Dh always miserable on birthday

[Blackeyedsun]

It was his birthday yesterday, Dd and I made a cake based on his favourite chocolate bar, blew up balloons, cards-handmade and bought, a couple of small gifts-not expensive as we are going away and don’t go over the top for each other. We blew some balloons up, Dd is little and loves the planning and excitement of it. We had his cake and coffee ready in the morning and were singing to him before work and he looked quite miserable, it was just quiet and awkward and an anti climax. When it’s my birthday I make it fun and look happy for the sake of Dd
It was the same last year, in the evening we had his takeaway of choice (went out the following weekend) and he was saying he felt really down

Nope. Yes you did misunderstand.

I’m shocked at the people excusing this father who can’t even raise a smile of thanks when his child presents him with a handmade birthday card.

The parenting bar is set so low for men.

Yes I’m beginning to wonder

Looks like you’re leaving the bastard then.

I actually don’t like celebrating my birthday because it is so close to my late mums………just how things are I’m afraid. My family know this and we plan things that distract from dwelling over losing mum. There might be something going on with your DH that he relates to his own birthday and finds difficult to cope with.

I did wonder if I had.

Some people don’t like a fuss on their birthdays others have a week of merriment to celebrate their birthday
My mum is in her seventies and loves the fuss. She absolutely adores the cards, the messages and the presents
All my dcs love celebrating their birthdays
I am more low key and just happy with a kebab
Your dh doesn’t like the fuss
, you are aware of this , so why do you continue to do something he doesn’t like ,?

Pleased I could clarify.

If he is a perpetual victim then that is another issue .

How would you know?

How about you talk about it?

I think YABU.

I’m not a morning person and I would hate cake early in the morning. Literally wouldn’t be able to stomach it. And I wouldn’t want fuss and singing etc at that time of day. A birthday gift to me would be a peaceful morning.

I think you should have saved the fuss til after work. If your DH doesn’t want a fuss at all, then no fuss is a better present.

It’s all very well to say “I do it for DD” - it’s not her birthday!

I think some people do struggle with their birthdays for valid reasons of course, but those people still show some appreciation for the effort and explain their mood and why. Over time in a healthy relationship, there will be learning on both sides to anticipate and work around the issues.

However, this is behaviour that is definitely recognisable from some individuals I have had relationships with. (Not just romantic) And you might find some information that strikes a chord if you google ‘Why can’t a narcissist enjoy their birthday?’

From my experience, sometimes you can’t make it perfect no matter how hard you try. Any effort you put in isn’t allowed to be recognised, as that would prove you to be the ‘best’ one. And if you put in no effort, then that proves themselves to be the victim and they can relish in the drama of that. It can be a lose lose situation.

The power play is all in their heads of course. Maybe if the King threw them a public party to tell them how brilliant they are, that might make them happy… but normal, unselfish, intimate family happiness… never going to make the grade.

Obviously, I don’t know all the information or the history - just that I recognise that behaviour in my personal experience.

Jeez. Can’t he be arsed to make an effort for the little one, even if he hates the fuss?

That’s surely part of the job description for being a good parent to young kids?

As he’s done it before, I’d have probably told him the night before of the plan and my expectations of his behaviour. I can’t stand sulky men or women for that matter.

Luckily, my DH loves making a fuss for the kids and grandkids and wouldn’t dream of letting the side down.

But you aren’t showing him you care! You’re doing something he doesn’t like or want. That isn’t showing someone you care at all. It’s the opposite of showing someone you care.

Why can't he please himself on his birthday? Just because you want to make everything about DD, doesn't mean he has to spend that day faking that he wants all that stuff when he doesn't and you know he actively dislikes it. It's a bit shit tbh, to make a fuss just because you want to "for DD". If you really wanted him to have the birthday he'd like (in his miserable way), you'd ignore it and do the bare minimum. DD can learn that people are different. It won't harm her.

Kids often really love birthdays, my daughter is the same, but she's old enough now to be taught that not everyone shares her enthusiasms for everything. From his perspective he just doesn't enjoy it and you can't always contort yourself for a child's sake - you can't make him. You would and I would, for the sake of a birthday cake - but you can't make someone else. Just accept he doesn't enjoy it and stop doing it. Explain to your daughter he's a bit of a misery guts - light-heartedly - and redirect what you're doing into other things to keep facilitating her joy.

I would ask if he does these things with her on your birthday because that's really miserly if his dislike of fuss on his birthday means he doesn't make the effort for you or your daughter.

Imagine 30 years down the line, daughter left home years ago, husband says in exasperation, “Why are you still doing this shit?!”, OP answers, “but daughter loves it!”…….

If not for you, then for his daughter he could have made an effort to appreciate what his wife and his daughter did for him. This triggers me - mine was the same but for some reason it was more on my children’s birthdays and mine he behaved this way. Depression happens to a lot of people but self-absorbed behaviour is a manipulation tool. It’s not like it was big surprise party - it was something thoughtful by those who love him most. X

Quite.

But there are multiple Christmas threads on here annually about "DC was so ungrateful just like s/he is every year blah blah blah" so evidently there are plenty of parents who do continue to insist on a big fuss knowing the child hates it.

If he's permanently miserable and you think he has a personality disorder, do you want to stay married to him?

Tbh singing and cake and balloons along with morning coffee before work sounds a bit of a headfuck. Plenty of people would do this stuff in the daytime or evening rather than when someone needs to go to work or had just woken up.

Though it's still sweet of you of course. I just think maybe you were focussing on your child's enjoyment rather than the person who's birthday it was.

Me too.

Someone singing happy birthday to me first thing in the morning would piss me off, apart from cringing.
Cake in the morning no thanks.

Everyone Is different, but I cant stand a big fuss.

I agree, I wish it was! :)

you can control how he feels so let him be miserable.

Yep. I think the issue here is that the OP doesn't see this as a big fuss... whereas some others do.