To give my daughter meals she probably won’t like?

[jey91]

My 4 year old DD is probably what’s labeled an extreme picky eater (but I don’t think arfid). She has always been a very picky eater despite my best efforts to do everything by the book. I tried my best not to pressure her, introduced a wide variety of food, always ate with her etc.

I have been generally feeding her meals I know she likes but encouraging her to try new foods which she very rarely does. There are some foods she will eat with no pressure (eg pasta where I can hide some veggies) and some foods she would only eat with the tv on and if I feed her. I know this isn’t good but I figured it’s better she has exposure to the food. Now that she’s turned 4 I’m getting really worried and fed up of it so I’m making her meals that o know she may not like and telling her she won’t be getting anything different until the next mealtime.

my issue is that it’s leading to huge meltdowns when she is hungry and doesn’t want what I’ve cooked. I stand my ground but it’s extremely difficult and stressful. For example, yesterday I gave her favourite pasta but I mixed in some meatballs. She refused to eat it and kept asking for snacks then after about an hour it turned into a total meltdown before eventually she agreed to have a few bites but she was hysterically crying for a long time before this. Before bed she was very hungry so I gave her a banana. Today was a similar situation where she kept asking for something else before having a total meltdown.

sorry this post is long but I want to know if anyone else has had similar experiences and if my approach is causing unnecessary distress for us all? I hired a feeding therapist about 18 months ago and it was no help at all. None of the standard tricks work with her as I feel there’s a strong sensory element. She gets very upset at new foods. I know all parents want their kids to eat healthy but I absolutely love cooking and baking, I’m a SAHM and spend my days making her and my 18mo meals and snacks that I think are healthy and it’s making life really difficult having to make 2/3 meals

Thank you for this, I really appreciate you sharing the experience as I obviously want to avoid her having any kind of disordered eating. To be clear I don’t think I’ve been restricting food. I just say to her this is dinner, if you don’t want it you don’t have to eat it. This leads to a meltdown because she wants snacks, surely I shouldn’t then give her a snack? So where does it become restricting her food?

Hi OP,

im a clinical psychologist and I specialise in working with children (including ND children). I often run clinics with paediatricians and we often see young ones who aren’t eating much. She’s still very young, I would recommend easing off. If she’s healthy and gaining weight you’re doing well and need to view what you are doing as successful, it’s not about getting her to eat like an adult does, she will get there / things will improve naturally over time. As professionals when we say it will get better I’m thinking quite a lot further down the line than her current age. The problem with food is that it is pretty much the only thing a child has control over themselves and when parents begin to try and take over that the child is most likely to dig in, create aversions and meal times will escalate. You don’t want to see your child this distressed over food, it will turn in to a power struggle and you just can’t win. And honestly, if she is neurodiverse and this is a sensory issue, it could become really quite traumatic and safe foods might become more restricted.

what we recommend is things you’ve probably already heard- low pressure, continue to offer new things or less preferred alongside safe fooods. Never take away pudding as a consequence. Reassure her that she can just eat what she likes on the plate. Talk about the colours. Take her to the supermarket and ask her to pick one thing for everyone to try (as a regular routine), but then don’t pressure her to actually try it , that will come in time. Food and mealtimes are positive experiences.

Ialso spend quite a lot of time working with families about what their expectations are, as it seems that you feel what you’re doing isn’t working - it is working though, she is healthy (I am assuming). If she’s losing weight and dropping centiles that is different but you would need to be under paeds / psychology and dietician if that was happening - so if that is happening you need to see your GP.

She's four. It hasn't 'worked' because she's still a small child, she's still in development. This is not the final product.

Carry on offering her new foods alongside safe foods. There is no benefit to anyone in this ridiculous new approach you are taking.

I have two children who on the whole don’t eat too badly, but both can be funny about certain things, and tbh I just let them.
I remember vividly, being sat at the table at my grandparents for HOURS being made to eat something that even the smell made me gag, until my mum picked me up and WW3 erupted.
I was extremely restrictive around food as a young child, and my parents very much just fed me what I liked because they believed a fed child is what is most important.
As an adult, I eat most things (aside from mushrooms and shellfish- demon food) but this happened on my own, organically as I got older with no pressure from anyone.
Its a tricky phase but it will pass.
My two have their ‘safe’ meals; and these I don’t mess with because I know it’s something that will always be eaten. I may offer something new alongside it, but make it a non event. It’s not mentioned if eaten or not. Gradually, we probably have 15 or so meals we rotate - if it’s something one likes, but not the other.. well, no one has died from a jacket potato with beans, so I’ll just make them something quick and simple.
It won’t be forever.

Anyone who advises you to do what you are doing (ie give a fussy child food that you know they won’t eat on the basis that ‘they will eat when they are hungry enough’) has NOT experienced a genuinely fussy child. It has nothing to do with parenting and just depends on the individual child - I had two boys who ate everything and then my daughter who had an exclusive repertoire of sausages, fishfingers and pizza until she was about 10. I think she had sensory issues around food, couldn’t stand pasta for instance and once had a meltdown on the M25 over a Malteser (!!) which nearly forced me to pull over on the hard shoulder. She would have rather gone without food altogether than eat one of the foods on her ‘nope’ list. And I tried to accept this on the basis that certain foods, eg pasta, which seemed normal to me were clearly for some reason revolting to her, in the same way that if someone told me I had to eat eg pigs trotters for dinner, I would rather go to bed hungry. For years I simply made her a separate meal of whatever she would eat and put no pressure on her to eat other things. They were always available (and her brothers would try and get her to eat) but never forced it. Suddenly after moving to secondary school she decided herself to start trying more things and now eats all sorts (even things like sushi) and completely normally. Not saying that every child will be the same but you absolutely cannot force them to eat, and as others have said making food a battleground is only going to lead to eating disorders.

Keep feeding her what she likes and adding food that is not on the safe list as an option to taste. 4 is still so little and it will probably take her years to get more adventurous, but forcing her to have things she hates isn't going to make her like it. I find mine are more likely to est veg we have grown, so give that a go if you have a garden. If you don't, things like cress or pea shoots grow fine on a windowsill.

Does she eat chipolatas, fish cakes, fishfingers, oven chips, baked beans?

Honestly apart from other meals we had the above a few times a week and as long as she’s eating I don’t think it’s a huge issue. Maybe she can help you make the pizza. You could try introducing things gradually eg a mild chicken curry. If she eats it great, if not try something else. Worst thing to do is to create issues around food.

Strongly advise solid starts articles and tips about reversing picky eating. I tried a lot of this and it has been very effective with my DSS who was extremely fussy and would only eat familiar foods that he liked. He now eats salmon, pesto, broccoli and carrots and a variety of things I never thought he would, though he still won’t touch fruit. There is a sensory element but if he’s hungry enough he will be willing to eat a lot more of things he’s less sure of so that helps.

I know they say not to restrict pudding but he would have never eaten veg if I had stuck with that. He’s 11 now so not a little child, so I moved toward the rule I have with my little one that is just that they need to eat a reasonable amount of what is on offer (veg, carb, protein) to have pudding, unless it’s something new. If it’s new they just have to give it a go and they can still have pudding.

i have always given the option to my other kids (who eat fruit) to have a banana if they don’t want dinner. They can’t choose anything else but will offer a banana as it’s quite filling and they won’t choose it instead of dinner unless they genuinely don’t fancy the dinner.

The thing with this is, you can’t enforce it. You can’t actually make a child try something without resorting to physical force. I was cajoled, I was bribed, I was begged, I was shouted at, I wasn’t eating something I didn’t want.
So what do you do? Say “you can’t get down until you’ve eaten it”? I’d have sat there all night. Threaten some other punishment (no tv, or whatever)? I’d have taken it.
I wanted to eat. I could not force down something I didn’t want. I found the whole thing completely and horrendously distressing.

I would turn off the tv. Always have a safe food for her that she can definitely eat. (Not mixed in with anything) aswell as whatever meal is on offer that evening. Have you been referred to NHS paeds ? Sounds like she needs specialist input aswell.
start vitamin drops.

Honestly I’ve always gone with offer at least one non contaminated food item with other food items.

I have a mixture of fussiness between my three which does mean at times different meals but as they have gotten older they have all widened what they eat.

I was / am also fussy. I won’t eat any kind of pea or bean, mash potatoes has to either be proper rustic or smooth as ice cream no in between. Not smooth ish with some lumps. Though as I continue to age I slowly eat more and more foods. At one point I never ate cheese, mayo or any kind of fish.

Poor little thing is only 4. Just give her what she likes and wait for her to show interest. It's not like you are giving her McDonalds every day, you've got some perfectly good stuff in there. By focusing so much on food it will create issues as she gets older.

There will be times that she wants what you have on your plate so you have the 'new' stuff that you want her to try. Don't make a deal about whether you think she'll like it or not, just let her try it without telling her what it is.

This is not a hill you want to die on. Just let her discover things for herself.

What you’re describing isn’t what the OP has described. There’s a difference between fussiness and toddlers asserting themselves and what you’ve described which is very extreme.

when it’s a battle of the wills and a preference for safe but unhealthy beige foods, I think it’s worth the battle. Needless to say, I’m not suggesting the OP force feeds her child! I absolutely threatened removing benefits, tried bribery, no getting down etc. It worked for me.

Been through this but I had a no separate meal policy, everyone eats at the table and no tv. Yes we had battles but it improved over time and by the early teens she ate most veggies, sauces etc which if you had known her at 5 you may have said she had afrid. Lots a patience, huge amounts of bribery and adults followed the same rules

I really appreciate these replies. But I think maybe there’s a misunderstanding. I never ever force her to eat anything but I sometimes pressure her to try even just the tiniest bite or smell. If I can see she hates it I let her spit it out. For the past 2 days I have cooked things that I know she’s never eaten with things she eats sometimes with a distraction like tv (eg meatballs or chicken) but without any tv on. In this case she’s had a meltdown and said she wants snacks. I obviously don’t want to be cruel and create issues around food so what should I do? Just give her the snack or make something different? Or hold out and say you can have a snack before bed (which is what I’ve been doing)

Lots of people have already told you what you should do; give her food that you know she likes. Don’t try to mix it up with things she either doesn’t like or that is new. Give her what she likes. It’s really very simple. Then provide other options at the table but allow her to decide if she wants to try them.

i mean, really, imagine if someone was going this to you - knowing what you liked and didn’t like and then purposefully mixing it up with things you didn’t like? That’s some bizarre psychological torture going on there.

As the lady up thread said, what they put in their mouths is one of the few things a child can control - give her that.

This is very kind of you. Thank you. What do I do when she refuses what she usually eats and just asks for snacks or gets upset?

You are restricting her food if you are giving her food you know she won’t eat and nothing else.

I think calling it bizarre psychological torture is a bit harsh? All I did was mix meatballs (which she sometimes eats) into a pasta I know she likes? And when she refused to eat it I said she doesn’t have to but I won’t be making anything else until later

I said “may not eat”, not “won’t eat”

But I don’t think what OP has described is a battle of wills. She’s talked about suspecting sensory issues, and no progress at all despite trying all the usual advice.

My DD was similar at that age... I remember distinctly a phase when all she would eat at dinner was pasta & broccoli.
So I made sure she had this on her plate alongside the other food.

Another issue might not be the actual food, but the temperature. When DD was 5/6 I had baby DS and would just leave tidying the table for after the DC were in bed. DD was still fussy and would only eat small amounts of food with us at the dinner table. So her plate had plenty of food still on it when we finished eating. While I was busy with the baby, DD would go back to the dinner table and eat her now cold food - she'd usually finish the lot! It really was the temperature of the food that had put her off eating.

I can reassure you that my DD is now a healthy, happy 20yo and at University- and she will eat almost anything, but still has a soft spot for pasta with broccoli and the new addition of cheese sauce ...

Put stuff on the table (separately) and let her serve herself (or ask her what she would like and serve that for her). That way, you have given her the option of meatballs but not tried to ‘insist’ on them.

its about personal preference and very much about control - give her control so that she can eat according to her preference.

Oh jesus. This is my life atm with my 7 year old

You are then actually withholding food from her, which appears to be a punishment. And she’s hungry possibly.

You have been given good advice. Try to follow it. She’ll be picking up on your anxiety which won’t be helping either. She’s still a wee girl, remember that.