My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

Almost this exact scenario happened to my parents, but I was older at 15 and my brother was 11.

A couple of things I would say from being the child in this situation….

• I would let your DD stay for a week with her dad at the grandparents. She has missed him and was looking forwards to having her family back together. That will never happen now and her life is about to be blown apart, so let her have some time with her dad.
• you should definitely decided between the 2 of you how this will be explained to her and do it together
• you need to be super strong. My DM wasn’t, so we ended up with a dad who had moved to another country and left us with a mother who had a nervous breakdown. Me and my brother have never really recovered from that level of abandonment and neglect.
• it will be hard, but I would let her spend half the holidays with him.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know how awful it is. But please don’t use contact with your child as a weapon like my DM did.

'I’m tempted to message her and see but I don’t want to cause any more drama'

I know that's tempting, but it's the sort of thing that would feel good for about 5 seconds and then the consequences would be awful. He's probably been telling her all sorts of absolute crap, and she may well be going into this in entirely good faith. He's the one that deserves your anger

She will get bored of him soon enough. He's certainly shown his true colours to you

This. Honestly it’s heartbreaking for you and I’m so sorry. Now is the time to get financially in the best place possible and process/grieve later.

See a solicitor ASAP. Push for everything you possibly can. In terms of your daughter get him to tell her - his mess and you’ll already be picking up the pieces when he disappears and, mostly likely, starts a new family.

Is he wearing his wedding ring in the pictures? If he's not, chances are she doesn't know he's married or believes that he's separated or in the throes of getting a divorce. I definitely would message her the truth, but that's just me.

From your update OP, it may be that the OW might not necessarily know that your husband is married. He could have spun her a yarn and told her he is divorced with a daughter. She'd have no reason to disbelieve him. Of course, she could equally be aware of the fact he is married, and is fully onboard.

Does your husband speak Spanish???? How is he going to manage living and more importantly working in Spain, if he doesn't??? He can't just simply move to Spain any more either.

I know it's very tempting, now you know who the OW is, to message her. Don't. It will create more drama and more trauma for you. At this time you don't need extra hassle.

Take as much documentation to see the solicitor on Friday and definitely take steps so your husband can't remove your daughter from the UK. Remember, your husband is no longer on your team, he doesn't have your best interests at heart. Also remember, that as much as your in-laws are upset with your husband, he's still their son, and ultimately blood is thicker than water. Don't give any information away to his parents!! Keep your cards, close to your chest!!

his plan is he will come back to the uk one weekend a month to see DD and then take her to Spain for half of the school holidays

So only where and when it suits him?! Has he even considered what his daughter would need/want? Would she even be happy to be abroad away from you OP, her friends, her home, everything she loves and needs, for every holiday?!?! If he wants to see her during her holidays, he comes to her, every time. He can suggest they go to Spain from time to time and if your daughter wants to, then that can sometimes happen I guess.

He's already showing you that he will only think and act in his own interests, not your daughter's. Make sure you act in you and your daughter's interest and be prepared! (Legal advice, financial advice, get support, get informed.)

I'm sorry but OP should NOT let him go abroad with DD. If he wants to see her for 4 weeks in the summer holidays, fine, but it can be in the UK. OP could lose her child. She would have little to no rights if her legal father kept her abroad. It's virtually impossible to get your child back and that would NOT be in her child's best interest.

It looks like he is in love and won't listen to reason. This is all a big fantasy, I think, it might not work out for him. Yes, she might not know that he is married. I don't know what I would do, but it's tempting. It's possible he will come back crawling to you in a year or sooner. Will you still want him?

Good point, he isn’t from what I can see.
I am really tempted to message her, not because I want him back, even if he was single and begging on his knees I don’t think I’d want to be with him anymore. But I do feel she deserves the truth if he has been lying to her.

It’s Spain, not the UAE. He wouldn’t be able to keep her.

The dad clearly isn’t that fussed about not having his daughter live with him otherwise he wouldn’t have gone away for 6 months and wouldn’t be planning on moving to another country. Him absconding with her is low risk.

He does speak Spanish, that is why he was sent to Buenos Aires in the first place. He has a Dutch passport and his company have a Madrid office so I imagine it won’t actually be that hard for him to move there if that’s what he really wants.

I wouldn’t play his game op. Decide when you think he can have dd and what works best for her. If that means him coming over more in the school holidays then so be it. You do not have to agree to his demands. It would be a massive no from me to put dd through any more upheaval than needed. If he wants to take her to school he can come and collect her from her house in the mornings. Maybe overnights at weekends.

There’s no point. If he has lied to her he will continue to lie and say you are the crazy ex who is just jealous and wants him back.

You need to just lookout for yourself and your DD, not worrying about the OW.

Agreed, as your DD gets older she will have play dates, parties, activities, sports fixtures, concerts, performances at weekends and in some holidays. ( Ensure that she does have this structure.)

If he wants to come and attempt some parenting, he can come and use his holiday time, basing himself here and doing some parental waiting and chauffeuring on DDs terms and not his.

Children should not have to miss key social events and nurturing their friendships to suit an absent father’s new agenda.

I think I'd want to message her too, if it were me. Give her a chance to save herself; not because you want him back.

I also wouldn't make any decisions or agreements about your DDs contact time with her father before you've received legal advice. This is because he has a European passport giving him the right to reside in another country and he has made it clear that is his intention. There are implications around children who are not returned to their home country - have a look at Hague Mothers cases.

When someone behaves as your H has, it is impossible to trust them. So you need to make sure you are making the best decisions from a legal standpoint, as well as child-centred. If he is to have your DD in Spain for long periods, you have no guarantee he will return her. Also, if he is working, what will he do with her during the day? At 7, a child still needs an involved parent and constant supervision. As others have said, it may be the case that your DD won't even want to leave the country for such long periods away from you, in which case this would not be in the best interests of the child.

I would want court ordered child arrangements so that everything was legally set in stone.

Download some of the photos you have found, as evidence if you need it in the future, but don't message her. Keep your dignity.

It's an awful thing to happen, but it sounds like you are in a good position, and you will come out the other side eventually.

What does she need evidence for?

What would you say if you did message her?
I have told one of my friends and she thinks I should message her. Obviously expecting it to change nothing but because otherwise I’ll just be thinking about wanting to message her.
I don’t want to cause any drama but equally if he is lying to her, she deserves to know that. If she continues to believe his lies or forgives them then that is on her but if I was dating a married man I’d want to be told.

I would absolutely message her. Screenshot some of the messages he’s sent to you recently and send them to her with the cold hard facts. She either doesn’t know, in which case, he is even more of a massive shit head or she does know and doesn’t care, hence posting him all over social media. Either way, I’d let her know that actually, it isn’t going to be quite as easy as him sailings off into the sunset with his erection….🤮🤮🤮🤮

I would encourage dignified silence OP.

great your getting legal advice - division of financial assets house/pensions/savings etc - and arrangements that work for your DD. Maintenance arrangements should be formal, I don’t know if him living abroad can be taken into consideration. Worth checking out.

sending strength and a hug! X

So sorry but, I think before you hand your child over for the week, you need to see a solicitor.

It concerns me that he seems to be so easily leaving his child behind, and the thought is crossing my mind that he might intend to take her. Hide your childs passport and see a solicitor immediately. If nothing else they can give you advice on the situation but check whether he can take your child out of the country without your permission. Sorry to be short, but this would be my fear.

I agree with you. I'd go one further and make sure he doesn't see her alone and that you make sure you have her passport. Although tbh it sounds more like he's enjoying turning his back on adult responsibilities so its probably unlikely he'd take your daughter.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your daughter OP. You did nothing wrong. You just trusted someone who unfortunately turned out to be not what they seemed xx

Please don’t beat yourself up because you are a decent human being and trusted him. He’s the person who made the mistake.

But considering he has barely seen your daughter in 6 months and she’s about to get life changing news … I would ask her if she wants to stay at in-laws for a week or stay with you. Reassuring her either option is ok with you.

OP, I've been there 24 years ago when my ex left me with no notice for someone he had met at work. FWIW, they are still together now, although she was around his age. I know exactly how you are feeling and I completely recognise the fury and need to speak to the woman who has blown your life apart. I met up with the woman's husband, who had also been blindsighted by the affair, which helped and stopped me from contacting her.
However, I have to say, I am disappointed at the number of posters who have jumped straight into suggesting you control the time your daughter can see her dad or even stop it all together.
Your child is not a pawn in this. Tempting though it is to try to get some control of the situation back by playing your trump card, that is not fair on your daughter. There has been no suggestion that your ex has been a bad father and there is no suggestion your daughter would not want to see him.
Rise above it. Encourage your daughter to see her dad. She should be as unaffected by this as possible, and suddenly vetoing spending time with her dad and grandparents or even - as one poster shockingly suggested - telling her all about what her dad did is not on at all.

I wouldn't contact her - yet

Maybe later, once the dust has settled, if you wish

But no urgency. Better to take your time and think it through properly

Remember, if you tell her, she may end their relationship and he might come crawling back to you. Do you really want that, to be his fall back / second choice? No way. You deserve better