School refusing 3 days off for DS AIBU

[BaronPencil]

I suspect I am going to get flamed for this but I genuinely do not know what the right call is.

DS is 14, 15 in the summer, and he hates school. Not in a mild way, he actively resents it. Says it is pointless, says most of the boys mess about anyway but he gets picked up more because he answers back. There is probably some truth in that but he absolutely does not help himself.

He is basically on his last warning behaviour wise. We have had meetings with head of year and deputy head. They have used phrases like final chance, serious concerns about attitude, risk of not being invited back next year if there is no improvement. So yes, thin ice is putting it mildly.

Behaviour issues include:

Constant low level disruption
Talking when teacher is talking
Refusing to move seats when asked
Eye rolling and muttering under his breath
Not handing homework in repeatedly
Detentions for not turning up to detentions
Once told a teacher “this is why no one takes this subject seriously”

There was also an incident last year where he made some stupid misogynistic comments in class about girls being “too emotional” for leadership which got him into a huge amount of trouble. He swears he was joking but it was not funny and I was absolutely furious with him. School took it very seriously. Since then they have him firmly labelled as a problem child I think.

He is not SEN. There is no diagnosis, no learning issue. He just does not like being told what to do and he is not a straight A academic star which I sometimes think is what this particular school really values above everything else. He is capable of good grades but only when he feels like it which is not often.

The only area where he has ever been consistently positive is drama.

He got into acting at 12 through the school drama club. Completely by accident really, a friend dragged him along. He got a part in the school production and something just switched. Teachers were emailing saying how focused he was in rehearsals, how supportive of other cast members. It was like reading about someone else.

We then enrolled him in a local theatre group and he loves it. Properly loves it. He will practise accents in his bedroom, watch performances online, ask for feedback. It is the only thing he puts real effort into without being nagged.

Now he has been cast in a proper local theatre production. Rehearsals are evenings and weekends so that has not interfered with school at all.

But the performances include three weekday matinees in the last week before Easter holidays. So he would miss three full days right before they break up.

His attendance is currently 95 percent. But he is absolutely on his last warning behaviour wise.

I emailed school explaining the opportunity and asking if the absence could be authorised given it is a legitimate production and not just a random day off. I did mention that drama is the only area where he truly excels and that this could be positive for him.

Reply was very clear. No authorised absence for external activities. Policy is policy. If we keep him off it will be recorded as unauthorised absence and may be considered alongside his existing behaviour record.

I did ask whether there was any discretion given it is the last week before holidays and most of the academic content is winding down (yes I know that sounds dismissive). They said learning continues until the final day and expectations apply to all pupils equally.

DS’s view is blunt. He says acting is the only thing he is actually good at and the only reason he bothers trying at anything. He says if we make him miss it we are proving that school matters more to us than he does. He also says school already think he is a lost cause so what difference will three days make.

Part of me thinks he has not exactly earned special favours given his attitude. If anything he should be bending over backwards to show compliance right now not asking for time off. I can already hear people saying natural consequences and maybe that is fair.

But another part of me thinks if the one thing that genuinely motivates him is acting then why would we squash that, especially when school itself introduced him to it in the first place.

We pay a lot for this school because we wanted structure and high standards. I just did not anticipate feeling like the only area my son shines would be treated as irrelevant.

So AIBU to think they could show flexibility even though he is on his last warning and hardly model pupil of the year? Or is this exactly the kind of situation where the answer has to be no because of his behaviour record.

It sounds like your DH can’t accept him for who he is which is quite sad.
Does he think that he is gay or that being involved in the theatre will ‘turn him gay’? And is his reluctance to support him with this rooted in homophobia?

It's similar round here - my DC attends a school.in one London Borough and at one point was in a show in an adjacent London Borough with different Easter dates. It worked to her advantage in that case as she was on holiday while the other performers were rushing from school to rehearsals and shows.

But yes, the OP should have noticed the clash as these things are set way in advance! And could then have required excellent behaviour for the whole of Jan-Mar.

A missed opportunity there!

If this was a sporting event, the absence isn't unauthorised - isn't it the same for drama?

@BaronPencil it seems your biggest problem is actually your DH's expectations, not your DS.
Your DS isn't academic. That isn't a flaw, it's a fact, but he's in a school that prioritises academic success over everything else. That only exacerbates the disaffection with education quite common in teenage boys.
DS has a passion for something creative rather than academic and that should be encouraged as he clearly has talent.
At 14/15 he doesn’t need a back up plan. If he doesn't follow the standard GCSE/A level route now there are always other options (access courses etc) if he changes his mind later on.
But it sounds like your DH has rigid ideas about what Education should look like and is hell bent on forcing your child into thar mould regardless of the poor fit.
I think your/his hand will be forced when the current school ask DS to leave. Could be a blessing in disguise.

They took his chair?!

Oh dear, I think an ADHD assessment in year 7 would probably have been a good plan.

Start looking now (without involving DH just yet) for local schools and colleges with decent drama departments (if they offer a Drama qualification in 6th that's a good sign) that also offer BTECs, would be my suggestion.

He sounds like a potential Brit School kid.

A private school can authorise what they like I think BUT in this case it sounds like a lot of bridges have been burned (for one thing, imagine how pissed off the other parents will be, paying for this disruption) so the school may take a hard line.

As pp said, Brit school is competitive. They require students to pass 5 academic GCSEs as well as follow a demanding performing arts course.

Then I think you probably need to use rhe Easter break to spend some quality time with your DS to work out what is going on with him. And consider whether your DH is such a ‘D’ after all.

They also have a catchment, being a state school.

He'll need to work hard to meet the admissions criteria. It's very competitive.

OP did request good behaviour earlier, when the clash with term dates was known about . DS kept it up for two days.

Here’s one way of looking at this. Your youngest son is in the position of having to follow on from his dad and older brothers in being successful at this particular school. This is an expectation he’s carried since primary school as you said he was in the feeder school. He’s got a lot to live up to.

Then you add in your husband’s attitude - state school would be a failure, in fact anything but this specific school and success there would be a failure.

Now your husband may never have said that to or in front of your son but kids are incredibly good at picking up on how their parents feel about them. He will have expressed this even in unspoken ways whenever your son has talked about disliking school or wanting to do something else.

Kids (and grown ups) react to pressure and the message they may be failing in different ways. Some push down the worry and throw everything into their academic work. Others externalise the pressure and become angry. Others try to protect themselves by distancing - no one cares about this stuff anyway they say, whilst deeply caring about how they are seen and developing a negative self image.

Let’s imagine your son is in the third group. It doesn’t mean he isn’t ever in the wrong or can’t change things. It does mean he is carrying an awful lot on his shoulders.

Then he finds a space where people he respects - a good teacher, friends, community members - tell him positive things about himself. You’re good at this, we value you. Of course that’s the space he wants to be as much as possible. He follows the behaviour rules that have been impressed on him time and again in this space partly because it comes more easily when he is feeing positive about himself and partly because it has been instilled in him that his is what you do if you want to be accepted. It’s very important to him to continue to be accepted in this space.

The concern I would have about him not doing it is it sends a message from you and from school that even when you develop that more positive self image and follow all the rules, even when you’re doing everything you’ve been told to do, it’s not enough. And it’s not just not enough for school, it’s not enough for you, his parents.

If it were me I’d be having some long talks with my DH and unpacking our own attitudes around education and what success looks like. The idea of a ‘realistic’ approach can come from elements of low self esteem and pressure we carry in ourselves from our parents. None of this is to suggest you are intentionally doing the wrong thing. It’s just that our brains and our families are complicated.

I would also let him do the production in a heartbeat.

You mustn’t reward bad behaviour.
When he says ‘what’s the point?’ of knuckling down at school, you tell him it’s to earn some respect and make it possible for him to do the stuff he really loves.

If his behaviour was better, I’d be firmly in the ‘take him out of school for his production’ camp.
As it is, he doesn’t deserve such privilege. He needs to earn it by adjusting his attitude to school at the very least.

Some kids are not cut out for private school - and the fact your husband says that a state school is ‘embarrassing’ says a lot for the attitudes your son has been exposed to - and is rebelling against?
State schools are filled with normal everyday folk - might sound like a cliche, but surely education is not just about academia but understanding life outside the private school bubble!
Your son is not thriving in his current school and I don’t think he’s going to suddenly change. On the other hand, he is thriving in the theatre set up where he feels useful and valued - what does this tell you?

I think the drama thing is a bit of a veneer and red herring. Ultimately this smacks of early stage male entitlement

Seems to me the person who has failed your son is his father, not you. He seems to be much more concerned with his own image and interests than his son's welfare.

I wouldn't necessarily dismiss a Performing Arts school. Your son's attitude to other school subjects may well change when he sees that other children similar to him see the value in taking them seriously, plus I suspect such schools drum it into their pupils that if they want a career in the theatre they have to be capable of showing some very serious work ethic and will need other subjects to enable them them to keep body and soul together during the lean times.

Tbf why should the school allow him this grace when he can’t even be considerate enough to his felllow pupils. He wants his opportunities given whilst denying others of theirs. Teachers having to deal with him take precious time off others who wish to learn. He manages to behave when it suits him and something he enjoys. Whilst the kids who enjoy English, maths & the sciences have to suffer. I don’t blame the school. He’s on thin ice and now wants preferential treatment so he doesn’t miss out on his opportunities, but has actively done exactly that to his peer group. When a lesson is only an hour at most long, taking even 5 minutes of that lesson because you won’t be told what to do is so selfish, inconsiderate & lacks emotional intelligence. When my kids have ever questioned not doing what they’re told at school. I explain the importance on why they should. The fact the teacher has limited time, has to meet deadlines, safety of 29 others and the difference of respecting someone’s position is different to respecting that person. To show respect to your peer group. Sucking eggs is part of life.

the thing is he still misbehaving honestly I wouldn’t want any kid to miss out but he sounds very entitled and all other consequences to his actions hasn’t worked so maybe this one will. You could talk to the production and allow the understudy if they have one do those 3 days, hopefully they’ll allow it which means he still getting the opportunity. However, the decision or outcome, be it he gets kicked out of school or misses out on this one opportunity I’d be reiterating just whose fault that is. It isn’t the schools, the production or anyone else’s but his own. I’d be hard faced about it to. I wouldn’t hear the complaints or wouldn’t be consoling him either. I would be very much you did A repeatedly & was warned consistently so now B is the consequence. You were all Billy big bollocks about it so now is the time to Man up and get over it. I’d use all that sexist stereotypical traits he jokes about straight back at him

Your problem here really is your DH. He has a rigid view of what boys and men from his family should be and should achieve to protect the family image, and so your poor DS is set up to fail at every opportunity.
No space for him to be an individual and take his own path or find where he’s success - he must follow the family path of private school and good academic outcomes.

To be honest the damage is probably done until he can spread his wings and go and live his own life - although I imagine he’ll wind up in counselling as an adult to unpick his toxic family relationships.

This.
But remember the DH is a product of the school.
DH believes DS is the problem and that he just needs to buck his ideas up, as this is what the school has told him.
The problem is that the school doesn’t suit DS, it never will.
Would DS consider Performing Arts College?

They expect high standards of behaviour and decent academics.

Indeed. Even if he treats it as “acting”.

Someone earlier suggested directors are used to difficult attitudes in performers. That is fine if you are a Branagh or Olivier in the making but tolerance of entitlement only goes so far in competitive world where the vast majority of young actors are “resting” at any one time and reputations circulate among casting agents and directors.

Even if you gave notice to the school now you would have to pay for summer term at least and have a teen out of education, without any certainty for his year 11.

It’s unauthorised absence and I don’t see his behaviour in school as reflective. I would make a deal with him. If he hands his homework in from now until the dates and shows significant improvement he can take the unauthorised absence. I would write a letter to the governors explaining your intentions and what you expect from him so that it is formally recorded. If he wants the drama that badly he will pull his socks up.

Your description of your son could have been written about 15 year old me. (Now mid 30s). A lot of people saying natural consequences for his behaviour etc but I really don’t think this will help you in the long run. I can’t tell you why I behaved the way I did but I can tell you I wasn’t very happy, my life was a constant circle of act out - be punished - so act out more. The punishments didn’t work, all I actually needed was someone to care about me.

Sounds like drama (which was also my thing) could really help your son. He clearly knows how to behave whilst there proving you've taught him well, there is just something about school making him not want to behave. You clearly seem to support him having these 3 days off as you wouldn’t have asked school otherwise, so I say let him go - support his achievement!

for what it’s worth, I did well enough in my GCSEs but then when I went to college and had abit more freedom I did much better. By the time I got to uni and had full control of my life was one of the sensible ones! Left with a 1st and have held down a very good job ever since.

I would let him do the production. If it was a sporting competition would the school give the time off as an approved activity? If so why is this different. Interests and passions like sport, music, the arts etc help children in all sorts of ways. I would try to use the situation to help your son understand that the attitude he has with drama where he is doing well, could help him in other areas.