School refusing 3 days off for DS AIBU

[BaronPencil]

I suspect I am going to get flamed for this but I genuinely do not know what the right call is.

DS is 14, 15 in the summer, and he hates school. Not in a mild way, he actively resents it. Says it is pointless, says most of the boys mess about anyway but he gets picked up more because he answers back. There is probably some truth in that but he absolutely does not help himself.

He is basically on his last warning behaviour wise. We have had meetings with head of year and deputy head. They have used phrases like final chance, serious concerns about attitude, risk of not being invited back next year if there is no improvement. So yes, thin ice is putting it mildly.

Behaviour issues include:

Constant low level disruption
Talking when teacher is talking
Refusing to move seats when asked
Eye rolling and muttering under his breath
Not handing homework in repeatedly
Detentions for not turning up to detentions
Once told a teacher “this is why no one takes this subject seriously”

There was also an incident last year where he made some stupid misogynistic comments in class about girls being “too emotional” for leadership which got him into a huge amount of trouble. He swears he was joking but it was not funny and I was absolutely furious with him. School took it very seriously. Since then they have him firmly labelled as a problem child I think.

He is not SEN. There is no diagnosis, no learning issue. He just does not like being told what to do and he is not a straight A academic star which I sometimes think is what this particular school really values above everything else. He is capable of good grades but only when he feels like it which is not often.

The only area where he has ever been consistently positive is drama.

He got into acting at 12 through the school drama club. Completely by accident really, a friend dragged him along. He got a part in the school production and something just switched. Teachers were emailing saying how focused he was in rehearsals, how supportive of other cast members. It was like reading about someone else.

We then enrolled him in a local theatre group and he loves it. Properly loves it. He will practise accents in his bedroom, watch performances online, ask for feedback. It is the only thing he puts real effort into without being nagged.

Now he has been cast in a proper local theatre production. Rehearsals are evenings and weekends so that has not interfered with school at all.

But the performances include three weekday matinees in the last week before Easter holidays. So he would miss three full days right before they break up.

His attendance is currently 95 percent. But he is absolutely on his last warning behaviour wise.

I emailed school explaining the opportunity and asking if the absence could be authorised given it is a legitimate production and not just a random day off. I did mention that drama is the only area where he truly excels and that this could be positive for him.

Reply was very clear. No authorised absence for external activities. Policy is policy. If we keep him off it will be recorded as unauthorised absence and may be considered alongside his existing behaviour record.

I did ask whether there was any discretion given it is the last week before holidays and most of the academic content is winding down (yes I know that sounds dismissive). They said learning continues until the final day and expectations apply to all pupils equally.

DS’s view is blunt. He says acting is the only thing he is actually good at and the only reason he bothers trying at anything. He says if we make him miss it we are proving that school matters more to us than he does. He also says school already think he is a lost cause so what difference will three days make.

Part of me thinks he has not exactly earned special favours given his attitude. If anything he should be bending over backwards to show compliance right now not asking for time off. I can already hear people saying natural consequences and maybe that is fair.

But another part of me thinks if the one thing that genuinely motivates him is acting then why would we squash that, especially when school itself introduced him to it in the first place.

We pay a lot for this school because we wanted structure and high standards. I just did not anticipate feeling like the only area my son shines would be treated as irrelevant.

So AIBU to think they could show flexibility even though he is on his last warning and hardly model pupil of the year? Or is this exactly the kind of situation where the answer has to be no because of his behaviour record.

He needs the school to approve it otherwise most councils will refuse to licence him for the performance.
If he can't get a licence he cannot perform and if the theatre company ignore this, the council can stop the production.

What I did with ds, who had poor attendance was did a personal letter to the head explaining how beneficial it was to his mental health and how it would help his school performance. I'd then talk with ds about making sure he was squeaky clean.

He always got permission with that approach.

I don’t think you’ve failed him at all.

he's found something he loves doing lots of adults take years to realise what they enjoy doing

when did not going to university become failing at life - and you can’t predict the future

Those saying just let him miss school, It won't be as easy as i'm afraid. If its a proper production they'll require him to get a child in entertainment licence. They often only give these if the child's school has authorised the absence.
Not sure what the answer, Its a battle I have experience of, getting school onside is the best way. If they're digging their heels in you'll struggle sorry.

Think it’s in the state school holidays

OP, your immediate problem is this play. Could you get someone from the theatre group to go in with you and talk to the head? The trouble is that the school know that if they make an exception for your DS, they will be inundated with requests, not just for out of school activities but also for sports events (eg attending Wimbledon or cricket matches) and holidays. You would have to be prepared, though, for the school to say no - if you let him do this theatre in the teeth of opposition from the school, then you’ve just about signed his exclusion papers and you can’t be surprised if the school wash their hands of him. You’re in a very unenviable position - but in the final analysis, you have to weigh up whether school or theatre is more important.
Don’t beat yourself up about your son, OP - as parents, we do our best, but our DC have minds of their own and do not always follow in the trajectory we might have hoped for them. Good luck with the school, and with your son.

I think there is a case for this absence to be put as educated off-site, I know a child in a TV show that gets this.

It’s a private school. Have you considered that they have almost certainly refused permission because they think it is likely that your DS will miss those days anyway and then they can ask him to leave. Private schools are not in the business of offering multiple chances to kids who simply will not knuckle down. The parents of other students will be pressuring them to deal with your son’s persistent disruptive behaviour and managing him out is the most effective way of doing this. You are one customer amongst many and it sounds as though your son is bad for business

Doesn't matter, he'll still need a licence to perform if it's in school time or holidays. They need to get school on side.

@HeddaGarbled - "... Trust me - in 10 years this will all seem like a minor blip."

Crikey! Is that meant to make the OP feel better!?!? 😃

Any production needs a licence. Even if it's not ticketed.

Only exception is If it's part of a religious service or It's a school performance.

1. Let him do the production (assuming he can get the licence)

2. Get him to help you choose a new school for him. One that would support him.

3. If the games room is genuinely for him help him turn it into a room HE wants. Not a room his Dad thinks he should have. Full length mirror for performance practice etc.

4. Give him a hug and tell him you will support him in whatever he wants to do.

5. Stand back and watch him live his dream, be happy and become the man he wants to be.

Your son seems troubled. Have you asked him why he dislikes school so much and why it started? He must be acting out for a reason.

Your husband seems to care more about himself than he does about his son. He prioritises avoiding the “embarrassment” of state school over his son’s best interests. He builds a games room for his son which caters not to his son’s interests but to his own. He is annoyed his son doesn’t share his own interests.

It’s great your son has something he’s passionate about. This is his best hope for forging a future for himself. His GCSEs, on the other hand, currently don’t look like they’ll be very successful.

Personally, I’d let him do the performances, cut the losses with the current school, have a really good talk with him and try and understand his state of mind and create space for a fresh start, then move schools. And your husband needs to wash his mouth out, talking about state school as failure. I feel like his attitudes might be a big part of the problem.

Yes, i meant a proper production as in a theatre or anywhere rather than a school play.

That isnt going to make a difference at this stage even if he does.

Normally Id say do the production and take the unauthorised but since they have said he will be removed from the school and he is in year 10, i cannot see that there is an option. The chances of matching his exam subjects and boards is going to he tricky.

Mine always have three days off in the run up to production. It’s a ticketed performance and no one has ever asked to see their permission. It sounds like you have an essentially good kid who is more immature than is ideal. Blocking the performance would be unkind when it’s where he thrives and if they kick him out I doubt it will go worse than where he is.

^This^

Your DH is the biggest problem. You could use this experience to give your son a fresh start doing what he loves best but will your DH stand in your (and your ds’s) way. My Ds3 (19) is a free spirit and much less conventional than his older brothers. He has generally behaved well but we have made many accommodations to help him choose and follow his own path.

The school has already shown a lot of flexibility by not already showing him the door marked Exit .

If he is serious about acting he needs to understand that you treat other people in a team or company with respect, you don’t undermine them. Behaving like an entitled disrespectful smart arse is a stupid move in a profession notorious for its high level of unemployment. Unless your surname is Fiennes he is in for a shock when he gets into the real world.

Nailed it.
Except that they might kick him out as they probably want rid,

I'd let him go. Sounds like a great opportunity. Your son has put a lot of effort to achieve this, why would you take it away from him?

It seems to me that at least 50% of this issue is a husband problem. He doesn't want the embarrassment of his youngest son going to a state school - FFS! - but doesn't seem to mind the embarrassment that will come from expulsion. Another poster said your boy is a square peg in a round hole that might have suited his father and brothers but does not suit him.

Umm because school might kick him out if he does it?

I was thinking the same.

You've outlined his behaviour problems quite neatly here. I'd sit him down and talk it through with him.

Point out to him that his lack of co-operation with the school is now resulting in their lack of co operation with him and ask him what he's going to do about it.
If you were his defence barrister, he would not have left you much to work with.
Does he expect them to reward him? Point out how much people hate bratty entitled actors, however good their films are. Ask him if that is the effect he's aiming for.

The Theatre event could be a big carrot - you will support it if he shows his behaviour can improve, which will give you more ammo to argue his case with the school. At the moment, there's nothing in the armoury ( using gaming terms on purpose) their lack of co operation with him and ask him what he's going to do about it.
If you were his defence barrister, he would not have left you much to work with. Also, point out that people who behave like rude entitled little shits tend to alienate people.

Also, maybe look into performing arts sixth forms... as another carrot. If this is something he's really good at ... he will probably do better at it.

I home educate, so I say let him go. I don't think that school works for all children.

There are plenty of children being home educated who left in year 10 or even year 11, and somehow it worked out. Your son doesn't haven't to take GCSEs at the same time as he would in school and he doesn't have to do all the subjects he'd do in school. The non-negotiables are literacy and numeracy - so you could pay for him to be tutored in those and for him to do the exams. Some people aren't meant to be academic and are more practical/vocational.

Anyway, aside from all that. Perhaps it would help him knuckles down if he had a clear focus. For example, he might like to go to university if he was able to get into RADA and do a degree in Acting. If he is good at acting and it is his passion, then helping him to understand how to turn that into something he can make his living off in the future, might give him the drive to do what he needed to do to get there.

The school is stupid. Of course he must have those three days. This could be the making of him. No wonder he hates the school. Move him!

I was expelled from grammar school for similar behaviour. Ended up being a very successful professional.

I have a younger brother who was just like him.
Meet him where he is at OP. Take the unauthorised absence, let him do his drama/acting if that’s what he really wants and more important, is actually good at. I strongly believe in playing to an individuals strengths, not all kids are the same and school doesn’t suit everybody. Square pegs don’t fit in round holes. I’d also think about moving his school to see if he’s happier elsewhere with a fresh start.