To cancel holiday with friend after what I found out?

[BrainyKraken]

My DS is 14 and I'm a single mum, I have a close friend and he has a DD the same age. Her mum passed away when she was younger so i’d like to think I'm a good female role model. The DC get along well and we go on holiday all together once or twice a year.

A few weeks ago in the wash there was a piece of condom wrapper that had been washed, I asked DS and straight away I got “it isn't mine” I told him it isn't mine either and it can't be the cats and he then admitted it was his but he wasn't having sex with anyone he got them from school in a sex ed class. I believed him and I think I still do

However the thing that changes things is I found out yesterday that he is dating my friends DD, I found out by accident when looking through his phone I saw messages come through which suggested they were more than friends and DS confirmed it. We had a holiday planned at easter with them and I've told DS we cant go now and he got quite annoyed and said this is why he didn't want me to know because now they won't be treated normally. He's told me not to tell her dad, I told him I feel like he should know especially as he will want to know to reason for cancelling

WWYD? Cancel? If so tell friend the truth or? Any advice appreciated

Why would you not go? BTW if they are having sex, cancelling the holiday will not stop them doing it.

At least if he is, he appears to be using contraception.

The issue is the phone -snooping you need to act as if you hadn’t
curiosity killed the cat
you can’t unlearn what you have found out I recommend that you don’t interfere further this doesn’t constitute enabling! Hopefully you have learned a valuable lesson
and preserving trust is the priority here!

Good for you checking your 14 yr olds phone. Nothing wrong with that, I'd stop at 16 though.
I wouldn't cancel the holiday, I would tell the girls dad, he is her dad after all.

Maybe the dad will decide to room with in with his dd if he has any concerns.

@BrainyKrakenThe cards need to be on the table and boundaries set and adhered to.
Respect them and they might even respect you back.
Have a great holiday!

Neither of them will be prosecuted.

They are the same age and there doesnt appear to be coercion or violence involved on either side. The authorities will not be interested and there will be no charges on either side.

https://www.brighton-hove.gov.uk/young-people-sex-and-law
"However, Home Office guidance is clear that there is no intention to prosecute teenagers under the age of 16 where both mutually agree and where they are of a similar age."

And yet if someone came on here wondering how in earth they missed their kid being coerced into sending nude photos or county lines, they would be torn apart for not checking their kids phone.

A phone under the age of 18 is a privilege not a right, and any decent parent will keep an eye on its use.

So is he!

You wont stop them having sex because you cancel the holiday.

However you need to impress on him the gravity, the reality that condoms can fail, that the law, rightly, says they are under age, that she at any time, could say she was forced. That life is long, he has plenty if time for sex, & that he & she will enjoy their relationship far more, by him respecting her as a person, rather than a quick fuck.

They are both 14, unless there were other relevant circumstances (coercion for example) they wouldn’t be prosecuted.

The condoms are a positive thing. I can understand why he lied, not condoning, but obviously an embarrassing and challenging situation.

I wouldn’t automatically cancel the holiday but obviously depends on how the discussions go,

Oh my god I wouldn't say, rather than a quick fuck. That's so degrading to both of them.

Wrong!!!! Ffs.......

Hmmm my dd refuses me access to her phone because her dad is a manipulative emotional bully interrogating her about my life.....

There's checking and there is snooping...... reading a teens messages is no different to reading their diary......

I understood that even if the male is also underage he will; be put on the sex offenders register.
I really can't remember the source so no need to shoot me down. But maybe someone could verify uk law.

It’s incredibly naive to think two 14 year-olds are not having sex. What else could he possibly be doing with a condom?

Be thankful it’s protected. You certainly can’t stop it - teenagers who want to have sex will always find a way.

Prosecuted for what? If it's sleeping with a minor then the girl surely could get procesuted as well.

YABU if you think a good female role model goes snooping on other people's phones.

What a load of rubbish, why do folk spread stuff like this they clearly know nothing about.

Boyfriends and girlfriends at 14 is perfectly normal - so I don't see any reason to cancel the holiday over it.

The sex part is less normal (although I'm not sure how much less normal for kids today, compared to my generation).

Personally I would be talking to the dad 100%, that is non-negotiable. But you can re-assure your son that he isn't in trouble, just that relationships should be in the open and not secret at this age from parents. (that is unless he is lying...)

Then I would chat with the dad about it, and hopefully you can both be on the same page. Personally I would be proposing thinking about the accommodation in set-up that makes sneaking about really hard. E.g. one of the kids shares a room with their parents, so you know whether at least 1 of them is at night.

That horse has bolted! They’re already having sex.

The dad should be told and both teens need some long, educational chats about respectful relationships, consent and contraception.

Not going away won’t change things as they’re already finding opportunities to be together. While I’d like to think that 14 year olds weren’t having sex at this age, a fair few do. So now it’s about how you handle things from here.

And you would tell the police that if you were questioned about how your child was taken advantage of?

But 14 is WAY too young to be having sex. And it's against the law, for a start.

OP, I think you’re out of order. Sorry, I do understand how difficult it can be to parent teens (been there!) and to know the right thing to do.
But you want him to be able to open up to you and tell you stuff. In his own time. And cancelling the holiday just proves to him that he shouldn’t.

I must be old-fashioned, but I'm just appalled that children as young as 14 are having sex. Figures show that the average age of first sex is 18 for women and 17 for boys. And that holds true for most countries in the world. 14 is therefore much younger than the average. What if the girl gets pregnant?

OP, this is a safeguarding issue and her dad absolutely needs to know.

This holiday should definitely be cancelled, and these two children need to stop. They need to know that it's unacceptable.

Yes, I know that some 14-year-olds do it. That doesn't make it OK. Having sex this young is a really, really, REALLY bad idea.

There are various negative outcomes associated with early sex, defined as 14 or younger. Not surprisingly, those consequences are mainly borne by girls, who are at significantly increased risk of major depression by sexual activity at this age.

Her parent deserves to know.

psychcentral.com/health/growing-up-too-fast-early-exposure-to-sex#cons-of-premature-sex

OP follow your instincts. At 14 they are still children. I woukd definitely cancel tge holiday. It’s just too dangerous and it’s yiur job as a parent to protect your son.

I agree with this. Also from OP’s point of view, it’s better he dates OP’s friend’s dd than a random girl.