MIL wants engagement ring back after husband went no contact

[Nic1210]

My husband decided to go no contact with his Mother around 4 years ago (I have posted previously about this - she is a piece of work).
We have only seen her once since at my Sister In Laws wedding and it was very awkward and brief. It was also the first time she met her Granddaughter and she was looking down at her at any opportunity and made no effort to take accountability for her previous actions.

Out of the blue, we woke up yesterday morning to a letter sent via iCloud at midnight the previous night, a badly typed out message explaining she respects our decision but it is hurtful for me to wear the engagement ring she freely gave to my husband when he made the decision to propose nine years ago. My husband wanted to save money for a ring to pirchase but she was insistent that he take a ring. The ring was a made for her as an eternity ring from an Amsterdam diamond bought for her 40th birthday from her ex husband (Hubby's Dad). When she gave it to my husband she said she no longer wanted it and was happy for my Husband to give to me.

This is the second time she has asked for it back, the first time she demanded it back after a row (one-sided), when she called me a bitch and other expletives for leaving the room when she was verbally abusing my husband.
I feel this is last thing my MIL believes she has control over.
AIBU to keep hold of my engagement ring? The ring is legally mine as it is deemed a gift, it is not a family heirloom and I have got more joy from it then she ever did or would do in the future. I honestly think she anticipated us to break up when she gave it away, myself and husband are happily married with our fabulous daughter, she would have continued to make my husbands life (a potentially our daughters life) miserable if we remained in contact.

I'd give it back at your convenience and make sure to tell her it's not because she asked for it, it's because you don't need the reminder of her.

Honestly, do you want to keep it? It would be tainted for me.

I'd be tempted to throw it into the tat drawer.

She has no legal, (or moral, frankly) right to it but it would probably be sensible to return it, buy a new one and view it as closing the door for good and moving on from her.

You're not 'winning' by keeping the ring. Winning would be showing her you don't give a shit about her or anything she thinks of as hers and giving it back as though it meant nothing to you. And by extension, she means nothing to you.

Buy a lovely replacement first though and enclose a photo of your hand with the ring, saying your husband took you on a lovely trip to buy the ring of your dreams and thank her so much because without her asking for it back, you might never have got round to it but now you have the ring you always wanted.

The ring is yours - and was a gift to you from your DH.
(I might not want it - with the stress and history - but you clearly do.)

'No contact' should mean 'No contact'. Make sure that it does.
Her wishes can have no weight if you can't hear of them.

Could you have the ring beautifully reset/re-designed so that (although physically the same ring - including the metal and the stones) it is clearly yours and no longer hers at all?

This would keep the symbolism but remove MIL from it.

Tell her that it would be hurtful to her ex-husband for her to have an eternity ring he paid for, given that they divorced.

Don’t give it back to the toxic MIL.

Either ignore the mad letter, give it to your FIL and let him decide what to do, or put it in a drawer and sell it at some point.

Maybe try the drawer first and see if you miss it?

A ring that someone else bought for someoe who is horrible to me is not something I would be that keen to hold on to, to be honest. I would send a note saying "Every time I looked at the ring, it reminded me of you, and that won't do at all" with a little box. Inside the box would be another note saying "so I sold the fucker on ebay and got a different one!" 😂

I meant it's wise to get written confirmation that MiL has received the ring if OP decides to give it back. Purely so the MiL can't stir up more sh*t, saying that it wasnt returned.
Unfortunately, that written confirmation would involve contact, which OP doesnt want, but I think it's important that she protects herself.

If you are considering a new ring, think about designing one of your own. I have just done that with https://www.hkjewellery.co.uk/ (Though I am sure other places do this too). It was the most amazingly cool process, and I ended up with a unique ring I love. They will also repurpose gems from existing rings. If you want to go really nuclear, get them to design a new ring using the one you have and tell her the ring no longer exists 😂Also gets rid of that bad MIL juju

She sounds awful but honestly I'd just return it to her and get a new ring. Not worth the hassle.

I would just say, I notice you didn't give the ring back to DH's Dad when you divorced, so you'll understand me when I say that a gift once given belongs to the recipient. Then I'd probably sell it and buy something that wasn't tainted

Me I’d let her have it back but take out the stone first if it is worth anything and you like it and have it made into a necklace and a zirconia put back in ring or a fake stone- then place it into this box and send it recorded delivery

Personally I'd sell the ring and buy a new one. This should solve the issue as you can inform her you are no longer wearing it. The other option would be to tell her that you don't want contact and any further contact will be reported to the police as harassment.

I’d give it back with a big smile (forced) and say you’re excited to choose a new one (whether true or not) so you take any control away from her, and just move on.

This I believe would be the way to go - presumably plenty of jewelers would be able to use the diamond in a new ring?

It will represent your marriage to date and a strong new start too.

Then I think you would not be lying if you said the old ring was 'lost' and that you've got a new ring now. If you want to bother to engage with MIL at all.

Give it back. It came from someone you dislike in a doomed marriage who resents you having it. Who wants that sort of energy hanging around them?

This is a suggestion often made on Mumsnet which always puzzles me. How would you expect the police respond to someone complaining that their mother in law kept asking for her old engagement ring back after she'd been told not to contact them? The police won't even come out for criminal damage and threats of violence in shops nowadays.

Personally I would give it back as it would remind me of her. Also it's one less thing for her to bitch about.

I reported my SIL for harassment a few years back. The police said they had logged it and if it happened again they would call in and tell her to stop. I informed her I'd logged it with the police and she didn't contact me again.

It's your ring to do with as you want. Sell it and use the money to buy a ring that is special for you and DH. Offer her first refusal if she wants it back that badly.

I wonder what your sister had actually said or done for the police to log it. Something pretty bad I guess, but this isn't the case with this MIL.
Do we have a legal right not to be contacted occasionally by a family member we have told not to contact us, when their behaviour in the past has been annoying rather than intimidating or abusive?

I’d give it back. Why would you want to wear a ring which belonged to woman you don’t like?

Send it back with a note saying Hi Jean, no problem at all, please find enclosed the ring. Hope you’re well, Sarah.

Don’t lower yourself to her pettiness.

I'd just give it to her. Nobody needs this much negativity in their lives.

Oh this is a deliciously good idea. If she thinks that she has a right to have a gift back then so does your ex-FIL. Does he get on with your DH and MIL?

Personally I would return it - with zero comment and no message included - she wants the reaction/attention and this is the last "hold" she has of you - and pick out something new and meaningful with no attachment to her.

I would give it back without hesitation. Not because is hers, because it would remind me of her an she can use it on her way down to hell. She wants drama, don't give it to her.