To give my daughter meals she probably won’t like?

[jey91]

My 4 year old DD is probably what’s labeled an extreme picky eater (but I don’t think arfid). She has always been a very picky eater despite my best efforts to do everything by the book. I tried my best not to pressure her, introduced a wide variety of food, always ate with her etc.

I have been generally feeding her meals I know she likes but encouraging her to try new foods which she very rarely does. There are some foods she will eat with no pressure (eg pasta where I can hide some veggies) and some foods she would only eat with the tv on and if I feed her. I know this isn’t good but I figured it’s better she has exposure to the food. Now that she’s turned 4 I’m getting really worried and fed up of it so I’m making her meals that o know she may not like and telling her she won’t be getting anything different until the next mealtime.

my issue is that it’s leading to huge meltdowns when she is hungry and doesn’t want what I’ve cooked. I stand my ground but it’s extremely difficult and stressful. For example, yesterday I gave her favourite pasta but I mixed in some meatballs. She refused to eat it and kept asking for snacks then after about an hour it turned into a total meltdown before eventually she agreed to have a few bites but she was hysterically crying for a long time before this. Before bed she was very hungry so I gave her a banana. Today was a similar situation where she kept asking for something else before having a total meltdown.

sorry this post is long but I want to know if anyone else has had similar experiences and if my approach is causing unnecessary distress for us all? I hired a feeding therapist about 18 months ago and it was no help at all. None of the standard tricks work with her as I feel there’s a strong sensory element. She gets very upset at new foods. I know all parents want their kids to eat healthy but I absolutely love cooking and baking, I’m a SAHM and spend my days making her and my 18mo meals and snacks that I think are healthy and it’s making life really difficult having to make 2/3 meals

Try to always have something safe she will eat on the plate. So yes the pasta, rather than mix the meatballs in put them in the side, put other bits she may or may not eat (1 of each) and let her get on with it.
No reactions just a have you finished at the end of the meal.
If she's hungry she will struggle so always having 1 or 2 safe foods should ensures she does eat something every mealtime.
Get her really involved with cooking & serving the meal, and suggesting the menu, these things can really encourage eating too.

There was a thread on here recently called “fussy eating five-year-old…at my wits end“, which was posted by someone with similar issues and a number of us shared our experience. Unfortunately many of us with older children who have experienced this are doing things like a separate meals or catering in some different way. Because the absolute core advice you receive is not to make food to battleground, which it very much is for you at the moment. So annoying as it is to cater differently for it’s really important that she is able to eat something she is comfortable with if it is within healthy bounds etc. Anyway, check out that thread, as it will have a lot of people sharing experience in response to a similar question to yours.

Have you posted about this before?
Sounds familiar.
Anyway please stop causing unnecessary distress to your daughter. If this is for real.
You must know that withholding food and demanding that she eat certain types of food and all the upset you are causing her is the way to start a life long eating disorder.
As well as being cruel.

I did this with my stepson. If I could go back and slap myself I would

I honestly really believe it’s down to luck whether you end up with a fussy or restrictive eater, and little to do with parenting. Most very ‘fussy’ eaters I know have underlying ND issues, also know multiple parents who have a very restrictive eater but their other children eat anything and everything.

My daughter is similar and I've found insisting she tries things she doesn't feel able to is worse long run. My daughter is also underweight so I've had to prioritse meals she will eat.
I also think my daughter's is sensory and she is currently having weekly play therapy with ot about eating, textures etc. it's early days so not much difference yet.
I think keeping mealtimes peaceful and ensuring she eats something is always a priority.

I was alway an incredibly fussy eater - I’m still not great. My mum is a great cook, and I’ve got two siblings who’ll eat anything.

My advice is do not make food an issue. At about 8 I got so stressed about food I basically stopped eating all together, and actually lost a large amount of weight.
Serve something she likes, put something new on the side, and then do not comment. Even if she eats it all, resist the urge to praise. Give “pudding” (some fruit or plain yoghurt etc) at the same time as the main course. So maybe her plate will be some pasta she likes, something new like the meatballs next to it, and a banana.

Give her a multivitamin so you can be a bit happier that she’s getting some vitamins - yes a nice balanced diet is a better source, but she doesn’t have that so give a vitamin.

Getting her involved in cooking is a good idea. It might not work, I cook things all the time for my DDs that I’m not prepared to eat myself - I just want them to eat more than I do!

Thank you so much for your comments. I have tried the whole 1 or 2 safe foods for years and getting her involved in cooking but it hasn’t worked.

I’m really not trying to be mean or cruel to her and it breaks my heart to see her cry but I don’t know what else to do? I don’t restrict food but I just say this is what’s on the menu tonight, I can’t make anything else for now until snack time later.

if this isn’t right then what should I do? Just ride it out?

I have considered ND but I think she’s still too young and doesn’t show any other signs really

Don’t make meal times a battlefield.

if you enjoy cooking then take pride in creating meals that include something for everyone not ones where everyone has to like all of it.

i still remember being forced to eat food I didn’t like as a child either by not being allowed to the leave table, foregoing pudding or having to eat it for breakfast. I’m 55 and it still comes up in conversation with my mother 50 years later - I have never forgotten.

Make mealtimes a happy time - provide choice and variety but also respect another human beings preferences. She won’t die from a lack of meatballs.

I would turn the TV off, it won’t be helping. I had one fussy eater and one amazing eater. I cooked the same meal for the whole family but let them have things like plain natural yoghurt if they weren’t able to finish everything. Look for a bridge from each food they will eat to something similar to expand their range. For example, if they eat courgettes, make courgette risotto and once that’s accepted as standard make the risotto with courgettes and peas.

This is so helpful. Thank you

I sometimes had the battle, for instance if she eats bolognese, then I’d battle over meatballs as it’s pretty much the same! And I always insisted upon trying 3 big mouthfuls as often when they’d done that, they did like it after all.

I don’t think they should be made to eat it it they don’t like it, but they should also give everything a good go. Having some battles with toddlers/younger children, pays dividends when they’re older. You are the parent, you have to enforce things from time to time.

Eating is restricted due to sensory issues so severe you are asking for help on a parenting forum and you hired a professional who couldn’t resolve them. Yet you don't think it’s ARFID?
It’s clearly ARFID!

The professional didn’t think it was arfid. She doesn’t have weight issues or anxiety around food, she always has interest in eating as long as it’s something she likes.

Years?

She’s only 4!

I should also add my partner is incredibly ‘discerning’ when it comes to food and whole food groups are out of bounds for him. His mother was apparently ‘a feeder’ and he struggled with his weight as a child. There are still some food smells that will make him gag, so think about how important it is for you to force your will on your child.

Vitamins is a good idea and if you can get them to drink milk, as mine still does, all the better.

You can’t win this battle, so don’t have it. As others have said put out what she will eat, eg plain pasta with perhaps some sauce/meatballs/ cheese alongside. Don’t comment on what she’s eating, don’t pressure her in any way.

It is good you enjoy cooking, but it’s not any reflection on you her not eating it! See if she’s interested in helping, but don’t push it.

The less fuss you make, the less stressed you’ll both be, and the more likely she is to try new things. Mealtimes should be enjoyed not dreaded.

I am sure she’ll get there, in her own time.

Did you actually put the meatballs in her pasta? I would personally of put them at the side of her plate. Give her 2-3 things she likes plus a new food to try. Don’t let the new food touch the preferred food. Just keep trying and praise any effort to try something new. She’s never going to eat a plate of something she hates. You’re just going to introduce a food complex.

I think you have gone a bit too far if you're having such reactions from her. Every toddlers I know is fussy, one way or another.
We have tantrums too at times with our kids (2 and 4), and sometimes they skip lunch/dinner, but they don't go hungry.

There are some points we would not negotiate, like they have to eat their vegetables, and they have to try the new foods. Otherwise, no dessert.
For the veg, there would be at least 1 we know they'll eat. It was a battle with both around 2yo, but after a few months it sinks in and there is very little fuss about it now.
Once they've tried the new food, we don't force them to eat more if they don't want to.

They have yogurt and fruits as standard for dessert, so even if they don't like the main we know they aren't hungry.

And we only introduced meals we know they are unlikely to eat (e.g. soup) when we know they've eaten well that day. So for instance if they've had a big breakfast, we might use the opportunity to do something a bit risky for lunch, knowing it might be one of those they refuse to try, so don't eat. We stick to the rules, but will do something we know they'll like for dinner.

What will she eat willingly ie without you feeding her? What sort of things does she demand when she doesnt eat a meal? Does she eat anywhere else other than home (childcare, school?)
My DD ate 8 different things for nearly 2 years. I saw the GP who said that the things she would eat were perfectly balanced nutritionally ,if boring, and to stop worrying. She grew up into a young woman with a very adventurous palate.

My Dd was a fussy eater and as a teenager is a million times better. I know 10 years is a long time to wait but it does get better. I often found that dinner was the worst meal of the day as everyone tired and a bit past it. I tried to give big breakfasts and lunch and then knew not to sweat it if she didn’t eat too much at dinner time.
Like others said there was always one thing in the plate that she liked (usually a carb) and whilst I’d despair at her not eating the chicken / meat I knew that should be enough to fill her up.
I also cooked seperate meals which is a big mumsnet no no. We had a pretty small lists of things that she would eat and a week is quite a long time in a four year olds life and if she wanted to have spag Bol every week then who was I to complain. I don’t want that every week though so would cook batches for her and freeze it and something else for me and DH.
When she got a bit older she know one night a week was mums choice and it was going to be something she thought she didn’t like or hadn’t tried before just so she knew that she did need to keep trying new things.
We stopped pudding / yoghurt / fruit after tea as that became part of the battle - “just eat that bit and you can get a yoghurt”.
Milk at bedtime (often a bigger glass if she had t eaten much).

My second was a very fussy aged 4. I was (still am really!) a fussy eater and it’s mainly a texture thing for me, but I expanded as a teen and tried more and more. I just adapted meals for DD2 where possible and where not, cooked two meals - usually something like an omelette and refused to have meals as a battleground. She is now much better, something started to change around 7 and apart from vegetables and mashed potato, she’ll eat most things or at least try them. I was similar, but I ended up going hungry and it’s led to having to deal with disordered eating e.g. binging when I got the chance as I didn’t know when I’d next eat properly so to speak. She’ll get there.

My DD was extremely fussy, still is as a late teen, but way better and more adventurous. I just made her what I knew she’d eat, even when we had multiple meals as a family (we perfected the base dish with 3 different options method 😁). I did worry about nutrition but she is now a tall sporty, healthy girl, so it seems to have worked out ok. She is ND so I know now a lot of it is sensory.

I’d say feed her what she’ll eat, give her a multivitamin and assuming she is growing and healthy don’t worry too much (easy for me to say now lol)

Are you saying she'll only eat plain pasta? I'm a bit confused. If she'll only eat plain pasta then I understand your dilemma

I dont agree with making her cry and allowing her to cry over food. That's cruel

But if the only thing she'll eat is plain pasta, then you need assistance from a professional (obviously not the professional you've already tried)

She likes pasta so I make her a couple of pastas with hidden veg (eg monster pasta with hidden spinach) but this is hit and miss. She likes pizza, chips, rice, garlic bread, chicken sometimes, meatballs sometimes, some fruit. She’s better with breakfast as she will have porridge or Greek yoghurt. At nursery she has to have packed lunches and it’s a massive struggle. There are only 2 sandwiches she will eat

I feel like I constantly undergo same battle with my 3 year old and have gone back and forth. But then realised she was very adventurous in nursery and basically ate whatever was put in front of her. She would refuse beans on toast at home but happily eat 5 bean stew on its first appearance at nursery!

So I went hardline, that she is served the exact same dinner as us, though they are pretty standard family friendly stuff. But we do always include something she really likes and never plate it for her, she helps herself. After initial refusal she has become adventurous again, and repeat exposure to some new foods is finally paying off. But she was never offered an alternative meal and actually she has become more adventurous and meal times are more relaxed.