Yet another absent father blaming 'the system'

[ScarlettSarah]

I'm tired of hearing it. That poor child. It's heartbreaking.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c9v079zpmvmo

Yes, the dad was working away, but he knew perfectly well things weren't right with his estranged ex-partner, and I struggle to believe he couldn't have done more in this situation. As if a woman would be working away in those circumstances.

AIBU to be sick of hearing this sort of stuff from men, who are held to such low standards in parenthood? The other classic examples I can think of is when a child dies in the custody of its mother (and sometimes a stepdad) and the biodad is looking sad all over the news while when you dig deeper, you realise most of the time he wasn't doing what he should have done as a dad.

I don’t know the full details of this case but I think both things can be true - he can be a shit father and the system also failed his son.

That has reminded me that I saw something yesterday about people going on some sort of register like the sex offenders' register if they neglect their child.

Does that mean if the mother neglects her child (eg going clubbing and leaving her baby in a cot at home) that the absent father will go on the register too?

He worked abroad and visited when he could until the mum refused contact

Was he “working away”? The article says the mother moved away from where they’d lived previously. It also says the father contacted the school and social services for years, and was never allowed into the mother’s house because she threatened to call the police.

I mean, I don’t know him, he might be awful, and she may have had good reason to threaten him with the police. But it doesn’t sound like he moved away and then did absolutely nothing.

But the mother was the one who relocated to Scotland? It looks like the father lives/lived in England. I'm no defender of useless absent fathers but I also don't think they should be expected to uproot to a different country every time their ex does.

I would have thought that being an absent father should automatically put someone on the register. It's automatically neglect. Probably won't work like that though because... misogyny.

If they are co-parenting properly and she neglects the child on her time and there's no reasonable way he could know or do anything about it then... no, that wouldn't seem fair.

I think the guy in the article knew all was not well. And he was very absent.

He was, it says he was working abroad for long periods.

He contacted the son’s school and social services multiple times throughout 2023 and 2024 it says, with the police only doing a welfare check in 20205. I’m not sure why you think “he knew perfectly well things weren’t right” as some sort of gotcha, he was quite clearly taking many steps.
It also states he turned up to the home after several visits with his son had been cancelled and the woman threatened to call the police.

@ScarlettSarah So what do you think he should have done ? He would have had to involve social services anyway who did fail the child. I don’t think you’ve read the article properly

Yes, if this is true then the first poster is correct in that both things can be true.

Right but that’s not why he wasn’t around while this was going on. He wasn’t around because she moved to Scotland. Like a PP said, I’m happy to blame a shit dad but I wouldn’t expect him to follow her if she moved far away.

I think his guilt shines through in his words. He knows he let his son down. Poor boy.

Well, for starters I am quite curious about why he was happy to work long periods abroad and leave the parenting to someone who'd had a known alcohol problem. I think he should have considering remaining in the UK and applying for main/sole custody tbh. Or at least... some kind of custody?!

So what should he have done differently

Did noone read the article? He was in the army. You work where you are sent and you can't just leave because it's no longer convenient.

It also states “When Leo's mother Lauren relocated to Perthshire in January 2022 for a fresh start after struggling with alcohol addiction, William supported the move.”

By 2023 he was making what sounds like fairly regular calls to both the child’s school and social services. I’m not sure you can particularly call that absent.

Some won't read past the fact he has a penis and is therefore completely in the wrong.

A medic in the army - are you classifying all Forces parents as absent just because they split from the other parent and may get deployed abroad?

I‘d condemn any absent and neglectful fathers but I am not convinced in this case.

He can’t just quit his job in the army, you agree to lengthy minimum terms. It’s not like a civilian job.
He then would not be able to petition the court for full custody with no job and no income.

Absolutely 💯

I am aware of that. You give a year's notice. The situation had been unfolding for many years, though.

"Alcoholic woman moves away with child, puts obstacle after obstacle in the way of child's father to avoid him discovering the truth, lives in squalor and ultimately dies. Hmm. Let's find a way to blame a man!"

FFS.

He did try to visit. The article reads:

'He said he tried to make contact with Leo's mother but she always made excuses for him not to visit.

"Every time I tried to arrange to meet my son there were excuses coming up, claiming he was not well or he had a dentist appointment," William said.

"But I would keep booking trains to visit, doing anything I could to see my son right up to her death."

William said he had travelled from Lancashire to Perthshire on many occasions but never got into the house.

"I tried to access the house but she would say no and then threaten to contact the police so I put my trust in the authorities," he said.'

And what do you do if the mother is not engaging with you. Call social services. He did and they were useless.

I think it probably would have been the more responsible choice to give notice and leave the forces to seek employment closer to home and to parent his child, rather than leave him with his mother who was known to have alcohol issues.