Dh always miserable on birthday

[Blackeyedsun]

It was his birthday yesterday, Dd and I made a cake based on his favourite chocolate bar, blew up balloons, cards-handmade and bought, a couple of small gifts-not expensive as we are going away and don’t go over the top for each other. We blew some balloons up, Dd is little and loves the planning and excitement of it. We had his cake and coffee ready in the morning and were singing to him before work and he looked quite miserable, it was just quiet and awkward and an anti climax. When it’s my birthday I make it fun and look happy for the sake of Dd
It was the same last year, in the evening we had his takeaway of choice (went out the following weekend) and he was saying he felt really down

But make sure you WhatsApp him the decision so he can’t say next year
“I never said I didn’t want no fuss”

make sure the decision is in writing so you can scroll back and point out “this is exactly what you said”

Just do a birthday menu where each person can select what they want in the weeks running up to their birthday. A checklist of card, balloons, singing, cake, party, suprise, gifts, peace and quiet, alone time, morning or evening etc. DD can have fun designing it. DH can be responsible for his choices.

Have you asked him what his birthdays were like as a child? Maybe things he’d rather forget are coming back to him.

Is it that birthdays fall a bit flat in general? You’ve said you don’t do big gestures but birthdays should be fun. Is this your idea of a nice birthday surprise or his? Maybe he would rather have done something grown up to celebrate with friends or just had a nice day out somewhere. Feigning excitement over a cake for the benefit of your young daughter and then going to work as usual may have felt like a bit of an anticlimax. Life is hard with young dc, could it be that he is struggling a bit? Are you seeing everything that’s going on with him? Does he do similar for your birthday and make an effort?

Does he even want to celebrate his birthday?

I think if your partner clearly doesn't like something or has said no thanks. You need to leave it. Not rope your child in to emotionally blackmail or create a pretence to get what you want.

even if it is a birthday.

My DH isn't much better. I don't think he likes getting older.

I appreciate that you want to do something nice and the excitement for your child but it's also important to teach kids that different people like different things.

yup this and also that the best gift you can give anybody is something they want like not having their birthday celebrated. I think its mean to insist on this just to make your child happy.

If he doesn’t like his birthday why are you trying to force him to by doing all that stuff? Surely you know it will backfire.

It doesn't sound like you've actually talked to him or asked what he does want? It doesn't really sound like you like him very much.

There's a weird overlap between people who insist birthdays are super important and should be celebrated, and people who don't accept it when someone doesn't want to celebrate or mark it. Surely the first principle of birthdays being important is to do whatever makes the birthday-haver happy even if that is nothing.

Why is he miserable?
Has he always been miserable?
Have you asked him why he’s miserable?

I hate birthdays, or anything else where I'm the center of attention. Don't worry about it, just let it go.

A lot of posters suggesting the husband doesn't want a fuss and dislikes his birthday. Perhaps he'd like to treated as an adult man instead.

From personal experience I found the childish way my birthdays were always celebrated very limiting
I am a mother and I loved my children's excitement and we had very memorable times. But I'm not a child. I needed more.

In addition to the children's part I wanted to be recognised as the woman he married and wanted a gown up celebration from my husband . Not instead of the little smiling faces but separately .
As a couple in love.
So that's what we added

Is the truth going to be told eventually though? At what age? Better that the child understands early on that some people do and some people don’t and it just is.

Everything is not about the bloody kids all the time. Especially your own birthday

I love this idea!

We used to have a birthday party with friends at the weekend, but on the "real" day we would have a meal at my Grandparents and GM would phone about a week in advance and ask the birthday person to choose the menu ( not in a lobster bisque, then quail kind of way: more roast beef then apple crumble).

It was incredibly exciting all day at school looking forward to it! In reality, it was just a normal dinner, no balloons etc, but I loved it as much as my party with my friends.

I know you had good intentions but you can’t enforce things people don’t like for your child’s sake all the time. The world doesn’t revolve around her and your husband is entitled to have a low key birthday.

I think you need to read the room and respond accordingly. Let him have the birthday he wants, not the one your kid wants.

There's a weird overlap between people who insist birthdays are super important and should be celebrated, and people who don't accept it when someone doesn't want to celebrate or mark it.

This is a well-put comment.

I mean surely on HIS birthday he should be allowed to celebrate (or not) how he chooses.

you are trying to force what you want on him.

no wonder he is miserable, is that how things usually go? Your way or the highway.

he should deffo ltb

I wonder if the DH , for 364 days of the year, has to do stuff because DD ' loves it' or if he doesn't he will be called a miserable git.

Just for one day, his birthday, he would like his family to ask him what he wants or to just let him be..but no, Cake! Balloons! Singing! ..because, hey, that's what DD wants.

And you wonder why he wasn't effusively grinning and thanking you for doing exactly what you wanted rather than what he wanted on his birthday.

Honestly I find it bizarre when posters have an issue with their partner's behaviour but instead of attempting to have a conversation about it seem to treat it as some kind of impenetrable mystery.

Maybe he doesn't like birthdays?
Maybe he finds attention awkward?
Maybe he's got a specific idea of what he wants but he's not communicated it to you?
Maybe he's carrying baggage from experiences as a child?
Maybe he's just a grumpy fucker?

I don't know...have you tried asking him?!

I do too. I happened to be on holiday with some friends on my birthday. That was a coincidence and I deliberately kept quiet about it. We ate out every evening and on my birthday, the one friend who'd known told the waiters who all came round with a cake and sang Happy Birthday. I found it excruciating. On another 'big' birthday, my DC (none of whom are well off) clubbed together and bought me something quite extravagant. It was lovely of them and I'm very grateful, but honestly, I'd have preferred them to keep the money for themselves.

Ok - seems mean , she's only little, she's trying to be kind, birthdays ARE important to kids, and this particular thing is one day a year, not all the time. It also struck me as one of those things men feel totally fine sacking off and women pick up all the emotional slack on. But of course the bloody little person trying to celebrate something could just suck it up for the mardy man.

Birthdays might me important to kids but I’m pretty sure the DD didn’t bake a cake or purchase and blow up balloons on her own. OP facilitated this so any disappointment is on her. If OP had just got her DD to make a card then I’m sure he’d have shown enthusiasm but she created a whole scene and expected him to perform.

But it's the OP that's hyping up the kid unnecessarily knowing she will end up disappointed. Just why?

It would be mean doing nothing for a kids birthday if they liked the fuss