Late 40s / Early 50s - Is This What You Expected?

[Dreamsofanidiotmaybenot]

If you are between your late forties and early fifties, where do you feel you are in life right now?
Is this what you expected when you were younger, or completely different?
Do you feel young and full of energy, or more tired than you thought you would be at this stage?
Do you have friends who have already retired in their fifties? How are they experiencing this period?
Genuinely curious to hear real experiences.

I am 53 next week and for the last 8 years I have been helping to care for my mum who is, now in advanced Alzheimer’s disease. I gave up work 2 years ago to help my dad who doesn’t cope. To say dementia is a wicked disease is no lie, it takes down everyone involved.

I am also deep in perimenopause, discovered 2 years ago I have endometriosis and adenomyosis and last year adhd. I have gone from someone who was always told she looks young for her age and feeling full of vitality to being in pain daily , constant anxiety about my mums health (she was also diagnosed with breast cancer 2 years ago) nd in deep depression. I feel worn out to the bone and looking and feeling 90 years old whilst the majority of my friends my age are either at the top of their game career wise or going on multiple holidays every year and having funnnow their kids are adults. I, on the otherhand am struggling financially, angry with the world and ready for my bed at 7pm because I’ve frankly, had enough of life.

I hate being a moaner but the truth is I’m jealous and resentful of a lot of people my age and hate myself for saying that but no, this is not what I had envisaged for my 40’s/50’s at all.

Overall I loved my forties and early fifties - I was burnt out due to my career and quit work at 50 (which was great but the burn out wasn’t much fun).
Looking back I had perimenopause symptoms but didn’t know it was that - I know pretty dumb!
I do get a little more tired now but keep active physically and mentally. Fortunately the little things in life have always given me a lot of pleasure. So far I’ve had a pretty happy life - not always but most of the time.
Advice to my younger MN chums - dress younger than your age (within reason) tackle everything with energy, say YES to most things, travel if you can, be there for your kids/partner/friends… and most important of all - don’t overthink and spend hours analysing yourself!

Why not?

There is, or will be, one day in your life when you realise (often with a jolt) that most men no longer see you as a sexual being.

Whether you enjoy(ed) the attention while it was on you or not, the moment is one that brings home very clearly a transition point in your life stage.

Many women enjoy being sexually attractive to men, I don't know why so many on MN dislike that fact.

@BloodyBoilingInHere I could have written your post - solidarity.

I am just grateful to be here, I take pleasure in small things, have learned to manage my anxiety and have set my bar very low to avoid disappointment !

Physically I feel like a wreck, fattest I have ever been and need to lose 8 stone just to be comfortably plump, everything aches, my teeth need work I can't afford, I make noises standing up and sitting down and have to find something to climb up when I get down on the floor, which is unfortunately quite a big part of my job ! I am strong though and rarely ill, so with a bit of self-care I might get back to some sembalence of feeling like a fully functioning human being.

Late 40s. Own my own house, albeit large mortgage. Am studying and working and the studying is hard but keeping me sharp. Could be further in my career, but that is my choice really. Things generally haven’t worked out as I might have hoped. Would like a partner/ to have had more than one DC. Have always had depression/ anxiety so used to managing it.

I look forward to the future, especially my 50s. I feel anxiety about being alone but also excitement about possibilities. I think the decisive factor for me is I keep fit, I run and gym. I joined a new club recently and made new friends. I study. As long as I am trying new things I think I can stay positive.

My mum was still getting propositioned in her 70s, I’m mid 40s and it just keeps getting better with men for me. I just don’t like how some women are so negative about themselves. Women meet men at any age and have attraction and sexual relationships.
I can understand how someone who has maybe made themselves really unattractive doesn’t get seen by men but not simply because of age.

Early 50's here. Feel shocking. Insomnia going through menopause is too much, had to go on HRT to make it a little better. It's not the hot flushes keeping me awake, it was just insomnia. I don't want to be on HRT, but there you go.

Other health issues of which I have been asking for help for nearly 3 years (steadily getting worse) with the NHS are not helping. The NHS is really broken, year long waiting lists to see a consultant, who then doesn't listen or decides (incorrectly) what the problem is, discharging me. No joined up thinking in the NHS anymore, it's a get rid of patient off their list place.

Tbh, if I passed tomorrow, I'd not be that sad. Had a very good life, interesting and fun at times but wouldn't want to keep going like this, getting worse. That's not being depressed as actually am not, just matter of fact that I don't want to be around if this is my old age!

Good for your mum, and you're young yet 😉. The point was easier to illustrate when wolf whistling from building sites was still legal. It's like waking up one day and realising the birds have stopped singing.

I don't feel great. I feel like time is running out.

Ive had cancer twice. Divorce due to his infidelity at 48.
Im now in a fantastic relationship. My kids ( all young adults)though have lost the Dad they knew. All the kids never returned from uni, where they were when thier Dads srcret came out. Im incredibly proud of them but they're all scattered across the country. Thy all still had thier fully furnished bedrooms at home but not one ever returned "home" because I had to relocate for a job and move. I feel one day I had a family, the next I didnt. I grieve that, despite knowing they're achieving great things and doing what they should be in thier 20s.
I had a great job for 3 years post divorce then the meno hit and I ive just spent 2 years out of work. I left due to some kind of anxiety breakdown. Im about to start a new job in 2 weeks but my self esteem has gone. Its lower level employment but im hoping I'll cope better. Ive had 1 other job, but quit after a few weeks as I wasn't coping. So im a little anxious about this new role too.
Im on HRT which has helped but ive lost the old me. Ive lost my oomph and confidence. Im cynical and hate the negative Nelly ive become.
I ve gone from being a size 8 to 10 to a 16 to 18 in 2 years. My diet was always limited and healthy but now it seems even weighing every morsal that passes my lips is a fruitless task. I have changed Personal Trainers several times and now train alone. I walk 7 to 10 miles a day, I weight train 4 days a week. I swim,I garden and play badminton but have lost all my tone and look like a wobbly barrel with an extra round flabby tyre between my belly button and knees. My hair is thinning. Everything is sagging.
Ive stopped socialising because I cant eat, so whilst everyone else meets for lunch or coffee, I cant. I used to go and drink water but staring at people eating nice meals is depressing when you too scared to eat or deviate from a weight loss program thats failing despite 100% being on track. I dont drink alcohol any more so dont socialise with the old fun group I used to hang out with. I miss them.
I can't take Monjaro because its risks linked to the cancer ive had twice.
Basically I feel rage at mother nature for fucking me over, mentally and physically. I feel menopause has robbed me from who i was and the life I loved despite great challenges with cancer and divorce in recent years. I expected to look and feel 50 odd with soft edges and a bit of sagging but not like a fat slob with a passion for junk food.

Im miserable. My appearance has changed so much im not recognisable. This as shallow as it sounds massively impacts my self esteem in ALL areas of my life.
The added insomnia that wakes me for 2 to 4 hours EVERY FUCKING night adds to my dull pallor and eye bags.
My saviour is my partner. He's wonderful. Im so in love. We both share a passion for holidays and travel....thats the one last joy left.

Well that’s because they were creeps who wanted to feel power over women, make them feel uncomfortable and not get any flack back for it. Younger women are always an easier target for that.

I remember for my 50th birthday (2 years ago on Saturday), I had a massive party and was the last one on the dance floor. I suddenly don't feel like that any more. I'm going for a few drinks with friends at the weekend and am fighting the feeling that I'd rather be at home on the sofa.

I hate being like this- I'm self employed, about to start an additional p/t job that I'm really excited about but is pretty demanding, and still have a teenager and a 10 year old. Basically I can't slow down right now, but I feel that I've lost my mojo and I hate it!

I'm on HRT but it doesn't seem to be working well enough (got a GP appointment next week to discuss). Interestingly, at the weekend I got a surge of energy (and felt surprisingly horny 🤔), which corresponded with the time in my "cycle" when I would normally ovulate, so my guess is my body is still producing a bit of a surge of oestrogen (testosterone?) at times, which makes it clearer what I'm lacking at other times!

@Theonlyfatmiddleagedwomannotonmonjaro

Have you had your thyroid checked? Thinning hair and that kind of weight gain are symptoms.

@crackofdoom

I get the crazy surge of motivation and horniness around when I ovulate - much more dramatic than when i wasn't perimenopausal. It doesn't happen every month, but when it does it is definitely bittersweet as I find the fatigue and low mood after it dips so much more pronounced. Almost like 3 days of feeling young and full of energy is inevitably followed by a massive pendulum swing in the opposite direction.

I hadn’t seen that mounjaro is linked to cancer??

@Ovasaurus can you tell me more about this integrated health practitioner? Are they medically trained ie actual doctor or it it just focus on alternative medicine? Someone who could look at everything from hormones to lifestyle, nutrition and alternative medicines sounds amazing.

I was looking forward to this stage of life, but didn't realise how physically and mentally awful I would feel. I was always incredibly fit and mentally healthy, but it's like my body and brain have been slightly poisoned.

Can't have HRT due to fibroids - awaiting hysterectomy, but utterly terrified about that and scared of losing my sexual function.

That feeling that 'my time has passed' is exactly it. I'm on a downward trajectory and the ending is going to be bad.

P.S. It's also sniper's alley - seeing friends with terminal illnesses brings home the above, but also DOES make me grateful for the good days.

I had my womb out due to a giant fibroid, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done! No periods, no risk of pregnancy, no pain. Sex is better than ever. Why do you think you’ll lose sexual function?

So having read all 80+ replies, there is a very definite pattern emerging:

1. Those who feel great or are very upbeat & positive almost all have included exercise & fitness as being a big part of their life.
2. Those who feel shit rarely mention exercise or fitness or if they do it's lapsed, not possible, not a priority etc.

I'm in the feel shit camp so this isn't a judgement but it has really made me take think about how I feel in general and question why I'm not prioritising my health more.

48 and extremely tired most of the time trying to get fitter but it's hard because I feel drained. Also agree with you. Op about time. Feeling like it's moving really fast? Like there's not much left that might be a knock-on effect from losing both my parents but it's not a pleasant feeling. I also lack of enthusiasm for anything things I used to enjoy. Just feel like an effort!

On paper I'm doing okay. I have a rubbish job bar that fits in really well with my lifestyle and financially we're okay but I just feel flat.

Gosh that's so hard, you've been through an awful lot. I just wanted to say you're absolutely not a failure, very far from it!

You sound amazing actually. And you must be very proud of your DC.

53 here. Career took off in my 40s. Only what I want to do is my creative side hustle full time but we can't afford it and the rise of AI makes it even riskier to try. Mortgage still needs to be paid, pension needs to get to a reasonable state, DC need support.

The reality is that on the surface it all looks great but I am close to burning out. My commute is long, last year was very stressful with me as sole breadwinner and I now have breast cancer. I am not just not on HRT but on oestrogen blockers so double whammy having gone through a horrific peri in my 40s. I can't sleep. Trying to take it one day at a time but this is not how I envisioned the uni and beyond years.

I've already got front and back prolapses, but not enough to operate. I'm worried the whole tent will fall out...

Also most of my friends who have had hysterectomies seem to have just given up on sex completely!!!!

I think for me it's having LOST that part of my life due to long-term conditions and injuries. I do as much as I can but now I have to pay for physio all the time to keep active. It's so expensive! It's like keeping an old banger on the road: possible but expensive and bits keep getting worse. I used to be a sportscar...

Absolutely!! Even stuff like my joints suddenly starting to ache again after the surge has passed!

HRT should be replacing this lack of oestrogen, but it's currently not really working it seems. I was on the patches but they seemed to stop working, had a blood test and my oestrogen was low. Went on the gel and soon started to feel sub- par again. I've had another blood test and I'm seeing the GP next week to discuss results. If it turns out I'm not absorbing the gel, we will consider oral oestrogen.