My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

He has the audacity to visit to plead/demand that you make it all easy for him and his conscience!

You did absolutely right to allow him in to tell him of your total disapproval for what he is doing to his daughter. And to you.
How dare he question you about your motive in contacting his OW when he is betraying you with her.
If it’s none of your business that he breaks his vows with her, then it’s none of his business that you have a conversation with her.

Your daughter’s life is about to be shattered. His change of allegiance from her to a stranger in another country will change the course of her life and none of that is your fault. You have every right to call him out on his violation of her trust and confidence in him and bring his attention right back to where it should be with her as his absolute priority.

Find your anger OP. Don’t feel bad about letting him know exactly what you think about his deceit, abandonment and disloyalty. Don’t make it easy for him. Don’t fall for his reassurance that he will do right for you financially when he suddenly springs it on you that he is about to start a new family unit overseas with all the expenses that go with that.
Only your solicitor can reassure you about your finances, from now on.

Never trust him again. I know it takes a while for you to realise that he is no longer putting your little family unit first. His loyalty is no longer towards you but towards a total stranger and no doubt also eventually to a new baby with her. She doesnt care about you and DD….and neither does he, though he will pretend to. Be wary of that sort of gaslighting from him.

Remember, he has no right to know any of your business or legal plans. And certainly no right to plead with you to make it easy for them.
You no longer owe him a thing OP, except your total disdain for him.

Your DD will suffer financially in the future if you don’t fight now. Yes you may earn well and provide for her but she will be worse off than if her parents had not divorced. It’s quite likely he will start a new family and his future earnings and his assets will be channeled into his new family. What would have been your DDs will not now be. So you have a duty to ensure she is provided for even though it won’t be the same as it would have been if her parents stayed together and she benefited from joint finances. It’s harsh but it is reality. I think you are still in shock and the anger hasn’t appeared yet. What a scum bag he is.

@Notmyostrichyou're coming across as very calm and dignified which is a great place to be. Your priority is your daughter and her security and that is best served by you not bad mouthing her daddy.
i think for your own sake, put some boundaries about when he can contact you as I suspect tonight’s visit was very u settling for you. Your home needs to be your safe space and he shouldn’t be able to pop in

This! You don’t know what the future holds and it’s your job to protect your DD future. You need to get every single thing you can from the divorce. I’d assume with being the primary parent that you’re entitled to more than 50% of the house too.

It is not your job to kill him with kindness. It’s your job to secure your future and make sure DD won’t ever go without.

I agree. Something tells me it won’t last anyway. But if it does, if she’s 27 and he’s 40 it’s very likely she will want to start a family.

I would get everything you can now, you won’t get it retrospectively.

She knew he was married and she “sends you strength”. Fuck me, has she been on the vino? Is she 27 or bloody 17? She is…..well, dim beyond comprehension and an utterly selfish, deluded, fucking horror. How much “strength” does she expect your 7 year old to have? Her reply gave me rage on your behalf op!!
That said…battle lines are now drawn. It’s “ them” and you. So be it. Painful as this undoubtedly is, now is the time to channel your inner reserves of strength.
Cold as fucking ice, cool, calm, collected. Do ONLY what works for you and your DD. Nothing more, nothing less. You cannot stop this, all you can do is play it out in your and your daughters favour. Get the legal advice, make plans and give that rancid lying fucker nothing. To his face, not one tear, not one moment of weakness, nothing. Grey rock all day long.
Oh, and he will get bored with miss shiny new minge. It’s all fun and games when it’s hidden and exciting. When he’s paying maintenance, he doesn’t have the money to give her the lifestyle she wants, he’s riddled with guilt and he’s got a child in tow? Ha! That shallow bitch will be off, leaving him high and dry and crying about his “mistake”.
Perhaps she’ll also “send him strength” then?
And, it wasn’t a mistake, it was two utterly selfish, entitled, vile individuals who happened to meet.
It is an enormous cliche but in this case “Don’t get mad. Get everything” is what you need to aim for.
And do book some therapy. This is a horrible, horrible thing to have to deal with.

I think I’d have to answer that message I dunno with something like ‘oh please there’s no need to worry about me .You’re welcome to him’

You can be as calm and dignified as you want but that doesn't mean being naive. You must protect DD's financial interests. He has a duty to provide for her properly. I have found it true that the best time to get a reasonable financial settlement is right at the start while STBX is feeling guilty and wants to protect his 'good guy' image.
Get a bigger share of the property than 50:50 if you can.
Please do get a very good solicitor.

I’m sorry this has happened to you and just wanted to say I really admire the way you are conducting yourself through it all. You are keeping your grace and will have no regrets. Take care.e.

Find g
Your inner anger OP its not what he's done to you it's about protecting your DD and her future that means making sure your set up and your sorted and entitled to all you are.

Time to find your mumma bear fire.

Had it all sorted out and planned in advance weeks ago, he's that much of a pos, but he's not thinking with his head right now.

Kids are smart, even at that age DD would probably figure out she's being manipulated and feel the worse for it. She will feel like she owes him not to show unwanted emotions after all those days he played the perfect dad for her. This could be very damaging for her.

You'll never not regret giving him another chance to explain himself. Please re-consider being kind, divorce is not the time to be gracious. I absolutely hate to be cruel, but think about years down the line. How will you feel about that killing with kindness thing when he's posting holiday beach photos of his new family on sm?

However, if (or rather when, judging by her response to you) she dumps him he very well may come crawling back for you to kindly tell him to not let the door hit him on the way out.

I totally agree kill him with kindness. You explained well why you contacted her.

BUT you are about to become default parent for the rest of your DD’s childhood not just 3 - 6 months. Don’t just roll over and go 50/50! Fight for more, he is swanning off and you will be shouldering all the responsibility. Get a shit hot lawyer.

I agree with this. You are being very calm and dignified but you also need to think of the future and of your own DD. This man is proposing abandoning his DD, not being involved in her upbringing at all. The very least he should be made to do is to provide financial support. You should get more than 50% of the settlement here. He has a real cheek asking you to make this easy for him. What an unbelievably selfish and immature man he is.

Getting copies of all things financial is uber important. Id no idea how important until my ex tried to claim he had no assets. Id taken photographs of documents I managed to find (he kept almost nothing in the family home) and at the time of taking the photos i had no idea of the significance of the documents. E.g document from a financial institution confirming change of postal address and a document from another confirming opening of on-line account. I had no idea of his accounts with these companies and these seemingly useless letters, which contained no financial information, helped us to locate various undisclosed pensions and savings accounts.

My ex behaviour in divorce proceedings is appalling and I not forsee it - dont bank on him being civil. He does not have his daughters best interests at heart. He is thinking of his underpants! Its good that you have seen the real him now. As hard as that feels right now. You have got this.

Guidance suggests that DC should be told of separation by both parents.in the family home - where safe to do so. Seemingly less traumatic. I had to tell my children by myself - they were really happy to leave him behind. Your DD response/reaction may surprise you. Maybe some library books to plant the seeds/concept first if she only knows of two-parent households.

Best of luck.

I wouldn’t let dd go and stay with him for the week.
she has had 6 months of getting used to him not being around so don’t let her get all bonded with him again before he chooses to leave her for a woman.

He wants it all his way doesn’t he? He will relocate when he is ready to, he wants dd as he wants to do school runs, he said you need a weeks space, he wants to tell dd together- it’s all he wants/ he wants.

Don’t be too hard on yourself @Notmyostrich , his coming over took you by surprise. I’d suggest you tell him by text not to come over unannounced in future. He sounds like a fool but nothing you say is going to make him think straight right now, so just protect yourself emotionally and financially.

Do not let her stay over in his parents. Don't let her out of your sight for now.

I wouldn't agree to this either. As another poster said, he seems to want everything arranged to suit him, with no thought for your DD or for you.

Who is FW?

The daughter is actually 7, not 4.

This

@Notmyostrich

I agree with taking the high road, for now, as far as being 'vengeful' goes. Don't bother with contacting his employer, smearing stuff on SM, etc. It serves no real purpose and won't accomplish anything. Save your energy for the legal financial and access aspects of this. You want to be 'hard' and not make any concessions unless they work in your favour. Your solicitor will be your advocate in this. Don't turn down maintenance unless he makes a HUGE concession elsewhere. You don't have to depend on it to survive, good. But he should still pay it if all you do is bank it for DD's future.

No, I wouldn't let him in the house in the future. Any discussions you need to have should be either email or texts. You want a written record of everything he says. And I agree with going to his parents with DD. Just remember that NONE of them is your friend. Remember "I really don't want to discuss this, it's still too upsetting" or "I'll have to give that some consideration". Tell them nothing, ask them nothing.

You've got this.

call his HR dept and tell them you're going to look at suing them as the move overseas caused the issue, prior to that your relationship was strong

I've just looked at it for her and, as I suspected, this is a lawsuit that is entirely in your imagination.

Why would you post just any old crap when you've literally just made it up? I don't get it.

Go for what you and your dd deserve, he’s abandoning his child and that SHOULD come with a cost.
If you need to say calmly ‘oh I’m sorry did you think cheating on me and abandoning your child shouldn’t have any cost for you? How interesting.’

Do not do this- this is terrible advice.

What a stupid scummy arrogant piece of shit he sounds. Long term, you will be better off without this selfish sorry excuse for a husband/father.