Dh always miserable on birthday

[Blackeyedsun]

It was his birthday yesterday, Dd and I made a cake based on his favourite chocolate bar, blew up balloons, cards-handmade and bought, a couple of small gifts-not expensive as we are going away and don’t go over the top for each other. We blew some balloons up, Dd is little and loves the planning and excitement of it. We had his cake and coffee ready in the morning and were singing to him before work and he looked quite miserable, it was just quiet and awkward and an anti climax. When it’s my birthday I make it fun and look happy for the sake of Dd
It was the same last year, in the evening we had his takeaway of choice (went out the following weekend) and he was saying he felt really down

You need to start teaching your DD that you celebrate in the way the birthday person wants to be celebrated, not what you would enjoy so you force it down their throat.

You can teach DD that people are different. Some people love a fuss on their birthdays but some people find it too much - daddy doesn’t like it so we’re going to respect that from now on.

He sounds like a mood hoover, but I have one a bit like this. He finds any sort of fuss very stressful, so we try do keep it very minimal. He has actually got better about it in recent years as I think he felt pressured before and less so now

Even if he hates his birthday, he should've put on a happy face for the sake of his child's efforts imo. That effort should always be rewarded with a big smile imo.

Do whatever your husband wants for his birthday, if that's nothing, that's fine.
It's important for your child to know that not everyone has to like the same things as her.

Tweak it round OP.

Balloons set up night before.
Sing happy birthday with a coffee in the morning.
Presents, cake and anything else after work/school.

If that doesn't work then just accept he's turning into a miserable so and so. And yes, I put a brave face on for my DC too. Hate my birthday but appreciate the effort they've put in because they love me

Well, ask him? Why would it be worse?

I have no particularly strong feelings about birthdays either way, but what I do hate for any occasion is someone making a 'fuss' in which I'm scripted in as having to look thrilled for the sake of someone else, or it being an 'anticlimax' -- and all that in the morning before work sounds like a lot, especially for a not-morning person.

I find birthdays difficult too and if I'd made that clear to my partner and they persisted in a forced celebration every year anyway I think I'd struggle to put on a grateful face.

a cup and a t-shirt?

Could it be the gifts that have made him sad @Blackeyedsun?

So if he's not interested, don't celebrate his birthday. It's his birthday, not yours. You can do the fuss on your birthday. I suspect if you ignore his birthday that will suddenly be an issue too, however. Try it and see...

And 7 is plenty old enough to explain that not everyone wants a big celebration, and that some people find birthdays tricky for various reasons. I thought you were going to say she was 3 or 4.

I don't enjoy a fuss on my birthday but I try to be grateful when a fuss is made but much prefer low key. I think if I had balloons, cake and singing before work I wouldn't cope well with it if I'm honest, which is very ungrateful but it is just how I am. I can barely speak until I've been awake at least an hour!

id explain to him it really bout his dd showin her love for him and if he chooses to show displeasure it will hurt her. Also would he prefer an evening fuss? Maybe he’s not a morning person

Each to their own but personally I would cringe inside out if someone sang anything to me. I don't like fuss or attention, it just irritates the fuck out of me.
Haven't done birthdays since 18th and even then just a few drinks with college mates and was wheeled home in a shopping trolley from Tesco. 😂Since then just not interested.
My late mil always used to say "Another year furthur from the cradle and one nearer the grave" she was always a happy person😄

He's not "being miserable", he's just not bothered. He probably doesn't understand why there's a fuss about adult birthdays, and I'm with him..... I've pretty much got mine to be completely ignored. Why don't you actually respect his wishes, OP, and dial it down next time?

Well, for the purpose of this thread, whatever he does (or doesn't do) for the the OPs birthday is irrelevant.

HE doesn't like a massive fuss on his birthday and yet the OP insists he pretends to enjoy it and persists every year.

I don't understand why you would do all of this in the morning before he goes to work either? Just bake a cake (if you and DD enjoy that), get him some pressies and a card and give them to him when he gets home from work?

Agree with others. Both me and DH would absolutely hate this.

Agree.

!00% agree. I'm not slapping on a huge smile for another person, a child yes but no way for an adult, especially if it's expected that idea can jog right off.

Dd is a happy, party type person, I do it for her sake

But it's not her birthday?

No, sorry. I get that people are all different and all that, but what sort of parent makes their child unhappy and uncomfortable by being a miserable tosspot about their birthday? A selfish one is the answer.

Seeing as that’s what you are dealing with, I think PP are correct in saying that despite being only seven, you are probably best off explaining to DD (preferably without using the phrase miserable tosspot) that her dad is unusually bad tempered about his birthday, as she has probably noticed, so from now on, you won’t be celebrating it in a normal way.

That way she won’t be disappointed or be feeling like she’s doing something wrong.

It would affect how I felt about DH though.

To be honest, I wouldn't want balloons & presents and cake & candles etc first thing in the morning before work. My DH is definitely not a morning person and would hate this. In my experience, mums are much better at putting on a smile and showing enthusiasm for the kids sake (we're conditioned to try and keep everyone happy!) while the blokes are just grumpy if they feel grumpy 😠

I probably would have just given him a kiss and said happy birthday and saved all the other stuff until after work.

@Blackeyedsun would a better lesson for DD not be tha people celebrate differently. Same as we have different customs for Christmas etc. some folks prefer quiet birthdays (cuddles and a movie and a takeaway later in the day) some people like parties and noise and balloons.

she must realise at school some kids are shy and some are extroverts. Open a discussion on this and find compromise with DH. How can his DD show calmed down birthday love?

I hate children having this expectation that things ‘must be so’ and that we can’t voice that we don’t all want the same thing. She needs to learn that it’s ok to speak up for your preferences, boundaries, wants and needs.

just because daddy doesn’t celebrate her way doesn’t mean it’s wrong.