My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

It happened to me and I always post a link to this site because it helped me so much. There is also a private Facebook group and a book. The stages Vikki outlines are absolutely accurate in my experience. I am much happier 7 years on and on good terms with exH.

www.runawayhusbands.com/

I wouldn't be letting him have any contact with DD, he already abandoned her for 6 months is coming back and then abandoning her again - that's not fair on DD

Please don't use the child as a pawn - which is exactly what you are suggesting here.
OP's husband has acted appallingly but he's still the child's father and the OP is one of two parents. She does not have the right to unilaterally decided her daughter cannot see her father - even if it's dressed up as concern for the child - no matter how tempting such a knee-jerk reaction might be.

Thank you so much everyone.
I took today off work but I haven’t had a chance to read every reply.

I have called a few solicitors, I have an appointment for Friday.
I have DD’s passport I’ll give it to my parents later.
I have spoken to his mum, she told me she had no idea until he got back and told him. Apparently he was completely honest with his parents and they are angry and disappointed with him, though his mum said he doesn’t seem to care if anyone is angry.
Apparently his plan is he will come back to the uk one weekend a month to see DD and then take her to Spain for half of the school holidays. I don’t know how I feel about that yet, I don’t want my daughter in another country for weeks at a time, especially not in say summer when it’s 4 weeks she would be there.
His mum was also able to tell me more about this new woman, she doesn’t work with him, she works in a different industry, she just happened to be there for work at the same time. She is still in Buenos Aires and he isn’t working planning to move to Spain for a month or 2 until she is back.

Im trying so hard to be strong and I’m glad he hasn’t been around for 6 months as it means I’m used to parenting without him but I’m also just totally devastated and I’ve probably made it worse for myself as his mum accidentally told me what this new woman’s first name was and I was able to use that to search for her in the people he follows on instagram and of course I found her public account and not only is she blood stunning, but her instagram is also littered with pictures of them looking like a couple, like he wasn’t still married to me and albeit not often but calling me and telling me he loved me!

To the posters telling me I am saying utter drivel, it is my experience of divorce and an excellent lawyer. My e dh lives abroad and sees the dc when he can.

He has ensured I am an executor of his will. We stayed in the house. His parents made specific inheritance cash gifts to the gc. It's very difficult to make someone pay even with a court order, never mind him living abroad as well. It might be in your interest to accept the house instead of maintenance, which can be decreased if he has no job etc.

Ask your solicitor. It's not set in stone how finances work in divorce. IN MY EXPERIENCE

Urgh op. He's following his dick

He has an attractive 20 something fawning over him. Massaged his ego, so he dumps everything inc you and his daughter and re starts in Spain.

Id grey rock him, get yours a solicitor and a good therapist.

Seen your update OP.
That's good that you have the solicitor's appointment.
It must have been heartbreaking for you seeing their photos together. What an absolutely treacherous thing to do: carrying on this affair all the while and lying to you.
Stay strong OP.

God I am so sorry. You poor thing. What a bastard. And no dd plus not be going for weeks at a time to bloody Spain. He can piss off. One thing to remember is that whatever routine you have with your dd the courts will be reluctant to change so don’t allow him to start dictating when he has her. I’d keep it at the absolute minimum. I’d also make sure her weekends have lots of extra curricular in place. If he wants to see her it needs to fit in with her not him. You need to protect her. This woman will not want his kid hanging around. She’ll be used to him behaving like a carefree single guy.

Ugh op, just seen your update; they really do walk amongst us. How horrible that he was happy to pose for public photos with her whilst pretending to be happily married to you.

As others have suggested, get all official stuff together, get advice off the solicitor and start making plans.

Sending lots of love x

this. I’d not let him get close to your DD again for a week only they he can disappear again. Very damaging. He can see her for an afternoon etc he made his bed

Also he can tell her himself what a scumbag to ask you to be present and then you have to pretend that it’s all cool. This is on him

The couple photos on Instagram is quite odd. I suspect he told her the usual lies - that you're still married but divorcing etc.

Do sorry OP. Thjnk he will live to regret this, probably sooner rather than later.

This situation happened to couple I was friendly with. He was working aboard, 'fell in love' with someone he worked with, left his wife and moved abroad for her. She dumped him within months, he tried to return to his marriage. She rightly did not take him back. He lost his wife and the majority of his friends. I ran into him recently and he is a sad lonely man.

Get screenshotting those images on her social media pages, with their dates if they are available. They may help prove infidelity during the divorce if he suddenly decides to change his story and denies having met someone else.

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I am filled with rage on your behalf. How DARE he tell his parents how things are going to be! One weekend a month? Half the holidays? Who the HELL does he think he is? Oh OP, you are hurt right now, but soon you are going to feel the anger. Do not agree to anything with this feckless fuckwit of a man! Take your time, take a breath, make him wait until you know what you want out of this mess he has made.

I am so sorry, what a terrible betrayal. I imagine the sparkle might rub off their whirlwind romance once they have to factor in logistics of childcare and him travelling to see his daughter. I doubt she’s considered the whole stepmum angle.

I hope you find your anger and take him to the cleaners (and I never say this!)

Sending you love and strength.

Oh OP. What an evil human being to do this to his child.

Do not let DD spend lots of time with him, given he's abandoning her. I am sure his parents will understand this. However do not assume they will always be on your side. They will have divided loyalties. Great advice on getting your DD's passport somewhere safe.

Even if he does come back to the UK to see DD once a month (I'm sceptical), this WILL be on your terms. I would personally not let him have her overnight and do not let him be the Disney Dad. He will have hurt her hugely. It'll be up to her if she wants to see the man who's abandoned her for a new woman. Get a therapist for your DD - make him pay.

Do not let her go abroad without you, she may never come back. It seems he's not that keen on being a parent given his behaviour, but it's a real possibility.

Get the best lawyer you can. Get absolutely everything you can financially as once abroad he can easily abandon any maintenance owed. Assume you will be doing 100% of the parenting, and push for that to be recognised in the divorce. I can't see any court disagreeing with this given his behaviour and his clear plan to abandon you and his child.

Screenshot the social media posts to prove infidelity. Your lawyer will advise on how much evidence you need and whether to employ a detective in the country he's been in.

What a fucking dick. I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP. You've got this though, he's the scum of the earth and you'll be an amazing parent to your DD to make up for it. Lean on those who truly love you and DD from your family. Let them help you.

I’d be really surprised if she knew if he was married or had a child. OP stop contacting his parents in these situations it can soon turn especially with children they are not on your side. Divorce is expensive as is moving countries then factoring in travel back and forth do you really see this happening or is it just a fantasy your DH has built up.

And so much this HOW DARE HE! How dare he decide how he's going to mess with your DD's head. What a selfish prick!

I'd recommend a therapist for DD that he pays for and the therapist advises on the level of contact that will be healthy for DD.

There's no real polishing a turd here - he's abandoning any meaningful role in her life as a Dad. He's choosing this woman over her. Find your anger OP. How DARE he!

I don't think people living abroad can be compelled to pay child support so get really organised about fixed assets and pension details OP....definitely see a family law panel solicitor...specialists are listed on the law society website.
I'm sorry he did this 🪷🌿🪷🌿🪷
You have survived with him abroad, you will get through this ...get support IRL too

In a way thats better as hes shown you who he is and i doubt the once a month will last long and i know its horrible for you to hear but she wont look so great pregnant!! He doesnt want this bloody family let alone a new one

I thought exactly the same thing!

no way would I let my child spend half the summer abroad without me, and with OW present. He can come and visit on your terms.

Yes I do wonder how much if anything she knows?
At first I thought they worked together so she probably knew he was married etc. But now I’ve been told they don’t work together I wonder if he told her anything?
I’m tempted to message her and see but I don’t want to cause any more drama.

We are financially in a good position, mortgage free and I earn well on my own. I just don’t want DD growing up without her dad but I also don’t want her in another country playing happy families with him and this other woman.

Once a month and half the school holidays! Well he's got it all worked out, hasn't he? What an arsehole! Probably patting himself on the back for being such a wonderful, highly organised father 🙄. His daughter is not a little toy to be picked up and put down when he feels like it

Dear god. He will be coming down to earth with a bang one of these days, don't you worry. OP, I'm sure you are absolutely reeling from this and thoroughly heartbroken, and you must be so gutted for your DD too. You both deserve so much better than this. You will get through it x