School refusing 3 days off for DS AIBU

[BaronPencil]

I suspect I am going to get flamed for this but I genuinely do not know what the right call is.

DS is 14, 15 in the summer, and he hates school. Not in a mild way, he actively resents it. Says it is pointless, says most of the boys mess about anyway but he gets picked up more because he answers back. There is probably some truth in that but he absolutely does not help himself.

He is basically on his last warning behaviour wise. We have had meetings with head of year and deputy head. They have used phrases like final chance, serious concerns about attitude, risk of not being invited back next year if there is no improvement. So yes, thin ice is putting it mildly.

Behaviour issues include:

Constant low level disruption
Talking when teacher is talking
Refusing to move seats when asked
Eye rolling and muttering under his breath
Not handing homework in repeatedly
Detentions for not turning up to detentions
Once told a teacher “this is why no one takes this subject seriously”

There was also an incident last year where he made some stupid misogynistic comments in class about girls being “too emotional” for leadership which got him into a huge amount of trouble. He swears he was joking but it was not funny and I was absolutely furious with him. School took it very seriously. Since then they have him firmly labelled as a problem child I think.

He is not SEN. There is no diagnosis, no learning issue. He just does not like being told what to do and he is not a straight A academic star which I sometimes think is what this particular school really values above everything else. He is capable of good grades but only when he feels like it which is not often.

The only area where he has ever been consistently positive is drama.

He got into acting at 12 through the school drama club. Completely by accident really, a friend dragged him along. He got a part in the school production and something just switched. Teachers were emailing saying how focused he was in rehearsals, how supportive of other cast members. It was like reading about someone else.

We then enrolled him in a local theatre group and he loves it. Properly loves it. He will practise accents in his bedroom, watch performances online, ask for feedback. It is the only thing he puts real effort into without being nagged.

Now he has been cast in a proper local theatre production. Rehearsals are evenings and weekends so that has not interfered with school at all.

But the performances include three weekday matinees in the last week before Easter holidays. So he would miss three full days right before they break up.

His attendance is currently 95 percent. But he is absolutely on his last warning behaviour wise.

I emailed school explaining the opportunity and asking if the absence could be authorised given it is a legitimate production and not just a random day off. I did mention that drama is the only area where he truly excels and that this could be positive for him.

Reply was very clear. No authorised absence for external activities. Policy is policy. If we keep him off it will be recorded as unauthorised absence and may be considered alongside his existing behaviour record.

I did ask whether there was any discretion given it is the last week before holidays and most of the academic content is winding down (yes I know that sounds dismissive). They said learning continues until the final day and expectations apply to all pupils equally.

DS’s view is blunt. He says acting is the only thing he is actually good at and the only reason he bothers trying at anything. He says if we make him miss it we are proving that school matters more to us than he does. He also says school already think he is a lost cause so what difference will three days make.

Part of me thinks he has not exactly earned special favours given his attitude. If anything he should be bending over backwards to show compliance right now not asking for time off. I can already hear people saying natural consequences and maybe that is fair.

But another part of me thinks if the one thing that genuinely motivates him is acting then why would we squash that, especially when school itself introduced him to it in the first place.

We pay a lot for this school because we wanted structure and high standards. I just did not anticipate feeling like the only area my son shines would be treated as irrelevant.

So AIBU to think they could show flexibility even though he is on his last warning and hardly model pupil of the year? Or is this exactly the kind of situation where the answer has to be no because of his behaviour record.

@BaronPencil I'd like to give you two perspectives: parent and teacher.

Parent: my eldest son hated school. It pains me to think about that. However, he's now a happy and well-qualified adult (he's 30).

Teacher: Let's imagine I was your son's form tutor. I'd totally support you in taking your son out of school for what is obviously going to be highly beneficial to him. Do it and pay the fine, or let him get kicked out (he won't be, for that).

Regarding the details you've given about his behaviour, I wouldn't worry too much about it. For a significant minority of children, school just doesn't work. Their response is the response we'd all exhibit if we were placed in a chronically stressful environment. In such situations, we do things that don't really represent what we are so - and this comment may be unpopular, but I'll stick to it - beware of labels (and I understand it's the behaviour you were labelling, and not your son) such as 'misogynistic'. Basically boys and (and let me just shock you here!) girls come out with all sorts of shit that they don't really mean when they're placed under a combination of boredom and stress.

Unfortunately you are going to need a child performance licence from the local council which will require a permission letter from school on headed paper.

I’ve skimmed your posts so apologies if I’ve missed something important.
i don’t know much about drama//acting or your son but if your son is so keen I’d definitely let him miss school to act in the production.
Is it possible to get into a ‘stage school’ at his age?? He does need to realise acting jobs are hit and miss so he needs a back up plan.
Can you sit down and have sensible conversations with him calmly - there’s a lot to talk about. He sounds like he needs help/advice handling his relationships with teachers/parents.

Good luck!

Suggest moving schools OP
This could be a great chance for him, working in a team, making contacts, having fun, putting in effort

Hands up, I haven't read the whole thread.

But let's imagine he was in a state school or an academy. He would be bounced down to bottom sets due to behaviour and disruption. Constant detentions and exclusions. And depending on how bad his behaviour is, he would likely have been permanently excluded by now.

You would also be fined for unauthorised absence (not a problem financially for you I guess).

The attitude towards you and your son on this forum would also be very harsh. Blaming you for his attitude. And him for being a delinquent.

Good old middle class privilege eh?

Honestly I'd take him out for it. Yes he sounds like a little shit at school. Does he deserve special treatment? No. But not everyone is academic, if he has something that he's good at and enjoys then i wouldn't throw it away to punish him.

BUT. I'd veryuch appeal to him, if I let you take these days off you pay the fine, and you goddamn behave at school. Don't you make me look like a fool for trusting you. You keep your head down get your qualifications and do what you want but don't let this be a stick for your teachers to beat me with. And if they don't let you back next year, whatever school you go to you behave, don't get in with the wrong crowd, don't make a name for yourself. I'll support you in following your dream, but don't make me look foolish.

I'd be sitting him down and having a proper talk with him. If he is so desperate to do this then he can but he has to sort his behaviour out at school. If he's less disruptive etc I'd be letting him go. I'd also be really considering changing schools.

Let him do the play and move his school. He has found his passion and is telling you clearly who he is. Screw what society and your DH think a boy should like and do. He clearly isn't happy at school, drama and theatre gives him joy. He is dedicated and focused at something. If he goes to a school that encourages that passion and teaches other subjects in a more supportive way he will thrive.

https://www.goodschoolsguide.co.uk/uk-schools/advice/top-schools-for-drama

I’d let him do the play as it’s what he wants to do as a career and this will probably help. What is your husband’s approach though?

I hope you don't mind. I ran your situation anonymously through Claude.AI which I've been finding extremely helpful - this is what it had to say:

This is a really layered situation, and honestly, she hasn't failed him — she's one of the few people in his life who seems to actually see him. Here's how I'd think about helping both of them:
The immediate decision about the three days. I'd encourage her to let him do the production. Yes, his behaviour has been poor. But withholding the one thing that's working as a "consequence" for school struggles is likely to backfire catastrophically. He's already told her plainly: if you block this, you're proving school matters more than I do. That's not manipulation — that's a teenager articulating something real. Three unauthorised absences before Easter on a 95% attendance record are unlikely to tip the school into exclusion on their own. The risk of the damage to his motivation and his trust in his parents feels much greater than the risk of three marks on a register.
The bigger picture with the school. This school sounds like a poor fit, and it's been a poor fit for a while. The family is paying for an environment that values academic high-achievers and strict compliance — neither of which describes this kid. That's not a character flaw in him; it's a mismatch. The worry about moving him mid-Y10 is understandable, but staying somewhere that labels you a lost cause isn't a neutral option either. It's actively corrosive. I'd gently push her to seriously explore what state school options or even performing arts colleges might look like for Y11 or post-16, even if DH resists.
The dynamic with DH. This feels like an important undercurrent. Dad wanted rugby. Dad built a games room with darts and pool. Dad thinks single-minded passion for acting is "unhealthy" and a state school would be "embarrassing." Dad hasn't accepted university probably isn't happening. There's a pattern here of DH projecting what he wants his son to be rather than engaging with who his son actually is. That's not something she can fix alone, but it would be worth naming — ideally together, maybe with a family counsellor — because this boy is picking up on it, and it's feeding his sense that no one in authority really values him.
What the son actually needs to hear. He needs someone to say clearly: we see that acting matters to you, we take it seriously as a real path, and we're going to back you on it. Not "it's a nice hobby but you need a backup plan," which he's clearly hearing as "we don't believe in you." That doesn't mean abandoning GCSEs — it means reframing them as supporting his goal (you need English for scripts, you need to be able to handle admin, the discipline of getting through things you don't love is part of being a professional actor) rather than treating acting as a reward he hasn't earned.
The self-blame. She says "I feel like I've failed him," but reading the whole thread, she's the one who knew rugby was wrong before it started, who recognises drama is different, who's advocating for him with the school, and who's asking the right questions. The thing she might need most is someone telling her to trust that instinct more confidently, even when DH or the school push back.
The short version: let him do the play, start planning seriously for a post-16 environment that actually fits him, and get on the same page with DH — because the biggest risk to this kid isn't three missed school days, it's growing up feeling like nobody in his corner thinks the real him is worth backing.

This just isn't true, and if they try saying it, they're likely to have to go crawling back with tails between legs. There's a whole legal framework surrounding child performance, and parents have no rights in overriding that. The local authority needs to grant him a license to perform, and if the school say no to him missing school, that's likely to be an end of it, given that he's in Y10.
The production won't allow an unlicensed child to perform - it's a child-related criminal offence, and the consequences could go way beyond the closure of the production.

My thoughts exactly! Yes, rules are rules and you're either playing by those said rules or you aren't treated favourably.
Taking himout of school would be a good option imo, since you'd like to do that anyways.

That said, if the parents withdraw him from the school and make arrangements for home education, I don't see that the LA could refuse the license.

Refusing to move seats and eye rolling etc aren’t low level and neither is answering back. Chatting when teacher is talking is more normal but it sounds his behaviour has really deteriorated to the extreme end of defiant. The misogyny is concerning. Having said that, I’d probably let him do the acting thing if you think it could help improve his attitude etc but I think you need to take his behaviour much more seriously generally.

The saddest part is your husband, you haven’t let down your child, but your husband has. Hes pushing his ideas of what being a man is. A games room with all these manly pursuits - darts snooker, gaming- how obvious can you be? Family therapy would be beneficial, but I don’t think your husband sees himself as part of the problem. You are listening to your son you know his strengths I think he’s hurting because his father doesn’t understand him doesn’t listen to him. Good luck getting him into this performance.

Exactly. State school? Exclusion. Eventually permanent. He's been very mollycoddled until now.

It’s an absolutely pivotal moment in your DS’s life. He needs to behave in school so that he can pursue his passion.

You are doing him no favours by indulging his love for drama and not tackling his poor behaviour. He’s old enough to understand that he is upsetting everyone and even if he hates school he needs to suck it up. He’s a very, very privileged boy and he has no cause for complaint.

Easy decision, OP.

He must go the theatre thing.

School can mark it as unauthorised. They only care because absence levels affect their OFSTED report.

The school should be encouraging your sons love of theatre.

Wonderful that he has found something he loves and all the best with it, OP.

You aren't failing him now because you are fighting for him.

Your husband needs to care more about his son than his image.

I tried to edit my own post but for some reason it wouldn’t let me. OP - I didn’t mean you are a bad parent when I said look at your parenting. I meant: the way you are approaching this needs to change. This school clearly isn’t the right fit for him - take him out, let him do the theatre, send him to theatre school. What you cannot tolerate is his attitude at school - as I said, that affects others and is deeply unfair and, in my experience, overly tolerated by indys who generally do not chuck out when they should. I’m sorry if the way I put it before caused upset - good luck!

Love this. I couldn't agree more. Thank goodness for teachers like you.

Yes I agree with this too. Not all kids are the same and he obviously has a talent for drama. My DD went to a private secondary and it was just so intense. She hated year 10
and it was one of the worst years I had with her as a lone parent. She refused to go on many occasions and would just make herself sick.

she moved to a college for sixth form and really flew.

Your son has a passion and knows what he wants. This is pivotal in your relationship with him. I would let him do his productions - whether you have to lie to the school about him being ill or just say you're backing him and you're choosing to remove him from school. His attendance is pretty good.

For him, seeing that you and your DH support him in this, could be a turning point in his attitude. performing arts colleges and sixth forms have a requirement of a certain amount of GCSEs to get in. IF you discuss these colleges with him over Easter, and he can see he may have a chance to attend them (there are some amazing ones in London area) - this may motivate him to work harder in year 11 and the remainder of year 10.

your DH is obvs finding it hard to think DS is following a different path to his. But he really needs to open his eyes to the fact that the most important thing in life is to follow a passion. Your son is lucky he has found his!

Three weekday matinees would not take up all of the three days
Your son should attend school on those days and work very hard until you pick him up at the correct time for him to perform the matinees then back to school..
Son could also purchase two extra tickets to the show to give to his drama teacher. His teachers should see his excellent performance. Show the school the flyer with DS's name -showing that he attends that school. It is good advertising for the school and they should announce the performances at assembly.

Your son's attendance at drama performances should correlate with his good behaviour at school. Pull him out of drama if his behaviour is poor.

Indeed. I deal with accomplished actors and musicians, and I find the talented ones are usually very humble. Their gifts are just another part of who they are.

I knew one actress who was up-and-coming, but she was impossible to work with. Now she gets the odd bit part. A scholarship to RADA won't do you any good if nobody will work with you a second time.

A lot of the ADHD students I work with really thrive in a positive environment and completely shut-down in a negative one. If he is receiving positive praise and recognition from his drama group and teacher this will certainly encourage him to work harder and channel his energies. I would be talking to the school about some positive affirmations. I'll probably get flamed for this but maybe try to negotiate something with your son that he does XYZ first at school and then you'll let him do the performance. What the school will make of that i don't know but something isn't working for him there. maybe the drama teacher could help too? Good luck OP but it seems too good an opportunity to miss for him