Dh always miserable on birthday

[Blackeyedsun]

It was his birthday yesterday, Dd and I made a cake based on his favourite chocolate bar, blew up balloons, cards-handmade and bought, a couple of small gifts-not expensive as we are going away and don’t go over the top for each other. We blew some balloons up, Dd is little and loves the planning and excitement of it. We had his cake and coffee ready in the morning and were singing to him before work and he looked quite miserable, it was just quiet and awkward and an anti climax. When it’s my birthday I make it fun and look happy for the sake of Dd
It was the same last year, in the evening we had his takeaway of choice (went out the following weekend) and he was saying he felt really down

I have a friend who hates his birthday because it was always miserable for him as a child. If he doesn't want to celebrate his birthday, can't you respect that?

this seems like one of those threads where everyone has decided to pile on the OP and her parenting in a way I don't quite understand, so I'll leave all you cake haters to it. He just sounds a bit joyless & precious to me. I don't care a bit about my birthday, it's just a day, bit my kids really do, and I think it's good to encourage them to do nice things for other people, so we mark it - makes them feel good, takes nothing away from me. I wouldn't celebrate Christmas much either if I didn't have kids, but it matters to them. Good luck OP, have a talk to him. (I do hate balloons so I'd be having none of that stretchy squeaky badness.)

she is 7. Old enough to understand the concept of people liking different things and doing/giving what they like.

but isn't a nice thing giving the person what they would like not what you think they would like?

To be honest that's my idea of hell. I'm quite open with my hatred of my birthday. I don't want a fuss. A card from my kids and I'm happy.

I would hate to be forced to be happy at celebrating it the way others want to and have my own feelings ignored and trampled on.

i think it's an important lesson to learn that others choose to mark the day in different ways and that's ok.

Gosh I would have been sad and mortified. Maybe dial back the celebrations in future and see if that cheers him up. The little girl doesn't have to witness that nonsense. Many of us have mixed feelings about birthdays and getting older but it costs nothing to act happy in front of your kid for 10 minutes and ask for a slice of cake to take to work "to make the guys jealous ' Sorry OP.

Meanwhile, back in the normal world almost everyone allows their young children to enjoy celebrating a parent’s birthday. Because most people aren’t so self centred that they can’t put their child’s pleasure in being the person who gives the gift/blows up the balloons/decorates the cake with unhygienic fingers ahead of their miserable ‘needs’ fo an hour. And no one uses it as a teaching moment either, because that would just compound the issue and gaslight the poor child.

why is it gaslighting?

Gaslight the child? 🤣
That's a strange conclusion

Just read OP mentioned her DH would be worse with no effort. I think OP you’re more concerned about your DD going to the effort of making the card etc and him not giving her a big thankful happy reaction. I think you’re hurt for your DD and I think that’s what’s caused this. I don’t think you’re overly concerned why he’s miserable (I don’t blame you) and I see it from your point of view too. I have DC’s and I’d be really hurt for them too, if they had gone to the effort. But I think this is a lesson learnt, do not make a huge effort, keep it really low key and see how it goes. You can’t force him to make a huge reaction for DD, it sucks but she will be OK. It hasn’t seems to affect my DC’s yet that their Daddy is pretty quiet on his birthday. As I said previously the most I do now is chocolate and a card, don’t get wrong I would love to make a huge deal out of his birthday and spoil him, and sing happy birthday with the DC’s make it really fun but my life got a lot easier when I realised that, that wasn’t going to be my reality with him.

This is so important and true. I learnt being with DH he doesn’t want to celebrate birthdays whereas me , I love to celebrate them. Mine and others. It’s a hard to come to terms with at first but after doing a low key birthday once for DH, it took all pressure off for subsequent birthdays and actually made my life easier, one less thing to think about.

How do you come to that conclusion? Is it because OP is assuming that he would be unhappy without a fuss?

My DH is like this on both Christmas and Birthdays. He has parents who just do not show love and excitement towards anyone or anything. He hated these big occasions growing up and even now when he does get a fuss, he can’t get out of the same mentality. My side of the family still makes a big thing of these days, particularly Christmas and I think it just reminds him what he didn’t have.

He’s having an affair. Feels guilty. Wants to be elsewhere

I dislike my birthday for reasons past and gone… however now I have children I will always celebrate to show them how it should be, and how we make an effort for each others birthdays…. If only my OH had remembered my birthday today 🙄🤪

People go on about men being controlling (constantly) but when women try it it is still the man's fault and if he doesn't do what the woman demands he is the one with mental health issues it seems

That's some conclusion you've jumped to 😂

My DH is the same - he looks at every present you give him with such disappointment- doesn’t matter what you get. Never wants to do anything special and just goes to bed early. We all go to an effort and the kids don’t understand it, neither do I. His presents just get left the side until I put them away. It’s attention seeking behaviour and I’m sick of it. When it’s someone else’s birthday he sulks!

A slight aside, but this Christmas I was given the main present I was getting on the day in the afternoon - this was from my parents who I went to visit on Christmas Day, and I had most of my presents with my kids (who were with exh on Xmas day) a couple of days later, also in the afternoon.

Ive realised that I enjoy my presents a lot more if I get them in the afternoon!

First thing in the morning I just don’t feel in the mood to enjoy anything, never mind presents!

But it's his birthday, not yours or your DDs. So surely it should be about him and what he wants, not what you both want his birthday to be?!

Experience.

DH was like this on Christmas morning… DS was excited to open his presents, but it took away all the enjoyment for me. With misery-chops just sitting there. I was the one who’d put all of the work in, of course. Bought all the Santa gifts. Wrapped everything. Did the tree etc… And I felt sadness instead of joy. The whole point of Christmas… DS will cotton on as he gets older.

You have posted this thread @Blackeyedsun asking for opinions, and when people are giving them you're just dismissing them, and being really sniffy.

Fact is, your husband clearly DOES NOT LIKE THE BIRTHDAY FUSS! Especially not when he's just got out of bed, and has got to go to work I couldn't be faffed with this as soon as I wake up. My DH doesn't get my birthday stuff out til we've had our showers, and had breakfast, and woken up properly.

Take the hint. Stop it. Wish him happy birthday when he gets up, and then give him a card and present(s) when he comes home. I HATE a fuss on my birthday and can't wait for it to be over. DH knows this, and just says 'happy birthday love' and gives me a card and a little bundle of presents. I wouldn't want balloons and banners and fuss. People aren't miserable, like your husband isn't miserable. He just doesn't want this ritual every year (which is clearly tedious and annoying to him.)

Accept he doesn't want it, and stop making it about you. You need to tell your daughter that you're not doing the big fuss for her dad any longer as he doesn't enjoy it. She is excited because YOU have pushed it.

Know when to stop.

And if he is as miserable as you are making out, then why are you even with him?

Ahhh right... so you also forced your partner to do what you want on his birthday and we're surprised that he left? Ok

Hardly! Wasnt with reference to a partner of mine