School refusing 3 days off for DS AIBU

[BaronPencil]

I suspect I am going to get flamed for this but I genuinely do not know what the right call is.

DS is 14, 15 in the summer, and he hates school. Not in a mild way, he actively resents it. Says it is pointless, says most of the boys mess about anyway but he gets picked up more because he answers back. There is probably some truth in that but he absolutely does not help himself.

He is basically on his last warning behaviour wise. We have had meetings with head of year and deputy head. They have used phrases like final chance, serious concerns about attitude, risk of not being invited back next year if there is no improvement. So yes, thin ice is putting it mildly.

Behaviour issues include:

Constant low level disruption
Talking when teacher is talking
Refusing to move seats when asked
Eye rolling and muttering under his breath
Not handing homework in repeatedly
Detentions for not turning up to detentions
Once told a teacher “this is why no one takes this subject seriously”

There was also an incident last year where he made some stupid misogynistic comments in class about girls being “too emotional” for leadership which got him into a huge amount of trouble. He swears he was joking but it was not funny and I was absolutely furious with him. School took it very seriously. Since then they have him firmly labelled as a problem child I think.

He is not SEN. There is no diagnosis, no learning issue. He just does not like being told what to do and he is not a straight A academic star which I sometimes think is what this particular school really values above everything else. He is capable of good grades but only when he feels like it which is not often.

The only area where he has ever been consistently positive is drama.

He got into acting at 12 through the school drama club. Completely by accident really, a friend dragged him along. He got a part in the school production and something just switched. Teachers were emailing saying how focused he was in rehearsals, how supportive of other cast members. It was like reading about someone else.

We then enrolled him in a local theatre group and he loves it. Properly loves it. He will practise accents in his bedroom, watch performances online, ask for feedback. It is the only thing he puts real effort into without being nagged.

Now he has been cast in a proper local theatre production. Rehearsals are evenings and weekends so that has not interfered with school at all.

But the performances include three weekday matinees in the last week before Easter holidays. So he would miss three full days right before they break up.

His attendance is currently 95 percent. But he is absolutely on his last warning behaviour wise.

I emailed school explaining the opportunity and asking if the absence could be authorised given it is a legitimate production and not just a random day off. I did mention that drama is the only area where he truly excels and that this could be positive for him.

Reply was very clear. No authorised absence for external activities. Policy is policy. If we keep him off it will be recorded as unauthorised absence and may be considered alongside his existing behaviour record.

I did ask whether there was any discretion given it is the last week before holidays and most of the academic content is winding down (yes I know that sounds dismissive). They said learning continues until the final day and expectations apply to all pupils equally.

DS’s view is blunt. He says acting is the only thing he is actually good at and the only reason he bothers trying at anything. He says if we make him miss it we are proving that school matters more to us than he does. He also says school already think he is a lost cause so what difference will three days make.

Part of me thinks he has not exactly earned special favours given his attitude. If anything he should be bending over backwards to show compliance right now not asking for time off. I can already hear people saying natural consequences and maybe that is fair.

But another part of me thinks if the one thing that genuinely motivates him is acting then why would we squash that, especially when school itself introduced him to it in the first place.

We pay a lot for this school because we wanted structure and high standards. I just did not anticipate feeling like the only area my son shines would be treated as irrelevant.

So AIBU to think they could show flexibility even though he is on his last warning and hardly model pupil of the year? Or is this exactly the kind of situation where the answer has to be no because of his behaviour record.

He sounds like a right piece of work. And I don’t see any real indication that you acknowledge that. You seem very accepting. The list of his behaviour is eye opening.

He's miserable, OP.

Let him go. Take him out of the environment that he clearly despises! He isn't his father, and shouldn't have to live up to his father's imagined version of a son. He is who he is.

He's probably thrive in state tbh because he would definitely have competition in the behaviour department , and you'd be surprised how much room for subjects there is.

Respectfully your son sounds like a little swine and the fact you glossed over terrible behaviour and misogyny (which is so worrying) is shocking.

In terms of changing schools, I wouldn't let DH control the decision making. You are an equal, and this involves your DS, therefore there is a 3 way vote. It's not just down to what your pig-headed DH says - he's not the boss.

Do other children want to act in the matinees? Make his attendance conditional on excellent behaviour until the end of term.

Why are you keeping him at this school?
It sounds like the school does not suit the child at all..find an alternative school with a focus on the arts.
We have a state comp school near us that has a whole theatre and creative stream alongside their normal intake.
There are dedicated theatre schools both private and state.
I would remove him and let him take his opportunity with the theatre production.
I was a child that hated my school, i had similar reports to your son. I still have terrible memories of school now as an adult and being forced to be there every day affected me way into adulthood with lasting repercussions.

My first thought!

As his parent, you are right to let him do the show.

As for the school, they don't have to bend the rules or do any favours for him, considering he's been consistently disrespectful and disruptive. I'm surprised a private school have kept him on this long- I'd be furious if I was paying £15k+ pa for my child's learning to be interrupted by a misogynistic miscreant.

If they do decide that this is the last straw then it might do him good to go to a state school and be introduced to the real world outside of the privileged bubble he's been living in.

Can't make my mind up.
To go and do the shows is an incredible experience and it's always good to encourage something a child loves to do, but on the flip side, this is the perfect opportunity to show that his behaviour has consequences.

I wouldn't have kept him at this school though, he probably needed a different approach to his schooling and actually, finding out why he is behaving the way he is. Being stuck in a school he resents and hates isn't ever going to end well imo.

I am a former secondary deputy principal and entirely agree with @Moveoverdarlin who said: "I’m a stickler for attendance but even I think he should do the production. BUT, sit him down and have a stern, frank chat and say ‘Listen if I let you miss school ..."
I think he definitely needs to move school. Your husband needs to get a grip and face the fact that this school is not suitable for your son who has burnt his bridges there anyway, and that a fresh start at a state school is required. Would your husband rather have his son expelled from the school?
If your son's poor behaviour and attitude come to a head and the school takes a stand, they should definitely not take the three days of unauthorised absence into account - at that point you say that was YOUR decision. Your son would need to face the natural consequences of HIS poor choices.
In my opinion, letting him do the play and shifting him to a state school is not rewarding your son's poor attitude. You - and your husband - would need to use those opportunities as a bargaining chip. Recognise that he has finally found his niche and it might be the key to valuing his remaining school years.

The school is absolutely not the problem here

you make a massive list of issues & minimise them. You are actually rewarding his bad behaviour if you allow him to be off for the production without any improvement to his behaviour

. I still have terrible memories of school now as an adult and being forced to be there every day affected me way into adulthood with lasting repercussions.

Me too. I’ve been really damaged by it. I actually think it’s contributed to my overall PTSD

OP you do sound like you are describing a young lad with ADHD - can't work if he's not motivated, gets in trouble a lot with daft and annoying behaviour, can throw himself into something he's passionate about.

What do child actors usually do for school? If he's serious about the acting maybe look into that, especially as you are paying for his schooling in amy event

If you’re already paying for private education would you consider taking your son out of school and enrolling him in an online school? I understand they are flexible so students can follow their other commitments. They have provision for GCSEs to be sat at home (cameras as invigilators) too.

There are plenty of performing arts focused private schools - why haven’t you looked at moving him to one?

I'm an independent school teacher. The school absolutely can authorise this as an approved off-site educational activity if they want to. We do it all the time. Plenty of our students are county/national athletes, sing and play in national orchestras and choirs, and we have a couple in the National Youth Theatre. Anything they do with these organisations that impinges on school time is always approved as an absence.

It sounds like they are being difficult because they don't want him in the school and they want to force your hand. This is very unfair but it's the kind of school you chose for your child.

I am a Drama teacher and I've taught many children like your son over the years. Many children who struggle with academia and the strict rules and confines of school thrive in the unstructured, creative space of the theatre and this tells you everything you need to know about what your son needs to be happy and achieve his potential.

Look at how he has committed to this external theatre production. He's been at every rehearsal, he's practised at home every night, he's engaged and excited and delighting in the opportunity. He is thriving. You can't take that away from him.

He has worked hard for this theatre production and he deserves to be on that stage. He has to do it - you have no choice here.

For the people on the thread saying he shouldn't be rewarded for bad behaviour - no - but he also shouldn't be punished for being forced to spend every day in an environment he didn't choose.

Tell the school you expect this to be approved as an authorised educational activity and provide a letter from the theatre with the details. If they don't accept it, then make a complaint according to the school complaints procedure.

You then need to get online and start researching other schools for your son. He needs a much more holistic, less structured and creative environment, where he can focus on what makes him tick. I don't know where you are in the country, but if you're in London, consider an IB school. The Middle Years Programme, which goes up to the end of Year 11, has no exams, so you could join in Year 11 with no issues. The focus in IB schools is on collaborative, creative, enquiry based learning - which sounds much more like your son's cup of tea.

Please listen to your child and give him the learning environment he needs to thrive. You are forcing a square peg into a round hole.

Yes I would do the theatre thing. The alternative is to continue doing the same thing thst hasn't worked for years. Even if he gets kicked out, he can do gcse's a year late. Also look to see if he can go to a performing arts school at 16 to give him motivation to get enough gcse's. There are also summer courses he could look into.

Realistically if you say no it won't lead to him getting on with school, he will probably just find a way to get kicked out.

He sounds absolutely horrid and without some serious intervention will turn into a horrible man. You’re saying there is probably some truth in him “getting picked up more” because he answers back. He needs taught the importance of respect and not to answer back and also to respect women. I would be disgusted if my child was going to school to learn and was being disrupted by someone like him.
Had he been a “normal” student I would be of the opinion to keep him off. The school maybe would have granted it. But he has absolutely not earned it.
Yes, you need to play to your children’s strengths and encourage them with the things they are good at and enjoy, but you also need to guide them to understand that life isn’t just about doing the things we want to do, and part of being a functioning adult is about doing some things which we may not enjoy but are necessary.

Do they not need to agree to his performance licence? Why can he not attend in the mornings?

Don't know if this helps. My son started in a very nice state school, School of the Year, etc. He got into a very disruptive and badly behaved group when he was 12. He wasn't badly behaved himself, but on the periphery of some serious stuff. I moved him to a private boarding school. It was one of the best thing I ever did for him. He is highly intelligent, but didn't get piles of GCSE. He did, however, learn to value himself and others around him.

So - the reason I mention this is that he is an incredible actor, and the school have a very strong drama department. He thrived, but making the transition was so hard for both of us.

Do consider looking at other schools, state of private. Find one that excels in the arts. He needs this nurturing.

I'm sure ordinarily a private school would be supportive of the days off for the production. Problem is, they want your son out and so any excuse and they'll run with it.

It's never black and white and we can all make judgements etc, but if it was me and my child hated school that much (and the feeling is mutual with the school), I'd take him out and do online homeschool (if that would work for your family).

What I can add is that removing your child from private school and trying to get them into a state school is nigh on impossible. I removed my child in December due to financial difficulties and haven't been able to find a place for her at another suitable school (she was offered a school three towns away, but it's a school with so many problems, it's not an option / everywhere else is at full capacity right now). We are stuck with no school place but (reluctantly) planning on going with Kings next term and definitely if we have no place for the start of year 10.

So it's not impossible, you just don't like the option you've been given.

The school sounds very unsuitable. His behaviour isnt great but doesnt sound that bad. Just a typical teen who finds school absolutely boring. But acting is a very difficult profession to earn a living in. So he does need academkc qualifications imho.

The only class he gets good reports from in school is from his drama teacher, she always says about how focused and hardworking he is and he's a joy to teach (which isn't what other teachers say!)

I worry about if we put him in an online school he wouldn't leave the house other than to go to his club as he barely leaves the house now apart from school and drama, he wouldn't really socialise but maybe it is something worth looking into

As I said I worry its too late to send him to a state school due him being halfway through Y10, and DH is very against this.

Could people please RTFT before commenting as I have already answered why he wasn't moved before, yes it was a mistake but I don't want to jeep repeating myself