Dh always miserable on birthday

[Blackeyedsun]

It was his birthday yesterday, Dd and I made a cake based on his favourite chocolate bar, blew up balloons, cards-handmade and bought, a couple of small gifts-not expensive as we are going away and don’t go over the top for each other. We blew some balloons up, Dd is little and loves the planning and excitement of it. We had his cake and coffee ready in the morning and were singing to him before work and he looked quite miserable, it was just quiet and awkward and an anti climax. When it’s my birthday I make it fun and look happy for the sake of Dd
It was the same last year, in the evening we had his takeaway of choice (went out the following weekend) and he was saying he felt really down

That’s exactly what I do, I think OP should try it going forward

Just say "cheer up luv, it might never 'appen" (👈 joke)
Obviously there might be any number of reasons - ask him, basically.

Can’t get that picture out of my head now! 😁

My Dh hates his birthday he didn't have a great childhood and it stems from that. We just used to do token presents when the kids were small no fuss and go out for dinner, or a take away, . Your Dd doesn't need to be part of the planning and fuss, just scale back next year it is fine.

If he hates it so much I’d completely ignore it every year from now on.

Lol Ugh, didn't work. It's a gif that shows Salem the cat in a car moving but it's not moving.

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I’ve always hated celebrating my birthdays. I only had 1 party as a child for my 7th birthday. I was being SA and was raped in my bedroom after my party. So maybe he has some trauma he doesn’t want to talk about.

Children wouldn't get away with behaving like that when someone gives them a gift. Can you imagine someone posting here to say "I organised a cake and presents for my 8yo's birthday, she looked miserable, said "thanks" flatly and sloped off to her room" - the number of comments calling the child a little shit and ungrateful and the parents' fault would be astronomical.

It's only middle aged men who get indulged for this type of churlish behaviour.

Why? They'd just not get cakes and fuss going forward

Love it! 🤣🤣

I think you need to re frame it for next year, do cards maybe in the morning don't hype your dd then she won't be dissapointed or upset, I know we should make an effort for children but her dad is uneasy and feels awkward, and nobody is happy.

Surely you'd have the common sense though to not repeat the same thing every year knowing it makes the child miserable, and then complain said child is miserable?

It’s not the same though is it. If the 8 year old didn’t want to celebrate their birthday and the parent organised a party the parent would be in the wrong for putting the child in that situation on the first place.

If it was a neighbour or someone not close to the dc to know them well enough the parent should step in and say oh thank you for the gift, it’s really kind of you I’m sorry if that’s not the reaction you were hoping for but DC really hates her birthday

If people found out the parents knew the child doesn't like birthdays and hates a fuss, they'd quite rightly tell the parents they were selfish to impose that on their child just because it made THEM happy.

My Dd never liked fuss she hated being centre of attention i would never force her into "fun situations" you have to manage things like Birthdays and Christmas.

People are different. Have you actually asked him how he would like to celebrate his birthday, or are you just projecting your idea of fun onto him? Some people would rather less fuss, and just a quiet day, and some people would rather ignore it completely. This could either be because it's how he's been brought up, or because he finds it depressing for some reason. It is HIS decision how to celebrate his birthday.

You're making it about you by feeling disappointed that he didn't give you the praise/excitement/gratitude you feel you deserved for the effort you put in.

It is nice that you want to make an effort, but the effort should be towards something he will actually like.

If you know he's always miserable on his birthday, why on earth do you keep making a fuss and making him celebrate it? It probably makes him feel worse! Nothing's worse than forced merriment when you really don't feel like it. You're putting pressure on him to act a certain way on the one day of the year he should be able to act how he wants.

It sounds like your dh is not enjoying the fuss and also timing is a bit crap. Next year I suggest no decorations or balloons and no singing in the morning. A card at breakfast, cake and a present after dinner. Your daughter is old enough to understand that her dad does not want a big fuss made.

Still going really slow 🤣 I had visions of a cat with full velocity and swept back ears!

I wouldn’t say he’s annoyed, so much as being made the subject of a performance that he had no wish to be part of. There’s no sense at all of thinking what he would like, which is probably just a low key card and happy birthday.

Instead of which, year after year the OP hammers away at doing his birthday her way.

@Blackeyedsun Just wondering, is he the kind of person who is a perpetual victim no matter what happens? Only my ex was like this and he turned out to be a covert narcissist.

YANBU
I hate my birthday- but I'd never show that to my kids, especially if they were young and had made a cake.
Your husband needs to grow up.

I’d swap victim for attention seeker and consider the OP for that with child following in her footsteps.

You do your DH’s birthday stuff for your daughter? At what point, if ever, do your DH’s wishes feature in his own birthday?

I'm not sure if I've understood your post correctly. Are you calling a 7 year old child an attention seeker for being excited to surprise her father on his birthday?