MIL wants engagement ring back after husband went no contact

[Nic1210]

My husband decided to go no contact with his Mother around 4 years ago (I have posted previously about this - she is a piece of work).
We have only seen her once since at my Sister In Laws wedding and it was very awkward and brief. It was also the first time she met her Granddaughter and she was looking down at her at any opportunity and made no effort to take accountability for her previous actions.

Out of the blue, we woke up yesterday morning to a letter sent via iCloud at midnight the previous night, a badly typed out message explaining she respects our decision but it is hurtful for me to wear the engagement ring she freely gave to my husband when he made the decision to propose nine years ago. My husband wanted to save money for a ring to pirchase but she was insistent that he take a ring. The ring was a made for her as an eternity ring from an Amsterdam diamond bought for her 40th birthday from her ex husband (Hubby's Dad). When she gave it to my husband she said she no longer wanted it and was happy for my Husband to give to me.

This is the second time she has asked for it back, the first time she demanded it back after a row (one-sided), when she called me a bitch and other expletives for leaving the room when she was verbally abusing my husband.
I feel this is last thing my MIL believes she has control over.
AIBU to keep hold of my engagement ring? The ring is legally mine as it is deemed a gift, it is not a family heirloom and I have got more joy from it then she ever did or would do in the future. I honestly think she anticipated us to break up when she gave it away, myself and husband are happily married with our fabulous daughter, she would have continued to make my husbands life (a potentially our daughters life) miserable if we remained in contact.

I would not be keeping this ring

Everyone saying give it back - it's her engagement ring!
If you give it back, she will find something else to try and control. She will start saying she deserves a relationship with her grandchild and demanding you facilitate that, or she will suddenly start posting her birthday gifts. She will do something because she needs the feed.
It's not her ring, it's yours. Keep it, and don't react to anything else she says or does.

MIL has no right to ask for ring back. Sell it and give the money to charity

Sell it, and choose a new one.

Then tell MIL you have sold it.

I think you should return it to your FIL. If her gifting you the ring doesn't make it yours, him gifting her the ring doesn't make it hers! So back to the purchaser it goes and DH can by you a new one. By keeping it you're just giving her an ongoing excuse to contact and hassle you...

I agree

She has no hold over you. It was a gift when you married her son. She doesn't get to change her mind about that. Maybe if you and her son had split up there might ]be a case for returning it to him, but you are still very much together!
If you enjoy wearing it, crack on. If not, sell it for the best money you can, and set it aside for your daughter's future.

You should meet my MIL if you want to learn what nasty is. I would like to think this is the reason she gave my husband the ring and was happy for us at the time, she did not want the ring at all when she gifted it and happy memories have been created since.

I am not keeping the ring as revenge or to be cheap as someone wrote here, I am keeping / deciding what to do because it is my engagement ring and represents the strength of my marriage against all the pain and stress my MIL put us through.

id keep it personally.

Exactly, we are still happily married. I would not keep hold of the ring otherwise.

I’d sell it and put it toward a new one. But I’m being horrid. Give it back gladly. Tell her you wish it brings her the closure she needs from you and your DH.

I agree with this. The ring is the thing she has over you atm.

It's not.

I would give it back and get something else that has no connection to her. It would also take away her reason to feel aggrieved thus taking that power from her.

Ironically I have done this before with money she gifted me before we went no contact. My husband ran a half marathon for a dementia research charity in memory of his Grandmother. His mother refused to donate or wish him any luck, actually resented him for this (God knows why). So I have gifted any money/voucher amount from her in the past to that charity. That would actually be an option if we decide to get a new ring.

Just make up your own mind then. There are people telling you to keep it or sell it or give it back. Make your own decision and leave it there.

Why don’t you have it reset, redesigned into something that - although it legally is yours - makes it even more personal to you?

one very short reply to the letter - ‘no, it’s not yours anymore as it was given as a gift “ then block her email/cloud/socials?

Right - so she's not a total horror - she's given you a ring and gift vouchers and cash in the past - maybe get therapy to workout your issues around her. You and your husband. It sounds miserable as hell.

My advice is do not engage. If you reply you create a record of communications which she might try to use to try & force your hand. As others else have pointed out she doesn't have a leg to stand on, but ignoring her may be the easiest way to make her go away.

Presumably she have it to your now husband freely and without strings, therefore her ownership ceased when she gifted It

It is not about the ring I would suggest, but instead an attention seeking move on her part which is best ignored. I wouldn’t reply to her message instead take joy from the fact that no response will infuriate her.

If you like it keep it, the thought of her being hacked off would be revenge enough for her appalling behaviour towards you over the years.

or have it redesigned into something you love, adding diamonds etc to make it your design

or sell it and put the money towards a new ring that you adore.

I wouldn't want to be reminded of this awful woman - but also wouldn't give her the satisfaction of giving it back.

I'd sell it and put the money in your daughter's savings account (if she has one, if not make one!).

If you're still interested in having an engagement ring perhaps your husband could buy you a new one when finances allow, or is there a special ring from your side of the family you could wear instead?

Tell her you lost it.

Then sell it and buy another or something nice for you and fil seen as he bought the ring.

I’d be tempted to take a photo giving her the middle finger using my left hand so she could see the ring, and tell her that she can keep the photo as a memory of the ring.

My MIL is a nasty bitch and we’ve been no contact with her for over 26 years. We met up with her once during that time and that was a mistake. Still a nasty manipulative bitch who wanted me gone so she could have DH back as her victim to control. We have a 16yo DD. She’s never met her. She was a shit mum so she doesn’t get to be grandma. DD doesn’t want to meet someone who was mean to her dad.

For everyone who is saying to give the ring back, or sell it and give the money to charity, and then buy a new ring, how bloody rich are you? A decent engagement ring can be expensive. What happened to the cost of living crisis? Good for you if you have a few thousand to spare but not everyone does. Besides, OP loves her ring. It’s hers. Even if she gave it to MIL she’d still find something to be a PITA about to OP. It wouldn’t end. It would just change.

I would have given it back the first time. I’ve been on the receiving end of this behaviour, so I would know it would happen again. I’m sure it’s a lovely ring, so it’s a real shame. I would say post it through the door but knowing these types as I do it’s best to have it signed for. Don’t be tempted to send a message or tell her you’re going to get something that means a more to you.

Send it back. Make sure it's kept safe in transit by - say - encasing it in concrete. 'Accidentally' forget to put any postage on the (large and heavy) parcel.