School refusing 3 days off for DS AIBU

[BaronPencil]

I suspect I am going to get flamed for this but I genuinely do not know what the right call is.

DS is 14, 15 in the summer, and he hates school. Not in a mild way, he actively resents it. Says it is pointless, says most of the boys mess about anyway but he gets picked up more because he answers back. There is probably some truth in that but he absolutely does not help himself.

He is basically on his last warning behaviour wise. We have had meetings with head of year and deputy head. They have used phrases like final chance, serious concerns about attitude, risk of not being invited back next year if there is no improvement. So yes, thin ice is putting it mildly.

Behaviour issues include:

Constant low level disruption
Talking when teacher is talking
Refusing to move seats when asked
Eye rolling and muttering under his breath
Not handing homework in repeatedly
Detentions for not turning up to detentions
Once told a teacher “this is why no one takes this subject seriously”

There was also an incident last year where he made some stupid misogynistic comments in class about girls being “too emotional” for leadership which got him into a huge amount of trouble. He swears he was joking but it was not funny and I was absolutely furious with him. School took it very seriously. Since then they have him firmly labelled as a problem child I think.

He is not SEN. There is no diagnosis, no learning issue. He just does not like being told what to do and he is not a straight A academic star which I sometimes think is what this particular school really values above everything else. He is capable of good grades but only when he feels like it which is not often.

The only area where he has ever been consistently positive is drama.

He got into acting at 12 through the school drama club. Completely by accident really, a friend dragged him along. He got a part in the school production and something just switched. Teachers were emailing saying how focused he was in rehearsals, how supportive of other cast members. It was like reading about someone else.

We then enrolled him in a local theatre group and he loves it. Properly loves it. He will practise accents in his bedroom, watch performances online, ask for feedback. It is the only thing he puts real effort into without being nagged.

Now he has been cast in a proper local theatre production. Rehearsals are evenings and weekends so that has not interfered with school at all.

But the performances include three weekday matinees in the last week before Easter holidays. So he would miss three full days right before they break up.

His attendance is currently 95 percent. But he is absolutely on his last warning behaviour wise.

I emailed school explaining the opportunity and asking if the absence could be authorised given it is a legitimate production and not just a random day off. I did mention that drama is the only area where he truly excels and that this could be positive for him.

Reply was very clear. No authorised absence for external activities. Policy is policy. If we keep him off it will be recorded as unauthorised absence and may be considered alongside his existing behaviour record.

I did ask whether there was any discretion given it is the last week before holidays and most of the academic content is winding down (yes I know that sounds dismissive). They said learning continues until the final day and expectations apply to all pupils equally.

DS’s view is blunt. He says acting is the only thing he is actually good at and the only reason he bothers trying at anything. He says if we make him miss it we are proving that school matters more to us than he does. He also says school already think he is a lost cause so what difference will three days make.

Part of me thinks he has not exactly earned special favours given his attitude. If anything he should be bending over backwards to show compliance right now not asking for time off. I can already hear people saying natural consequences and maybe that is fair.

But another part of me thinks if the one thing that genuinely motivates him is acting then why would we squash that, especially when school itself introduced him to it in the first place.

We pay a lot for this school because we wanted structure and high standards. I just did not anticipate feeling like the only area my son shines would be treated as irrelevant.

So AIBU to think they could show flexibility even though he is on his last warning and hardly model pupil of the year? Or is this exactly the kind of situation where the answer has to be no because of his behaviour record.

Why not? If the subjects all marry up schools might not mind. I’ve had a new student join at the beginning of Year 11.

I would let him do it.

It’s his life. He’s making a bunch of things down the line harder for himself, but that doesn’t mean it’s appropriate to stop him doing something he’s engaged in and has the potential to help him do what he really wants to.

His school isn’t working for him so it’s probably not the worst thing if he gets booted. Give you an opportunity to find something that will work for him. Some colleges will take kids before they hit 16.

The school didn't say anything per se but I thought if he could show he could be on time / respectful / handing in homework on time they might change their minds. I told DS this but he was only well behaved for about 2 days and then he was off sick and when he went back he was back to how he was previously

Perhaps we did over indulge him, he's the youngest and we nearly lost him many times during pregnancy, then he was prem and then was in and out of hospital for the first 2 years as he just got everything and was really unwell everytime.

We have done consequences the same as we did for our older boys but he just doesn't care. One time neither of us were very well (myself or DH) but I was going to ask his brother to take him to his club but he gave us attitude and hadn't been behaving at school so I said he wasn't going and while he SOBBED it made no differenc. He's bigger and older now so he'd probably argue back

. I told DS this but he was only well behaved for about 2 days and then he was off sick and when he went back he was back to how he was previously

Oh dear.

I would just take the unauthorised absence. He wants to be an actor, it's obviously all he cares about and it will probably be his thing for the rest of his life. If that's his talent then let him shine.

Production aside, it sounds like he will be asked to leave his current school soon, anyway.

So, it doesn't matter what DH thinks, you need to find him another school.

This is the thing to focus on.

Might be worth exploring whether he can drop a year so he can restart Year 10. Or performing arts school as PPs have suggested.
You might well find he does better with a fresh start.

It sounds like you’re wasting your money on private schooling.

I also don’t understand why parents ask for time-off for just a few days incase the answer is no - you should have gone sick!

I would suggest you take the three days and move your son to a new school where he may feel he fits in better. Plus, gets a fresh start.

Also, move before pushed, as you’ll find it difficult to find a school to take him if he was asked to leave due to bad behaviour.

there is nothing wrong in loving your son and wanting the best for them.

perhaps his school suited his siblings more

perhaps you feel closer in some way to him because you nearly lost him, maybe your husband thinks you’re too lax.

thats all ok

but is he really going to mess up his life if he does a theatre production and has 3 day unauthorised absence and the school uses that as a reason to push him out of school?

@BaronPencil your DH needs to learn to accept the child you have, not make him miserable trying to squeeze him into the family mould. It’s really bloody difficult parenting a child that doesn’t fit your expectations. We have struggled with just not understanding our DS2 - he’s not likely to follow the family path and is sometimes just a complete mystery to us.
Please divert some of your resources into finding out what makes your son tick. Why is he struggling to get decent grades? Is he neurodiverse or does he have a specific learning difficulty ? Which came first - the academic struggle in an environment which is clearly wrong for him or the crappy behaviour? It’s a lot less loss of face for a teenage boy to say ‘won’t do it’ rather than ‘can’t’.
You need to stand up to DH and say this isn’t working for anyone - something needs to change.

I would say your sons happiness and sense of self worth is what needs to take priority

Another boy trapped in a patriarchal male dynasty at the Traditional School.

OP, do another Mum a favour and pop over to the Private School Bubble thread where Dad and paternal GPs are pressuring for Dulwich College because they went there, when the child prefers another nearby (very good) school.

Meanwhile, I would tell him that you recognise his talent and commitment to theatre and will have his back for this show, BUT he needs to properly buckle down through his GCSEs so that he can go to a 6th form or college with strong practical performing arts. And then , if he’s up for it, Drama School. Emphasise that he will need GCSEs to pursue this route.

This. The poor boy obviously hasn't had his wellbeing prioritised. There is probably a lot of history here, poor family dynamics etc... and unfortunately not all things in life can be solved by throwing money at them. It's too little too late now. He probably doesn't feel like he belongs in the family and I doubt he has a strong sense of self. He needs support and therapy. ❤️

Your DH is failing your son. His son. That's the way he's failing!
I agree with pp that you have a DH problem and that's a part of it.
But still think let him do the show. And see if he'll engage with a GP about possible adhd... Though only you can tell if that's a possible explanation as pp have suggested

your DH needs to learn to accept the child you have, not make him miserable trying to squeeze him into the family mould.

100% this

So your son has had to go to this school because your husband and his brothers have??
Fabulous example of ‘one size does not fit all’.
I think your son is badly behaved in school because it’s clearly slowly damaging him. He’s (IMO) bored, uninterested and unmotivated.
He’s obviously been told he will never amount to anything and since he isn’t an A+ student the teachers are not really bothered about him and see him as unimportant - and he knows this. So he is a pain in the arse.

Find a drama school for him!
He has something he LOVES , he is prepared to work hard at and that he’s good at. Don’t stifle him. Not everyone is academic.
Regarding the misogyny - he’s 14. It’s his opinion right now because I suspect the majority of girls he comes into contact with are his peers and 14 year old girls can be very very emotional and dramatic - it’s your job to show him that this isn’t the case. Lots of teenagers have very polarised views and opinions and grow out of them as they mature. I’m sure I was convinced l knew pretty much all l needed to at 18 and my mother was utterly wrong with everything she thought.

I would without doubt let him do this drama. It could be that drama and acting will be his career and life. Encourage him and be pleased he has found something he loves and is good at - I wish I had found something like that when l was 15 .

Your husband is the problem. If he doesn't like anything at the hoity toity school your in laws chose a million years ago except drama, why the hell would he enjoy rugby of all things. He's got other sons to squish into a box, let him get on with that.

Another boy trapped in a patriarchal male dynasty at the Traditional School. Agree with this post!

its a shame really that his success in getting this part has turned into such a problem!

Tell the school that it’s your choice as his parents and that he will be doing the show. If it’s unauthorised absence they can blame you and not DS.

For the fees you can pull him out, do an online school and hire private tutors to hold him accountable - get him through GCSEs. See if can get him into an acting programme or one of these art schools for sixth form or really put effort into launching an acting career.

it’s easier to say you left because it was a bad fit than you were asked to leave.

Tell him if he gets no complaints about behaviour between now and then, then he can skip those 3 days (the school should be happy he has improved in behaviour and let the 3 days slide). Sorry if someone has already said it, don't have time to read all replies.

I just think DH hasn't accepted that DS won't go to uni, he thinks if he gets a backup plan then he can go and study whatever and could still join drama societies etc but put the backup plan first until he graduates but I don't think DS would want to, he's not actually said “I'm not going to uni” but it's pretty obvious

During primary school he did well and while he preferred subjects like ICT, his behaviour was fine and there was no issue. He didn't really like school and preferred being home but that's normal for children, then secondary school happened and his behaviour changed and it was just silliness initially like falling off his chair multiple times and they actually took his chair at one point because they were so fed up.

I guess he was performing then but as a class clown and he liked the attention. His oldest brother did go to Uni that year so I don't know if that had anything to do with his behaviour but they weren't especially close and he never said he missed him or anything. As he's got older and puberty has started the attitude has worsened and he just doesn't care. DH thinks he should get another interest as to him being obsessed with one thing isn't healthy and he said if it was gaming we’d have a different attitude but I'm not sure. He built a games room “for DS” (though the older boys go in it too and DH, more like a man cave than a gift to DS) with a dart board and a pool table and bar (bar certainly isn't for DS) but he now just goes in it to practice his lines. He said himself he's never cared about darts or pool to which DH called him ungrateful. I advised against doing it in the first place as DS didn't need this, I suspect it was for him mostly and he disguised it as a nice thing for DS

I just feel like I've failed him

I was the 8th of my family to go to a particular school. It didn't suit me or my abilities and my education suffered as a consequence.
If he is failing in class at the moment, because he doesn't enjoy it or work, move him.
He will get the same options in a state school and might get to express himself in drama or performing arts more.
Where are you based....he could try for the Brit school in London.
Let him do the play. If he doesn't it won't make his school work any better, it will just make him resentful. What suited DH and other DS doesn't suit him.

Are you absolutely sure that there’s nothing like dyslexia or adhd involved here?

I suspect if he takes the time off the school will ask him to leave. They’ve made it clear that he’s in the last chance saloon.
Why did he go for the part knowing it would lead to this conflict?
Personally I’d be careful as he’ll be lucky to get into a state sixth form with the poor reference he’s likely to receive from school. There’s no chance of him getting into another school at this late stage but you could use the money you’re paying to tutor him to get him through his GCSEs.

It’s a known pattern for the third after two obedient ones to rebel. It’s their way of asserting their individuality.

They’ll find their feet once they’ve left school and home and the local area and the weight of family expectation.

Trust me - in 10 years this will all seem like a minor blip.