To give my daughter meals she probably won’t like?

[jey91]

My 4 year old DD is probably what’s labeled an extreme picky eater (but I don’t think arfid). She has always been a very picky eater despite my best efforts to do everything by the book. I tried my best not to pressure her, introduced a wide variety of food, always ate with her etc.

I have been generally feeding her meals I know she likes but encouraging her to try new foods which she very rarely does. There are some foods she will eat with no pressure (eg pasta where I can hide some veggies) and some foods she would only eat with the tv on and if I feed her. I know this isn’t good but I figured it’s better she has exposure to the food. Now that she’s turned 4 I’m getting really worried and fed up of it so I’m making her meals that o know she may not like and telling her she won’t be getting anything different until the next mealtime.

my issue is that it’s leading to huge meltdowns when she is hungry and doesn’t want what I’ve cooked. I stand my ground but it’s extremely difficult and stressful. For example, yesterday I gave her favourite pasta but I mixed in some meatballs. She refused to eat it and kept asking for snacks then after about an hour it turned into a total meltdown before eventually she agreed to have a few bites but she was hysterically crying for a long time before this. Before bed she was very hungry so I gave her a banana. Today was a similar situation where she kept asking for something else before having a total meltdown.

sorry this post is long but I want to know if anyone else has had similar experiences and if my approach is causing unnecessary distress for us all? I hired a feeding therapist about 18 months ago and it was no help at all. None of the standard tricks work with her as I feel there’s a strong sensory element. She gets very upset at new foods. I know all parents want their kids to eat healthy but I absolutely love cooking and baking, I’m a SAHM and spend my days making her and my 18mo meals and snacks that I think are healthy and it’s making life really difficult having to make 2/3 meals

I don't think it's a good idea to mix other foods in with her safe foods. If she always eats pasta and sometimes eats meatballs, why not put the meatballs on the side?

I'm autistic and had a very restricted diet as a child. My parents tried the usual strategies of sneaking in veg etc and it actually made the situation worse because then the 'safe' food tasted wrong and wasn't safe anymore - so I stopped eating it. I had a lot of texture issues and problems with foods mixing - so I could eat baked beans from a tin but if they were on a plate and the sauce got on other foods then I wouldn't eat them.

As an adult I'm still 'picky' compared to most people and I still dislike sauces and dressings, but I eat a wide range of plain vegetables and a generally healthy diet. Pressuring or trying to force me to eat was always counterproductive, and I really only started eating more as a teenager when I'd choose, buy and prepare the new food, so if I didn't like it and threw it away, nobody else was going to be disappointed or angry with me.

Based on that I'd try taking all the emotion out of it. Make sure there's at least one safe food per meal. Offer other foods alongside them (not mixed in!) but don't make a big deal out of eating or not eating them. Don't expect immediate results.

My dd was similar to yours OP. My dd is not diagnosed ND. She did lose weight from her picky eating - at her worst age 10 she was 75th percentile height, but only 5th percentile weight. Mostly I was able to keep her stable around 15th percentile weight. I resisted the temptation to weigh her too often because I didn’t want her to obsess about it.

Luckily for us the limited list foods dd decided to accept were mostly healthy - she ate a lot of vegetables (but no fruit) so I was lucky I could still feel “good” about her picky eating.

Her list of foods would also change - she’d suddenly drop toast for breakfast, but decide she loved porridge with stewed apple, then that became inedible and she’d only eat yoghurt and so on. This went on for years and I mostly rolled with the punches.

I did provide snacks when she simply could not eat what I offered. Yes, I found it very very frustrating. But I chose to see it as her being unable to eat, not being rebellious and refusing to eat. I would have semi-healthy snacks - rice cakes were very popular - and in due course she would sometimes accept grated cheese on crackers (although now she says she hates crackers) or grapes and apples. But inevitably she ate more biscuits and chocolate than I’d have liked.

I doubted she would ever really expand her food horizons but as a tween she did agree to try some new foods. And right now she is very broad minded and will at least try almost everything I offer her. Last weekend, age 15, she ate out in an Indian restaurant for the first time in her life!

I am so proud of her because I think we were only a few steps away from a serious eating disorder at a couple of points in time. But she has figured it out it all by herself now.

I do think it’s about dc feeling in control, and the fear of putting something in your mouth and worrying you won’t enjoy the flavour or texture.

So be patient you might be waiting many years to see this problem resolve itself.

Op,

she is four. This is an age when many many children restrict what they eat after having been very open to new tastes as a baby.

your child is (reasonably) developmentally normal.

advice:
give her a daily multivitamin.
try some deconstructed meals. So eg instead of giving her pasta with a sauce, put plain pasta on everyone’s plate and put out the tomato sauce and separately some roasted vegetables. Children like to have control over what they eat, and she will eat the plain pasta at minimum.

try exploring different food with her - eg have a German week where you all try new food and talk about what it tastes like.
try make your own pizza, or make your own fajitas.
this gives the opportunity to try different cheeses and toppings.

if you fight your child over food you will lose. They ultimately do control what they eat and you picking fights about it will not change that. Depending on how stubborn she is she may well be happy to go hungry for several meals rather than give control to you - I certainly was and it pissed my mother off no end (and meant I was underweight well into my teens).

OP I think your idea of success is to get her to eat what you want her to eat, when the real success is just getting her to eat.

She should not be refused food because she isn't cooperating. She's a young child. She is using the only power she has to express what she needs. Listen to her and let go of control over her diet. You don't need it. Concern yourself with her health and her relationship with food before you traumatize her permanently.

Some picky eaters get over it with a little push. Many don't. The pushing makes it worse. Listen to the LITERAL DOCTOR who answered your question.

Put what she will eat on her plate. Put other stuff out to help herself too, may be one day she will try the new foods.

Especially if it’s fancy so some dips and fruits that sort of thing. breadsticks, and so on.

do NOT mix an ‘unsafe’ food with the pasta for example. I now know I’m nd (in my 50s) , I eat loads of foods but like things in a certain way.

My dc (I don’t think is nd but reading this sounds like dc also is) at that age everything had to be not touching on the plate if that makes sense. Wouldn’t eat sandwiches at school as filling was touching. School were really difficult about it with me, I tried to explain. All the things on the plate or wrapped separately it would all be eaten.

What I would do with mine (for example in this scenario) would be to give her a bowl of plain pasta and then an incredibly small bowl of pasta with meatballs mixed in alongside it and say that I'd really appreciate it she can try a tiny bit - and no pressure and fuss at all. Mine (also 4) doesn't eat as varied food as would be convenient for me, but I'm viewing this as a very long-term journey! I had a win recently where I very slowly introduced her to chili con carne. First a very small amount of rice... Then small amount of rice and chili... Then introduced some tortilla chips to dip in the chili, etc. etc. She'll now eat it happily, horray! (I'm sure this could change tomorrow :) I really like food, hate food waste and cooking multiple meals, so I try and plan so I can sit with my 4 year old and 18 month old when they eat (something simple like sweet potato wedges, chicken and broccoli), and then later I can make fajitas for me and my husband with the cooked chicken because i like flavour! I think your DD eats a more varied diet than many other children and if you go more gentle with your approach to broaden her diet (like having fun cooking with her - mine eats pesto salmon now because I got her to make it so many times), you're much more likely to succeed.

She’s 4. This is an age where it’s common to be fussy with food, but also not have the full vocabulary to explain exactly what the issue is.

Food being a battle ground isn’t a good place for either of you so try and step back a bit and calm things down.

The main safe food on the plate should never have things mixed in - even if they’ve had it before. There should always be something, like the pasta, you know she’ll eat.

Self serving add ons is a great way to help as well. I had two extremely fussy girls and they were 10/11 before they could properly explain their sensory food issues. Having self service add ons meant sometimes one had a mountain of peas and the other a small spoonful of carrots and corn, but it took the battle out of mealtimes. They were more willing to try things when they knew they could have a tiny spoonful on their plates. It also helped them, and me, realise the combinations that worked and didn’t work for them.

I have terrible food issues because of my parents and their strictness. I can still remember the feeling of being hungry because it was that meal or nothing and I really really couldn’t eat it. I have really vivid memories of that despite the fact I was removed from their care when I was 5.

Give her a vitamin.
Never contaminate the hidden veg sauce - that is a brilliant thing to be able to get into her.
(maybe consider using it as a pizza sauce with bases if she’ll try that.)

This was me as a child. Mealtimes became a battlefield and I developed an eating disorder as a young adult. I still don’t eat some of the foods my mother tried every means possible to make me eat.

@Clinpsyc 's post is spot on.

Re: control. One thing that helped me massively when fussy ds was this age was to get a blackboard in the kitchen and write up a meal plan. We would sit as a family and all choose something each week, so the kids felt they had some control (actually, I was probably planning on doing those meals anyway). So DS could see pasta was on there twice and chicken goujons were on there...so he would relax knowing he'd had a say/knew what was coming.

He would still sulk on other days (and I'd always have leftover pasta/toast/fruit etc for him) but we would say "it's daddy's/mummy's choice today - it's your turn tomorrow look?".

He's 12 now and his eating is so so SO much better. Age 4 is tough. It's peak "fussy eating" I'd say (I never used to call him that in front of him btw; self-fulfilling prophecy and all that). I would just say he's particular !

Hang on in there. Stay calm and relaxed around mealtimes cos they pick up on all the worry, too.

That sounds like torture to me. I stopped eating meat when I was a very young child. If I’d have been given pasta p, a safe food p, with that mixed in I would have been sick, I still would as an adult.

and then telling them there’s nothing else until later.

all sounds like stuff my parents did in the 70s. Now I’m in my 50s I only really feel comfortably eating food if I’ve prepared it.

It’s all linked to my childhood and mealtimes.

We have a selective eater. Do not turn it into a battle. Give her safe foods that she will eat. Do not overwhelm her with foods that freak her out. Do not believe the people that tell you they will grow out of it....10yrs and counting....

ETA we get ours to take an organic multivitamin, we have to be careful what flavour or she'll not eat it. It's a chewy bear from Garden of Life, highly recommend, to make sure she's getting the nutrients she needs.

Read ‘my child won’t eat’ by Carlos Gonzales. It really helped me psychologically.

Thanks for this. I had always been told and read that if you make alternatives as soon as they refuse food, you’re teaching them that you will always do that which obviously isn’t practical. But equally I accept that if she does have sensory issues it isn’t something she CAN eat and this thread is really opening my eyes to that. I’ve received so much conflicting advice before this

Both mine were like this. I just fed them what they were happy to eat and avoided a battle.
But one thing I absolutely insisted on was school dinners, as there was generally always something they would eat, and it opened their eyes to new foods - and saw their peers eating said food!

Now they are 9 and 11, and only very recently has the older one started to become a bit more adventurous. But he is getting there! It's a long haul but stick with it.

Oops I meant to quote this

Honestly this sounds fine. Just stop trying to ruin her safe food by hiding other stuff in it. You’re creating trust issues doing this and she will then go further into the cycle of limiting even her safe foods.

have sharing plates for anything not safe in the middle for her to help herself.

my daughter was picky age 2-7 but slowly started to introduce new foods at 8 and now at 10 will generally try anything even if she doesn’t eat it again

This is the DSM-5 diagnostic criteria for ARFID- in case you want to check if she fits

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519712/table/ch3.t18/

This post broke my heart, I want to cry for your daughter. When my mum would come home from work I would often be sitting in front of a cold dinner. My nan insisting I eat . My mum would throw it in the bin. Same at nursery school. I would often be sitting at the lunch table with a cold meal in front of me.

I have 3 children my eldest is just like me. In addition,I have 8 grandchildren, 3 of the girls (cousins ) are the same. My eldest granddaughter, when we went out would be so overwhelmed if we went for a restaurant meal she would be in tears before the meal was served. So we would always take a packed meal for her. This is a very real situation and I don’t think you are handling it well.

i cannot bear to think of the trauma your daughter goes through at l meal times.

It’s worth as well thinking of meal times in vocabulary terms.

At 2 my DD chucked food she didn’t like and screamed.
At 4 she said “don’t like it” and refused to eat it.
At 8/9/10 she was able to explain that with well sweetcorn she didn’t like the texture of it popping in your mouth. she could explain that she didn’t mind (although didn’t love) mushrooms if they had a thick sauce coating them, but the texture made her queasy if they were on their own or in a thin sauce. That she enjoyed roasted carrot but the squishiness of boiled carrots make her stomach turn. She could also explain that pasta isn’t just pasta because macaroni is a smooth texture but the ridges on penne made her shudder.

Your DD doesn’t eat a horrendous range of things so that’s good. Try and see the positives in that. I have a friend whose DS would only eat plain pasta, dry toast or a very specific yogurt. For over a year. He eats much better now that he can explain what he does and doesn’t like, and why.

I don’t think you read my post. I never ever insist she eats anything she doesn’t want. I give her a meal, if she doesn’t want it I say that’s fine you don’t have to eat it. I then later on will give her snacks before bed, but I do not make her alternatives every time she refusss something. I would never allow my daughter to go to bed hungry.

This is so helpful thank you

Yes.

I have an adult child with ARFID.

My other three children eat anything.

It isn't your parenting.

Also, your child may not be ND. Not all people with ARFID are. My son is, but your daughter may not be.

Stop making this into such a battle. Calm down and don't upset your little girl all the time.

My son lives on HUEL these days, and he'll eat chips and vegan burgers too.

If she’s ND she may hate food being mixed. Both my kids are, we’ve learnt what they will and won’t eat, so just made that work. DS is AuDHD and only eats carrots, broccoli and PASSATA tomatoes, but that dine as we work them into his meals alongside small amounts of fresh orange juice and baked beans. We blend in other stuff like frozen chopped spinach cubes into pasta sauces … food is something we work together with both our ND children to ensure it’s never a meltdown or even an issue, if they eat enough plus snacks then that’s a good day, we rarely have bad days and if we do we don’t make a big thing of it - good luck

I’ve always made sure at mealtimes there is food DD2 will eat and uncontaminated by anything new e.g. plain pasta on the side. I always have frozen veg so very easy to give her veg she’ll eat and if she really won’t eat the protein. I just give her a couple of slices of chicken or cheese or something like that. If she’s not hungry and I know it’s a safe food, then the response is fine, you can have it later when you’re hungry and just take it away and reheat later.

We also don’t really have snacks in the house - if you’re hungry, there’s fruit or yogurt or make yourself something e.g. toast, cheese and crackers etc. so I’m not too fussed if they want something later.
I’ve usually baked but the DC prefer to keep that to take to school. (No problem with them eating biscuits and chocolate it just means they have to walk to the shop which is less than a 5 minute walk away.)

You’ve had some good advice here and I too think that if you stop the battle, it will improve in time. If she’s eating yoghurt and fruit for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch and then things like pasta and chicken for dinner, I’d say that’s pretty ok. Keep smuggling in veg and other vitamin sources whenever you can but otherwise if she’s healthy and a good weight, just ride it out.

We had a fussy eater in our family and she went through a phase of eating dry cereal for breakfast (no milk!!), sandwiches and then for dinner it was chicken nuggets or pizza. We would eat healthily in front of her and say to each other stuff like ‘this broccoli is SO good’. I remember the first time she noticed and reached out to ask for some - could have jumped up and down on the spot. She’s now a very happy eater who’ll munch on most things.

Pursue positivity all the way and save yourselves the heartache of a food battle.