didn't mean to pry. Thank you for sharing. Our children remain our children regardless of their age - it never occurred to me that Uni makes no contact with parents (which is quite obvious when I think about it) - and makes me realise how easily this can happen. It's an uncomfortable feeling and makes me wonder if Uni's could do more. I guess until you know what has happened you could cross that bridge later. If your DD was noticeably under performing or not attending etc, is there ever a point where a Uni alerts parents? Surely there is a duty of care somewhere?

Sending you big hugs - i hope your wider family are also giving you plenty of support x

Hi OP, this was a very long time ago but I also messed up at uni (twice) and didn’t tell my parents. I’d moved 200 miles away and on reflection was unprepared, too immature and also too shy to cope with uni. I ended up in with a drinking/drugs crowd and just drank and got stoned instead of going to lectures and tutorials. The good news is I got a job and found that I much preferred working, learning on the job and having my own money. I’m now a senior manager in a professional services firm. I think uni just isn’t the best option for some people. My son is three years into an apprenticeship scheme and is loving it, and recently bought his first house with his girlfriend. Uni isn’t the be all and end all. Best of luck to you and your DD.

If this is the way you speak to people who disagree with you, no wonder your daughter felt she had to lie to you!

If she has incurred what, at least £6000 to date, let alone rent for the rest of the year£1000, she hasnt got the money to pay,just because she can't tell you the truth, there is either something very wrong with you as a parent, or with her! There's no other explanation!

You are reading different posts. Have you read any updates, the situation you describe is just made up in your toxic mind. It's impossible to know the reasons for such an inaccurate and nasty post, but being charitable, we could assume you have been triggered and are projecting. Of course you might just be a horrible person who enjoys other's misfortune and just makes things up. We will never know, but best to keep it to yourself.

"they way you speak to people" - the irony!
You must be reading the wrong thread. Or you must be a very unpleasant person.