Is this illegal?

[CarlStoleMyUnderpants]

Discovered someone is cheating on his wife and have contacted two of his siblings to tell them so they can surreptitiously investigate and look out for the wife. I can't prove it as it would be hearsay, but I hoped they'd try and look at his devices or keep an ear out to gain evidence. Have I gone too far? I absolutely know this is happening.

Don't do that either - keep your nose out!

It is also very telling that you refer to your friend as "the affair partner". You don't care about the wife. She means zero to you - and if you have seen evidence that this is going on - how? You found out less than two months ago

It's your friends life you are trying to ruin. At least be honest. You don't know the wife and you aren't invested in her in any way. You know your actions are going to cause a whole lot of crap for several people

Telling his family is just obscene. More so if you did it anon

You had no right to drag them into this mess

You won't have a friendship any more. Because of your actions. Irrespective of what she is doing you took it upon yourself to drag his family into it - to snoop when you already know what's going on

If you were determined to challenge someone - it should have been him - or you should have told his wife.

But you've contacted his family - who have zero to do with any of this. Asking them to spy on him - when you already know he's having an affair - cowardly. That's what this is. Your actions are cowardly

You have an awful lot to say on this. Has it upset you personally?

Your point caller? Well yeah as I explained earlier my uncle killed himself after being told that his wife was having an affair when she wasn't.

Aside from that you're not the mumsnet police and it's not up to you to tell me how often I can post

If you don't like my posts - with respect. Scroll on

Nobody's saying they don't like your posts or being the Mumsnet Police, or telling you how often to post either. It was an observation. That's all.

Not cause drama but inform other family and that's causing drama because firstly you don't know they have an open marriage or not which is very common now and second if they did have an open marriage but between themselves you've now let family know about it which was none of your business, wow!

Open marriages are very common? Really? Where's the evidence and stats on that?

It is not "telling". I simply did not start off by saying it was a friend of mine. I disclosed that information, that it is a (looking like former) friend when I was asked how I knew for sure it was actually true. I'm very sorry about what happened in your own family, but please don't project and say what you feel you know about me and what I think and that I am trying to ruin my friend's life - how would you know that? Why on earth would I want to do that? Why do you think I am not being honest? How do you know me well enough to make that call?

And no I did not do it anonymously. You also don't know if I am invested in the wife or not, because I haven't disclosed how I know her and the more information I am asked, the more it will be outing, so I'm not going to give more info than has been necessary.

You are also not privy to the conversation I have subsequently had with this man's sister, which has disclosed a lot about his behaviour and why she doesn't keep in touch with him. Let's just say he's got form.

Again, I am very sorry for your own loss but kindly, this situation is not the same.

Why did you go to HIS family and not the wife’s if you wanted - as you say - someone who would look out for the wife?

I've explained that a few posts up.

You want them to batter the shit out of him, basically is what you’ve said. It makes no sense. If you wanted someone to look out for her - the people to do that are her family, not his

I said "knock some sense into him" I think. I didn't mean that literally for heaven's sake!

Well what did you mean?

And my point still stands - the people to look out for HER are her family, not his.

'Knock some sense into him' is a standard figure of speech for a reality check, which most people realise. Strange that you would take that literally. My concern isn't about physical confrontation. It's about the fact that he is repeatedly deceiving his wife, which is the real harm being done here.

I’m autistic. I take things literally it goes with the disability.

you’re still avoiding answering why you didn’t go to the wife’s family.

I'm not avoiding anything. I have answered this, twice, in the thread. Have a look and you will find it.

I’ve looked and I can’t see it.

I can see reasons why you’ve gone to his siblings (to knock some sense into HIM) but I can’t see where you’ve said why you haven’t gone to her family.

Would you mind linking the post?

So he has "form", maybe his wife knows and doesn't care. Have you achieved anything by talking to his sister. What was the point in getting involved.

I honestly can't get over the time and energy you're putting into getting the outcome you want in order to satisfy your righteous indignation OP. It's like you're hell bent on ensuring he gets what you consider to be a suitable punishment for his behaviour. The more you write, the more you sound like a morally righteous dog with a bone and less like someone with genuine concerns for another human being's welfare.

I am not justifying the behaviour in any of the parties involved in the affair, but frankly if you tried to haul me into my brother's personal affairs (literally), you'd get short shrift because it's not his siblings' responsibility to manage his behaviour or put themselves into a shitshow of a situation because your moral outrage won't allow you to stay out of others people's business.

You haven’t, actually. You’ve said why you didn’t go directly to the wife, but not why you didn’t go to her family members instead of his.

Thank you. I have read and re-read the op’s posts and honestly thought I had missed it due to my Audhd.

None of this explains why you decided to involve yourself in the first place. You said at one point that you know the wife vaguely or in passing - why is it so important to you that the wife finds out what her husband is doing?

What do you think the fall out is going to be when the wife finds out (assuming she doesn't know already). The fall out for their kids if they have any. It is also conceivable that this might push your friend and this man closer together and they decide to stay together.

Look OP I can see why you would have considered doing something like this, it’s one of those things you sit and think about but don’t actually do it. You know you’ve acted wrongly which is why you’ve been stewing on whether your contact was lawful (you’ve been concerned with the malicious communications Act. Deep down you must feel you’ve been malicious or why would you consider the legislation)
In future the wife could find out that her SIL and BIL sat on information she would rather have known. Or one of them could give her the info she would rather not have known. Either way it has the potential to ruin the relationships between her kids and their aunt, uncle and cousins. You’ve put the family members in an impossible position. I appreciate you didn’t consider all the possible ramifications when you had your ‘knee jerk reaction’.
Now you know better, please consider deleting the messages before they are read/ reach out one more time to say you are sorry and think you got the wrong person.