To cancel holiday with friend after what I found out?

[BrainyKraken]

My DS is 14 and I'm a single mum, I have a close friend and he has a DD the same age. Her mum passed away when she was younger so i’d like to think I'm a good female role model. The DC get along well and we go on holiday all together once or twice a year.

A few weeks ago in the wash there was a piece of condom wrapper that had been washed, I asked DS and straight away I got “it isn't mine” I told him it isn't mine either and it can't be the cats and he then admitted it was his but he wasn't having sex with anyone he got them from school in a sex ed class. I believed him and I think I still do

However the thing that changes things is I found out yesterday that he is dating my friends DD, I found out by accident when looking through his phone I saw messages come through which suggested they were more than friends and DS confirmed it. We had a holiday planned at easter with them and I've told DS we cant go now and he got quite annoyed and said this is why he didn't want me to know because now they won't be treated normally. He's told me not to tell her dad, I told him I feel like he should know especially as he will want to know to reason for cancelling

WWYD? Cancel? If so tell friend the truth or? Any advice appreciated

I just wanted to add, that if in the unlikely event they are having sex, I highly highly doubt they would even attempt anything at all if both of their parents were in the rooms next door/same hotel room space/ same villa which anyone could walk in to at any time etc. it’s such a huge risk. Teenagers do it when parents are at work etc. They’d have to be seriously ballsy to do that on a holiday with you in a shared hotel / villa space. So what I’m trying to say is, in the grand scheme of things the holiday isn’t really a problem. If they are having sex that’s just a separate problem in itself to work through in a calm conversation

Exactly this

I think you need to convince your dc to let you tell your friend though. Even if you leave out the (potential) sex part. That means he can keep an eye his end

dating is not something they need to keep secretive. The having sex thing, if they are, is separate

@Forestgreenblue
You seem a bit overly involved, so there’s going to be an announcement? Right mum We’re off for the weekend to have sex for the first time can you buy me condoms?
it’s all a bit weird and controlling.

Would I tell the other parent? Absolutely, especially so as you have such a good relationship

Would I cancel the holiday? Definitely not, all that does is reinforce to your son that he cant tell you things without a negative reaction. What do you think his next move will be? Hiding things even more.

At their age short of locking them in the house outside of school hours you are not going to be able to stop them from having sex if they are determined to (and stopping them once they have started is a hell of a lot harder than stopping them before it starts).

I would be focused on stressing to my son the seriousness of this, making sure he is aware of the potential (but very unlikely) legal consequences, but making sure that he felt like he didn't need to hide things from me.

Ultimately if they want to do it you are not going to stop them, as much as you want to and wish you could you wont be able to. So making sure they are protected as much as possible and being given the opportunity to tell you anything is key.

Way to push your teenage kid away. No wonder he wasn't honest with you.

Go on the holiday. It's a completely OTT reaction to cancel.

I think that trying to ban or stop something someone in intent on doing is always difficult. It only sets up barriers between people and leads to anger and resentment and, ultimately, to a breakdown in trust. It is misguided to think that laying down the law and trying to keep them apart will stop them, it will only make them get better at hiding things from you.
Now obviously it might not be an ideal situation (though, as you say you don’t know they’re having sex - though clearly sex is something your son is at least thinking about, which is natural at that age), but the way forward here is to talk. To be understanding and to sympathise and to talk about the risks and the fears, and also the excitement of being in a relationship. He’s going to be feeling a whole mix of emotions and you need to allow him time to feel them. And happiness is one. After all teenage ‘love’ is thrilling and (taking the sex out of it), rather lovely! Coming down like a ton of bricks on the relationship is going to shatter him and push him away and into secrecy.
I remember at 15 or so getting into cigarettes and dope and rock music, and thinking how interesting LSD and coke sounded. My parents were divorced and my mum discovered I was smoking and called my father over and she went ballistic. My father was more measured about it. He pointed out that trying to stop me wouldn’t work - I’d do it anyway but try and be more sneaky - but that smoking was bad for you and expensive. But hey ho really. I then went back with him for the weekend and in the car he said, ‘it’s not just cigarettes is it?’ And I said that I was smoking joints too. He said that, as I knew, when he was young he was a hippie and had done all the drugs. So he can’t very easily stop me. But he could warn me about how dangerous they can be and how dangerous buying them can be. And he’d just like me to be open with him. And that if I ever wanted to try the other things that I should do it first with him. I never really got into drugs after that, because it suddenly took away the appeal of it being naughty and illicit. Dabbled a little but friends who’s parents saw it all as awful and not to be spoken of, did far more and under far more dangerous circumstances.
My point is that being open allows openness. Closing down only creates barriers.

Regardless of how you found out, who knows etc, I think you need to tread very carefully here.

The thing is, is how you react now could push both your ds and your friends dd away which, if you're finding condom wrappers, is not the time for distance!

Yes. They're young to be having sex however, if they want to do it, they're going to do it with or without you knowing. When it comes to sex, it is always in everyones best interests to keep communication channels open and free. If your ds thinks you're angry about it and trying to stop their relationship, you won't know anything else ever again. And they will make sure of it, and you will have a degree of closed communication for life.

I absolutely wouldn't cancel the holiday. You're forcing them to be apart which will make them want to be with each other more - they're teenagers at the end of the day. Organise things as a group and watch them, see how they interact and see what you can gauge. Have a chat to them both separately - do they need advice? Are they both consenting? Make sure they're aware they have their whole lives to have sex, and they don't have to do it now but if they do decide to, then you will be able to ensure they're being safe.

You can stop anything you want to stop, but be prepared for a breakdown in your relationship with your ds if you enforce it. Guidance, understanding, teaching, listening and communication is paramount here.

I would speak to DS and tell him to ask gf to tell her dad’s. Speak to dad and decide what to do re holiday. The likelihood is )given the condom) is they are having sex. I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing the holiday either.

Two 14 year olds having sex is obviously not OK.

However, can you not talk to your son? Is there so little trust between you that your only option is to cancel your holiday? He's said they are not having sex. Do you believe he is lying to you?

Cancelling the holiday is not going to stop them seeing each other and I imagine it will cause a huge amount of resentment towards you by your son and his GF. It will push them closer together and him further away from you, which is far from ideal for your ongoing relationship and trust.

I'd have a proper discussion with him. Explain that sex under 16 is illegal and must not happen. Say you will still be going on holiday but if you aren't happy about how he and his GF are behaving you will both have to leave.

Your son needs to feel able to talk to you and you not over reacting if you want any chance of a good mother/son relationship going forward.

Glad it's not just me thinking this - everyone going wild like it doesn't happen every single day!!

I agree that 14 is too young but I also think that if you want kids who can talk to you about this stuff, you don't go in guns blazing, banning this and that and talking about fucking prosecution!!

Teenagers lie on instinct sometimes - about stuff that is blatantly obvious to everyone! They don't do it maliciously (with the obvious exceptions of if this is a behaviour pattern for them but that's a different situation) - they just panic and it pops out! Mine will tell me they haven't eaten something whilst chewing the damn thing so you have to take some of the "lying" with a pinch of salt. You blow up at them for everything and they just stop telling you about stuff full stop.

I would be disappointed with the underage sex but I would also be glad they have used protection

But we don't know they are having sex? That totally changes things if they are. If they are not and are innocent young people falling in love you will ruin it and damage relationships with parents. Find out first for sure if they are. The school can confirm if the condom was handed out. Your friend can talk to her DD. I wouldn't make assumptions, teen relationships can be a positive and healthy thing and sometimes parents dirty minds can taint it.

I think go and see how it goes. Set some house rules. If they have sex they’ll be doing it anyway. At least you know there’ll be safe if he’s got protection.

if you anger them they’ll still do it.

nothing wrong with looking at phones with consent btw.
like you say - some people get shouted at on here for not being aware. You can’t win.

have a nice holiday!

I agree.
It shouldn't need to be a secret that they are dating, and her parent should also be informed.
But cancelling the holiday is definitely overreacting. All that will happen is that he won't tell you as much as he did before.
And, as is quite clear, if they want to have sex, they will. It doesn't matter whether it's illegal at that age, it won't stop them if they're determined. Both your son and your friends DD need to be fully aware of issues of consent and of safe sex.
You may not like it but it'll certainly be better than suddenly discovering you're about to be a grandmother.

I would discuss with the dad (with your son's knowledge), but still go on holiday together. Don't come down hard on them - they are working it all out right now. Going on holiday together could be an ideal time to have lots of measured and mature conversations as to why it is a good idea to wait a few years.

You stated:

"I found out by accident when looking through his phone".

Sex Ed encourages young people to become familiar with condoms long before they use them / need them for having sex.

Do the holiday - but the Dad definitely need sot know that they are dating.

Obviously have the 'too young' conversation - but the holiday or otherwise will hardly prevent sex if they are well supervised.

Then chaperone, don't make a big deal of the relationship.

You can't chaperone 14 yr olds; we're not living in the Victorian ages, Miss Bennett...

@BrainyKraken I think you need to tread very carefully here. Sit down with your son and explain to him that dating is fine, it was the hiding it that worried you although you can understand, its all new and can be embarrassing to tell the parents. But the difference is that you found a condom in his wash and that concerns you as they are both only 14 and there is more at risk for the girl than him. Ask him to be honest, say you could ask the school if they have given them out.

And I would like to say here that if sex is going to happen, its going to happen and the harder you push against it the more out of the loop you will be. You need to manage this in a healthy way that keeps the lines of communication open.

Two 14‑year‑olds having sex with each other is illegal in the UK, but police rarely prosecute in situations where the relationship is genuinely consensual, equal, and there is no evidence of exploitation, coercion, or harm. The law and the way it is applied are not the same thing, so it helps to separate them.

I'm assuming you like the girl and you know she comes from a decent family. So its the age that is the issue?

I think you should not betray their trust but encourage them to speak to the other parent BEFORE the holiday, which I do not think you should cancel. You can't stop this relationship, but by isolating them, you can push them closer together.

I don't envy you, but retaining your childs trust is the only way forward here.

He could be prosecuted

What for?
If they're having consensual sex there is no reason for him to be prosecuted.

Very unlikely that he'll be prosecuted but could be raised as a safeguarding concern due to their ages

What legal ramifications?

Well, I've never been in this position as I know all the DC didn't become sexually active until around 17 years old. Fourteen is quite young but your DS and friends DD have been friends a long time and assuming your son has been brought up to respect girls/women there is not a massive power imbalance here. This sounds like a very sweet and caring way for two young people to become sexually active. The alternatives could honestly be so much worse. If you don't talk to your DS about this in a compassionate way you are in danger of making him feel ashamed of natural feelings and spoiling your relationship with him. Your friend does need to know so that he can talk to his DD and make sure she is not feeling pressurised, is protected etc. Hopefully, he can also do this in a sensitive, compassionate way. I'm not saying you should actively encourage them to be having sex. It's worth having a conversation about slowing down and waiting but going in like a bulldozer on this will probably drive them together. Go on holiday, don't let them share a room and treat them normally.

I really wonder sometimes!

Don't be so utterly ridiculous. Guidance from the Crown Prosecution Service explicitly states that the purpose of the Sexual Offences Act 2002 is to protect children, not punish them them unnecessarily or for the criminal law to intervene where inappropriate. Consensual sex between two teenagers would not normally require criminal proceedings in the absence of aggravating features.

On the basis that OP's son and her friend's daughter are both 14, there is no way either of them would be prosecuted for having a sexual relationship with one another, assuming that there aren't any factors like an intellectual disability affecting either child's ability to consent at play. Presumably OP would have mentioned if that were the case.

People speak with such certainty on matters they absolutely do not understand. It is a very odd form of misplaced confidence.

OP - all of this being said, while your son is at no risk of prosecution, there is a clear safeguarding element to two 14 year olds having sex (and I think it's likely they are, given the condom and the fact that he lied about it).

I think you need to try and have an honest discussion with your son here. It can be hard to put the genie back in the bottle if they are already having sex, but if you have a good relationship can you try and convince him that they have all the time in the world for sex when they're older. but at their age there can be significant emotional ramifications. Moreover, there is the very real risk of teen pregnancy, and no contraceptive method is 100% effective.

But do reiterate that while you would prefer they did not continue having sex, the most important thing is that if they do, they must continue to use protection every single time, because preventing STIs and unwanted pregnancy must be the most important goal.

Why cancel the holiday?

Have the conversation with both children…….emphasise that they’re too young to be having sex, protected or otherwise and could actually find themselves on the SOR if things escalate from what I’ve read.

They are teenagers and they are maturing , your best course of action is to chaperone whenever you feel there’s potential for them to be intimate. And make sure that they both understand the importance of having respect for another person.