Dh always miserable on birthday

[Blackeyedsun]

It was his birthday yesterday, Dd and I made a cake based on his favourite chocolate bar, blew up balloons, cards-handmade and bought, a couple of small gifts-not expensive as we are going away and don’t go over the top for each other. We blew some balloons up, Dd is little and loves the planning and excitement of it. We had his cake and coffee ready in the morning and were singing to him before work and he looked quite miserable, it was just quiet and awkward and an anti climax. When it’s my birthday I make it fun and look happy for the sake of Dd
It was the same last year, in the evening we had his takeaway of choice (went out the following weekend) and he was saying he felt really down

Agree with PP, your daughter can learn that people like different things.

I actually think it is unhealthy to keep squashing down your feelings when it is something that is entirely optional and supposed to be for you. If you don't like birthday celebrations why should you have to pretend to enjoy them? Different if you are doing something for someone else that you know they will love, but saying 'that is not for me, I prefer x' is surely a good thing for your kid to see modelled?

It doesn’t make him miserable, he just is miserable, I honestly believe if we didn’t do it, he’d be even worse!

Well if he's going to be miserable either way then just don't bother and at least you won't resent him because you've gone to a load of effort!

I don’t think he should have to enjoy something just because you want to celebrate that way. He’s not into birthdays…you need to manage your child’s expectations. Just let her make him a card and give it to him. No need to build the anticipation and the excitement the day before with balloons and cake. The reason it’s so awkward is because you built it up and are now placing the expectation for you DH to perform for the moment. Just let it go and let him mark his birthday in a way he wants to

I doubt it somehow as the majority of your posts are about your DD's feelings, not his.

He’d be worse with no effort!

But have you actually discussed that or just assumed? Unless you've actually asked if he likes all that stuff and suggested not doing it you don't know he'd be miserable without it.

I loathe my birthday and confronted with all this in the morning would make me sad, stressed out and angry

Birthdays should be about the person. Let him have the birthday that he wants, instead of expecting him to do some forced happy version of it. Perhaps the expectation of false cheer, is what he finds depressing. It can also be explained to DD that not everyone feels the same about birthdays and if daddy wants a quiet grumpy one, so be it. It's like Christmas and Mothers Day, for example where everyone feels pressured to act a certain way.

How do you know? All you keep talking about is wanting to do it a certain way because of your DD.

How do you know? Have you asked or are you just assuming? A card and presents are all that's needed.

Give it a go and see.

Or better still, speak to him and ask about what HE might want, even if it doesn't align with your daughter's wants.

He's miserable if you make an effort and even more miserable if you don't?

So he's just a miserable person then?

No ask him to consider her daughters feelings for five minutes on his birthday. When your a parent not everything is about you anymore

I guess this is a time for you to explain to your daughter that not everyone is like her and that’s ok.

It’s more than not being bothered , he’s saying he feels down on his birthday. I am the same however for a child you plaster that smile on as the issue is that a way a child is wired means that they will think they’ve done something wrong.

So the question to your husband op is what are you doing to address this.

Have you actually asked him though. Cause from your posts it’s all about how excited your DC is to plan it and how much you’d appreciate the effort if it was done for you. No where do you say what his feelings are on the matter

And nor is everything about the child.

As a grown woman, the OP hasn't seemed to grasp that not everyone enjoys birthdays and they don't want to do everything her way.

There's still time for her daughter to learn this.

I think her father will have to explain this as her mother clearly doesn't get it.

Very probable!

Do you do the cake, balloons etc because you think he'll like it or because you enjoy doing it? If the former, did he used to like that sort of thing? If not, stop doing it!

Or OP could consider her husband's feelings for five minutes on his birthday.

It all seems to be about what you and your DD want - there’s nothing in your posts about what your husband wants or likes.

I don’t know every aspect of the ops parenting so can’t comment on that but five minutes birthday fuss does equate a spoilt child who gets everything her way to me.
My dh isn’t a big fuss person but he would definitely indulge his kids in singing happy birthday to him. Whilst stil making sure they understand boundaries

It sounds like she's doing it because it's all about her daughter.

Despite the fact the daughter will no doubt be the centre of Christmas, Easter, her birthday, her mum's birthday, mother's day, father's day and every other celebration in the home.

My dh isn’t a big fuss person but he would definitely indulge his kids in singing happy birthday to him. Whilst stil making sure they understand boundaries
I would tolerate it and do a good job of pretending to enjoy it if came from DC entirely off their own bats. But if DH had been telling them it was my birthday and setting up all the faff OP describes himself I'd be really hurt because he's another adult and knows full well how to make my birthday go in the best way possible for me.