School refusing 3 days off for DS AIBU

[BaronPencil]

I suspect I am going to get flamed for this but I genuinely do not know what the right call is.

DS is 14, 15 in the summer, and he hates school. Not in a mild way, he actively resents it. Says it is pointless, says most of the boys mess about anyway but he gets picked up more because he answers back. There is probably some truth in that but he absolutely does not help himself.

He is basically on his last warning behaviour wise. We have had meetings with head of year and deputy head. They have used phrases like final chance, serious concerns about attitude, risk of not being invited back next year if there is no improvement. So yes, thin ice is putting it mildly.

Behaviour issues include:

Constant low level disruption
Talking when teacher is talking
Refusing to move seats when asked
Eye rolling and muttering under his breath
Not handing homework in repeatedly
Detentions for not turning up to detentions
Once told a teacher “this is why no one takes this subject seriously”

There was also an incident last year where he made some stupid misogynistic comments in class about girls being “too emotional” for leadership which got him into a huge amount of trouble. He swears he was joking but it was not funny and I was absolutely furious with him. School took it very seriously. Since then they have him firmly labelled as a problem child I think.

He is not SEN. There is no diagnosis, no learning issue. He just does not like being told what to do and he is not a straight A academic star which I sometimes think is what this particular school really values above everything else. He is capable of good grades but only when he feels like it which is not often.

The only area where he has ever been consistently positive is drama.

He got into acting at 12 through the school drama club. Completely by accident really, a friend dragged him along. He got a part in the school production and something just switched. Teachers were emailing saying how focused he was in rehearsals, how supportive of other cast members. It was like reading about someone else.

We then enrolled him in a local theatre group and he loves it. Properly loves it. He will practise accents in his bedroom, watch performances online, ask for feedback. It is the only thing he puts real effort into without being nagged.

Now he has been cast in a proper local theatre production. Rehearsals are evenings and weekends so that has not interfered with school at all.

But the performances include three weekday matinees in the last week before Easter holidays. So he would miss three full days right before they break up.

His attendance is currently 95 percent. But he is absolutely on his last warning behaviour wise.

I emailed school explaining the opportunity and asking if the absence could be authorised given it is a legitimate production and not just a random day off. I did mention that drama is the only area where he truly excels and that this could be positive for him.

Reply was very clear. No authorised absence for external activities. Policy is policy. If we keep him off it will be recorded as unauthorised absence and may be considered alongside his existing behaviour record.

I did ask whether there was any discretion given it is the last week before holidays and most of the academic content is winding down (yes I know that sounds dismissive). They said learning continues until the final day and expectations apply to all pupils equally.

DS’s view is blunt. He says acting is the only thing he is actually good at and the only reason he bothers trying at anything. He says if we make him miss it we are proving that school matters more to us than he does. He also says school already think he is a lost cause so what difference will three days make.

Part of me thinks he has not exactly earned special favours given his attitude. If anything he should be bending over backwards to show compliance right now not asking for time off. I can already hear people saying natural consequences and maybe that is fair.

But another part of me thinks if the one thing that genuinely motivates him is acting then why would we squash that, especially when school itself introduced him to it in the first place.

We pay a lot for this school because we wanted structure and high standards. I just did not anticipate feeling like the only area my son shines would be treated as irrelevant.

So AIBU to think they could show flexibility even though he is on his last warning and hardly model pupil of the year? Or is this exactly the kind of situation where the answer has to be no because of his behaviour record.

. edited as I misread the comment sorry!

Not all kids thrive in school. Some schools can be downright unsuitable for some children..

Personally, I would make sure he does the show.
I would remove him from the school (he is unhappy, the school are unhappy it's not a positive mix and isn't going to have a good outcome.

I would look at theatre schools. The BOA in Birmingham is a specialist drama school. They do study some GCSEs but a large focus is on theatre arts.
There is also a theatre college in Brighton that takes post 16 years old for 3 years study (accomodation available). No formal qualifications needed (just aptitude for performance) and course equivalent to degree.

There is a cost to this but if your paying private now that shouldn't be an issue. They are taught by industry professionals. graduates go on to work in this field many working prior to graduating

In the right environment he will.liekly flourish as he does in his drama class at school and his theatre group. It is very clear that the rest of the school is not the right environment for your son.

Although, I can't say for certain I suspect that removed from this environment and in a suitable one much of the behaviour that is undesirable will disappear

I do think it is the fact his behaviour is poor and not just policy. My older boys didn't need to be pulled out for anything but surely there's been some students doing sport etc. Also as it's a private school they usually allow holidays whenever (not that we've done it - the holidays are long enough!)

He does mix with other children from state schools at his theatre group and the good majority are from state schools or were at state schools and are now at college. I think the older children are good examples to him and he does get along with them

I don't know if DH is worried he's gay, when DS first started to get into acting he did try put him off by saying “you don't want to do that you'll be the only boy” in regards to theatre group. He isn't the only boy, there are a few and it just seemed silly as there are obviously famous male actors like Tom Holland etc who DS looks up to

I have asked ds in the past why he hates school so much and he says he just does, he's never gave a reason. Unfortunately the Brit school isnt an option as we don't live in London.

I spoke to DS in the car again this morning and said if he shows he can behave they might change their mind but he just said they won't and he isn't getting his hopes up

People are really making moot points regarding letting him have the time off or not.

The bottom line is the production can't let him perform without a children in entertainment licence from the local authority that he lives in.
The local authority will not usually grant a licence without school approving the time off.
The company will not be able to let him perform, if they do the local authority can stop the whole show. They won't risk that.

The whole other issues of school, his behaviour and the DH need sorting but the immediate problem for him is that he legally can not perform.

Thank you; that's very kind of you. I retired in 2024 and I'm sorry to say that I only came to the views expressed in my post in the last ten or so years of my career. In some ways, I wish I could do my 29 years all over again, knowing what I know now.

Is your son always a brat or just at school? You mention this school is very academic, could he have a learning disability such as dyslexia that has not been picked up. The behaviours you mention sound like masking by a disaffected child
He sounds like he is at the wrong school anyway.
Whether you decide to let him do the shows is really up to you but keep in mind that the school will probably decide that as you are not supporting them they don't have much hope with your son so out he goes

I think @BringBackTheLight 's point is probably the only relevant one here! (I didn't know this, perhaps OP you didn't either?)

Definitely let him do the acting, it will be great for his self esteem and confidence.

"Showing disinterest" is not the same thing as being rude and disrespectful. Having a different skill-set does not mean he is forced to disrupt the education of others.

If the school agree to let him miss schooldays, how could they refuse to do the same for the next (perhaps high-achieving and well-behaved) pupil who makes the same request? I believe, though, there might be an option to call it "educated outside school" which could possibly be used. (It is used for, e.g., children taking music grade exams.) Worth asking.

But this boy sounds like a pain in the arse. The school will probably be very happy to get rid of him - he’s not going to do much for their exam statistics - and it sounds like he might be happier at a different school (and his current classmates would probably be happier without him).

Having said all that, it seems most irresponsible for a theatre group to cast a school-age child in a production that would require him to miss school. Did they make this clear to you from the start? Surely they should/would have done?

Edited to say that the point made by @BringBackTheLight at 11:01, if correct, makes any other discussion irrelevant!

Thank you - people don't seem to understand this.

In that case I would schedule a discussion with the Head and take the position “I know he’s being a pain. We are trying to address it. But this is what he wants as a career and the thing he is good at. Please allow it and he can catch up. If you prevent it, I am worried he will both lose the opportunity and his behaviour may spiral.”

Chatting when teacher is talking is more normal

It might be 'normal' but it's extremely rude, to the teacher and the other students who want to hear what is being said. Does he behave in this way with all teachers, or just the women?I

Whatever happens, his prospects for getting a good set of gcses next year currently look pretty poor. They all need to look beyond the immediate issue of the performance and plan for that.

I think that sending him to a performing arts school (or, as I said before, any school that has a strong PA department) would be a good compromise. You can sell it to him as a compromise, ie, you're going here to being in a drama environment, but you have to agree to study core subjects too.

Worth a try? If you can find somewhere that will take him.

I have read a good many interviews with people who have been successful in the arts who say that school didn't work for them and that their parent's support in allowing them to follow their dream was invaluable.

However these are successful people for whom it all worked out. We can't begin to know how many people fail despite their parental support.

He is young enough to put educational failings behind him if he is unsuccessful in managing to make a living from the performing arts. He will just have to find another way to obtain qualifications going forward.

When they say that it's not authorised, that doesn't mean that he can't go, it just means that it'll be recorded as an unauthorised absence (rather than an authorised one) in line with their policy (which no doubt exists because it saves them having to judge which external activities are acceptable, it's much easier to say no to everything).

As his attendance is currently 95%, this isn't going to have a massive impact, so I don't understand what the problem is.

When they say it "may be considered alongside his existing behaviour record", what does this actually mean?

To a point I see what you are saying. But how many successful actors are there, how many are actually making a living at it. Very, very few. So throwing away any possible academic achievement is too much of a gamble. Because they will kick him out, they have said as much.

The boy had an issue with school. So instead of saying "you need to buckle down and sort your behaviour or you will be kicked out and if you are, don't think you are continuing with drama" .the op has allowed herself to be emotionally blackmailed into a complete dead end.

If there had only been a bit of back chat and disruption then I would fully agree with you, but he's been a pain in arse... detention for missing detention, no home work, disrespectful to teachers...it's too much to be rewarded with the treat of performing.

This is bang out of order.
Feeding someones data into AI and giving us a boring ass post to read

Regardless, I would remain tunnel-visioned on the theatre and the good it's doing your son. School can do what they will do. There are other schools.

I have a relative who made an extremely good life and living on the stage and screen. Attended theatre school.

Life is taking him there, be behind him entirely.

I will never understand why parents are honest about why their kid is off school. Just lie! Also this is why paying for private school is pointless as he's pissed it up the wall.

@BaronPencil Sorry I haven’t read the complete thread responses so apologies if it’s already been said. Your local authority can override the school absence decline in the application for his performance licence if they think it is reasonable. Make the application and give the LA a call.

As others have said - your DS will require a licence as the performances are in term time.

I picked up on you saying your DS was premature and in and out of hospital in his first couple of years. Are you absolutely certain that he doesn’t have any form of SEN? Many premature children do, especially those born very early. (Obviously I don’t know your son’s gestation - but my DS1 was born on the cusp of viability and has multiple disabilities directly related to his prematurity. We know other premmies who also have SEN.)

@AlleeBee I think it may be a coded threat he could be asked to leave/removed from certain GCSEs.

I feel bad for you and DS as it seems his dad has a very fixed idea of how he wants his son to be - all rugby and darts and probably boys trips when he’s older etc. it’s like he’s not seeing the boy he actually lives with?

I can see why people think this performance is rewarding poor behaviour but he’s not 5. For possibly the first time ever he’s motivated and putting in great effort. Speaking as someone who’s going to be living in a world with your son in it, I’d much rather he was in it as an aspiring actor or an aspiring anything - even if it doesn’t work out and he eventually goes on to something else - than as an antisocial miserable boy who more than likely will end up out of school and/or head straight into drugs as an escape as soon as they start circulating (at private schools that’s any time now IMO). He has a chance to be good at something - or bad at everything. He deserves that chance.

I wish anyone who does this could be banned for life.

Plus the summary is what about 30 posters have written anyway.