To feel smothered and annoyed by love interest

[Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread]

I’ve used love interested because we are NOT in a relationship but we are dating. I’m bi sexual and have recently started dating a lovely lady, so lovely that she is absolutely grating on me.

we’ve been dating a month. My child free days are now automatically allocated to her and she’s matching her work pattern up to mine (both self employed) meaning when my DC are with their dad she’s automatically assuming I have to spend every moment with her.

she’s been very good to me so far, kind and thoughtful. Very attentive. But there are red flaga

• she’s expressed she has an anxious attachment style which is fair enough but this soon seems full on
• after 1 week of dating she was really offended that I said “well you are single, as am I” in regards to online dating/deleting profiles
• shes made an excuse that she needed to collect something from her parents and as a bi-product forced me into meeting them - I believe this may have been planned
• she wants to “do something” every minute of every day. For example, today I wanted to spend the day pottering about before both dc return home, she insisted we go for lunch outside and to a garden centre because the weather has been nice. Then proceeded all day to say my “vibe” was off and I seemed annoyed. I said I just have a busy mind and schedule and want to get on with things. To which she took great offence and said she wants to make the most of our time together (we’ve been together the past 4 days and nights)

various other things like this. You might say it’s up to me to say no, which is true, however I hate the bluntness and the atmosphere it causes. I’m actively working on my boundaries after being in therapy following previous relationships. I have gently expressed we don’t need to spend every waking minute together, but each time it’s been met with some sort of sulk or mood iyswim. I really dislike upsetting people. Before she left, I basically had to take her bags to the door and almost had to say “get out” because my 20 or so “it was nice to see you, drive home safe” were met by blank stares or just changing rooms to sit on another sofa. It took over an hour of me saying I need to get on with things and need some time alone for her to actually leave.

I feel really irked. I didn’t want a relationship, yet I’m basically in one. There’s been various other things that have annoyed me like posting me on social media (we have mutual friends and I don’t want any of them to know I’m dating?) I’ve said it’s too soon and I don’t want people to see things. It stopped for a few days now she’s carried on ten fold. She’s planning on a trip somewhere up north next week that she needs to go on, and is harassing me for dates, I don’t want to confirm dates as I don’t know a) if I want to go and b) I don’t want set plans next week in general, I just want to have a chilled few days off. Not be held to something. I said you go on your own if I’m free I’ll join which was met with “no I’m planning specifically round your work days so we can go together”

AIBU to be annoyed? Wwyd? I want to send a message saying cool off without being nasty or mean. She’s a lovely woman but I feel overwhelmed and it’s giving me the ick - friends would have been great!

So many red flags here! You don't want a relationship but she obviously does. The kindest thing to do would be to end it now, before you really lose your rag with her. She will continue to stomp all over your boundaries and have a strop when you push back, however gently. This one's not for you!

@MsPavlichenko said it all

My god run like the wind! Pleaee !

Anyone who announced their 'attachment style' would put me off immediately tbh.

Please don't send her anything like this. She needs a clear, unambiguous and short message. Anything else will give her an opportunity to twist your words and pressure you into being what she wants.

I feel like I can't breathe reading that. Break it off and go do some therapy to find out why your boundaries are so rubbish. Because most people would have told her to fuck off by now.

You need to have a gentle but honest chat with her ASAP. Agreeing and then quietly seething is going to boil over and as you've said she's already picked up on your "vibe" being off on one of the occasions when you've felt railroaded into doing something you'd have preferred not to do.

As she's been open with you about her anxious attachment, and presuming you DO still want to see her and build a relationship naturally at a mutually comfortable pace, you could reassure her of your interest and come up with a mutually agreeable way you can reassure her IF she's feeling anxious, rather than being non committal and her spiralling and becoming more anxious and pushing harder etc.

I'd explain you like her, enjoy her company and want to spend time with her however you also need time to yourself, to see friends, do chores etc when you don't have your kids or work and that this is a normal healthy and balanced dynamic - NOT a reflection on how you feel about her.

Its ok to be transparent and say that it feels stifling to you, that doesnt mean you dont ever want to see her, more that you need balance!

4 days in a row seems like a lot this early on, and for you in general by the sounds of it, and thats ok! My partner of 2 years and I recently fell into a similar trap of seeing each other every weekend, all weekend that we didnt have our respective kids and we both ended up feeling stifled, yet had both assumed it was what the other wanted!
Now we have altered it to make sure we spend some time together but not the whole time so we are both free to fit everything else in that we want to do!

Being independent and having mutual interdependency rather than codependency in a relationship is the key! Getting the balance with everything.

Good luck x

My gawd, OP I feel suffocated just reading this. Personally I would go apeshit if someone posted my car or anything about me on social media. I want people to know what I want to tell them, so have someone decide for me!

it does sound very suffocating! imagine spending years like that and even living together.

But there's no middle ground to be had with someone as intense. You're either in 100% or she's going to make your life hell. All her lovely attributes will not make up for her sucking the fun out of what could be a nice thing.

I think however you end it now it's going to be a shit-show, with pass-agg SM posts and minor league stalking. Please tell us she hasn't met your kids yet.

I am not sure it would work, but if you want to try and make this work, honesty is needed. Tell her what you told us - you like her, but it feeling very full on and you value your time alone and need to balance those two needs right now. That you understand if this does not work for her, but if the relationship is going to work for you, she will need to find a way to be ok with this. From what you said, I doubt it will go well, but at least you will know you tried.

I agree there is no middle ground

having a talk will just confuse matters stay and be smothered end the relationship quickly and be clear it’s not for you

and I can guarantee she will be in another intense relationship very very soon

You clearly haven’t ‘worked on boundaries’ as much as you say you have!

she’s not ‘lovely.

YABU for dating her this long.

No-one has to respect your boundaries except you. Boundaries are a delineation between what you want in your life and what you don't. What you are responsible for and what you are not.

You expressed your boundaries that you felt things were too much, too soon. She has ignored that.

Now you have to enforce your boundaries by your actions. You don't stop burglars from stealing your stuff by sitting outside your house and trying to persuade them not to go inside. You lock your doors. She is stealing your time and your peace, so it's time to 'lock the door on her' and end the relationship.

Also re boundaries - her 'anxious attachment' is not something for you to fix or adapt to. You are a relative stranger, and she has thrown this out to try to excuse her boundary-busting behaviour. It's her stuff, and her responsibility.

In fact, it is part of a pattern of her controlling behaviour that you haven't recognised. Her wanting to be with you all the time is part of that picture. Abusive relationships begin like this, and it is because, like cult leaders, abusers don't want to give you time to think, and to notice what they are doing.

Please end this.

No, this woman needs a much more direct message with no room for any ambiguity.

‘Hi Intensia
I’ve enjoyed our time together but I don’t feel ready for any kind of romantic relationship. I need to be on my own for a while so that I can concentrate on my children, my family, my job and my friends. I have packed up your belongings and have left them outside your home. Sending best wishes for the future’

I’m known for being too blunt so you probably need to soften my message slightly. I have absolutely no difficulty telling people to get lost (including annoying dates!). Whatever you decide to tell her, make it all about your needs rather than criticising her and the way she behaves.

I felt overwhelmed reading that list, I highly doubt the exes were psychos, she’s deluded.
Don't cool off, this one needs brutal bluntness.
Drop her stuff at her door, do not knock the door & block her everywhere.
Shes sounds obnoxious.

@DickieAnderson no need for War and Peace!! that’s giving her a lot of room for manipulation, these loons need bluntness.

Yeah, you might like things about her but there clearly are way too many things you don't (extremely reasonably!) for this to work. She does sound incredibly possessive and boundary-busting, I would wager she would quite likely become controlling and abusive if you were to continue. Run!

Suffocating.

She will probably dump you after a few months of this intensity. It’s kind of typical behaviour.

I agree with this.

But the longer you leave it the worse she’s going to be.

As a pp said, keep it all about you. “This isn’t what I’m after at the moment, all the best.” Don’t criticise her. Don’t give her ammunition as I get the impression she has the potential to turn quite nasty.

Just be pleasant and breezy and grey rock her.

im not sure how me spending 4 days and 4 nights consecutively every week constitutes to me not wanting to spend time with her? I know married people who see each other less! Once or twice a week would be great.

I absolutely understand this @Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread my OH & I don't live together, I have a son (8) who lives with me & he has a son (15) who lives with his mam, we see each other pretty much every weekend when my son is with his dad, we're together a good few years at this stage & this really works, we talk to each other during the week but I can't say that when Monday morning comes along & he closes the door behind him it's a slight relief & like a recalibration of "now I'm in mammy & teacher mode" for the week, I love him & I know he does too but I can absolutely understand your feelings of being smothered ESPECIALLY this early on

She is very full on not least that she wouldn't leave, moving rooms & making you have to be borderline rude is not cool

You've already tried to say relax not least about the social media posts & she hasn't so I'd have to agree with pp & say she's not the one for you, good luck & yeah I second getting a ring doorbell too 💐

You're incompatible and you know it.
Move on and don't waste her time - it's not fair.

all you need to do is text her and say

'this relationship is over. please arrange to collect your belongings at x time'

no sorry, no asking for space like you need her permission, no leeway no nothing.

and you say you have had therapy to work on boundaries. sorry but it has failed.

It sounds like love bombing.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩