To give my daughter meals she probably won’t like?

[jey91]

My 4 year old DD is probably what’s labeled an extreme picky eater (but I don’t think arfid). She has always been a very picky eater despite my best efforts to do everything by the book. I tried my best not to pressure her, introduced a wide variety of food, always ate with her etc.

I have been generally feeding her meals I know she likes but encouraging her to try new foods which she very rarely does. There are some foods she will eat with no pressure (eg pasta where I can hide some veggies) and some foods she would only eat with the tv on and if I feed her. I know this isn’t good but I figured it’s better she has exposure to the food. Now that she’s turned 4 I’m getting really worried and fed up of it so I’m making her meals that o know she may not like and telling her she won’t be getting anything different until the next mealtime.

my issue is that it’s leading to huge meltdowns when she is hungry and doesn’t want what I’ve cooked. I stand my ground but it’s extremely difficult and stressful. For example, yesterday I gave her favourite pasta but I mixed in some meatballs. She refused to eat it and kept asking for snacks then after about an hour it turned into a total meltdown before eventually she agreed to have a few bites but she was hysterically crying for a long time before this. Before bed she was very hungry so I gave her a banana. Today was a similar situation where she kept asking for something else before having a total meltdown.

sorry this post is long but I want to know if anyone else has had similar experiences and if my approach is causing unnecessary distress for us all? I hired a feeding therapist about 18 months ago and it was no help at all. None of the standard tricks work with her as I feel there’s a strong sensory element. She gets very upset at new foods. I know all parents want their kids to eat healthy but I absolutely love cooking and baking, I’m a SAHM and spend my days making her and my 18mo meals and snacks that I think are healthy and it’s making life really difficult having to make 2/3 meals

You need to distinguish between 'exposing the child to a range of different foods' from 'making them eat a range of different foods'. The former is good and the only thing you can control. The latter is bad and not within your control.

Please dont force her into eating food she wont like.Its upsetting for both of you, and your youngest too to witness it.If she eats chicken sometimes, and rice , Spag bol shes not doing too badly TBH! Children have certain tastes ,and it's better for them to eat what they like (within reason of course). Can u reframe it so that you are eating foods you all like ,Maybe led by DD taste.Also dont forget children wont always finish their food, and dont always have huge appetites .My DD was similar ,and our gentle older GP said not to worry no child ever starved itself!

What's your own relationship with food like, OP? Do you think this may be feeding in (pun not intended!) to your anxiety about what your daughter is eating?

I literally posted a similar thing the other day about my fussy almost four year old! Reading responses with interest as I am yet to do the “this is dinner- like it or lump it approach.”

I worded my original post really badly it seems! I never force her to eat it. I just do “this is on the menu tonight” and don’t make an alternative when she won’t eat it, then give her a snack before bed so she’s not hungry. But the food I give is something slightly more adventurous than her safe foods. I understand now that for her it may be deeper than that if it is sensory it’s not fair on her

I think I have a pretty good, standard relationship with food. My anxiety only comes from wanting her to be healthy as I like eating healthy myself but I never label food as good and bad. I just say you need variety and if you eat too many of this food and not enough of that it may make your tummy upset

If she leaves kes plain pasta great give her a good portion of that. Put some smooth pasata topping at side of her plate so she can dip pasta in or not if she doesn't want to. If she will eat a tiny amount of pasata over time you could liquidise a meatball or two into it. It sounds like she doesn't like like the texture of meatballs. Offer lots of fruit for vitamins. Will she eat grated cheese?

This was me 20 years ago with my daughter. Her food issues started at 13 months old and her diet was worse than yours dd's. It was a really tough time and I worried so much. She would be crying with hunger but wouldn't eat and was underweight. Back then the professionals were no help. It took years of gradual introducing new foods before she would eat. Things like getting her to hold a pea, moving onto smelling then licking, holding in the mouth and putting it back. Think she ate 1 pea at 3yrs old!
She was diagnosed ND a few years ago.
No other signs early on.
Your dd may or may not be ND too but what I'm trying to say is just give her what she wants (obviously within reason and as healthy as she'll allow)
Try not to be annoyed and frustrated that you are making lovely meals and she doesn't want it. If you can change that mindset it will relieve your stress about it i promise!
I would keep cooking your meals for the rest of your family, serve dd something plain/safe you know she'll like. Don't mix foods together. Keep everything separate so she can control what she wants. Add whatever you're having so she can try if she wants. Don't let it touch the other foods. To someone who doesn't get it it sounds ridiculous I know. But it will stop mealtimes becoming a battle.
If she's still hungry later I would give cereal/toast/fruit/yoghurt. No junk.
She'll come through it eventually. Took my dd to be about 8 before she improved somewhat. As an adult now she eats mostly normal but some days just wants beige food/ a toastie instead of main family meal

I used divided plates and reward for trying new things. Even if it was just a lick of something new.
The majority of her meal is always something she eats.
Packed lunches I did lots of little pots of different things until she found things she liked. My child was fussier than yours and had quite a bad food aversion.
Slow progress but she's now 10 and gradually trying new things. Even adding a new fruit is big progress for us.

I don't really have any other advice OP but just wanted to say it's clear to me you're doing the best you can 💐. This is a very thankless task. @Clinpsyc had words of wisdom above, I thought.

@jey91

Look at your quotes first, I've taken the ones which are most salient to your situation

I stand my ground

I obviously want to avoid her having any kind of disordered eating

but I sometimes pressure her

I obviously don’t want to be cruel and create issues around food

I had always been told and read that if you make alternatives as soon as they refuse food, you’re teaching them that you will always do that

I would never allow my daughter to go to bed hungry.

I never force her to eat it. I just do “this is on the menu tonight” and don’t make an alternative

My anxiety only comes from wanting her to be healthy

If you think of food which you actively dislike, then imagine someone putting that in front of you, to be eaten, every mealtime, how would you cope?

Your approach is causing all the issues around your daughter's eating, can't you see that?

Your girl is eating, she likes what she likes, zero problem, surely?

The meatballs should have been on the side for her to try when ready. She doesn’t NEED to eat meatballs.

many children have restrictive diets and as long as it’s basically healthy and the child is growing that’s enough

just give the child pasta and veg every day and add twists for yourself to stop you getting bored

there are biological reasons why young children are limited eaters and most will grow up much more adventurous in time - the time being between 18 and 20 from my experience . Not 4. Although sometimes going to school helps

I still can’t eat pesto - I loathe pesto - 20 years of pesto at least once a week can do that to a woman but it was the right thing to do

don’t try to force your child to eat , don’t make meals a battleground, do ensure that she has enough protein, fibre, vitamins and carbs to keep her active and healthy ( and for a child protein and fibre are the least important/ easiest to hit )

Letting your kid go hungry becsuwe you've purposely made food you know they might not eat is absolutely wild parenting.

Unless you're in poverty and that food is the only food you have access to, there's no excuse.

Make her food she likes, and enough of it to give her the calories she needs whilst she's growing. You'll make her a lot sicker by underfeeding her than just letting her be a fussy eater.

You are being unreasonable making her sit there for an hour and turning food into such a battle, you really are.

@Agix "Letting your kid go hungry"

tbf @jey91 said "I would never allow my daughter to go to bed hungry"

arfid doesn’t need weight issues, and safe foods are eaten. It 100% sounds like arfid,

I have two picky eaters although they are getting better. DS8 and DD4.

We do a one meal policy in our house BUT with a few amendments. So taking the pasta and meatball example. I would offer the pasta, sauce and meatball separately or mixed together - my DC are free to decide how they want it but they have to have all elements on their plate to at least try. 90% of the time if they chose how they want it on their plate they will eat most of it.
If I do a roast, they are free to chose which veg they want (usually carrots or broccoli as I know both like one or the other), potatoes or Yorkshire puddings (again one likes one the other likes the other) and I get them involved in the choice of meat each week (sometimes its what one wants, sometimes the other and sometimes what I choose).

I've learnt over the years handing them back some control over the elements they can chose helps massively. I do this with most meals and although sometimes we get kickback for random reason, we do not cook a separate meal. I always chose meals with the basics that I know each like. If we try something new they are encouraged to try it but I do make allowances for in case they don't e.g plain pasta or rice left over before mixing into something.
A banana is always on offer after dinner if they don't want to eat dinner. Its a fruit I know they like but isnt their favourite. I can gauge if they are actually hungry or not by if they take the banana before bed.

I have also recently started getting them involved in the food planning for the week. Each get to chose a meal they would like (within reason) and then they seems more willing to eat the rest of the meals for the week.

(ARFID) is a serious feeding/eating disorder!

and your qualifications, in the interest of full disclosure for your statement @OwlBeThere are...?

This was me 20 years ago with my daughter. Her food issues started at 13 months old and her diet was worse than yours dd's. It was a really tough time and I worried so much. She would be crying with hunger but wouldn't eat and was underweight. Back then the professionals were no help. It took years of gradual introducing new foods before she would eat. Things like getting her to hold a pea, moving onto smelling then licking, holding in the mouth and putting it back. Think she ate 1 pea at 3yrs old!
She was diagnosed ND a few years ago.
No other signs early on.
Your dd may or may not be ND too but what I'm trying to say is just give her what she wants (obviously within reason and as healthy as she'll allow)
Try not to be annoyed and frustrated that you are making lovely meals and she doesn't want it. If you can change that mindset it will relieve your stress about it i promise!
I would keep cooking your meals for the rest of your family, serve dd something plain/safe you know she'll like. Don't mix foods together. Keep everything separate so she can control what she wants. Add whatever you're having so she can try if she wants. Don't let it touch the other foods. To someone who doesn't get it it sounds ridiculous I know. But it will stop mealtimes becoming a battle.
If she's still hungry later I would give cereal/toast/fruit/yoghurt. No junk.
She'll come through it eventually. Took my dd to be about 8 before she improved somewhat. As an adult now she eats mostly normal but some days just wants beige food/ a toastie instead of main family meal

I have 2 fussy eaters and both have been underweight at some point, though healthy in general. The older one hardly ate anything when he was a toddler. I was tearing my hair out. He somehow started eating rice on a trip to India, so now he is 11 and loves a curry, but he still has some periods esp. when his tooth wiggles, when he stops eating. The younger son (5) always ate very little and it was mostly the brown stuff that we don't eat at all, so I have to buy it for him (chips, chicken nuggets and fish fingers). He also loves rice, so I give him buttered rice with salmon + peas or carrots or rice with yellow lentil curry (dal). He will eat half by himself and the rest I need to help him finish it. Once May comes, I buy a big 2l tub of ice-cream and cones, so that he eats an ice-cream a day and he is not underweight anymore after a month or so.
So my advice is to give her whatever she likes at the moment and don't worry if it's the same stuff. They all grow out of this at some point and most of the people are likely to be overweight after 40s anyway.

She doesn’t have to sit there at all. She’s free to go and come as she pleases and I leave the food there

Thank you, this means a lot

I don't know why you'd make your life hard and cause upset. Just give her the foods she likes, it sounds like she has a reasonably good diet. Offer new things on the side with no comment or pressure, and keep doing that. Eat the same meal with her, and no TV!! It's so weird that adults can chose to eat the foods they like, yet it's normalised to make kids eat stuff they don't like. For example, serve pasta with the meatballs on the side. Anything for an easy life parenting-wise is our philosophy! You're making food into an unnecessary battle / stress. If you think she needs more protein, then blend some lentils in the pasta sauce.

I sympathise with you all, but I remember being very hungry as a child. My war time parents believed that "you'd eat it if you were really hungry" and "we had to eat what was put in front of us". I just couldn't eat a lot of fairly ordinary things that my parents liked. Imagine the foods you dislike the most being put in front of you every night. Adults are allowed preferences, apparently.

I eat a very wide range of foods now, but in a disordered, greedy, shoveling-it-down way. I'm overweight, still hungry and always focused on when I'm getting my next meal. I envy people who are relaxed around food. Perhaps I'd have been like that anyway?

You can always save uneaten dinner and offer later instead of a snack.

Get her to help cook. But children's cook books and get her to go through with a post it and say "that looks nice".

We always eat the same food as our kids at the same time. Even did when they were kids (even if it meant I ate cheesy pasta at 11am!)

Turn the TV off.