My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

Legally it doesnt work that way, the OP is best getting legal advice from actual legal advisers not ''well take him for whatver you can get'' type posts as the legal system does not tend to work that way

Same with arrangements for children ''just dont let him see them'' is not really much use legally and the actual advice given on here is appalling & I wonder where people get their law qualifcations from? the back of a cereal packet?

"He told me he doesn’t want this to be difficult"

Of course he doesn't. He wants OP to roll over.

You're handling this amazingly.

Financially you sound absolutely fine.

DD wise, remember she's had little contact with her dad the past 6 months so don't jump into her spending extended amounts of time staying in other places alone with him but it seems you're on that already with going with her at the weekend.

He'll get bored of his once a month weekend visits just as he got bored of his phonecalls the past 6 months. There'll be plans that come up, trips they want to take. He's made his priorities clear. He's moving with his girlfriend for a new life.

I wouldn't allow a 4 week holiday once a year, until she's a teen at least and can decide for herself. It's too long when he barely sees her. I'd say a week the first couple of years and can extend to 2 weeks if they go well. And extend further if she wants as she gets older. I imagine they'll get bored of that though when they have their own kids.

You know what they say, "out of sight, out of mind" it didn't take him long to move on did it.

What did you think I meant? I mean go for what her lawyer advises is her fair share to support her daughter. I’m not suggesting anyone make wild claims to assets with no basis, but the op sounds like she’d give it away. Don’t do that, your daughter doesn’t have a dad and as her mum you should fight for her and your share of assets instead from him since that might well be all he does contribute.

I pointed out that he is the one abandoning her for a 27 year old and moving abroad. He told me “it’s not like that”. I asked why he is moving to Spain and not her to England he told me it’s just practicalities as he has an EU passport and speaks good Spanish but she doesn’t have loads of English and it’s not that easy to move to the UK. I did say it sounds like it’s only practical for you and her not for DD who should be his priority.

So he tells you 'it's not like that' and then goes on to explain why it's exactly like that. He's putting his wants and practical conveniences over his daughter's needs and emotional wellbeing. He's prioritising his desire to spend time with his mistress over his desire to spend time with his child. It's very simple. He's being incredibly selfish and if he ends up estranged from his daughter he will have only himself to blame.

Sorry I know I quoted you but it was meant in general I am just shocked the amount of dangerous advice given on here sometimes it is like all intelligent thought has gone out the window

He is your enemy and he is a liar. Believe NOTHING he tells you. Get a lawyer and nail him to the wall. Do NOT keep his secrets, tell absolutely everybody calmly and politely that he is leaving his wife and child for another woman. DO NOT be ashamed of his repulsive behaviour it is ALL on him.

Do not communicate with him at all except through your lawyer or another third party such as a parenting mediator.

He. Is. Your. Enemy. And. He. Is. A. Liar.

Get on to Chump Lady dot com and read everything on there, and absorb it. This man is a piece of lying, abusive shit. You must start to accept that and protect yourself. Right away.

I totally agree with you @PollyBell.

I found the following from @Booboobagins a particular doozy:

"call his HR dept and tell them you're going to look at suing them as the move overseas caused the issue, prior to that your relationship was strong".

So much crazy advice on here. Remember you need to look your daughter in the eye when she’s old enough to understand - and remember divorced parents isn’t a one time conversation - your daughter will come back at different times over the years as she matures and learns about life.

But I would say be brutal on finances yes you earn evenly but soon you’ll find a lot of joint costs become your costs just by being resident parent. So start at the absolute maximum you need/want as things will negotiate from there, don’t start at ‘reasonable’. As I said before he’s not your friend don’t expect him to act like one.

Theres a book Runaway Husband you may find useful but I always caveat the online groups linked to it can be a bit bonkers.

You are right - do whatever you need to do to feel you can walk away from this with your dignity intact.

You need to ask him how he can guarantee that he won't betray your daughter the same way he betrayed you. He will try to put it on you, but the destruction of your family is a choice that he made. He forgot all about his commitments and duty to you the moment it became convenient for him to do so. How can you be confident he won't do the same with your child if he stands to gain from it?

Suing a company for your husband cheating on you is absolutely insane.

OP he really is appalling. It’s definitely to your benefit that he has been away so long and you and DD are used to life without him.
Maybe you and your DD and maybe your mum should book a holiday away somewhere lovely over Easter. He can fit around you. You need a break and a chance to create your own new life.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you. But you’re so much better off away from a man like this.
Ask him if he will still be bothered with DD when this 27yo wants children. He really is setting him self up for a complicated life.

Really? I mean, a marriage is more than just sex though, what if one of you got ill? Could you really not go 6 months without sex?

I don’t agree with ‘kill with kindness’ because you’re only hurting yourself. It’s not vengeful to fight for compensation - get all the money you can get for you and dd. Your ex hardly ever sees his dd as he’s away for half a year. Don’t let him take dd to his parents for a week and don’t let him take her abroad for weeks.

What a prick. He "doesn't want this to be difficult"? Yeah, I'll bet. But what he wants isn't your concern. Especially like that "I won't leave you without financially", like he thinks he gets to decide that. A court decides that. Don't discuss any of that with him - do it ALL through your solicitor.

File for divorce in the UK before he has chance to do it overseas - it'll go better for you. And remember that most of what he has / earns in the future will go to future kids / wives, whether it's this woman or someone else. Get everything you can for your dd now.

that woman does like an absolute idiot. I mean seriously what kind of a man does that ? And what kind of an idiotic 27 year old woman takes on a man who would do that .

Change the locks on the door
give him his passport
say goodbye
then I’d be planning because they’d be no way he’d be taking my child abroad in the holidays. Is do everything I could do prevent that. He’s made his bed.

Please hold on to this attitude. All the posts waving pitchforks are wrong. The best thing for you and your daughter is to move on with as much grace and dignity as you can muster. That's not to say you should roll over. Well done on calling him out for lying to you and messaging her was definitely the right thing to do once.

Pleasedon't make financial decisions til you've talked to a lawyer. As he is abandoning you both to live overseas and start a new life you are right to be concerned that maintenance might be unreliable and I would ask the solicitor if it's possible to take his half of the house instead. I'd take shots of her Instagram if she hasn't locked it down as this is evidence he's already moved on and establishes a pattern of lying. I'd present this as evidence he is also lying about paying regular maintenance. Once you are divorced a Dutch national with a new wife and possibly family could be very hard to get maintenance from and a clean break with you keeping the house is what I would go for. He can start his life fresh if he wants selfish fucker but I'd not give him the funds to do it easily.

I also think you were right to let him in, talking is a large part of processing and the more information you have the better it will be. I wouldn't stop access but once you've all as a family told your little girl Daddy has left Mummy but not you he's coming back to visit once a month and you'll all stay at Granny's I'd make that the last time I supervised.

Sorry but this is crap and unhelpful. Everyone said those to me when my ex left for own ten years ago. They're very happy. If I was basing my emotional recovery on 'karma' I'd be screwed. I think the OP is doing brilliantly and handling it extremely well.
OP..do be prepared fkr occasional waves of crashing grief just when you think you're doing well, but it sounds like you've got a good set up practically and fianically and you'll be best off not relying on o going support. Clean break, as generous as you can argue for, for dds sake not yours, but beyond that, cool and calm is most certainly the way to.go.

Jesus Christ, don’t do this @Notmyostrich - you’d look utterly deranged and be laughed off the phone. I suspect you have far more dignity and sense though, from your posts.

in some ways the fact that your daughter has had 6 months without her Dad will help her adjust to the new normal. If I were you, I’d set defined contact arrangements in place now. Anything you don’t want to agree to he can go to court for. Bearing in mind his parents are close he can come back from Spain to stay in school hols and see DD - there’s no reason for her to spending weeks at a time in a foreign country just yet.

I’d also advise speaking to a solicitor asap about finances. I’m happy to pm you my divorce solicitor who is currently kicking arse on my best friends behalf! His desire to be amicable will evaporate once the money starts leaving his account…

You don't get financially compensated for being cheated on. You get a fair split if the assets depending on need. OPs need will be greater so shell likely get a greater share it there's no 'compensation ' element. Its unhelpful ti frame it that way.

Practical advice for you here, when you see the solicitor on Friday talk about the CAO too, given he is moving to Spain I think you don’t want contact to turn into a negotiation. You want it written in a CAO so he can’t just expect Dd to swan off to Spain for a month. Get this legally agreed as part of the settlement.

You will be ok, it’s great you have your own career and are financially independent, what a role model you are to your DD.

And honestly, cultural and age differences are hard, I doubt this will last….but by then you won’t GAF!

You aren't just doing it for you, you owe it to your daughter to secure as much as you can in terms of assets and maintenance.

It is not relevant that you don't need the money. You don't have a crystal ball. You need the best deal now. You can always put any surplus into a savings account. You'll need it. Words are cheap.

Of course he will say he will look after you both financially. The cold hard facts of what that looks like might mean he gets his own shit hot lawyer. Or just doesn't bother sending money.. Or the exchange rates fuck him over. He might lose his job, or become a house husband.

Will you have the money to take him to court? If he gets a new job that doesn't pay much, he won't be forced to take out a loan.

You handled yourself really well. But you're still emotional and talking to him as if he is your husband. He is not your friend and and neither of you ate his priority.

I would say to him as she will be in dd life, he and her have een plannig thins for months. What dod she think would happen? You are all tied together.
its important she can talk to you, and it doesn't bode well she sends him to talk to you. Looks like someone else apart from your dh is in cloud cuckoo land.

Divorce starts at 50/50 and works from there. There is no emotion involved. There can't be.

The children's order is different. Also, don't waste emotion worrying about holidays into the future. Itsa distraction.

Only tell your DD when you are ready to, he’s had months to tell you, so he can dam well wait a while longer. I would also stipulate I don’t want DD to meet new woman for at least 6 months, in case it’s just a fling. Holidays, I’d be booking a few breaks in summer holidays now, although he’s likely to get 50/50 in holidays, I certainly wouldn’t make it easy for him to have one big chunk of holidays, so soon. Friends of mine do 2 weeks each, then split the remainder, tough if he doesn’t like it, your DD is your priority.

when you organise finances, bear in mind who is likely to bear the costs of any further education or contribute deposits for a house for your DD. Likely he will either forget your DD living in another country, or have another child or two and have to spend on them. I think a more favourable financial settlement should take that into consideration.
Also consider, if you feel comfortable staying in contact with his parents, to stay financially in the loop with them. Grandparents can be big contributors to a child’s future too.

Im sorry he’s being an arsehole and making you go through all this. Have a vision of yourself living a lovely happy life without him and wafting around with a smile on your face, having forgotten all about him…