School refusing 3 days off for DS AIBU

[BaronPencil]

I suspect I am going to get flamed for this but I genuinely do not know what the right call is.

DS is 14, 15 in the summer, and he hates school. Not in a mild way, he actively resents it. Says it is pointless, says most of the boys mess about anyway but he gets picked up more because he answers back. There is probably some truth in that but he absolutely does not help himself.

He is basically on his last warning behaviour wise. We have had meetings with head of year and deputy head. They have used phrases like final chance, serious concerns about attitude, risk of not being invited back next year if there is no improvement. So yes, thin ice is putting it mildly.

Behaviour issues include:

Constant low level disruption
Talking when teacher is talking
Refusing to move seats when asked
Eye rolling and muttering under his breath
Not handing homework in repeatedly
Detentions for not turning up to detentions
Once told a teacher “this is why no one takes this subject seriously”

There was also an incident last year where he made some stupid misogynistic comments in class about girls being “too emotional” for leadership which got him into a huge amount of trouble. He swears he was joking but it was not funny and I was absolutely furious with him. School took it very seriously. Since then they have him firmly labelled as a problem child I think.

He is not SEN. There is no diagnosis, no learning issue. He just does not like being told what to do and he is not a straight A academic star which I sometimes think is what this particular school really values above everything else. He is capable of good grades but only when he feels like it which is not often.

The only area where he has ever been consistently positive is drama.

He got into acting at 12 through the school drama club. Completely by accident really, a friend dragged him along. He got a part in the school production and something just switched. Teachers were emailing saying how focused he was in rehearsals, how supportive of other cast members. It was like reading about someone else.

We then enrolled him in a local theatre group and he loves it. Properly loves it. He will practise accents in his bedroom, watch performances online, ask for feedback. It is the only thing he puts real effort into without being nagged.

Now he has been cast in a proper local theatre production. Rehearsals are evenings and weekends so that has not interfered with school at all.

But the performances include three weekday matinees in the last week before Easter holidays. So he would miss three full days right before they break up.

His attendance is currently 95 percent. But he is absolutely on his last warning behaviour wise.

I emailed school explaining the opportunity and asking if the absence could be authorised given it is a legitimate production and not just a random day off. I did mention that drama is the only area where he truly excels and that this could be positive for him.

Reply was very clear. No authorised absence for external activities. Policy is policy. If we keep him off it will be recorded as unauthorised absence and may be considered alongside his existing behaviour record.

I did ask whether there was any discretion given it is the last week before holidays and most of the academic content is winding down (yes I know that sounds dismissive). They said learning continues until the final day and expectations apply to all pupils equally.

DS’s view is blunt. He says acting is the only thing he is actually good at and the only reason he bothers trying at anything. He says if we make him miss it we are proving that school matters more to us than he does. He also says school already think he is a lost cause so what difference will three days make.

Part of me thinks he has not exactly earned special favours given his attitude. If anything he should be bending over backwards to show compliance right now not asking for time off. I can already hear people saying natural consequences and maybe that is fair.

But another part of me thinks if the one thing that genuinely motivates him is acting then why would we squash that, especially when school itself introduced him to it in the first place.

We pay a lot for this school because we wanted structure and high standards. I just did not anticipate feeling like the only area my son shines would be treated as irrelevant.

So AIBU to think they could show flexibility even though he is on his last warning and hardly model pupil of the year? Or is this exactly the kind of situation where the answer has to be no because of his behaviour record.

Absolutely. Sounds as though he treats his parents with a similar degree of contempt, based on his response to them following the school’s refusal to authorise the absence.

Well your child's whole attitude stinks and I don't condone his behaviour, but you should go ahead and allow him to do the show performances. If the school expells him for that then the school is the wrong environment for him, but I don't think they will. Schools really don't have much flexibility to approve any absences and they may not be able to agree but that doesn't mean it's always wrong to ho ahead anyway. The school have no power to detain him.

If he's completely disengaged with traditional education see if you have a provider of the Arts Award www.artsaward.org.uk/ near you in a Theatre stream (there is a map function on this website. He'll still need his maths & english GCSEs but that would allow him to get a GCSE equivalent qualification in what he loves doing.

@BaronPencil , your situation resonated quite a bit with me. My DS did a lot of professional acting work when he was younger, including extended professional theatre contracts.

He also has ADHD, which wasn't diagnosed until just before he started senior school. He spent his prep school years being labelled the naughty child, the class clown, etc, and some of the parents had a similar attitude to some of the posters on this thread and thought he was just a little so-and-so who ought to learn to behave.

The reality was that he was impulsive and found it difficult to focus on activities and subjects that didn't interest him, and he found it impossible to sustain good behaviour for more than short periods. He learned that there wasn't any point in trying to behave at school because he couldn't keep it up for long enough for most of the teachers to notice that he was really trying. Consequences for poor behaviour made no difference because he couldn't stay quiet enough or still enough or focused enough to stop doing the things that were getting him into trouble. His self-esteem was on the floor because he was constantly being told off at school no matter how hard he tried to behave - not that most people noticed the low self-esteem because outwardly he was a confident big personality.

When he was acting, he had enormous focus and dedication, and had far less trouble behaving well. It would be easy to assume from that that he had control over his behaviour and was choosing to act up at school but not in the theatre. In fact it's very typical of ADHD - in ADHD, it isn't attention per se that is impaired, but the brain's "switch" that turns our attentional focus on and off. When a child with ADHD is doing something they enjoy, that attentional "switch" turns on automatically so they are focused and motivated (even hyperfocused), but they can't turn that switch on at will to focus on an activity that they don't enjoy.

If the possibility of ADHD hasn't been explored with your DS, I would strongly recommend considering it - I can see a lot of red flags in your description of your DS.

My own DS was at a private prep school, and every time he got a new job acting offer my heart used to sink because I knew I'd have to battle with school to get permission. When applying for a child performance licence, the school needs to provide a letter to include with the application, saying that they support the pupil missing school. The LEA can override the school if they think a refusal is unreasonable, but they're less likely to do so in academically important years like the GCSE years. The approach that tended to work was to point out that when DS was in the theatre, this was the only time he found it easy to behave, so it was helpful for his self-esteem and mental health to be allowed to be in an environment where he could experience success with managing his behaviour.

With matinee performances, there is an expectation that the child will attend school in the morning - the general rule is that you miss the bare minimum of school possible. Most professional productions will only cast children who live within reasonable commuting distance of the theatre for exactly this reason.

What turned things around for DS was going to a senior school that understood him, had a relaxed enough approach that he fit in, motivated him academically and valued his talents. He applied to Oxbridge, was offered a place and is now in his first year having the time of his life performing in every uni play he can manage to get himself cast in. He still acts professionally and has an agent. He remains a loud, impulsive big personality who can't always focus on the duller bits of life, but he's also well-adjusted, independent, and great fun to be around.

Sometimes a vocational performing arts school is the answer for a child that loves acting (it wasn't for DS, though it was an option we tried for a short period), but an "ordinary" school with strong performing arts provision can be equally good (and keep more academic options open). I'd also suggest you consider trying to find him an agent once he's out of licence at the end of Year 11 (there's no point in trying any earlier than that - feel free to DM me if you'd like any advice on agents).

I would let him have the 3 days off school to perform in the matinees. No point sending him to school those days - he'll be completely disengaged and could also act out even more because he'll be gutted not being at the performances. Could be the last straw for the school if he acts up over those 3 days. There is more chance of him being expelled for bad behaviour than missing days off school. I'm glad your son has found a passion in life. School is not for everyone. You haven't failed your son. Like other PP have said, please get him assessed for ADHD. The school should have flagged this earlier on so that he could have had the support he needed.

I would take him out anyway op. It’s a private school so they aren’t going to fine you.

So he’s not academic, wants to do drama, hates school. Your husband has forced him into this school because of family tradition (giving me Eton boy ick) and is embarrassed of state schools and has even tried to force him into rugby

Clearly your child is communicating with you here. He’s playing up as he’s lashing out at being forced into a box and somethings he’s not by your husband

you have a husband problem

Let him do the show. Mysterious illness strikes him down the night before.
Behaviour is communication. Maybe he struggles a lot academically and for some kids especially boys it’s far less embarrassing to get yourself kicked out of class for behaviour than admit you can’t keep up with what the teacher is saying.
it sounds like he has never thrived/loved school even at primary.
Ask school if he can drop to 5 GCSEs. Their data will look better so they should agree.
Head down the drama route.
GCSEs are not the most important thing. He can re do them or do A levels at any point.
Most important thing is retaining his self esteem until 16. Then he can go to college to do drama. Some colleges do accept kids the year before but they don’t advertise it so give them a ring. Good luck
Sounds like he’ll do fine in life just not suited to sitting in a chair and being told things that don’t make sense.

Agree with PPs saying your DH is a major problem in all this. He is trying to force DS to live the life he has planned out for him.

I actually identified with the rugby story as my parents forced something on me as a kid for years and I started deliverately misbehaving there to get out of it. And i still stand by my behaviour.

I would let him do the production, on the condition he improves his disruptive behaviour at school. Make a conditional consequence clear that if he continues his bullshit at school, you will pull him out of the production and make it clear it is his behaviour that is the problem rather than academic capability.

If the school turf him out, tough shit for you all. There may be a natural consequence of his shitty behaviour, but also for you and your DH making wrong decisions for him.

Fucking hell as if anyone will buy that he is ill.

To answer your initial question, yes of YABU and the school is justified in their decision.

The entire thread has just been a long list of justifications for your inertia ("your" includes your husband of course).
You will always find millions of excuses why something might not work. At some point you have to give it a go rather than expect things to change on their own.
Reality is, it's just easier for you parents to blame him and do nothing, justifying yourself because "you're paying for it". Helping your son isn't really a motivation. It would requires some efforts to find an appropriate school and parent your child (the fact that you think your child sobbing once for being told off is an example of harsh parenting is quite telling...).

You'll just pay his way through life anyway.

Your DH sounds like a stuck up snob. And how unkind to make a "game room" "for himself" and then call your poor son ungrateful for not using it. He doesn't sound remotely interested in who your son actually is as a person.

He will be on stage close to home.
You would be an idiot to call in sick.

Why is the theatre company casting a school child in a play with matinees in term time? Have they cast a 15 year old in an adult production? What are they doing about safe guarding?

Exactly, it's very strange.

You are paying for the school, do what you bloody like! You aren't going to be fined by the LA or school! Just tell them he is doing it and for the reasons you say in the OP.

IMO acting could be the thing that saves your ds. I would let him do the performance and pay the fine.
I think schools are fixated on grades and place no value on other talents. IMO this attitude is failing a huge number of children.

It's a private school. The same rules don't apply.

Sorry, should have read all OP's posts. Private school. My opinion is the same though.

Agree with others who say you are paying for the school and should do what you like! it actually sounds like private school might not be the best environment for him anyway.

Something to raise with your son though is that colleges (inc state) will have minimum entry requirements to do Performing Arts. He may not be able to do his chosen course without a certain number of 6s, for example. He may be overlooked for a place on a PA course if, for example, he has a 4 in English and a competitor has a 6.

Wow, surely the bigger issue here is your son’s bad behaviour, attitude and misogynistic views. Yet here you are looking for a way to reward him even though the school have said no. No wonder there’s so many women treated so badly by their partners as evidenced by the thousands of posts on just this site. Where are the consequences?

Can you not just call him in sick? For that many days it shouldn’t need a Drs note or anything and his overall attendance is good. They will guess but I don’t see what they can do about it.

I do it when we’re coming back a day late from holiday etc and nobody minds (they even ask how our holiday was) I think schools prefer we do this as it doesn’t then go down as unauthorised absence.

For context, both my kids are currently on 100% attendance and taking them out at the end of May half term for a day saves me over £1k on flights.

You think the school shouldn't be concerned about rude, disruptive behaviour and misogynistic comments?
It's always easy to blame schools. However, they have a responsibility to other learners, too.
Sad situation, he shouldn't be at that school.

To be honest, I don't think the issue is attendance. It's a private school, so it's not subject to the same rules. It's his behaviour.

It’s as likely to be his predicted GCSE grades if he doesn’t apply himself.

Private schools do not want their grades compromised- not good for business.

No, and I strongly suspect that they just don't want to put up with bad behaviour and poor outcomes.