To cancel holiday with friend after what I found out?

[BrainyKraken]

My DS is 14 and I'm a single mum, I have a close friend and he has a DD the same age. Her mum passed away when she was younger so i’d like to think I'm a good female role model. The DC get along well and we go on holiday all together once or twice a year.

A few weeks ago in the wash there was a piece of condom wrapper that had been washed, I asked DS and straight away I got “it isn't mine” I told him it isn't mine either and it can't be the cats and he then admitted it was his but he wasn't having sex with anyone he got them from school in a sex ed class. I believed him and I think I still do

However the thing that changes things is I found out yesterday that he is dating my friends DD, I found out by accident when looking through his phone I saw messages come through which suggested they were more than friends and DS confirmed it. We had a holiday planned at easter with them and I've told DS we cant go now and he got quite annoyed and said this is why he didn't want me to know because now they won't be treated normally. He's told me not to tell her dad, I told him I feel like he should know especially as he will want to know to reason for cancelling

WWYD? Cancel? If so tell friend the truth or? Any advice appreciated

You should talk to your friend and both decide what you want to do about it.

How and why would they end up on the SOR?

I wish the age of consent in America was in triple integers. The world would be a better place.

Chaperoning them? Don't you think the first thing is to find out for sure

They wouldn't end up on a SOR register. Both minors both consenting if they are having sex

I think you can either keep his confidence about the dating and cancel the holiday or you need to be upfront with the other parent.

You can't unilaterally decide its fine to take 2x 14 year olds who are dating on holiday together and pretend you don't know to the other parent.

They can't make a grown up decision about handling it because they are 14 and don't see it like an adult.

I cannot even put into words how furious I would be to go on that holiday as the other parent and find out you knew and deliberately kept me on the dark.

Read up on it for yourself

Some of these responses are crazy.

No 14 year old is going to prison for a relationship with another 14 year old.

The law is there to protect children from abuse or exploitation. It is not designed to unnecessarily criminalise children. Guidance across the UK makes it clear that sexual activity between children who are close in age and understanding should not automatically result in prosecution. Instead, a range of factors should be considered to determine whether it would be in the public interest. E.g violence or coercion.

I would not want my 14 yo having sex because of the risks it carries, nothing to do with the law!

Equally I fully understand that teenagers are starting to get "urges" for lack of a better term. It would be great if we could encourage them to explore it safely and not make it a shameful "YOU DID A BAD THING" conversation. However I fear I would pull a Violet Bridgerton and not be able to get a word out.

I want my children to grow in to happy healthy adults with happy healthy attitudes to sex, and that is going to start at puberty

Welcome — Teen Health 11 - 19 Service teen health has lots of practical non judgemental non-pearl clutchy advice for teens, I would suggest you and your son have a look at it together if possible. Go over why sex is risky as well as some of nicer things about sex, and why perhaps being a bit older makes more sense. Snogging is just as fun at that age!

I assume on Tik Tok where all the other bullshit is.

There is no way they would end up on the SOR, why makes such stuff up?

@MyDeftDuck the guidance across all of the UK is clear - sexual activity between children who are close in age and understanding should not automatically result in prosecution. Crown Prosecution Service (CPS), 2021

Do feel free to actually read up on it yourself.

Mad how times have changed... 40 now but at 14 I was having sex with my 17 year old boyfriend and clubbing at least twice a week. My mum however knew about all of it because I was honest (and she couldn't really stop me when she did the same as it was my own money) - if she hadn't 'permitted' it I would have found a way to do it anyway and then our relationship would probably have become incredibly damaged.

I have the law exits to protect underage teens from adults
Its not in the public interest to prosecute two 14 year olds for having consensual sex with each other

You should tell her dad.
I'd still go on the holiday.

On holiday, realistically you should be supervising them. I wouldn’t leave my 14 year old unattended in a foreign country while I, say, went to the pub. We’d be doing this as a family and sharing a room and I’d notice if mine went missing. You use the term ‘friend’ but are you and the dad proper friends or are you euphemistically using the term? Unless you and dad are sneaking off to shag on holiday and using the kids as entertainment for each other, none of this should be a worry.

As a friend though, yes, I’d tell him what your ds told you. I wouldn’t go into detail about the condom because you truly don’t know if that means anything (my dd did the condom and banana thing in school the other week so really could be he’s embarrassed but being honest). The greatest risk is that they will break up before the holiday and then it will be a lot of drama and grumpiness the whole time.

Go on the holiday

Realistically, it is more likely the father who decides to cancel the holiday. Its his daughter who will have the potential knock on problems.
& there is no way you can go on this holiday without the father knowing his daughter may get pregnant by your son, & you knew.

Well you said the other parent is a close friend so just be straight about what you found then the decision is mutual. If you don't go they'll understand why and if you do you'll both keep a close eye. Consequences of actions for the kiddos.

Double post in error

I don't think you should cancel without at least speaking to your friend first. Would you like someone to cancel a holiday you were going on without even speaking to you first?

BrainyKraken
Go on the holiday
You've more than likely really earned it
But
Have eyes in the back of your head!

It’s understandable to feel concerned, but cancelling the holiday might make the situation feel more dramatic than it needs to be. At 14, it’s quite normal for teens to start dating, and since they already get along well, it may be better to keep things as normal as possible while setting clear boundaries and having open conversations about relationships, respect, and safety. Rather than hiding it, it might be wise to gently mention it to your friend so you’re both on the same page as parents, but in a calm way that doesn’t make the teens feel they’ve done something wrong for simply liking each other.

The holiday is a side issue, you need to discuss this with her dad given that they’re both minors. Mortifying for them both, but necessary.

Then see how her dad feels about setting boundaries, going on holiday together.

Wow you’re fighting really hard to justify why it’s ok for 2 kids of 14yrs to be having sex
Each generation endorse different values, however, people are the same with similar feelings.

I'm in my 50s and having sex at 14 in my generation was considered young but not rare. They were usually the kids who were the most mature. My best friend was just turned 15 when she had sex with her boyfriend. It was completely consensual and they knew what they were doing. She went to her gp and asked for the pill. They seemed soooooo grown up to me! No trauma at all. They were together for 3 years. Their parents were middle class caring parents. She didn't get pregnant, they separated when they went to different uni. Both had new relationships, married and happy.

So why are things so different nowadays and All kids assumed to be way too young to emotionally cope with having sex?

A sample of 1 isn’t really enough. And 15 is a whole extra year of life. I grew up in London and loads of young teens were having sex around me. Some were mature enough to cope some weren’t. While it all seemed fine at the time, I learned the consequences of early sexual activity from experience. Older and wiser I now see the drawbacks of sex at that age. So my advice to my kids is very different to the advice I gave my friends at the time.

Sex doesn’t exist in a vacuum, it brings with it emotions that can be a lot to handle at that age, and kids need support and guidance to deal with them as well as optimal info on contraception as opposed to teen myths from the bike sheds.

A sample of 1 isn’t really enough
Of course it isn't, but posters are making generalisations here without enquiring on the maturity of these two teenagers, so it goes both ways.

And 15 is a whole extra year of life
Or just one day 😁

Sex doesn’t exist in a vacuum, it brings with it emotions that can be a lot to handle at that age, and kids need support and guidance to deal with them as well as optimal info on contraception as opposed to teen myths from the bike sheds
Hence much better parenting to build a trusting relationship with their parent so they feel they can be open up to them about it rather than making them feel terrible and secretive about their choices.