Dh always miserable on birthday

[Blackeyedsun]

It was his birthday yesterday, Dd and I made a cake based on his favourite chocolate bar, blew up balloons, cards-handmade and bought, a couple of small gifts-not expensive as we are going away and don’t go over the top for each other. We blew some balloons up, Dd is little and loves the planning and excitement of it. We had his cake and coffee ready in the morning and were singing to him before work and he looked quite miserable, it was just quiet and awkward and an anti climax. When it’s my birthday I make it fun and look happy for the sake of Dd
It was the same last year, in the evening we had his takeaway of choice (went out the following weekend) and he was saying he felt really down

The thing is though that her husband doesn't seem to know what he wants. Sadly. I think he sounds really depressed.

And OP is on here moaning to strangers when it would be best to speak directly with him.

OP you shouldn’t be centring his bday around a small child’s enjoyment.

He shouldn’t be rude but if it’s happened before, then you need to tone it down for the sake of your DD. It’s you that has hyped it up for the child, only for DH to dash them.

By that, I don’t mean you’ve gone all out and ordered a brass band. But that your young DD has put a lot of time, energy and love into the cake and the card she made. When it didn’t seem like it’s well received, then your DD will be hurt.

Both parents are to blame here. You knew he is a misery, therefore in future….shop bought card and cake. Any celebrations after work and don’t get your DD excited. Don’t put any pressure on your DD to get all hyped for it. Your husband also needs to be told, that he needs to suck it up and sort out his attitude. Tell him in advance, next year is supermarket cake and card and he will be bloody grateful for it.

My birthday is this month. I really really don't know why but I am always and consistently quite down around the time of my birthday. Just in general. I don't know if it the end of a long hard winter (I really struggle with the cold etc...) or what it is but for many years I have just been utterly miserable by the end of March when my birthday is. I

I really relate to the song Birthday by Blur.

I have been like this since a teen, now early 50s and as I say, I don't understand it really. It may be compounded a bit by being with someone for the last 25 years who never did anything for my birthday so I felt even more shit. I really don't know.

I go all out for my children's birthdays but I just really feel miserable on mine. Maybe he is the same and just can't make himself fake it this year.

I can only speak for myself, but after years of it being done just to please others, it gets boring,knowing you have to fake it every year.
Oh they love it the kids love it do it for the kids do it for the family ect , yes they love it I dont.

Over the years I couldn't deal with the fuss and dreading the day coming.
Now its just me and its peaceful.

I think it is really bad manners and showing a huge lack of consideration not to warmly thank a young child who has put effort into making you a birthday card and is clearly excited about making you happy on your birthday.

Even if you don't like the card, even if you're not a morning person, even if you don't like a fuss, even if it's your birthday and all you want to do is mope. A little child is showing you love in the way they know how. That's a beautiful thing and should be appreciated.

If he really finds birthday celebrations depressing then he can use his words and tell you how he would like the day to go. He has just got a whole year older and should be old enough to communicate by now.

I have no patience for men like this. Its your child showing you love, on your Birthda! If you can't find pleasure in that, or at least show some gratitude, you really are a miserable sod

Yep, my OH is like this and it really stresses me out as I think it must be because he’s not happy with what I have done or his gift. Every year I feel the stress snowballs so there is no enjoyment for anyone. Already really dreading next year when it’s a ‘big’ birthday.

Have you actually asked him how he feels or what he wants on his birthday?

I can't believe that people would just do the same year after year?!

Surely if you made a fuss for a birthday and your DH / DP didn't appreciate it, you'd just say to them "Look you don't appear to enjoy us celebrating your birthday so we can scale it back / do sod all next year if you prefer?".

I don't understand how some couples just don't communicate with conversations at all!

Doesn't matter how he feels, he can ignore it or fret over it internally or with you as much as he wants - but he's missing a key thing about being a parent, which is showing enthusiasm to make a child feel happy and appreciated.

Surely he could just fake some appreciation for his 7 year old daughter's sake as she had gone to the effort of trying to do something nice for him on his birthday?

I think you are unfair to force it on him. She is little she won’t know it’s his birthday unless she is told. So don’t tell her.

This is how I manage it. DC don't know when my birthday is. They vaguely know it's in the summer and that's it. If they ever asked specifically for the date and actually remembered it themselves then I would react appropriately. But if DH told them in order to set up some celebration I didn't want that would be shit of him.

You keep mentioning your DD, it’s not her birthday! No one should be forced to celebrate just to make someone else happy. If he doesn’t like his birthday then stop making a fuss, explain to your DD not everyone wants a fuss and leave him to it

This does sound as though you prioritise DD's needs over his, if he's trying to get ready for work...?

If he doesn’t want it he could slap on a happy face for his child and later on mention it to his wife like a fucking adult. You know talk things through with your spouse.

But he chose, yes chose, to deflate the effort his child had put in. That’s on him. Selfish prick.

Well if he thought that was a bad birthday it would be nothing to how I would lay into him after child had gone to bed. If my H, dad to our two boys, had behaved like this when they were young (he wouldn’t he kept a pet rock they gave him from school with some note about holding it if you are missing us on it for years) his birthday would end with him sitting alone, because frankly that would be all he deserved, after a strip had been torn off him about what an ungrateful fun-sapping sponge he was.

The only Mother’s Day I have ever needed (we only really do Mother’s Day for grandma) was when one March Sunday morning we heard this clattering up the stairs, they were young, 8/6 or something and they had embarked on “breakfast in bed for mummy” - up they clattered with a tray of a cup of tea (grey in colour) and two pieces of toast (on the burnt side) - they were shaking with pride and looked as cute as could be. The tea and toast were dreadful, god they were bad, but their effort and thought was the best present in the world. I don’t get it as a parent to sit there deliberately grumpy and unimpressed to drain the enjoyment from your child when they have tried to do something nice just for you. I will never understand it. And I would never have accepted it from H either.

I think some people don't find it easy to feel they have to "perform" a certain way - especially if deep down he's thinking the whole idea is for him to enjoy himself and it is kind of achieving the opposite.

My DH hates things feeling forced. He never books a meal on Valentines as to him its just performative and awkward. I do notice that normally about a week later he says something like "I noticed such and such restaurant has been getting great reviews. I wonder if I should book for us this weekend?"

I think sometimes we just have to accept people have their own ways of reacting. What does he like doing - even if its something you all do a lot? Maybe just try doing that, perhaps with a gift and a cup of tea and a slice of his favourite cake when you come in? He might just find the balloon and candle stuff a bit depressing.

EYA also it is good for your dc to learn we all like different things.

Could he not say, because it would take all of two minutes
“oh thank you baby the cake is amazing and you know what can we save the presents and cake until later because I have to go to work now, but I will have a great day knowing there is this cake and presents, these both for me? When I get home and have time to enjoy them properly”

or is that too difficult for some parents?

Or....

If the OP knows he didn't enjoy the birthday fuss that her and her daughter made the year before, SHE could be the one to ask him if he actually wants balloons, cake etc before she goes and does it all anyway?

Well yes she could but OP has already said he would be worse if they did nothing.

And whilst it might be the worse thing in the world for him his DD is little so he can slap on a face, go “oh wow thank you baby” and talk to his wife later on.

And perhaps that is the way to go, not continue making an effort for someone who has a face like a wet weekend in child friendly terms say to daughter “yeah fuck it” next year.

There is no point dancing around trying to do something nice for someone to have it thrown back in your face year after year, he doesn’t want this, he doesn’t want nothing either. So what the fuck does he want?

He still could have said thank you to his little daughter it wasn’t her fault at all.

OP, sometimes people really struggle to enjoy their birthday as there were issues growing up. What is his relationship like with his parents? I HATE celebrating my birthday and feel miserable because I feel guilty about making the day about me. So when people make a fuss I feel awkward and sad. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and an absent father.

Well yes she could but OP has already said he would be worse if they did nothing.
She has also pointedly refused to answer questions about whether she has ever discussed it or just assumed he would be so I'm drawing my own conclusions from that silence.

So stop setting your child up for a failed venture each year!
Ask your DH what he’d prefer you to do - ignore it, give him space in the morning, whatever; and then turn that into yours and DD’s little game of how you keep Daddy happy on his birthday.
A good lesson for her about how not everyone is the same and people don’t always enjoy the same things.