School refusing 3 days off for DS AIBU

[BaronPencil]

I suspect I am going to get flamed for this but I genuinely do not know what the right call is.

DS is 14, 15 in the summer, and he hates school. Not in a mild way, he actively resents it. Says it is pointless, says most of the boys mess about anyway but he gets picked up more because he answers back. There is probably some truth in that but he absolutely does not help himself.

He is basically on his last warning behaviour wise. We have had meetings with head of year and deputy head. They have used phrases like final chance, serious concerns about attitude, risk of not being invited back next year if there is no improvement. So yes, thin ice is putting it mildly.

Behaviour issues include:

Constant low level disruption
Talking when teacher is talking
Refusing to move seats when asked
Eye rolling and muttering under his breath
Not handing homework in repeatedly
Detentions for not turning up to detentions
Once told a teacher “this is why no one takes this subject seriously”

There was also an incident last year where he made some stupid misogynistic comments in class about girls being “too emotional” for leadership which got him into a huge amount of trouble. He swears he was joking but it was not funny and I was absolutely furious with him. School took it very seriously. Since then they have him firmly labelled as a problem child I think.

He is not SEN. There is no diagnosis, no learning issue. He just does not like being told what to do and he is not a straight A academic star which I sometimes think is what this particular school really values above everything else. He is capable of good grades but only when he feels like it which is not often.

The only area where he has ever been consistently positive is drama.

He got into acting at 12 through the school drama club. Completely by accident really, a friend dragged him along. He got a part in the school production and something just switched. Teachers were emailing saying how focused he was in rehearsals, how supportive of other cast members. It was like reading about someone else.

We then enrolled him in a local theatre group and he loves it. Properly loves it. He will practise accents in his bedroom, watch performances online, ask for feedback. It is the only thing he puts real effort into without being nagged.

Now he has been cast in a proper local theatre production. Rehearsals are evenings and weekends so that has not interfered with school at all.

But the performances include three weekday matinees in the last week before Easter holidays. So he would miss three full days right before they break up.

His attendance is currently 95 percent. But he is absolutely on his last warning behaviour wise.

I emailed school explaining the opportunity and asking if the absence could be authorised given it is a legitimate production and not just a random day off. I did mention that drama is the only area where he truly excels and that this could be positive for him.

Reply was very clear. No authorised absence for external activities. Policy is policy. If we keep him off it will be recorded as unauthorised absence and may be considered alongside his existing behaviour record.

I did ask whether there was any discretion given it is the last week before holidays and most of the academic content is winding down (yes I know that sounds dismissive). They said learning continues until the final day and expectations apply to all pupils equally.

DS’s view is blunt. He says acting is the only thing he is actually good at and the only reason he bothers trying at anything. He says if we make him miss it we are proving that school matters more to us than he does. He also says school already think he is a lost cause so what difference will three days make.

Part of me thinks he has not exactly earned special favours given his attitude. If anything he should be bending over backwards to show compliance right now not asking for time off. I can already hear people saying natural consequences and maybe that is fair.

But another part of me thinks if the one thing that genuinely motivates him is acting then why would we squash that, especially when school itself introduced him to it in the first place.

We pay a lot for this school because we wanted structure and high standards. I just did not anticipate feeling like the only area my son shines would be treated as irrelevant.

So AIBU to think they could show flexibility even though he is on his last warning and hardly model pupil of the year? Or is this exactly the kind of situation where the answer has to be no because of his behaviour record.

Change schools if necessary, but I wouldn't make him miss the play.

Private schools can be very flexible with time off if they choose to. If a pupil has an area of excellence time away for that activity is absolutely permitted. Think competing in a sport at national level. Given your son’s abysmal behaviour they no doubt want to get rid of him and this will give them the opportunity. I’m surprised they have asked him to leave already.

Someone earlier suggested directors are used to difficult attitudes in performers. That is fine if you are a Branagh or Olivier in the making but tolerance of entitlement only goes so far in competitive world where the vast majority of young actors are “resting” at any one time and reputations circulate among casting agents and directors.

This. People spout such bollocks about how they imagine the people they call ‘luvvies’ behave. I have never been an actor but have spent my whole working life working with actors, and no one will put up with bad behaviour unless your Box Office is well worth it. Punctuality, learning lines, taking direction - all crucial. And actors often work long hours under uncomfortable conditions. And the vast majority of top stage actors are never ‘difficult’.

Not according to the OP’s first post:

Reply was very clear. No authorised absence for external activities. Policy is policy. If we keep him off it will be recorded as unauthorised absence and may be considered alongside his existing behaviour record.

OP, if he carries on behaving as he is they might chuck him out anyway, so I’m not sure what he has to lose by doing the show.

How high is the risk that they would chuck him out if he takes 3 afternoons off?

Have you spoken with his drama teacher about this?

If he has already been cast and is rehearsing then surely he already committed to turning up to the performances. He would be letting them down. He needs to turn up.
Your list of terrible things he has done at school sounds very mild to me to be on ‘final warnings’. If he isn’t mid GCSE move him, if he is in year 10 start looking for a post gcse school that would suit him better that he can work towards that would motivate him.

100% let him do the show. It’s clearly very important to him and what he’s passionate about and good at. If he has to move schools as a result it’s not the end of the world.. the next school could actually be a much better fit for him and he might do better there anyway :-)

He is in year 10. He’s 15 in the summer, as per the first post.

Excellent points. I know a Performing Arts school where the students will be doing performances and not get home until very late, yet turn up without fail to lessons the next morning at 9am. They're usually very self disciplined, motivated and determined.

Your DH is the problem.

does he suspect your son is gay? I’m not jumping to that because of anything you’ve described of your sons behaviour - rather, your DH is acting in exactly the way I’d expect that unreconstructed private school t*t to behave if he thought his son was: doesn’t like your son acting, builds him a man cave full of man’s things …

again please understanding I’m not saying he is or isn’t it that it matters one iota what his sexuality is - I’m saying that kind of private school snobbish ego-driven bore would think like this.

OP, my son is younger than yours but heading the same way. Behaviour is a massive issue for us too, but mine excels academically which means he gets away with more. He's a bloody nightmare for his teachers though and I'm running out of appropriate consequences. We're in the state system too so it's much harder for them to just chuck him out.

You and he won't like this, but I'm with the school here. He hasn't done anything to earn special treatment from the school so why should they let him out for 3 days? I would use it as a learning tool - it's a hell of a consequence for his behaviour if drama is the one thing he loves. If he's on his last chance anyway, a private school will likely be thrilled to have a reason to expel him. It also makes you look like a parent who isn't willing to back up the school, whereas in your situation I'd be doing everything I can to show willing (I'm chair of the bloody PTA at my school in a desperate attempt to keep my child there).

All of the above doesn't matter though if you're willing to move schools if they chuck him out.

My sons are at indy. Each has really suffered from poor behaviour from some kids (boys and girls) at some stage in their journey and I’ve always felt strongly those kids should’ve been kicked out but they never were. So I think you need to look at your parenting, OP, because the school can only do so much and you appear not to have taken steps earlier (sorry to sound unkind). Myself I would change schools NOW - there are plenty of theatre/performance schools

Good points, but, as pp have said - would he get a place in a theatre/performance school?

Let him do the show. The school is being ridiculous.

Not worth destroying your relationship with your son over school being ridiculous.

If they want rid of him, so be it.

Other schools are available.

Hadn’t read your comment but saw it when posted - yes, utterly ridiculous

Unlikely for year 10/11 at short notice.

I used to work in attendance, I’d have authorised this….it’s no different from a sport fixture.

OP, you say he isn't SEN but has he ever been assessed? DD is almost 18, but in the past couple of years has been diagnosed as AuDHD and a few other things.

She is doing a diploma in Acting at college. She struggled at school, although did get 8 GCSE at grades 4-6. Acting is the only thing that she feels she is good at. She is intending to go to Uni to do a B A Hons in Acting.

I ask about the SEN, because a high number of students on her course are SEN, over half of them are ASD/ADHD or both. The tutors said it is very common in that course.

Your DH is failing your DS. He needs to accept that he is different in some way and not try and mould him into what he thinks he should be.

If your DS were at college on an acting course, then he would be allowed time off for productions as they encourage that sort of thing.

Your DS does need to buck his ideas up at school, not answer back etc.

I would let him do the show and start looking into drama schools or universities to do Acting or something along those lines.

Can you take him out of school altogether and homeschool him, and allow him to perhaps get an agent and focus more on acting?

From what you’ve said I would recommend a change of school now. I know that options may be an issue, but things won’t improve where he is and I think in a year from now you’ll regret not having moved him sooner. It’s not too late.

I would also allow him to do the performance. I don’t think taking it away from him will help his behaviour on the long run. If you let him do it, it will indicate to him that you understand how important this is to him and you value him. I think having ‘you in his corner’ will do far more good for him than any punishment.

I hope it all works out for you OP 🤗

It seems like it's a waste of time sending him to that school and I agree with the schools stance.

However I think you should take him out for those days anyway. If he is good at acting and not academically minded you need to give him this opportunity. You do need to accept if the school boot him out as a result though.

Quite, but I'm also thinking about both academic performance and attitude to learning etc.

The DH is very much against him going to a state school.

Allow him to do the shows and change schools to one more appropriate to his talents.
Why on earth would you choose a school because his father or the pope went there? It reminds me of Prince Philip choosing Gordonstoun for Charles because he went there when it was obvious to anyone with half a brain that it was the wrong setting for someone like Charles.
My brother went through a difficult phase until he found his niche, then the change was massive, like a different person. Your husband has to work with the kid he has not the one he would like to have.