My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

My experience with men is that once their head is turned they become extremely illogical, far more so than most women and with relationships they often tend to often rush into things due to the dopamine boost . A total twat but he won’t be the first or last sadly . Sound hard but I would just become very cold and exceptionally hard nosed on what you can get out of it - 18 months down the line you will be greatful to yourself for being so and probably won’t care - I gave my ex husband virtually everything in my late 20s as I wanted out and felt really guilty - 6 weeks later he had moved someone in and I was persona non grata and I totally regretted being so totally soft!!

I disagree with posters who say they'd let their husband tell the child/ren that he's leaving them. I did that myself and it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but it wasn't something I'd leave for him to do. I knew they needed me more in that moment than they'd ever need me. I wanted to control what was said to them and how it was said - I would not trust someone who'd behaved so badly to do this in the right way. I can see people's point, that he needs to face up to what he's done, but the child's needs come first.

There’s some sound advice on here, he is thinking with his penis and clearly underdeveloped frontal lobe.

sending you a big hug, and whilst now you won’t be able to imagine life without him, you’re grieving etc you WILL be ok x

Agreeing with these various bits

• Get solicitor ASAP. Start divorce proceedings so it's from the UK, not Spain. Apply for that prohibited steps and have court take DDs passport.

The passport thing may seem extreme, but this man has flat out lied to you and had 6 months of planning to leave you. He is not reasonable, or your friend. You didn't think he was capable of this, yet he was. You don't know what else he's capable of. Better safe than sorry.

• Do not let your DD out of your sight. She needs a stable environment, not to be whisked away to his parents for a week so he can play Disney Dad before he fucks off.

• Do not let him tell her in private without you there. He will lie his ass off to avoid looking bad, or even place some blame at your door to deflect from his twatty actions.

• Get important documents, records, finance stuff etc out of the house and somewhere safe.

Actions now so that you and DD are secure, emotions later.

Yes, he might make it sound like it's partly OP's fault.

Well, he felt like a free, young guy again in South America. Hot weather, sunshine, beautiful women... It was like a holiday for him, so he 'spread his wings'.
Take him to the cleaners.

what a DICK
get into your solicitors asap this week
keep your daughters passport with you at all times

God Almighty, the nerve of him! I have no doubt that all he's thinking of is how very hard this situation is for HIM - only having one week with his daughter before he fucks off again, and missing his new bit of stuff in Spain

Hard agree with saying NO to this week with your daughter at his parents house. Busting to do the school run, eh? 🙄 It would be laughable if it wasn't so awful. Also agree with making sure you are there when he explains things to her - you need to know what she's been told because it will be you picking up the pieces

I hope your ILs will continue to be helpful, but bear in mind that he's their son and they may take his side

Almost this exact situation happened to someone I know. 6 months working in Brazil, met a woman there, decided to fuck off permanently. After the initial shock, the kids were absolutely fine, and barely even spoke about him. They had a great mum, auntie and GPs and it was all hands on deck so they were very loved and cared for

I wish you every bit of luck for the future x

All of this. Plus tell your DD yourself and tell her exactly what has happened. Do not flourish it with emotional baggage, just the facts. Remember to tell her that you're surprised and that you were hoping you'd stay together as a family that it is not in ANY WAY her fault or a reflection that he doesn't love her, just that he has made a big mistake and you're letting him get on with it.

It will go tits up in Spain, 100% certain. (I don't suggest sharing this with her tho)

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, op. What an absolute idiotic b*stard he is.

It’s probably not going to console you whilst this is so raw, but if he thinks he’s going to run off into the sunset with this 27 yo then he’s severely deluded. Recently, my own friend of a similar age started seeing a man in his early 40s after she moved abroad, turns out he was still married (which she didn’t know). He was determined to leave his wife for her and even suggested he’d reverse his vasectomy. After a few months she dumped him because he was too old and she was never interested in anything serious with him. He was very deluded about where things were going, as is your husband by the sound of it.

Not that any of that makes it easier for you. He’s living a fantasy and he thinks he can behave like he’s in his 20s, moving away from his child and leaving a stable relationship after a 6 month hiatus. He’s unbelievably stupid and he will regret this.

💯

And a father with such lack of emotional intelligence and maturity and who is so very selfish would not be able to handle this chat with compassion and understanding for the child.

This sounds great but once he moves abroad. Depending on the country they can't force him to pay maintenance then as the daughter grows there may be two different lifestyles and he may try and entice her to stay while paying sod all for her keep
Shame on him

Hopefully I’m repeating wwha others have said

You need to be practical

Is the house mortgaged or rented? He will want to dump the house quick so he has more cash to spend on his new relationship. If you can buy him out he would probably take less than 50% equity to dump the house obligation quickly. If it’s rented then you might need to hand your notice in quickly because I’m not sure if the landlord would be able to get money out of someone living overseas so would expect you to pay instead. If the house is unaffordable on your own then you’re going to have to move to one within budget.

If you are on a low income then you probably need a search of how much a universal Credit help you’d get. Even if your income is quite high, help with childcare might be available for you.

You need an appointment with a solicitor imo as getting child maintenance from someone overseas may be difficult.

I would also start the divorce process in the UK so you don’t have the possible complications of needing divorce documents in a foreign language explained and translated. I don’t know if foreign divorce process would require you visiting the country in person whereas a UK divorce would be easier for you.

Im really sorry that you’ve been blindsided but this isn’t the time for processing. He has been detaching from you months ago so won’t hold back screwing you over. He has proved that he’s not your friend any more so you need to remain cool. Eg if you texts you, it’s ok not to text him quickly and message him later at your convenience /when you’re feeling calm. He’s not your side any more so you need to protect your child too.

Also ask the solicitor about whether you can stop him moving assets overseas because he might consider moving savings, cash etc to foreign banks so UK courts can’t see what he has and give you half.

He’s a dick, but I disagree with posters who suggest that you tell your DD what he has done and how it is his fault. As hard as it is, I think the kindest and easiest war for a child in this situation is to let them continue loving both parents and keep them out of it as much as possible. ‘DD, sometimes two people find that they are happier apart. Mum and dad will be living apart from now on, but we both love you very much’, Not fair on you, but fairest for your DD. Sorry that you are in this situation.

Except when she goes to visit him on the holidays there'll be a 27 yr old living with him.

So sorry this bombshell has landed on you OP. You absolutely do not need to move to his timescales, nor make any of it easy for him. And I agree with PP, the message to your DD isn't that this is mutual, he's leaving you in the lurch.

Get your hands on her passport.
He wouldn't be taking my child anywhere in these circumstances and I wouldn't allow daughter to stay at his parents.
Keep things the same for her.
He is lying cheating scum.
You need legal advice today.
He has 60 months on you.
His parents likely knew too?
So be careful of what you say to him.
I'm so sorry.

I hope to god his new GF dumps him in the future! What a horrible situation, I'm sorry OP, I'm sure he will realise as he ages that he has missed so much of DD's life. Get a good solicitor and as much paperwork in order as you can, he will have been preparing for this for a while now

No way could I do this, sorry but daddy is leaving us to move to spain with someone else - it's the truth! DD will figure it out when she goes to visit and a 27 year old lives with Daddy.

Maybe it's easiest now but it's the worst thing you can do because then sje grows up with the competing notion in her head that people can love you and still treat you like shit. And that she had to excuse it.

She'll spend her life trying to win his affection. And other men in turn.

Never ever tell a child who has just been betrayed by her father 'oh but he loves you'. Because it's horseshit fot a start.

'I'm sorry dad treated you this way. It's not ok. You've done nothing wrong. I love you and we will work through this together. It's OK to be sad. It's OK to be angry. We will get through this'.

He does not get to tell your child that it's a mutual decision. Daddy does not love Mummy any more and has decided to end your marriage and leave.

As others have said, keep her in her home with you. Daddy can visit and do school run from home. Remove the passport until you have legal advice.

Get legal and financial advice as soon as possible. He is not your friend. There will be time to grieve your loss afterwards.

Bastard.

He's screwed you over emotionally and sexually for her and he will not hesitate to screw you and your daughter over financially. Once he's naffed off to Spain, you're unlikely to get maintenance.

As said, you need a solicitor asap. If you know anyone who's divorced recently local to you, ask for a recommendation. Or if you give a rough location on here someone might be able to help. Do it today - he has a massive headstart on you.

Tell someone close or someone in your family who you know will have your back. Their outrage and anger on your behalf will ignite yours.

Tell him no to DD going to his parents. Tell him that stability and routine are going to be more important than ever for her and that's it's not in her best interests. But offer to have him see her from your home plenty - it will be important during legal proceedings to show that you have been reasonable and not blocking access.

I'm so sorry. But you CAN do this.

^^ A thousand times this

OP, your husband has treated you and your daughter dreadfully, I honestly felt utterly appalled for you when reading this. There isn’t much I can say or advise on, aside to offer my deepest sympathy. This is going to be so traumatic and unfair on your poor daughter (and you both).