To cancel holiday with friend after what I found out?

[BrainyKraken]

My DS is 14 and I'm a single mum, I have a close friend and he has a DD the same age. Her mum passed away when she was younger so i’d like to think I'm a good female role model. The DC get along well and we go on holiday all together once or twice a year.

A few weeks ago in the wash there was a piece of condom wrapper that had been washed, I asked DS and straight away I got “it isn't mine” I told him it isn't mine either and it can't be the cats and he then admitted it was his but he wasn't having sex with anyone he got them from school in a sex ed class. I believed him and I think I still do

However the thing that changes things is I found out yesterday that he is dating my friends DD, I found out by accident when looking through his phone I saw messages come through which suggested they were more than friends and DS confirmed it. We had a holiday planned at easter with them and I've told DS we cant go now and he got quite annoyed and said this is why he didn't want me to know because now they won't be treated normally. He's told me not to tell her dad, I told him I feel like he should know especially as he will want to know to reason for cancelling

WWYD? Cancel? If so tell friend the truth or? Any advice appreciated

There's a small possibility that the condon wrapper came from sex education class at school...but I doubt it, it's more likely your son is having sex. I don't think it should be much of a surprise that your son and your friend's daughter, have developed feelings for each other, as time has gone by.

Your son hasn't felt that he could tell you about his relationship with your friend's daughter. He's been worried about your reaction, so he lied. Unfortunately, you've reacted in the way he suspected, so going forward he will make sure he hides issues even further. I doubt very much your friend is aware, that his daughter is in a relationship with your son either.

Your biggest issue here isn't the fact your son is dating, or who, it's the fact he's likely having underage sex and he felt unable to speak to you. A conversation regarding contraception, consent and the legal ramifications of having underage sex is required. You need to calm yourself down, knee-jerk reactions, will have your son refusing to open up to you and lying instead.

You need to tell your son, that as his Mum, you have a duty to tell your friend. You need to be fully transparent with your friend, and then you both make a decision regarding the holiday. Your friends priority is to make sure his daughter is using contraception, and have a similar conversation regarding consent.

In the kindest way possible OP if they want to have sex they will find a way as teenagers do. You going on holiday won't change that fact.

They are less likely to try and sneak past two sets of parents then at home with 1 about!

Just be sensible with room options so they aren't in 2 rooms directly next to each other.

I think you should go on holiday.
Have an open conversation with your son about being safe and protecting himself and his girlfriend and your expectations on holiday. Ideally you want to be a calm, approachable parent so that your son knows he can talk to you in the future but even if you are, he may not open up to you and tell some fibs out of embarrassment which is very natural at this age. If he is having sex then at least he's being sensible and using condoms. Its a shock when you find out something like this but lots of teenagers have underage sex and always will. From your perspective Its not a terrible scenario for a first gf because at least you know both her and her Dad well and have obviously approved of your son's friendship with her. At this age I think that's a big positive.

I would give his Gf a chance to tell her Dad herself ( tell your son she's got 24hrs ) then tell her Dad about their relationship if she doesn't.

It’s perfectly normal for teens not to tell their parents everything.

So what if your son gets angry. He is a kid. Your role is to protect him and try to prevent him making huge mistakes, in any way you see fit.

There is so much lazy opt out of parenting nonsense on this thread.

Surely it’s better he has a GF that you know. Still go on the holiday but set the ground rules.

Yanbu. Unless you’re going to lock them in their rooms at night (obviously you wouldn’t) then there’s no way you can keep an eye on them 24/7 so I think a holiday together is too much risk.
People wouldn’t let a 14 year old boyfriend/girlfriend sleep over at each other’s houses and going on holiday together is essentially the same thing - temptation and opportunity night after night.

I think it's great that you are going through his phone OP, and trying to make sure he is safe. I know a lot of mums who do this, and i think this is what responsible parenting is.

I would tell your ds to let his gf know that she had until this Sunday to tell her dad about their relationship, if not, you're going to tell her dad yourself. The dad can't be the only one kept in the dark about this, that'd be very unfair on him. He'd also feel that you have betrayed his trust. I think the children are having sex or are planning to, which is not on, and he is lying to you. If he was genuine, he wouldnt have denied the condom was his, in the first instance. This is all sorts of wrong, and needs to be nipped in the bud by both parents, together. Both their futures will take a downwards trajectory, if they are allowed to (literally) fuck around at 14. A good role model will not allow this. And the dad, as a single parent, especially, needs to know, so he can keep an eye on his daughter, and make sure he doesnt have a teenage pregnancy on his hands. Don't let your DS pull wool over your eyes. I think, both adults need to discuss together what to do with the holiday plans. I don't think it's going to be a very relaxing holiday, now that their relationship has come to light.

As long as your not going on holiday where underage sex between kids will land them I. Jail.

It parenting, not babysitting

For a moment lets assume that they in fact aren't having sex. Is there any reason they shouldn't be going out together and why didn't they feel able to tell their parents this? Obviously if they are that complicates things but I get the impression you wouldn't be happy with this relationship even if they weren't.

I would say to tackle this before you get there. Nothing worse than a big show down on holiday which might spoil everyone's relationship.

Then, at least you can go away having set boundaries. Involve the girl's father of course.

I can’t believe some of the responses on this thread. They are 14, not 16 or 17, 14! The girls DF needs to know, not least because if the condoms didn’t work the DP of the girl always ends up doing the heavy lifting with any future baby. It’s hardly sweet when it could result in a 14 year old having an abortion. Tell the DF all the facts that you know and make a decision together about the holiday.

So is he.

Fed up with posts like this that make up the laws regarding teen sex to what they want them to be not what they are.

I don't see why the holiday needs to be cancelled, why is sex more likely then than any other time when you are not around?

Are they year 9 or year 10 ?

If you consider yourself a good female role model, you should be engineering a, no pressure, chat with the girl. However this is a lot of pressure because if one wants to split, they may not, because of the adult friendship fall out. You need to make it clear to both of them that no sides will be taken. Then talk it over with her father and decide if it makes a difference to the holiday. Let's not pretend that some Dads deal with their daughter's sex lives on a completely different level to their son's, so perhaps don't mention the condom to her father, but discuss it with her. She doesn't need shaming, don't assume you know how her Dad will view this.

Yes, it is illegal. They are both under 16.

There's a difference between having an agreement about checking his phone usage and snooping personal messages.

If they are already having sex then you haven't been able to supervise them 24/7 at home either so a holiday doesn't make much difference!

If you believe him and they aren't having sex but just a normal teenage bf/ gf situation then 'punishing' them and cancelling a holiday seems very unfair.

I would prioritise your relationship with your son so he feels like he can tell you things and not hide them (because he thinks you'll over react!)

Honestly, they will find a way if they are determined, you'll just force them into lying, deleting messages and having sex in unsavoury places!

Of course you would.

OP is a good mother - so the holiday won’t be happening

They're 14, they might have split up by the time your holiday comes! These things fizzle out quite quickly, usually. Then it's going to be more awkward because they are exes 🙈

I wouldn't cancel the holiday. This is all normal teenage curiosity. And I agree with pp, the more you try to stop it the more attractive it becomes to them

So is he. This is generally not considered a prosecutable offence if the teenagers are the same age, it's if, say, a 17 year old is having sex with someone considerably younger.

It's not generally considered a prosecutable offence when they are both of similar age, the legal ramifications kick in if one is say 17 and the other is significantly younger

I can understand why this feels awkward, especially with the holiday planned. But if the kids already get along and you normally holiday together, cancelling might create more drama than necessary. I’d focus on open conversations about relationships and safety rather than punishing them for liking each other.

He’s lied to you because he knows you overreact. If you want your son to be open and honest with you you need to accept this is a normal part of growing up, he’s kept it from you and told you why and only you can change your reactions. Keeping secrets is never good and he doesn’t feel like he can confide in you that would be my biggest worry at his age, go on holiday but make sure they aren’t really alone and talk to him about safe sex, consent and appropriate age

Someone underage is incapable of giving consent.

I agree. With you.

There is an age of consent for a reason