MIL wants engagement ring back after husband went no contact

[Nic1210]

My husband decided to go no contact with his Mother around 4 years ago (I have posted previously about this - she is a piece of work).
We have only seen her once since at my Sister In Laws wedding and it was very awkward and brief. It was also the first time she met her Granddaughter and she was looking down at her at any opportunity and made no effort to take accountability for her previous actions.

Out of the blue, we woke up yesterday morning to a letter sent via iCloud at midnight the previous night, a badly typed out message explaining she respects our decision but it is hurtful for me to wear the engagement ring she freely gave to my husband when he made the decision to propose nine years ago. My husband wanted to save money for a ring to pirchase but she was insistent that he take a ring. The ring was a made for her as an eternity ring from an Amsterdam diamond bought for her 40th birthday from her ex husband (Hubby's Dad). When she gave it to my husband she said she no longer wanted it and was happy for my Husband to give to me.

This is the second time she has asked for it back, the first time she demanded it back after a row (one-sided), when she called me a bitch and other expletives for leaving the room when she was verbally abusing my husband.
I feel this is last thing my MIL believes she has control over.
AIBU to keep hold of my engagement ring? The ring is legally mine as it is deemed a gift, it is not a family heirloom and I have got more joy from it then she ever did or would do in the future. I honestly think she anticipated us to break up when she gave it away, myself and husband are happily married with our fabulous daughter, she would have continued to make my husbands life (a potentially our daughters life) miserable if we remained in contact.

Hell yes. Give the bloody thing back and go and pick out a beautiful ring for yourself.

I am not keeping the ring as revenge or to be cheap as someone wrote here, I am keeping / deciding what to do because it is my engagement ring and represents the strength of my marriage against all the pain and stress my MIL put us through.

yours is a perfectly valid point of view, but the negativity and bad vibes will stay in your heart, waiting to pop up unexpectedly at various times to remind you of everything.
We don't harm others by having nasty thoughts, we harm ourselves more.
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She will just move onto something else if you send it back. It won't be the end.

If you really want to annoy her tell her you sold it (edit : so you are not actually wearing it) and you and your husband had a good night out on the proceeds.

I can be a bitch. I'd have the diamond(s) replaced with Cz. Then give it back.

I wouldn't want a ring that belonged to soemone who we were no contact with. You are not unreasobale to not give it back, but I would.

Honestly I wouldn't want it. She has sucked all fun and sentimentality out of it imo, plus once it has gone I presume nothing else for her to hassle you over?

She didn’t give it back to her ex husband when they split so why does she think you should because you have split from her? It was a gift. It isn’t hers to demand back, just as it wasn’t her ex husband’s to demand back from her.

If the father chose the diamond and it had nothing to do with his mother, then keep the diamond and give her the ring with another diamond in it. Thats a compromise. Presumably she wants to flog it as it’s been all over the news that gold is at a high. But if she wants to wear it as a ring she won’t know the difference unless she has the diamond certificate.

edit: or keep it and do nothing. It’s yours

Being petty… I’d tell her we’ve lost it, sell it and put the money towards one you both love.

I say keep it because it's yours. Who cares if your MIL wants it back? Just ignore her!

For god sake give it back! How can you possibly gain any joy from it knowing that the original owner hates you and is a toxic cow. You said yourself that you see the ring as "cursed". There's no joy in any of this surely?

You've "won" anyway, the win isn't the ring. It's being happy, in spite of her.

Looking at it from all of the aspects OP has explained, I'd check FIL was happy for it to leave the family, sell it and get a new one.

I agree with this although not suggesting you enjoy drama, it's giving her a reason to contact you and something to hold over you, I would return it with a note saying you happily return it as the ring also now has associations for you that you don't want to be reminded of and it's a small price to pay for your piece of mind. I'd also say you hope she's gets enjoyment from a ring given by her ex husband that she gave away as a gift to her son and then asked to be returned, and you're sure wearing something of that nature will bring her much joy and happiness and it makes sense that she asked for it back given it was given in love to someone else and had new happy associations until she demanded it back.

It's yours. She's got no right to be pressuring you over it. What does your dh think? You could even sell it if you wanted. Or like someone else said, give it back to your ex FIL and they can sort it out between themselves.

You arent legally obliged to give it back. But you should return it under the circumstances

The ring was a made for her as an eternity ring from an Amsterdam diamond bought for her 40th birthday from her ex husband (Hubby's Dad).

This sentence alone proves how crackers she is. She's upset because she wants back her eternity ring from her ex husband?!

Can you block her on icloud? She's obviously found a weakness in the defense barrier and is exploiting it in the way in which she thinks she can cause most hurt. You are 100% right that if you give the ring back, she's not going to stay away peacefully, she'll find another reason to get in touch to get to you/him.

I wouldn't give it back. She says herself that she gave it freely and willingly, and gifts can't be recalled at a later date, that's not how gifting works. It is, as you say, now yours in every sense.

Whether or not you want to remodel, sell or in some other way adjust it is a separate decision for you IMO. If it were me i I think I would get it engraved inside with a phrase such as "Stronger than our component parts," or "greater than the sum of our parts" as a nod to the fact that you two are happy and strong despite everything his mother is. I might also upgrade the diamond, just because I could and then it would definitely be MY diamond.

It sounds to me like it’s a drunken midnight message.

Has anything happened that could have triggered it last night? How long ago did you last have anything to do with her.

she’s clearly fishing for a reaction either an ok here you are ore a no absolutely not fight.

honestly I’d ignore her.

Strongly agree with this. If it should go back to the gift giver (it shouldn't) then she should have given it back to her ex husband.

I'll bet that she doesn't really care for or want the ring back , she's just using it to be petty.

She'll find something else to fixate on. Her type always will.

Giving her the ring won't end this, it just won't.

Sell it and buy another with the proceeds!

First answer nails it.

I would just return as I don't think I could enjoy the ring with that history attached.

I believe you when you say that he went NC for a reason.

MIL is being controlling and petty. This is one last dig she can get at her son to try to punish him. She doesn't really care about the ring. She cares about having the final say.

I'd ignore the request and put it out of your mind. Do not let this woman taint your feelings for the ring. If you don't want to wear it anymore, then don't, but that's different than caving to her childish demand.

When you give a gift, you know that you cannot ask for it back. Actually, her mere request just confirms the kind of person she is...