My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

I’d be hiding DD’s passport, just in case.
I wonder if the 27yr old knows his plans, it sounds like infatuation on his part. She might just be having a fling and he’ll have a nasty shock when he announces he’s moving there…
But he’s cheated once, even if he wants to come back in a few months don’t let him, he will do it again. Use his keenness to separate and guilt to get as good a deal as you can OP.

Hope ‘D’H has a plan for how he’s going to do his share of childcare and maintain a relationship with his daughter if he’s swanning off to another country.

What a typical idiotic cliche.

OP you’ll get through this. It’s awful, it’s a shock, so be kind to yourself, but as others have said do not fight or do the “pick me dance.”

The young woman will come to her senses… None of this will pan out as the hot fantasy he’s envisioned. He’s has already shown his disregard for you… But he will, one day, regret doing this to his daughter.

OP needs a prohibited steps order from the court. Without it he could just apply for another passport by reporting the current one stolen. I’d be asking for the court to seize DD’s passport too.

Yeah - it’s like he feels he can front-load childcare/love and store up some in a bank for slow release when he fucks off to Spain to play Love Island with his younger, child- free crush.

I read somewhere about the either no sex/lots of sex with the spouse during an affair. Lots more sex usually means it’s lust only in the affair whereas no sex with the spouse usually means there’s feelings - so having sex with the spouse is “cheating” on the affair partner.

Im so sorry this had happened to you @Notmyostrich 💐❤️ .

As PPs have said, you need to get organised and get yourself into the best financial position for you and your DD whilst he is still trying to be the “decent guy” and possibly feeling guilty. Once he’s living the dream in Spain, child free and with his younger trophy on his arm, he will 100% try to give you as little as he can get away with.

good luck x

I’m afraid I probably wouldn't agree to her staying with him at his parents' house. You don't know and might never know what lies he might tell her (e.g. that the break-up was a joint decision).

My first thought was that you shouldn’t be party to his telling DD the news, but should let him tackle it himself. But on second thoughts, for the same reasons as above I think it would be better if you were there, to hear what he says and reassure DD that you will not be leaving her. But I see absolutely no reason why you should make any pretence to her that it is a joint decision, or something that you want. I wouldn't badmouth him to her, but I would be honest.

I agree with what others have said. This is the time to be organised and angry. When I found out about my exh affair I made a solicitor appointment and was armed with all our outgoings, incomings, his pension paperwork, what he made monthly, what I made monthly. She was impressed because straight away she could see he was a high wage earner and I was entitled to a lot!!
He underestimated me and I screwed the bastard over!!
Good luck OP, stay strong and make sure you're always one step ahead of the lieing, cheating prick!

Ime his dps will back him whatever he has done. Don't trust them 100%.

These kind of men run out of rope at some point. You know Escape artists who think they can cut and run.

I’m so sorry OP. I totally agree with other posters saying you’ll have time to process this in a few months. Right now you have to go into warrior mode for your DD and you.

If you work, take some time off immediately. Seriously consider telling your employer what’s happened.

Find a solicitor today. https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Gather all financial info together.

Tell your DDs school, including that he’s moving abroad. Set up a password for collection at pick up times. Change the password if you have one.

Tell friends and family what’s happened as soon as possible. I didn’t and my ExH tried to rewrite history. I felt so ashamed but I wish someone had told me it was his shame to bear, not mine.

And make sure you are there when your DD is told. You need to be able to answer all her questions as she comes to terms with what means and knowing what he said to her will help you frame your replies.

Tell him he needs to ensure his will specifies dd, with you as executor. Tell him this in front of his parents. They need to look at their will, in case he marries again, has more kids etc to ensure dd not over looked. Obviously you don't say any of this!
He is not your friend. Do not sign anything, agree to anything. In fact, it night be a good idea for him to immediately set up a direct debit to you and a savings account for dd thar he can't touch.
He will want half the house. Don't tell him- let his solicitor- but you can get a court order to stay until dd is 18.
Get her passport out of the house, don't break down in front of him or parents in case it gives them any ammunition you can't cope.

Utter drivel.

If he makes a will and then remarries it’s invalid, so a complete waste of time. His parents’ will is their own business.

In what world do you think it’s possible to get a court order to stay in a jointly owned marital property until your child is legally an adult ? The child would have to own the house !! OP would have to buy him out, otherwise the property would need to be sold.

Hiding DD’s passport is useless. He can report it lost and apply for a new one. OP needs a prohibited steps court order and to ask the court to seize her DD’s passport.

Any financial arrangements would be made as part of the divorce settlement, and the very best thing OP can do first is to get legal advice and start divorce proceedings ASAP.

not a legal expert - it would be worth speaking with a solicitor - I do think this might be a sensible precaution. My ex got one on me to stop me moving 400 miles to my home town post separation and I had never expressed any desire to move. He just put 2 and 2 together and came up with legal action!

Try reunite.org for help and advice on these issues. Please take the situation with your daughter seriously as children do quickly become a fighting point for many separated couples. He may just be assuming he'll take her with him, without mentioning it to you. At the very least, get the passport out of the house but he could, obviously get a new one in a matter of days. He is your enemy now - treat him as such I don't say that lightly and I'm not suggesting you fight him, just keep your wits about you. Don't trust him. Don't take him at his word. Always think 'what if...'.

It will get better. Promise.

A very good point. And keep it locked away from now on.

"How do I even start to make sense of this?"

It's normal to try to make sense of things, but one day you will realise that his life (and how he fucks it up) isn't your problem to solve. You get to focus on yourself and your daughter.

"Disgrace" is the right polite term.

Based on what @Notmyostrich has explained, he probably considers that making arrangements with his parents = taking care of his daughter. It isn't but he will justify it to himself some how.

@Notmyostrich You and your daughter deserve so much better than him.

Pointless. He can just report it lost and apply for a replacement. Prohibited Steps order is needed and an application for the court to seize DD’s passport.

Don't let him take DD to his parents'. Tell him she will be told only when the two of you know the details of what will be happening so you can present it as a untied front to minimise her confusion.
Don't let him dictate anything to you. See a solicitor.

This sounds so awful. I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with this. I just wanted to add my voice to those that have said now is the time to get organised, he clearly has only his own interests in mind. You need to secure yourself and your daughter. Take your daughter’s passport and keep it safe. Go to a solicitor immediately and take advice. Don’t agree to or sign anything without that advice. Ensure you’ve got all paperwork on your finances. If there is money in accounts that he can access without your consent get it out and move it somewhere where both need to agree to withdrawal. Make sure you have cash which is just accessible to you for emergencies. Do not let him take away your financial safety. You can sort things out fairly so he doesn’t lose out financially - this isn’t about taking more than is fair - it’s about preserving your position so it can be done fairly - and not just for yourself but for your child because if he’s going to live in Spain all childcare etc will fall on you and this will have financial implications

The speed with which your husband is throwing away his marriage, wife and kid for a woman he barely knows is baffling.

Seems as though he had a foot out the door but wanted to get a replacement in place first. So so so so sorry you are going through this.

Absolutely not to him getting the week with his daughter. It would be completely inappropriate anyway, under the circumstances - she's going to need her mother's support when she realises her dad is a cheating shitbag.

Put her passport somewhere he can't find it.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

TBH, he seems like he wants to detach from his family, and having DD there with is new younger plaything would spoil the fun and make it very very real for the other woman - who would probably bail.

You are not being unreasonable and you are not an idiot. This is a very hurtful and life-changing situation to be in. I've seen a suggestion that he should tell your DD on his own but I disagree and think that you need to be in the room so you know exactly the words he uses. I know you're in pain and your daughter will see that too but I think long-term that should help her to process what's going on and at the moment to see that it's painful to you as well as her.

It does sound like something out of a book or a TV show, it must feel so ridiculous and dramatic and bizarre. He's probably swept up in those early stages of lust and feelings, of the novelty and thrill of it. What a shitty silly man.

I can't comprehend the acceptance he has to live in a country away from his child and to sacrifice a parental relationship like that. Of course I know that people do have parents who live far away but he must know that your DD's life and home in where you are. I say this as a step parent who has always known that we must stay living where we live so my husband's daughter could have both her parents nearby and grow up knowing her brothers.

It would be very gracious of you to allow his request that your DD stays at his parents' with him for the week. I think it's important for her wellbeing to build some positive memories with him in this new normal before he goes to Spain. I've assumed you have a positive and trusting relationship with your in-laws and wonder if it would be helpful for you to have a conversation with them? Something about wanting your DD to continue to have a good relationship with them despite what her Dad's done and that you've agreed to the week there in her best interests even if your instinct is to say no as a punishment to him.

Make sure that you get help and support from wherever you can. Talk with school so that your DD's class teacher is aware as it will effect her in so many ways but there might also be some signposting that the school can give you. Get some legal advice. But also, be open with your family and friends. You'll need practical help and emotional support.

What a prick. Do not expect his parents to be on your side. Exercise caution with them. Get yourself to a solicitor ASAP. If you can find one who is experienced in the situation you are in with potential international complications so much the better. Clear out half the joint account/s asap.

Remember he is in the wrong here. Not for ending the relationship but for the deceit and abandoning your Dd. You do not have to move to his timeline. Ask to go round to speak to him and his parents while Dd is at school so it’s all on the table and he cannot lie. Get all your papers in order and seek legal advice asap before he leave the country!! Be “nice” and reasonable but devastated, meanwhile making sure his parents know the full extent of his behaviour. Don’t let your DD go for the whole week, if he is about to piss off to another country. She is clearly nowhere in his priorities so better to keep him at arms length.

I'm sorry, OP. It's a tale as old as time. Happened to both my aunt, and my dh's aunt, both left with children while their now exes fucked off with another woman while working abroad. Get angry and stay strong - you will get through this in time. Wishing you strength. 💪💐