To cancel holiday with friend after what I found out?

[BrainyKraken]

My DS is 14 and I'm a single mum, I have a close friend and he has a DD the same age. Her mum passed away when she was younger so i’d like to think I'm a good female role model. The DC get along well and we go on holiday all together once or twice a year.

A few weeks ago in the wash there was a piece of condom wrapper that had been washed, I asked DS and straight away I got “it isn't mine” I told him it isn't mine either and it can't be the cats and he then admitted it was his but he wasn't having sex with anyone he got them from school in a sex ed class. I believed him and I think I still do

However the thing that changes things is I found out yesterday that he is dating my friends DD, I found out by accident when looking through his phone I saw messages come through which suggested they were more than friends and DS confirmed it. We had a holiday planned at easter with them and I've told DS we cant go now and he got quite annoyed and said this is why he didn't want me to know because now they won't be treated normally. He's told me not to tell her dad, I told him I feel like he should know especially as he will want to know to reason for cancelling

WWYD? Cancel? If so tell friend the truth or? Any advice appreciated

It’s different because it’s a situation created by OP and her “close friend”. What did they think was going to happen?!

Your daughter sounds lovely. It's what other people will try to do by accessing her phone.
I cannot tell you how many parents I've had crying in my office because they didn't know what was going on and who their child was communicating with.
"Oh. She's a good student and so well behaved!"
"He'd never do anything wrong!"
It happens.

If they're dating then they're obviously meeting up and spending time together, why would going on holiday be any different?

Sorry, OP - I don't want to derail the thread with the issue of parental checks, and I have to go now, so I just want to say that I hope it goes well with the conversation with her dad. . You can access advice through various agencies if you need to.
Good luck.

Just because you found a condom wrapper doesn't mean the condom was used; I remember being given them at school,and I opened a couple out of curiosity. I wouldn't immediately assume that your son is having sex,based on an empty wrapper.
Would they even have had the opportunity to have sex in your house?
Cancelling the holiday seems a bit extreme; if they are "doing it", they'd have to be very brave to try,with 2 parents around!!
Talk to your ds's girlfriend's dad and ask his opinion. I'm guessing that he'll have far more anxiety about this holiday than you do!

I would have a proper chat with him about safe sex and that he is underage. I wouldn’t cancel the holiday but I’d explain that if he still wants to go, you would need to tell the girls dad. I’d also try and speak to them both together and set some rules. If you react badly and get angry with him, you’ll push him away and he won’t tell you anything and he will do it behind your back anyway. Try and explain it being out in the open is easier for you all and that you do trust him.

I wouldn’t cancel the holiday though.

I was having sex at 14. I didnt go on holiday with my boyfriend and still managed it. I look back now and think wow I was young but we stayed together till we were 19 and genuinely loved each other. You were right to check the phone, and right to be concerned, your being a responsible parent. I would speak to the girls dad, I would not mention sex because you dont actually have proof of that but just say your concerned the potential of that happening while your away. I think there is potential for them sneaking into rooms on a night, I know I would have 😅. They are not going to be prosecuted as some previous bizarre comments have said!

Perhaps I would if check her phone if I had grounds for suspicion. But I would have to be honest about that - to her and to myself. I think it’s unfair of OP to claim she found out about the relationship accidentally when she deliberately went looking, then expect honesty from her son in return.

I’d look to cancel as teen relationships aren’t really known for their longevity. They could easily fall out by the time the holiday comes around and it’d be super awkward hanging out with two teens who now hate each other.

Are you a teenager yourself? I sure as hell hope you aren't the parent of one. Not checking your child's messages would be negligent. As is turning a blind eye to a fourteen year old having sex.

I'd talk to DS and explain that if there's any chance you're going to go on the holiday, your friend must be told about the relationship. I'd agree not to mention the condom wrapper to him, but would tell him he had to know they weren't just friends.
Then I'd have a chat with my friend and work out together where to go from there. I wouldn't mention the condom, but I'd raise the possibility with him that two 14 year olds in close proximity may get physical, and work out a strategy for handling that with your respective DC. You and your friend may decide the holiday isn't such a good idea together, but at least its all in the open.

Checking a 14 year old’s phone is responsible parenting and should be a condition of getting the phone in the first place.

Not checking it is neglectful and stupid.

I wouldn’t cancel the holiday but I would tell the dad.

He’d rightly be hopping mad if you didn’t - he needs to be able to safeguard his dd still at her age as you need to your DS - you’re the responsible parents!

Both of them need to have a good chat about what is and isn’t safe from their parents. They’re too young to have sex for a good reason - they won’t be mature enough.

"I found out by accident when looking through his phone" :-D

So is he

My thought exactly! Why on earth would you facilitate them having sex at an age when they should not be having sex. Not emotionally, psychologically or physically ready. Keep an eye? Right.

I would tell your friend the reason why if you trust him to manage the situation calmly.

The girl’s dad needs to know.

Both parents need to talk to both kids about safe sex, the age of consent, about consent, and the importance of clear and open communication.

I was groomed online before smart phones. I was smart, well behaved and honest. I thought I was sensible. It's only in hindsight I realised what was going on.

The Internet is a tough and dangerous place for teenagers. It's sensible to know where they are going and what they are doing, just like you would in the real world.

What "very serious legal ramifications" are these? Nobody will be in the least interested about two 14 year old having sex.

It's not ideal, but it's not illegal.

Do you not check your children’s phones? How remiss. You ought to be.

And Jesus Christ, of course two 14 year olds having sex is illegal. It is statutory rape.

I think cancelling the holiday is over the top. I would let your friend know and between you you could watch them more carefully or talk to them about trusting them and you don't want to feel let down.
At 14 isn't it normal that he would show an interest in a relationship? And if you are already friends with the dad and know the daughter well surely this is a positive as you know the family and that it is someone you get on with - unless you worry about when they break up it ruining your friendship with dad.

He is clearly lying re the condom wrapper. Are you both sharing rooms with your DC? I’d still go personally.

What is your thinking? That he shouldn’t date anyone? Some 14 year olds have boyfriends/girlfriends, that is life.

Sex is another matter as they’re under age. They won’t be given their own room together though?

Of course you should be regularly checking a 14 year old’s phone.

Of course you are concerned about going on holidays with his girlfriend.

OP does the girl’s Dad know? Because you need to tell all other parents asap. Then talk to them about sex and how they are too young.

And obviously curtail their alone time.
Check where he is using his phone tracker.

Do not listen to people using words like snoop and safe place. These people are not stepping up and doing the hard parts of parenting.

You are at serious risk of danaging yiyr relationship with your son, leaving him angry with you and having lost his trust in you. He will become secretive and do things behind your back. He will tell himself it is your fault he is doing so. He will find comfort in her arms. When he would have confined in you, he'll confide in her. If he didn't consider sex with her, their new closeness might change that and you can believe you are going totally wrong about it.

If her dad is such a good friend, why aren't you discussing it and making decisions together?