To cancel holiday with friend after what I found out?

[BrainyKraken]

My DS is 14 and I'm a single mum, I have a close friend and he has a DD the same age. Her mum passed away when she was younger so i’d like to think I'm a good female role model. The DC get along well and we go on holiday all together once or twice a year.

A few weeks ago in the wash there was a piece of condom wrapper that had been washed, I asked DS and straight away I got “it isn't mine” I told him it isn't mine either and it can't be the cats and he then admitted it was his but he wasn't having sex with anyone he got them from school in a sex ed class. I believed him and I think I still do

However the thing that changes things is I found out yesterday that he is dating my friends DD, I found out by accident when looking through his phone I saw messages come through which suggested they were more than friends and DS confirmed it. We had a holiday planned at easter with them and I've told DS we cant go now and he got quite annoyed and said this is why he didn't want me to know because now they won't be treated normally. He's told me not to tell her dad, I told him I feel like he should know especially as he will want to know to reason for cancelling

WWYD? Cancel? If so tell friend the truth or? Any advice appreciated

So what happens they put 14 year old in prisons or their parents?

He won’t be prosecuted, they are same age. And if you are so sure, post the link or name of the law.

I don't think so, but it could get sticky if either of them decide that they were coerced into it.

I just checked and it is, indeed, a criminal offence for two 14-year-olds to be having sex. So in theory, each one could absolutely be charged with statutory rape. Which probably wouldn't happen, but they could fall out and one could accuse the other of assault.

Since what they're doing is a criminal offence, it's also both parents' responsibility not to facilitate it.

It's especially a pity for the DD, given that early sex is associated with cervical cancer and depression in girls (but not boys, what a shock).

Why would she be American? Ridiculous.

Presumably they could both be prosecuted.

She's not snooping on other people's phones.
She's checking through her 14 year olds, which is responsible parenting.
Smartphones under 16 need very careful management.
Doesn't everyone know that?

You're right to look. He's only 14, that's not snooping, it's being a good parent. Ignore the laissez-faire attitudes. Have a conversation with her dad. Consider a joint response.

It's completely irrelevant. They're in the UK and it matters.

You are aware that it is illegal for a 14 year old to be having sex ?
OP I would still go tell your friend and keep a close eye on them

I agree. Plus again with the "snooping", which is just responsible parenting.

Well I remember at senior school the boys blowing them up and flossing their noses with them...

Not saying it's that likely here, but there are certainly other things they can used for. 😂

I’m not sure why you’re so shocked about this tbh.

Even if they weren’t dating, I wouldn’t be having them share a room etc anyway because at their age things can happen.

I definitely wouldn’t cancel (not sure why you would) and definitely wouldn’t tell her dad.
Tell him that there is to be no sexual contact on the holiday what so ever else you’ll have no choice but to tell her dad.

I can’t help feeling that you’re more concerned about how this will affect you and the dads relationship.

It's pretty easy to check if the condom came from a lesson, the school need to publish and communicate when those lessons happen.

Her dad is a good friend of yours so I would start off by having a heart to heart with him about it first to see how he feels about it. I think parents should do as much as possible to prevent their underage children having sex.

If the condom was used then great I guess but I know a 14 year old is currently pregnant in my DC’s school and it’s very very sad. Just makes you question where the parents were. You can’t monitor them 24/7 but you did the right thing checking his phone and asking him about it. I think shared accommodation could be a risk too personally.

They’ll have sex when they’re on holiday alone. He lied about the condom being his. He’s lying that he won’t have sex with the teen girl. 14 is way too young and I wouldn’t be giving them any chances to be alone! You need to tell the girl’s dad as he’s your friend.

Trying to stop teenagers having sex. Good luck with that.

I tend to think check with the school re. timetabled lessons/content. Condoms are not available for under age children in our school whem external speakers come in (am a teacher) but others may be different.

If it turns out they have been, yes I'd absolutely cancel the holiday, otherwise you are giving them prime opportunity for middle of the night meet ups.

Both parents need to read the riot act of why the law is what it is. The risks, the dangers, the need to follow rules. All the reasons. And then meet ups are limited to each other's living rooms or yes, Starbucks.

14 is very young to be thinking about the opposite sex. I think I snogged a few at school discos for the experimentation of it, but I was v immature!

I would speak to the girl's father just to say you believe they are in a relationship and what does he feel about the holiday.
As a father of a girl he might view it differently as if anything goes wrong, conception wise, if they are having sex, it is his daughter that will suffer the consequences.
If he finds out at a later date, and tgat you knew, he won't trust you again. I would want to know if I was her father. He might be cool with it, he might not be!

I think you need to sit him back down for a serious chat. The hiding things is an issue and asking you to hide it from dad. Explain that it makes it hard to believe other things he tells you. I do get initially lying about the condom out of embarrassment though. Of course dad needs to know now too. Offer him the check for his gf to tell him before you do. Discuss the holiday with dad re how you will keep them safe. I don’t think it makes seas ti cancel as they will do what they are going to do regardless at home but would have to be pretty brazen to try anything with both parents under the same roof

You were going through your son’s phone?

That's what good parents do. How do people not know this?
Do you know what some children access in their phones?

Still, it’s too young. I do think the girl’s dad will rethink the holiday which I think is wise.

If this was a thread with the OP asking if her 14 year old child could go on holiday with their boy/girl friend or could bring them in hol so many replies would be a no, it's too young, too grown up etc.
So why is this different? Especially because they could already be having sex. Is it because the dad is also going?
I wouldn't want my DD's boyfriend coming on holiday with us at that age so I would cancel this one

I have never had any inclination to check my 15-year-old’s phone. She’s well behaved, intelligent and honest. I treat her with the same respect as she affords me. So please don’t try to cast aspersions on my parenting.

Some people are crazy here. Do you think anyone would prosecute two consenting 14 y olds having sex? Batshit crazy.

I do agree that they are too young; too emotionally immature to be having sex but it's positive they were using protection.

I probably wouldn't go on the holiday because it would be awkward. Do tell the father; he needs to know since they are having sex. You need to both talk to them and tell them they are too young but that they can be bf/gf without sex.