To cancel holiday with friend after what I found out?

[BrainyKraken]

My DS is 14 and I'm a single mum, I have a close friend and he has a DD the same age. Her mum passed away when she was younger so i’d like to think I'm a good female role model. The DC get along well and we go on holiday all together once or twice a year.

A few weeks ago in the wash there was a piece of condom wrapper that had been washed, I asked DS and straight away I got “it isn't mine” I told him it isn't mine either and it can't be the cats and he then admitted it was his but he wasn't having sex with anyone he got them from school in a sex ed class. I believed him and I think I still do

However the thing that changes things is I found out yesterday that he is dating my friends DD, I found out by accident when looking through his phone I saw messages come through which suggested they were more than friends and DS confirmed it. We had a holiday planned at easter with them and I've told DS we cant go now and he got quite annoyed and said this is why he didn't want me to know because now they won't be treated normally. He's told me not to tell her dad, I told him I feel like he should know especially as he will want to know to reason for cancelling

WWYD? Cancel? If so tell friend the truth or? Any advice appreciated

What's the accommodation set-up @BrainyKraken A suite/condo with bedrooms or adjoining hotel rooms?

Regardless, why does the kids' relationship need to be a secret? Isn't it kind of sweet how it came to be? Why not tell your ds that, ask for details and share his happiness? Let him know other parent should know as well. Chat with the dad about it. Honestly, I can't see the problem, you all know each other really well, so it sounds like an ideal first love situation.
Make sure the kids have all the info they need and that you've had the talk with your son. 🤷‍♀️

Yes I looked it up since I posted, 13 and under is the prosecutable age.

OP's son and his GF are 14.

I'd be really upset if I found out my DC was having sex at that age...

But reading your post and my first thought was if they did have sex at least they were sensible in using a condom.

Your DS will have girlfriends so I'd let the relationship run, you know her so it's bound to feel a bit strange.

I don't think I'd cancel the holiday but I would let the girls dad know, he may already, but it would be with my DS knowledge that I did so.

The only problem I can see is if they split up in future how that will affect the friendship between you all.

Ha ha. Really wanting an update about how the dad of the 14 year old girl takes it.

Don't cancel the holiday. That feels really unfair and could backfire.

Gather your feelings, get to a calm place and then tell your friend, the dad. I don't think this is a big deal. If they desperately wanted to sleep together, they will find a way. So don't shoot yourself in the foot.

Have a good think about how you can keep an eye on things, rules, and some way to address the fear of sneaking into rooms. I'd plan it all with the dad friend, agree joint approach then both tell the kids together.

@BrainyKraken

I'd still go. When you say 'sharing accommodations' exactly what does that mean? 4 bedrooms? (Yours, Dad, DS, DD) each having a room? If you are that concerned you can have one of the DC sleep in with one of the parents. But I think all I'd do is tell them the bedroom doors were to be open at night for 'bed checks'.

This was waaaay back in the day, but when we went to the beach house my mother made 'the boys' (DB and his friend) sleep in their room on the floor lol. 'The girls' (me and my friend) shared a bedroom. Silly really, since I wasn't interested in DB's friend and my friend wasn't interested in either of them.

She's underage

You have no rock solid evidence that they are actually having sex

It'd be perfectly legal in Germany. I know this is the UK but I don't think it's a massive pearl clutcher as long as he doesn't get her pregnant.

OP, I wouldn’t cancel the holiday, but I absolutely would tell the Dad about the relationship between your DC. If you think they are having sex, maybe you need to talk to them about it - I agree with a previous poster that if it’s what they want to do, they will find a way. I do think it’s only fair, though, to tell the Dad about the relationship, so he can talk to his DD about it.

Yes, no hard evidence. 😁

You don’t just cancel a holiday and what ever you’re trying to prevent will happen anyway. Jesus Christ.

14 year olds are not emotionally mature enough to be having sex.

I’d probably talk to the other dad OP.

I would go. You can see what’s happening

I must admit I don’t ever check my child’s phone. But that’s you

also if he is having sec at least he’s having safe sex. I think it’s best to be open and discuss safe sex and make sure he’s using them correctly and explain the consequences etc.

This ^

And yet they do...

I think cancelling the holiday is an overreaction. They are the same age, friends and now in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. That's nice for them both.
Just keep an eye on them !

I would absolutely not go, you suspect they’re in a relationship, your child is the male underage one. It’s too much of a risk for your son, if they end up in a happy couple situation then they can establish that in the local Starbucks.

This place is mad sometimes. Of course it’s ok for the @BrainyKraken to keep an eye on her son’s phone: it’s responsible parenting.

And it is illegal and prosecutable to have sex with a child under 16. I’d be worried too.

I think I’d have to speak to the dad about my worries that they’re seeing each other and concerns about the holiday,

it’s not “sweet” as a pp said, they are far too young for any sort of sexual relationship, if that’s what is happening

The dad is a close friend, you should be able to discuss this. I might hold back my suspicions that they were at it. I'd just say "did you know that DS and DD were seeing each other? It's sweet isn't it? But we ought to keep more of an eye on them during the holiday"

When I was doing my A-levels, way back in the 1960s, one of my classmates had become a father at 14. His spare time was somewhat restricted - his parents had agreed with the girl's that he was to share looking after the child, so that he spent half his evenings/weekends babysitting.

I think you're being naive if you think they aren't having sex. That excuse about the condom wrapper just sounds like BS.

I'd tell him that the dad needs to know and you can then decide about the holiday once you discuss it with him.

Tell the Dad they're dating and see what he thinks. I'd be tempted to cancel unless one of you wants to be on guard duty all night!

So is he. So why wouldn't she be prosecuted?

There would be no prosecution, unless there was clear evidence of coercion or lack of consent.

So is he. Unless violence or coercion is involved neither is going to be prosecuted.